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Verner the Vigilante: A Disturbingly Delicious Diatribe

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Author's note: This is the sequel to Ned the Nihilist: A Misanthropic Monologue. I recommend reading it first.


("The Preacher" by Jamie N Commons plays softly in the background on repeat for the duration)


Yes, this is really happening. I can see that look in your eyes. You're really in your basement, and you're really chained up just like all your victims were. And yes, you're going to suffer, you fucking shitbag.

Hope you don't mind my music. Brought my iPod down and put this on repeat since I noticed you like to listen to things over and over. Why in the hell do you like that Pink Floyd song so much anyway?

Look at me, asking questions to a man with a gag in his mouth. And I thought you were the idiot.

I bet you're wondering just who the hell I am, right? I'd be wondering that too. Well, here it is. I'm a very special... detective, my friend. Families that have missing loved ones, you see, they ask for my help, and I help them. They ask for my help because I offer them something no one else will.

Now I'm sure you're also wondering why I have you here rather than at the police station. There's an answer for that. The bad news for you is, I prefer to keep the police out of it, if you get my drift. People don't wanna go through a lengthy trial and publicly hear all about what happened to their little girl or their wife and then see you sick bastards end up in some nuthouse talking to white-coats about your feelings. They want you to feel what their child felt. They want your flesh burned, cut, and beaten like their wife had. This is what I can offer them.

Why do you look so concerned, Ned? Surely you didn't do anything all that bad, did you?

Unfortunately for you, I found your video stash while you were out. I found the one with the names of my current client's wife and daughter written on it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've really fucked up this time, Ned. I mean, you have noooo idea. Do you know what this guy does as a hobby? He's had a very interesting hobby for the past twenty years, he tells me. You see Ned, he's a taxidermist. Ha! I mean, for fuck's sake, Ned. How the hell did you get so unlucky? But that's just what he does in his free time, my friend. I'm gonna lean in for this next tidbit: He's a surgeon by day, you stupid piece of shit.

I can see in your eyes you're starting to put two and two together in that little pea-brain of yours, ol' buddy. Yeah, it's gonna get pretty interesting for you over the next few days. Just wait until I tell him I found the videos, Ned. Man, you better hope he doesn't have the stomach to watch it.

Now you're probably wondering why I do what I do. Why I don't play by the rules and do what all the others like me do. Well I'm sure you're thinking my wife and kids were killed or something, and you'd be right. Yes, they were locked in a cage and starved to death. God told him to do it, you see, but of course not everyone could understand that. Not everyone could hear God's voice. Even he quit hearing it shortly after that.

But anyway, that's not why I am who I am. I guess it was the catalyst, but definitely not the reason. No, Ned, I am who I am because in many ways I'm a lot like you now. I watched the video and heard your bullshit ranting and realized we actually share some similar beliefs. The main difference is the fact that you're batshit crazy and I'm just pissed-off crazy. This is really just business for me, Ned. It's all about the almighty dollar, nothing more. Ok, maybe a little more. It does get my rocks off watching you dumbasses get what's coming to you.

Oh man, I can't wait to see what this guy's gonna do to you. He's a collector, you know? He's a big game hunter. Has a massive collection of mounted animals that he's killed. That's why he got into taxidermy to begin with.

Anyway, I haven't told him about capturing you yet. No, Ned, after watching that video, I decided I want to have a little fun with you before I turn you over. Yes, yes, I'm a sick fuck too. I just don't fuck with innocent people like you do. Is life not already bad enough, you stupid dickbag? Why the fuck do you have to make things worse? Your life was shit so you wanna make other people suffer? Do you realize how fucking retarded that sounds? You felt the pain. You know life is shit and meaningless. You know life's a curse, so why in the hell would you want to make it more hellish for someone else? Ah hell, I keep forgetting you're fucking nuts. So yeah, we're gonna have a little fun before I give the client a call.

I caught some things while watching that video, Ned. For one, I noticed the de Sade quote you spat out. You think that makes you sound enlightened? God, you're an ignorant fuck. I think maybe too much Philosophy in the Bedroom has fried your brain. Yes, yes, I'm a fan of his. I personally prefer the piece he "wept tears of blood" over when he thought he'd lost it in the Bastille, but that's just me. No, no, I know what you're thinking: we're not going to have 120 Days of Sodom or anything... but—maybe 120 minutes. Come on, Ned. Surely you can appreciate the irony of it all.

I also noticed a certain quality in your voice when you talked about your mother making you eat her shit. It seemed like you were struggling to keep the memory from getting back in too clearly. If I didn't know any better, I might think you almost lost it there for a minute. Well, I assume you can see where this is going, can't you?

Let's just get this pot up here. I better put on the little respirator I found amongst your tools, hadn't I? I also took the liberty of using a couple other things I found, Ned. I hope you don't mind. I rigged up something here I think you'll find interesting. It's one of your ball gags, you see? I've drilled a hole in the ball and inserted a funnel. Let's just get this other gag off real quick.

Oh quit screaming. You of all people should know that's a waste of your breath. I don't care what you say about my mother, I'm still doing this.

There we go. Let me get this lid off so you can have a look. Now if you notice it's a bit runny, well that's because I pissed in it too so there'd be no problem getting it to go down the funnel. Hopefully the corn doesn't get jammed up, but I'm sure a screwdriver will fix that easy enough. Get a good smell, my friend. Does that bring back memories? Unfortunately, I'm not really in the mood to have my salad tossed, so this is as far as we'll be traveling down memory lane this evening. Let's just rub a little bit on your face to start. Oh that's nice isn't it. Bet it makes you miss your mommy, doesn't it, Ned?

Why are you shaking your head? This is happening, Ned. As I believe you put it: "Release your hope." You're going to swallow every last drop of my shit and piss or you'll drown in it. Surely that's not how you wanna go out. Let's get the first funnel's worth started.

You're only blowing shit bubbles, Ned; it's not gonna magically fly away because you're blowing into it. Let's just get this plastic wrap over it so we don't spill any of it.

Damn it, Ned! Stop wasting both our time and just swallow it. Welp, all right, here comes that screwdriver I was talking about. Let's see how long you plug that hole up with your tongue when I jab a flathead into it. I warned you, ya dumb bastard, now quit screaming. That's right, let it slide down your throat. Don't throw-up, Ned. If you throw-up it's likely gonna come out your nose, especially if I jam this flathead back down in there. Don't make this any harder than it has to be, Ned. You brought this on yourself, now deal with it. I'd like to get out of here before sunrise if at all possible.

Yes, I know. I know it burns. I told you to keep it down. You're crying like a little bitch, aren't you? Holy shit! The badass misogynist is fucking crying like a baby. Is it because you miss your mommy? Is this bringing back memories so strong you can't fight back the tears? I bet that's it. She must have been one hell of a woman if she could make the great cannibal nihilist cry. This is only the beginning, shit dumpster.

Just a few more funnel-fulls, and we'll be done for the night. Let's get this over so you can get some rest, good buddy. I know you're eager to see what beautiful terrors tomorrow will bring. There ya go. That's a good boy. Just let go, Ned. Let go of everything. Become the human shit receptacle you were destined to be. Your mother knew it. I'm just a weapon of nature—she's a cold bitch, I know. Us humans have a choice though; we can't blame her for everything. And don't tell me you didn't know that to be or not to be was the fucking question, and you fucking answered wrong, Ned. Well, after all this you'll realize you answered wrong.

That a boy! Two down and looks like only one to go. Let's make this the easiest one yet, friend. I'll pour it in nice and slow so you can just relax and let it flow straight down your throat.

Ha, well that didn't work. I can't help you if you're gonna keep coughing. Almost there. Just a bit more and I'll be out of your hair for the night.

And there we go. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Don't give me that look, Ned. I think maybe that quality I heard in your voice was actually nostalgia, and I just misinterpreted it. I bet that's what it was. Such fond memories of your shit-eating childhood. Well I'm glad I could help you relive some of your glory days, ol' bud.

Well I'll leave you alone. See you tomorrow.

Good evening, Ned! As you can see, I brought a friend this time. You'll have to excuse the way he's looking at you; he decided to watch the film I gave him. And well, let's just say he changed some of his plans. I'm afraid your making that film may have been quite the booboo on your part, good buddy. Especially what you did to that little girl. I guess we should go ahead and talk about that.

When he saw what you did to his child, he fucking lost it. Destroyed half the house before I got him to calm down. Once he calmed down he started thinking of how to set things right the best that he could. Now I think he's gone insane, Ned. Really, I do. The problem is, this is what he pays me for, and I'm in no position to act holier-than-thou and draw a line. He's had about half a liter of Johnny Walker Blue Label since watching that video this morning, but he ingested something else blue a little while ago that you might find much more unsettling. It was a little pill, Ned.

You have any idea what kind of pill that might be, you ugly fuck? Let me show you one since I'm pretty sure you've used your fair share of these. That's right, Ned. That's a Viagra. Now if you'll notice the crotch area of my client's pants, you'll see a distinct point bulging out. I want you to look at that and then look into his eyes, Ned. Look in his fucking insane eyes.

That's right, dear old friend. He's going to fuck you. Now before you start clinching your flabby ass cheeks, listen to this glorious twist. He's not gonna be using a pre-existing hole. That's right. He's decided he can use a spade bit to drill a hole in your belly button without doing much damage to your pelt.

I'm not sure if I've got the stomach to watch this particular act, so I'm gonna just head upstairs until I hear you stop screaming.

My, my, Ned. That was some serious moaning. Even through the ball gag, it sounded like a hyena being fucked and eaten by a lion. Not sure if that's a thing, but I've got a strange imagination. Damn, that is a nasty looking gut-pussy you've got there. I see it's that time of the month. Really doesn't look too bad, all things considered. I can see he took care to avoid hitting any organs. Well, with the spade bit I mean. I'm sure he stirred things up pretty good in there. He looks pretty tired.

I'm supposed to give you this shot of stuff called TXA before we go. This is gonna help keep you from bleeding. It's mostly used to treat women that have extremely heavy periods. Fuck me, your plight just gets funnier and funnier, bud.

"Oh when the saints, go marching in! Oh when the saints go marching in!" Wake up, my dear old friend! It's the first day of the rest of your life, as they say. The shitty things is, the rest of your life isn't going to last past that first day. I won't beat around the bush, Ned—today is gonna suck for you. We would've been here a couple days sooner, but we had to procure some very hard-to-find items. The doc here, with what's left of his sanity, is gonna take your skin off. He's gonna be as quick as he can since we have to make sure you stay conscious through the whole thing. We've got several adrenaline shots here to make sure you're wide awake. I'm gonna go ahead and give you another shot of this TXA stuff to make sure you don't lose too much blood.

Oh, and look what we got for the grand finale, Ned: that's a twenty-five pound bag of salt. And check this out: we couldn't find a gallon of lemon juice so we had to buy a bunch of the small bottles and fill up this jug. We're thinking we can roll you in the salt first, then rinse you with the juice, then roll you in the salt again. The doc thinks we can get your skin off in about an hour and possibly keep you alive that long afterwards. So that's an hour of being skinned and an hour of the devil's experiment. Sound good?

Man I bet right about now you're wishing your mother had just aborted you. Ah hell, who am I kidding. Anyone in their right mind wishes that. No, no, I'm not saying you're in your right mind, Ned. Don't flatter yourself.

You unknowingly made a deal with the devil, Ned. Now it's time to pay the price. So let's discuss the procedure a bit. First I'm going to give you another shot the doc made up. It's some kind of neurotoxin called TTX. He says the proper dose will paralyze you, but you'll still feel everything. Best I could gather from what he said is that it stops your nerves from being able to act on their own, but they can still feel what's happening to them. It's a bit over my head, really.

So anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and give you this shot before he gets started. He's gonna start by placing you face down and carefully using a scalpel to split your skin from the back of your head to your asshole. This is actually gonna be the easy part, Ned. After that it's pretty much downhill for you. He'll start by peeling and carving the skin from your head. It's supposed to just come off in a nice little mask if everything goes smoothly. You're about to have a real out of body experience, my friend.

So yeah, I think you get the idea. Once the head is peeled it's pretty smooth traveling he says. Well, for him. He's actually gonna try to keep it all in one piece. He's given me a rather strong dose of Ativan so I can watch without getting too weirded out. I've seen some sick shit in my line of work, but this takes the cake. Most people find it too hard to stomach when the time comes and just wanna get it over with by a quick throat slit or something, but I usually find a way to provoke them into releasing some rage first. This guy, on the other hand, is on a fucking mission.

Here comes the shot, Ned. This is the last time you'll ever be able to move on your own. Hope you don't have any real bad itches that need scratching. Ha, well if so it won't be a problem for much longer. Permanent itch removal is comin' your way.

Looks like he's ready to start, old friend. I'm just gonna sit back and watch for the most part. And remember, the vomit only has one way out, so try to keep it down if there's any of my shit left in there.

Oh, ouch! That looks fucking painful. Hot damn, Ned, your back is kinda cool looking without the skin. Hey man, you want a deep tissue massage? I bet I could really get in there and fix you up if you've got any back issues. Think I'm gonna have to get me one of those rough massages after this. Think I tweaked something haulin' your fat ass down those stairs.

Ok, buddy, we're gonna flip you back over now. Looks like that stuff to slow your bleeding is really working. Damn Doc, you really know your shit.

Oh fuck, Ned! He's reached that point I know you've been dreading. I don't know if I can watch this or not. Something about seeing a guy have his dick skinned just doesn't sit right. Afraid I'd have trouble sleeping. Let me know when you're past that point, Doc.

Wow, that was quick, Doc. How'd you finish the legs so damn fast? Fuck me, Ned, you look a sight. Man this is fucked up, ha! Whooo! I'll be damned. I don't even know what to think right now. Started feeling sorry for ya, Ned, but only for a second before I remembered seeing you feed this guy's daughter to his wife. You deserve every bit of what you're getting. I know what you're thinking, Ned: causal determinism and all that, but sometimes that's just not good enough for all of us. Plus, what else could I do that pays fifty grand for a week's work?

I read some of the stupid shit you wrote in those notebooks, Ned. You really think the man you became was unavoidable and that those girls deserved what they got, don't you? You think the fact you couldn't get fucked is their fault. Fuck me, the irony is almost too much. I bet the cognitive dissonance in your head feels like a tug-a-war with razor wire. Well, it's all gonna be over soon, bud.

Time for the salt roll. Let's get another adrenaline shot in ya so you don't pass out. I have a feeling this is probably gonna be the worse pain you or maybe anyone else has ever felt. Ok, here we go. Sorry, bud, didn't mean to get it in your eyes. Ha! Ok, Doc, I think that's enough on the face. Save some for the rest. How's that feel, Ned? I can't fucking imagine. Gonna give you a quick flip, Ned, and we'll be one step closer to the end. Finish the back, Doc, and I'll get the jug of juice.

Ready, friend? I don't really know which is gonna be worse, but you're about to find out. Oh damn it, Doc! Do you really think the wire brush is necessary? I think the juice is sufficient, ya crazy fuck. Sorry, Ned, I think he's in fucking orbit right now.

You're gonna get him bleeding too much, Doc. That's enough. Let's roll him over. Don't drown him, Doc! See, you wasted it all on his face. Now what? To hell with it, just sprinkle him with salt again while I go get his surprise ready. And put down that damn wire brush you sick bastard! He's not gonna make it if you keep that up.

So I've got a hell of a surprise for ya, Ned. You know when I mentioned hearing something in your voice when you were talking about your mother and the shit eating? Well I actually have a pretty keen sense about these things and what I really sensed was a man struggling to say such horrible things about his mother. Like someone pretending to be something they weren't. This got me to thinking, bud, and I decided to spend most of yesterday digging around. Wouldn't you know it, I found out that this property isn't actually in your name. I did a bit more digging and the dots were easily connected.

I'll cut to the chase, Ned: I found out you're living on your mommy's property, and I also found out she lives just a few miles up the road. I placed a call to your dear mother and asked if she would be interested in having her lawn mowed for a small fee, and you know what she said? She said, "No thanks. My son does all the upkeep around here for me, but thank you anyway."

Don't look at me like that, Ned. I can see you're wondering why in the hell I made you eat shit if I knew you were bullshitting about the shit eating. Man that was a mouthful. Ha! Sorry, that wasn't intentional, I swear. But yeah, I made you eat my shit because you earned it.

Where were we? Oh yeah. I'm sorry to say this, but when I told my client all the stuff about your mom, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. How's my Vito Corleone impersonation? You don't care.

So we're gonna just slip upstairs real quick and grab your dear old ma. Don't look at us like that, Ned. It's her fault. She should've aborted you.

There he is, mam. Your pride and joy. He does look a bit different than the last time you saw him, I'm sure. If you're not convinced it's him, maybe looking at that skin hanging over there will help convince you. You can still see a resemblance in the face.

Doc says there's a silver lining to all this. He says we can get a shitload of money for your organs, and he knows just where to take them. I mean, can it get any better than this? Ned, I think maybe you're just a blessing in disguise. I'm gonna buy a boat with one of your kidneys.

Doc says he's got the perfect place for you two in his basement. Gonna have you fucking your mother doggy-style. The perpetual mother fucker. Says he's gonna call it The Ouroborassrammer. He's been drinking a lot. I told him he should go all Tom Six on you and sew you ass to mouth. That'd be a real Ouroborass. He likes the whole mother fucker idea, so who am I to argue? It's his trophy.

Oh, and Ned: there's another bag of salt and jug of juice upstairs. Doc thinks he can keep you alive for most of it so you can watch.

Say bye-bye to your mommy.

(Author's note: Special thanks to KillaHawke1 for putting the idea of a sequel in my head. He's the one to blame.)



Written by Jay Ten
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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