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Azu Riffs: Rap Rat 3/8/15

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Hey Guys! This is Azu here and I wanted to try my hand at riffing pastas. After reading a bunch of riffs by Dorkpool, I feel inspired to try and riff a particular pasta. The pasta I'm riffing comes from the "Dreams/Sleep" category of Creepypasta, which happens to be one of my favorite genres of Creepypasta. However, the pasta I've chosen to riff on is... well... less than impressive. It's a little pasta called Rap Rat. Now I know that Dorkpool has already riffed on this particular story. However, I do have a few of my own jokes I would like to make about this pasta. Also, I'm going to split the riff up into two or three parts as the pasta in question has a few parts to it and it's a bit much for me to tackle all in one part. So, without further ado, let's begin the first part of the pasta:

The Terror Begins. Sounds like a tagline for a movie about 9/11.

Ever heard of "Nightmare?" Yeah, I have! But where I'm from, it's called Five Nights at Freddy's. Like a lot of other games in the 90's, it came with a VHS which you timed with your play. The character on the video would give you instructions on what to do while you played the game in real-time. So, it's like that game called DragonStrike, where you play as male warriors and/or female thieves with really short skirts on a quest to defeat the Predator's bird/reptile cousin and a Nosferatu wannabe? No! It's real! I swear! Being a scardy-cat, I refused to play it when my mom bought it for us. It turns out my other personality REALLY loves board games! My brother was disappointed about not being able to play Nightmare, but my mom had a solution. She used a 90's version of Windows Movie Maker to edit out most of the scary parts... Thanks mom! She brought out "Rap Rat". It was a cheap, dingy little thing catered to kids my age; Which would be... 6? 12? 24? Also, I didn't know you could end a sentence with a semicolon! you went around the board, collected cheese, and the first player to reach the end would win. It seemed simple enough, and since it reminded us of "Mouse Trap" (which we didn't have), there were no objections. And no copyright lawsuits. We popped the movie into the VHS and set up the board. The first part of the video was just a simple explanation of the rules as well as instructions on how the game worked.

Then, Rap Rat came onto the TV. He was... not what any of us had been expecting. It turns out Rap Rat was really a robot Pikachu dressed up like Charlie Chaplin. My smaller brother, who was only three at the time, immediately left the room crying. Little did I know that he really shat his pants over a split second scene involving hyper realistic women bleeding out of their hyper realistic vaginas. The rat did not even resemble a rat. The ears were far too big. It had a mouth lined with two teeth, and the inside of the mouth looked almost swollen. Are you sure you're not describing the original 1977 design of Chuckie from Chuck E. Cheese? The most striking part about the thing, though, was the eyes. They were large, glassy, and fish-like. I asked, then bothered, then begged my mom to turn it off. Because the "Eject" button on the VCR was too hard for a kid like me to operate! Rap Rat suddenly shouted loudly, screaming and wailing, saying "WAIT YOUR TURN" in a demonic, low-pitched voice that was not at all like his normal obnoxious, nasal voice. So... Rap Rat usually sounded like Steve Urkel? Um... Ok. (Note: I have nothing against Steve Urkel as he's one of the most badass nerd characters in TV history.) In the background, we could hear the narrator saying "He's Rap Rat, and he's the boss" over and over again in an overly serious tone. The Narrator then did his Lonely Island impression and sang: "Scarin' children! Like a boss!"

The video was... indescribable. Images crossed the screen in quick succession, overcut with Rap Rat's expressionless eyes. The images were some of the things I was afraid of at the time. A person looking over a balcony, a hornet slowly stinging someone's eye, an extreme close-up of a tarantula, a pit full of writhing cobras, and a bloodied syringe filled with green fluid. You know, for an "Indescribable" video, you sure are doing a good job of describing its contents! We immediately turned the video off, It takes two to turn it off right! It takes two to get it out of sight! and I ran out of the room screaming, slamming my door. It took my mom twenty minutes to convince me that the video was gone, that I would never, ever see it again. I had nightmares all week about Rap Rat. Some of which were so indescribably terrifying, that my pants couldn't hold the amount of shit I was spewing from experiencing them.

That wasn't the last time I saw Rap Rat. While my girlfriend and I were preparing to move in together, I was cleaning out the closet of my room and found Rap Rat again, with the same VHS and the same board game inside. It was almost perfectly intact, save for a thick layer of cobwebs and dust bunnies on top of it. Woah guys! It looks like this pasta is too cool for words like "Except" or "Excluding"! Though, I do have to ask. What is the point of using the word "Save" as a synonym for those words? Is that some sort of foreign thing I don't know about? This was strange...didn't my mother get rid of it? And what was the game doing in my room? I let out a bit of a gasp when I found it, and my girlfriend came into the room, asking what was the matter: Breathing harshly, I said, "Rap Rat." She laughed a bit, asking if it was a joke. Though to be fair, if someone said they talked about a rapping rat scaring them, I'd have the same reaction. I shook my head, explaining that it wasn't. She didn't believe me—nobody did. Ok, let me see if I have this correct based on the information found in the pasta so far. Because ONE person didn't believe you, that means nobody else believed you? Wow! I can't find a fault in your logic! —and I decided that the only way to prove it to her was to show her the video.

I borrowed my neighbour's VHS and played the video for her. . Um... Isn't the VHS the thing you put INTO a VCR? You know, the thing that actually PLAYS the VHS tape? However, the images had changed. I saw a clown, it's nose bursting and spraying blood onto the screen. Surprisingly, it wasn't of the hyper realistic type. I saw a woman alone in a dark room. I saw a man being forced to pick up white-hot metal and hold it in his outstretched hand, turning his hand to a leathery mess. The scratching I heard as a child continued, picking up louder and louder. Yeah, you know... that scratching sound from my youth that I never mentioned earlier... Oops! Then, Rap Rat showed up and began twisting and convulsing, it's arms thrusting this way and that. The costume wasn't a costume anymore—the felt was real fur. Hey reader! Remember when I mentioned how Rap Rat looked like he was wearing a costume earlier in the pasta? You don't? Well you can thank my lazy writing skills for that!

Its face wasn't plastic, but instead a bristle of thorns with teeth. The eyes turned inwards and suddenly popped out again: Rap Rat's huge fish eyes were inside out, staring right at me, watching my every move, my every expression. Hey look guys! I wrote in an eyeless creature in a Creepypasta! Am I scaring you yet?! It grinned widely and gestured at my girlfriend and I with a single, outstretched, inhuman hand. I could hear the faintest scratching at my front door. The TV went blank and showed static. Oh No! The Lost Episode Cliches are invading! Quick! Hide all of your interns watching hyper realistic gore! The scratching got louder. It wasn't scratching anymore, Well, that was a sudden transition! but thumping: the thumping of tiny feet on wood. My girlfriend embraced me in fear, Yeah she tends to get aroused when scared out of her mind. and my senses kicked in. Before anything else could happen, I stopped the video, ejected it and unplugged the VHS. Tell me oh great protagonist, how does one unplug a VHS tape? The scratching stopped. When I looked out the living room window, nothing was there.

The police showed up soon after, warning us that a neighbour had seen a figure outside of our door and had called in concern. My girlfriend and I simply couldn't explain what had happened, and had to tell the police officer that it was us. I was furious that a children's game was terrifying me. Curse you Pokemon Lost Sil--- Oops! Wrong Pasta! I went to pick up the tape, but the VHS burned my hand. Why you may ask? Because Narwals! It felt like I had touched a bunsen burner on the highest setting. We had to get the oven mitts from the kitchen in order to take it out, and even then it was scorching hot. I brought it outside, tossed it down on the sidewalk, and crushed it with my winter boots. Funny how this couldn't have been done earlier in the story.

My girlfriend and I had nightmares every night. We would both wake up in the middle of the night, and describe eerily similar images that we saw in our sleep. It turns out we have this power called "The Shining" or something. The scratching would always be there at night, when lights were off and the room was pitch-black (save for the moonlight coming in through the window). Now, though, the scratching would happen every time I went near the front door, and every time we said Rap Rat's name. Judging by the amount of times you said his name so far, I'm surprised this sort of thing hasn't happened to you more often. Does this only happen if you say his name out loud? It sounded as if something very small was dragging something across the ground outside of the door... pacing... waiting. I would simply wait, with the covers pulled up to my neck, until I succumbed to exhaustion. *The Wonder Years monologue music comes on* I knew I was scared. But I had to find a way to cope with the madness. That's when I got the idea to look at images of anime girls on my phone. I then discovered that their adorableness somehow diminishes the power of the evil rat creature thing. Don't ask why, I'm not creative enough to give an explanation.

At this point, I was determined to sue the company for damages. Judge: So I understand you're suing this game company for damages. Protagonist: Yes I am! Judge: Well... What kind of damages? Protagonist: I... um... eh... Dream Damage! Yeah that's it! Judge: Buddy... get out of my court! The first thing I did was call my mother and ask where she got "Rap Rat". She had no idea. I found a merchant who sold versions of "Rap Rat" and asked how I could get in touch with the company. He sent me this e-mail.

"I don't know about the game, but I know it was created by the same people who created Nightmare. The company is called "A Couple of Cowboys". Try them."

I did a bit more research, It turns out that they were a film studio who made wild west themed homosexual pornography. and discovered that the company became defunct in 1994... only two years after the company created Rap Rat. I discovered why they did soon after. They needed more lesbian porn.

Wow! For a first riff, that was a mouthful! But it's not over yet! Tune in next time for my riff on the second part of the pasta entitled: "How Rap Rat Came to Be".

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