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10 Rules of Death Metal, and 10 Rules of Black Metal

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After listening for Death metal and Black metal for the wide majority of my life, I've compiled ten basic rules of listening to the genres, completely based on stereotypes.

Death metal

1) Say Cryptopsy- None so vile is one of the most influential albums ever made. Only listen to it once in your life.

2) Be a fan of either Deicide or Cannibal Corpse. Pick one.

3) Claim you can perfectly understand all of the lyrics of every song, secretly look up the lyrics behind the scenes.

4) Claim your music taste is brutal, and that you only listen to the heaviest stuff. Secretly really like a singer like Neil Young.

5) Morbid Angel only released 8 albums. Illud never happened. Anyone who says otherwise needs psychotherapy.

6) Act like a complete hardass when in private or with friends- hate confrontation of any sort.

7) Say Sinister is the best old school death metal. Listen to them only when the topic of old school death metal is brought up.

8) Devourment is your God.

9) Refuse to accept that any genre can be heavier than Brutal Death Metal (Slam). Goregrind doesn't exist to you. There can only be one.

10) Act as if anyone not listening to death metal has a lesser music taste, and on occasion, act like a complete elitist. If someone in real life confronts you, fall back to rule #6.

Black Metal

1) Say Mayhem is the most important band of the 90s. Disregard Sarcofago influencing them.

2) Hate Euronymous, but yet somehow love Mayhem.

3) Varg is a good man. Varg never did any wrong. Varg is your God.

4) Listen to music that focuses on edgy themes. (Devil worship, National Socialism). Get overly offended when called edgy for it.

5) Immortal is the only band allowed to sing about ice and snow.

6) Have a strange fixation with Norway and Sweden. Hate the west, and organised religion, but when asked to give a reason, switch to death metal's rule #6.

7) Hate Metallum.com. Constantly use Metallum.com.

8) If it isn't "trve" or "kvlt", don't listen to it. Immediately hate the music.

9) Worship bands like Belphegor and Behemoth. Refuse to accept they are Blackened Death, and not Black metal.

10) Love Dimmu Borgir, but absolutely hate anything after Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.

There you go. 10 rules for each genre, based on stereotypes, that are actually freakishly true from some of the people I've met. That was pretty fun.

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