Are seagulls supposed to make high-pitched, warbling noises that resemble those made by young screaming girls? If not, the gulls down at the Blairmore Lot in my city have been up to something. Someone is welcome to take the idea of a gull that caws with the tongue of a child for their pasta.

Two Robert Palmer CDs arrived in the mail today. Hnnngh Mr. Palmer, if you weren't dead and forty-four years older, I'd ask you to marry me. Now I must leave for a job interview in thirty minutes, but I need a shirt that doesn't make me look like Vincent Brooks...

(Fun pasta idea: Teenager is abducted on a bicycle while biking past a large lot; people report hearing his voice but see only flocks of gulls)