Dear <insert name here>,
I sincerely apologize, as it appears the last time we apologized it didn’t cut it. I apologize for the fact that this site grades on quality over popularity and things such Quality Standards only serve to get in your way.
I’m sorry that you didn’t know the rules and we didn’t sit there and hold your hand and tell you “Well, next time don’t do it, alright?” but instead gave the penalty that fit the crime.
I apologize that telling you that you aren’t allowed to make a crappy piece of shit ripoff of Jeff the Killer blocks creativity. I’m sorry that you aren’t allowed to change a few words in a certain work and call it your own. OBVIOUSLY those few words made it yours, right?
I’m sorry that you didn’t know how to spell and write, regardless of our various resources. I apologize for you not knowing how to read rules and standards and then us not cutting you slack by deleting your story. I’m sorry we don’t restore said story post haste immediately after you write a rant rather than telling you to use Deletion Appeal.
I’m sorry that our Quality Standards are too hard to follow, despite being easier than that of most publishing companies. I’m sorry we never hard wired it into your brain how to write, we only expected you to try.
On top of that, I’m sorry we expected you to try, rather than clapping our hands at the first anticlimactic wall of text you put up. I’m sorry that we decided to criticize you and tell you what you did wrong, because obviously all we’re doing is hating on you and we have no sense of quality at all what so ever.
You have my deepest apologies for the fact that we failed to go back in time and FUCK the information about rules and writing into your brain. Our admin on that project resigned. I also am sorry that we feel we shouldn’t have to.
I’m sorry that we couldn’t recognize how different “Percy the Killer” is from Jeff. I’m sorry that we don’t cater to every fucking story in the world regardless of quality and our own rules. After all, this website is meant for everyone to just throw together what ever they want, right?
I’m sorry that we deleted your story and got fed up with trying to help you because you were too busy ranting and raving to listen. I’m sincerely sorry that we introduced criticism into your world yet again. We just can’t help ourselves.
I’m sorry that you ignored the various Writing Advice blogs made by admins and moderators. Obviously we were hiding them specifically so you couldn’t find them.
I’m sorry that you didn’t deem it wise to ask when you questioned if your story would be acceptable. I’m sorry that we would have gladly chewed it up and spat it back out. Because obviously, expecting some sort of actual effort is just too much.
I’m sorry that we removed the category Baby’s first pasta, where your pasta could never get deleted. I’m sorry that you have to go through the effort of creating a new page rather than posting your story on your profile, blog or talk page. Because we really strive to take five more unforgivable seconds out of your life.
I’m sorry we disregard the warning up on top of your pasta “Disregard the grammar and spelling cause this is my first pasta” and delete it anyhow. After all, that warning delete proofs your pasta by the law in CP Article 29702 Section 3503 Paragraph 200 of the lawbook.
Please accept our apologies this time around. You are obviously the next Stephen King or Kurt Vonegan, and we are mere sheep in your path to success.
Signed,
Princess Douchebaggity Whore dick-sucking “CalasanX”,
Professor in Douchebaggery.