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Yeah, so I'm doing creepypasta reviews. I'm not exactly a master author, but I know enough about what makes a good story. I also hop that my reviews will improve my writing so I can create a good enough finale for my TWO, Grand Rebel stories. Three never happened, I'm deleting that piece of crap later. I will be quite harsh against truly bad pastas, and be quite positive towards good pastas. Just link me your pasta.
Good things will be in bold, and things I dislike will be in italics. I will first summarize the tale, then move on and give my thoughts on it alongside my interpretation of the story. I am also open to re-reviewing some pastas should you give me enough insight on what you disagreed with that I did or didn't like so I can stop being a dumbass and see what you truly mean to do.
WARNING: This blog will have some very harsh comments, cussing, and
slight SEVERE shaming. I say this now before anyone complains; Just because it wasn't deleted doesn't mean it's good. If your atrocity still exists on the wiki, it might have just barely made the cut. Don't be surprised if I end up beating your pasta into pulp.
To start, I'll do reviews on two creepypastas. One good, and one bad.
Creepypasta Review Number 1: Abandoned By DisneyEdit
Ok, who hasn't reviewed this pasta before. Its good. I like it a lot and it's part of a series that won't get old anytime soon, so let's get started.
To begin, I am a big fan of alternate-reality creepypasta. Not many people know abotu a certain place or thing, so it's a perfect victim for the mangling and twisted nature of creepypasta. In this situation, it's visiting an abandoned Disney theme park found in the tropics. Theres a good thing, the place is real, vague, and real vague. After explaining some of it's backstory, and it's past along with all the facst and rumors he believes in. The protagonist explaisn hwo he came to discover the location through other blog posts and whatnot and decided to go see for himself. Armed with a camera and his own sanity, he walks around the melancholy island. Around him is the titular phrase, "ABANDONED BY DISNEY" and a bunch of rotting, old and just... uninviting things.
Then he reaches the grand palace. He notices that what the place should have looked like by now isn't really how he imagined it. It's all one big mindfuck that you could only understand when you're reading it, only to get mindfucked again as soon as your peel your eyes off of the story. Things that shouldn't be happening at that point are happening, such as the water still flowing or fucking VOICES amongst the eerie silence. Then we have the python, a casual scare. Not a "ghost" or "satan ripping the hero's head off" (although those who read it all know there will be heads coming off). Just a giant python, slithering away just because they let him out after Disney abandoned the park.
Also, small things start to raise fear that you might have not noticed. The sun is starting to set, everything beyond the python is now around nighttime. "Who cares?" you might say. Ok then, how about you go to Chernobyl's theme park at night.
The author then explains how he comes across the mascot room after some exploring and finds out that it's untouched. Great, some stuff he can loot right? That seems to be his goal as he breaks in. He finds a curious underground maze and he finds the dreaded "CHARACTER PREP 1" room. Yes, that room. Finding a donald duck suit, he takes the costume and removes the head off of it, then SMASH! Mr. Bones' head shatters on the floor. A human skull is left on the floor, terrifying the author and he takes pictures of it all as he starts to leave.
Then, a photo-negative mickey stood up. The author is terrified, the camera is getting totaled, and then.. the famed line. "Hey," it said in a hushed, perverted, but perfectly executed Mickey Mouse voice, "Wanna see my head come off?"". It's at that moment where the climax occurs, it tears it's head off and yellow, chunky blood spurts out from it's neck. The author flees without even stopping and as he leaves, he sees a final message on the space above the doorway. The now open, doorway. "ABANDONED BY GOD."
The author then realizes that his camera was totaled, thus making all the pictures he took useless. He also makes another realization, he realizes that Disney didn't want nosey people like him getting into the secrets the park held, and they didn't want those secrets getting out.
This is where the pasta ends.
My thoughts on the storyEdit
This is not only a story about a hellish Disney theme park, it's also attacking our childhoods, and it's leaving us paranoid. My favorite kind of fear. The author says he broke open the doors leading to the prep room, they're wide open now. What do you think that means? Those THINGS are free now. They might be waiting, or they might be roaming the streets. We don't know what they are or what they do, but we know they're free. It is also hinted that they might have roamed the park beforehand. Inside the prep room it says "ABANDONED BY GOD" and shows that nothing was touched, just padlocked and left alone for eternity. Something wrote that, and something wrote abandoned by Disney all over the park. You can say it was locals, or you could say that it was... "them".
There are a lot of things, subtle, normal things that still induce fear in this too. Again, hinting that the events of the "spooky mouse" occured at night, genius. This is scay for someone looking for a good read alone, but at the same time it's gold for someone who pays attention to the small details too. The writing is casual, not some victorian-era writing and makes you feel like "hey, I could compare the author with some people I know". I'm not saying that the author is your neighbor, but it feels like someone who would fit into society today and be capable of raiding abandoned theme parks. I can somewhat envision myself with the character in most scenes.
Another thing I like is that it uses the concept of "bluud" only once, and it's unique. I don't think it's unique just because the blood is yellow and chunky, I think it's different because it uses blood in a way that fits in and goes perfectly with the buildup. I mean seriously, first you have a human skull and then you have a fucking mouse costume rip it's own head off and bleed out yellow gushers.
In the end, this is a classic that you should definitely read and follow. There is a part two named "Room Zero", but I might not bother reviewing that until a special occasion arrives.
I give this pasta 10/10.
Creepypasta Review Number 2: Slenderman Will Find YouEdit
Oh god. THIS is what inspired me to do reviews actually, to help people realize that when you write a slenderman creepypasta now, YOU'RE BEATING A DEAD FUCKING HORSE.
The story begins with some sort of log, and it describes the cliche buildup of a slenderman haunting. I have to laugh at the log, it's so fucking stupid. "...Saw a tall man in the window. He sure eats a lot of veggies". I picked at that quote a lot while I read this. It then leads up to the "OHMYGAWSE RDSHGI ITS HIM SAVE ME OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo..." moment. Then we meet our "hero" who says that it was his friend James' log. Based on how he writes, I guess he and Jason are both about 13, 14 years old. That's how old most authors try to sound like in these tales anyway. But honestly, would a fucking 13/14 year old kid say "He sure eats a lot of veggies" at his age? HONESTLY?
The brat says he got his friend Jason's computer and that it's his fault he died, blah blah blah. But get this, this is where it turns to shit guys. IT WAS BECAUSE HE PLAYED SLENDER. Yes, Slender. A game that got old a long time ago. Apparently the game gave his computer a blue screen (see kids, that's why I don't click the links offering to download slender on youtube) and that's how all the shit started. Turns out that the same thing happens to the hero and he sees slenderman's face on the computer screen written in text. Some more nonsense like "IFOUNDANOTHERTOX_X" and some funnymouth looking face [(o)_(o) = O)_(O] happens. Looks like Slendy's programmed his own virus, poor guy's too old to teleport around and make kids piss their pants. Speaking of pissing your pants, the hero gets the message that he's gotta find 8 pages in 8 days and pees himself with a side note saying " I don't mean to disturb anyone reading this but I literally peed in my pants". We don't care, it's natural for people who act like annoying little kids to do that.
This kid has got some bad sanitation habits too, right after pissing himself he just goes right to bed. That's right, pissing the bed is too old-school now. Now we piss ourselves BEFORE we get in bed! Then he says he woke up early to avoid the fate of death (he had 8 days, this is day fucking 1) and turns on Jason's laptop. The first hint is a mailman dropping off a package we assume is from slenderman. Looks like slendy can't afford to teleport and drop it off himself. Way to help the bad guy U.S. Postal Service, as if your service isn't shitty enough in the northwest!
The note says No Escape. The author then says "classic" as if he's trying to cover up the cliche. It's like taking pac-man and changing it to a ghost eating pellets and pac man chasing him around. It's not classic when it's something we're familiar with, it's classic when it's something we're familiar with and it's ORIGINAL. Then we reach a part that I'm not even gonna summarize, it's already explained on it's own.
"It was then I suspected this is too easy, something is not right, so I had a knife handy in my pocket. I looked around the house and no pages, so I went outside to have some fun, but nobody was outside. I took my bike and then I was blinded and he appeared. I rode my bike as fast as I could away from him but he would blind me and appear right in front of me every time. I ran into a car and I fell. I had no time to pick it up so I limped away. I paused to rest and think. After some thinking I realized I had to
go to the forest because that is where the notes are. I simply walked, resting my legs for when I truly needed them. I saw someone curled up I'm a ball."
That escalated quickly.
Turns out the kid that's curled up in a ball is fucking JASON. YES, THE KID WHO DIED. And the dialogue that they exchange is so cold, its like the hero wasnt even friends with Jason. It's like seeing your brother come back from the war and be like "Yeah, whatever. You left your window open while you were gone". He's just so heartless in this little scene. It clearly says; "Jason looked so happy to see me". THEN WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO SEE YOUR FRIEND YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
Then he comes up with some sort of fancanon shit and says that Slenderman showed up and that our hero tried to "Sush" Jason after the dumb fucker just yelled. They were chased through a field of dead, decaying bodies and then they lost Slendy, but they can't throw up because Slenderman would smell it with his "instinct".
Ok, if someone threw up I wouldn't even have to be a goddamn DOG to smell that, hell I'd have heard them throw up long before the smell! And.. Ugh. I'm gonna CTRL+V this next final part because oh god.. it's so stupid.
"We found another note on a tree. We grabbed it and ran. As we ran, we heard police sirens getting closer and closer and we ran into a cop. We told him all about what happened, and the forest was shut down immediately and the cops found the 6 remaining notes for us and I gave 4 to Jason so HE doesn't die.
The notes were gone by morning, and sadly, 2 weeks later, Jason slipped into a coma and died due to him getting in contact with Slenderman. I hope he is in a better place now. That is all that happened and please read the Tech Tip below as it is vital to your life. TECH TIP: If Slender bluescreens your computer, read the blue screen of death and if it has any of the messages mentioned in the story, run for your freakin' life."
Ok what the fuck was that. TECH TIP? MOTHERFUCKING TECH TIP. This doesn't even sound like a creepypasta anymore. No sir, this is what I call an actionpasta. A creepypasta that loses the whole concept of fear and just replaces it with a bunch of high-octane events. Seriously, the story implies that cops were on their way to another emergency (potentially a hostage situation) and stopped just because two complete fucking idiots asked them to find 6 pages for them. Then Jason dies again. OH, AND APPARENTLY YOU CAN SHUT DOWN FORESTS
The End. That's it. I despise this pasta, this is the king of all bad pastas. Cliche, overused ideas, illogical events, bad grammar (sush) and just... beats at a dead horse.
And I still have to clarify my thoughts on this. Lemme just CTRL+V what I posted in the pasta's comment section really quick
My thoughts on the storyEdit
1. The concept has been long ignored and no longer scary, and you never hear people talk about how scary Slender was for them since the fandom died out. As a hardcore slenderman fan, I know myself that the only thing that makes Slenderman scary is the paranoia, not the fact that he "puts you into psychotic comas" or "he's tall and kills you". No. Just the fact that he might be real. Sure we say he isn't, and he most likely isn't. But we can't say he isn't real as much as we can't say he is real. Is the son of a bitch real? Maybe, I fucking hope not if he plans on making me a victim.
2. They disobeyed the spinoff rule. Slendy, again, is no longer that scary due to excessive stories about him. Kinda like how we laugh at the old dracula movies, that's how I see the "main fandom" now. Laughable. It's also become the fucking hollywood franchise of creepypasta, it's gone on for long enough. I'm going to delete my third Grand Rebel story and replace it with a finale because I'm seriously not about to end up having a part 7.
3. They make this sound like one huge "just for laughs" prank that ended up killing a friend and nobody told you it was a joke. It's a good concept, yes. Slender in real life, like literally real life. I'd piss myself if I knew it was going to happen too. But what makes me feel so safe, so unmoved is that everyone knows how to avoid it 24/7 with no hassle: Just don't play it. And nobody is GOING to play it because most of the pop culture community lost their fucks to give about slenderman a long time ago. It's 2014, Slender was 2012. 2 years doesn't sound like a long time, but it is.
4. The writing, oh god the writing. I'm not complaining about grammar, I'm talking about the TMI and how casual it is. To begin, I don't mind casual writing. In fact it might be the most legitimate way to write a creepypasta, but don't make it sound like you gave zero fucks. Honestly, it sounds more like a bar conversation you'd have when you're drunk off your ass. "Yeah, so fucking Slendy was real. I had to play his game and -hiccup- and like, I still had to collect the 8 pages. My friend died, and I had to give him some pages to save him but it didn't work and..."
It just doesn't appeal to me. If I'm going to have sympathy for a character, it's because it's something I will always see myself doing at some point in my life, not some supernatural scavenger hunt.
So, I gives this pasta 2/10. Not only because I hate it, but because it's a bad example for other users. "YEH, SLENDYMANZ IS KEWL I GONA MAKE A STOREE OFF HIM!"
To whoever wrote this story, I have this open message to you...
IT'S THE BEST TROLLPASTA
I'VE EVER READ if it's even supposed to be one...