(It's a user name template, it shows everyone their own user name)
Dear <insert name here>

I'm sorry for contributing to the ruination of this site.

I'm sorry that this is no longer a place where you can just host a story to show your friends. Maybe someday science will invent even one other way for you to do that.

I'm sorry that you are no longer allowed to post any old shit.

I'm sorry that you have to try.

I'm sorry we removed the "Baby's First Creepypasta" section of the site that made anybody's first creepypasta not have to comply to any of the rules.

I'm sorry we don't recognize the disease that makes you publicly post every single thing you write regardless of quality. All writing must be shared with others, nothing should or can be kept to yourself. There is no way to privately get feedback from people or even just write something you don't show anyone, but create purely for practice. This is a serious disease and we are sorry we can't do more. Fuckin' Obamacare.

I'm sorry that we criticized you. It's not like you posted a creative work on a public forum. Creative works are never judged for their merits and public outlets are the most private sanctuaries known to man.

I'm sorry that we have maliciously created the concept of criticism and introduced it to your world. Thankfully, this is only temporary. You will soon go back to never, ever being criticized for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry we don't understand that you wrote your story for fun or just because you wanted to. It's selfish of us to not let you shit up the site based on your whims.

I'm sorry that we have standards like, I don't know, every other popular creepypasta site on the internet.

I'm sorry that nobody told you about the quality standards. We really need to make it more obvious than the half a dozen links to the rules and standards on the main page, a sidebar that appears on most pages saying you need to know how to spell, punctuate and use words and the site rules index that you get linked to after your first edit that contains a bunch of pages telling you what you can and can't do and what is expected.

I'm sorry that it requires so much effort, not just to find the rules, but to know them. It's shitty that we make all these rules and then put the burden of having to know them on you. YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR RULES! How rude. We're currently working on a way to go back in time and have sex with your pregnant mother. It's our hope that we can FUCK this information into your baby brain, so you'll be born knowing the rules. HOW ELSE WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO KNOW THEM? ASIDE FROM JIZZING THE RULES INTO YOUR FETAL BRAIN? IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY? IS THERE?

I'm sorry that we don't take the time to teach you how to write. It is unreasonable the we named this place the "Learn How to Do Basic Writing and Storytelling Wiki" and then don't provide that service.

I'm also sorry that we've hidden the pages giving you advice.  WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?!

I'm sorry we don't warn you that we're going to be deleting stories. This place would run much more smoothly if everytime we encountered a bad page we sent the user a message, waited, found other bad submissions and sent those users messages, either came to the end of an arbitrary time period and then deleted your story OR have you tell us you don't want your story deleted and then deleted it any way.

I'm sorry that we don't let your story remain on site so its low quality can inspire others to be better.

I'm sorry that we deleted your story even though it had good reviews from one random person.

I'm sorry that we didn't give your story a chance to find its audience, even though the inflow of new stories and the amount of old stories and the story's lack of quality makes it unlikely that would ever happen.

I'm sorry that we don't find you as magnificent as your parents, teachers and friends. We are clearly biased and they are not.

I'm sorry that we don't accept references from MrCreepypasta, or any other youtube narrators who make money off of other people's hard work, as signs of quality.

I'm sorry that we don't understand that POPULARITY is directly equal to QUALITY. Every popular thing is of remarkable quality, such as Justin Beiber, Twilight, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Nickelback, McDonald's, not reading books and racism.

I'm sorry that we don't understand that while obviously everything popular isn't good, your work is definitely the exception. There's no reason for us not to know, because you did tell us.

I'm sorry that we have not yet adopted the ability to exchange the amount of time spent writing for automatic inherent quality.

I'm sorry that we are part of a massive conspiracy to fuck you over and destroy the things you love.

I'm sorry that we are not a part of your particular fandom, thus we have a bias against it. Again, we are blinded by the fact that we aren't rabid fans of something.

I'm sorry that no one gives a shit you're leaving.

I'm sorry that we haven't died, fucked ourselves, eaten any dicks, gotten an education or anything else that you've kindly asked us to do.

I'm sorry that we didn't make you save a copy of your own writing. What kind of idiot would do such a thing?

I'm sorry that our opinions and sense of quality are complete bullshit. They must be, we deleted your story. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORONS ARE WE?!

I'm sorry that we don't understand what poetry is. Obviously, poetry is when you format words in a way that makes them look like a poem.

I hope you can accept my apologies. You are a perfect angel. You will write the world's next great novel. I am jealous and I have damned myself a Hell that not even Bosch could imagine.


Jambles "ImGonnaBeThatGuy" Numbermuncher, DDS

Phnom Penh, Cambodia