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I'm back, and with a rant

Havoc98 March 30, 2014 User blog:Havoc98

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So yeah, I've been having tons of struggles lately from school, family, and sometimes just my rotten luck. Nothing too bad, but annoying nonetheless. I've already written up a creepypasta like I promised, only not in the format I said it would be. It keeps getting deleted since the admins keep spotting something wrong with it, when I'm sure I'd gotten it fixed; but I suppose they have their reasons for doing so. I placed it on the workshop, under the name of Empty Streets (Needs Review for Appeal). Just saying, in case you guys are interested in reading and suggesting anything about it.

I just recently camped out in the woods and I have to say though, the atmosphere was creepy. It wasn't enough to scare me. I guess it's hard to come by any fear after reading and watching so many horror movies. I suppose the feeling gets old, but I do find creepy places oddly relaxing. It's just a simple update, but I'm really here to rant about a few things, which you don't have to pay attention to if you don't want to. I've basically been getting frustrated over my school's BS, My family's expectations and demands, my luck, and other people as well.

I'm usually a very tolerant person, but lately, I've just been getting pissed off so much and not having anything to vent out on. I suck at almost everything I try, which really sucks in itself because I have nothing to be proud of and nothing to do to keep me calm. I could always write a creepypasta, but with so many things taking up my mind's space, I'm being driven nuts and can't afford the luxury of thinking up stories or just thinking for myself at all. School is getting demanding and unreasonably unfair, and I don't say this as your average spoiled teenager; three essays, two tests, a whole book expected to be read and understood, all in one week is a pretty big deal, especially if it becomes a repetitive thing every week.

I usually wake up at five in the morning to go to the gym or to a mixed martial arts class every day of the week before going to school. I'd like to say that I'm doing it because I want to, but again, it's just another thing my parents forced me into; especially since my brother is pre-diabetic, and I've been dragged and forced to share in a strict ass diet and extreme exercises so he doesn't feel left out. I mean, I know it's a big deal; being pre-diabetic and all, but they seriously never consider how I feel about anything. I've gotten to the point of just not giving a fuck, and going with the damn flow, since going against it results in no positive outcomes, and only gets me more emotionally butt fucked.

Not to mention that I woke up one morning to find that my dog was paralyzed from the waist down. I have two dogs; one belongs to my brother, the other belongs to me. Late at night, a creature snuck in and picked a fight with my dogs, and my own dog ended up getting his ass beat. There was blood, and I can tell that my dog didn't let the fucking dick head of a rodent get out without its ass getting a beating, but we doubt my dog will ever walk again. We're sending him to several vets, since my parents are trying to avoid getting him an expensive opperation that has no guarantee that it'll work. If the therapies don't work, and they don't give us any news, they will have to put him down.

He's depressed and starving himself; he won't even let me feed him his prescribed pain killers. My parents would repetitively ask if we should put him down. I could see it in their faces; they knew it would show mercy since his life was hell, and he couldn't even look us in the eye. They just didn't have the heart to come out clean and call the shot, and my siblings kept weeping. I knew that they expected at least someone to say to put him down, and I had to be the bastard that said it. I felt like I was betraying him, since all he's ever done was give us his full loyalty and love, and I in return decide to give him the damn needle.

I feel guilty for not mourning or getting angry, but I'm not surprised, I've taken a turn to becoming a stone-hearted person. I'm not sure if it's a gift or a curse, since it has its ups and downs. My parents always give me a hard time about being introverted and indifferent, maybe even callous. What can I do about it? Things haven't been going well and I used to be overrun with all sorts of emotions. I was a wreck, until I put tons of dedication to making myself untouchable by anyone but myself. It worked, but now it proves that it only tempted people to try harder to make me fall.

Even though I am a callous person, I suppose that everyone loses their footing eventually, and suffers a fall. I lost it eventually, and broke things in my room. I felt like hurting someone, killing something, tearing everything apart. This was at least a year and two months worth of rage, confusion, frustration, exhaustion, and annoyance; that I've kept bottled up all along.

I've been having these confusing feelings. Feelings that I just cant understand or explain, but they bother me and torment me endlessly. I'm sure I've described it to a group of my closest friends, both its physical and mental effects, but they were all too busy to listen to me. It's lost within the history of the chat, and it'd probably take me forever to find it again; and I am clueless as how to describe it here. In simple terms, today I feel stuck.

It isn't the same feeling I was talking about earlier, but I just feel like I'm trapped. I'm dying of boredom as well. I'm too bored to study, and too bored to play or watch netflix. I'm considering going to sleep, but even that is too "boring" as well. Before and after this rant, I was just sitting down basically wasting perfectly good time. This callousness I'm developing however, is taking up a majority of most feelings I used to have. I remember doing something to "lock" all my emotions away, as shown at a website I searched for, feeling the need to become emotionally stronger.

It worked, but I'm not so sure how to reverse it. So many feelings I once knew feel alien and foreign now. I would again, add more detail, but I have no clue how to describe it.

My friend is also acting weird, sometimes taking it out on me, of all people he could possibly blame. My friends ask me why I take his shit, but I just let him because he doesn't know any other way, and I try to be the better person. I just don't feel any importance anymore. I'm just being crushed beneath stress, confusion, and anger; and I feel that I have no meaning or importance to anything. I didn't even feel excited for my sixteenth birthday that was on March 12th.

My parents asked me where I wanted to throw the party, what I wanted, who I wanted to invite, etc. However, I didn't feel anything. I couldn't have cared less. It all just seemed unimportant, and it all just feels hollow and empty, just like I usually feel. We just went out to dinner, and it was nothing special. For my sixteenth birthday, I only got twenty bucks and a rubber ball. I'm not kidding, I can post a picture of both gifts. My family is pretty wealthy, so there's really no excuses for not giving me any other gifts than what I got... but in all honesty, I'm not even mad, and I don't even care.

I just can't find it in myself to give a damn anymore. I'm not suicidal or anything, so none of you have to worry about me cutting or going to jump off some roof somewhere. I just feel lost. Believe me, I tried praying, writing, talking, and finding anything to fill this hole. None of it works.

Yet, if there's anything I really want; and that I know I want for sure. I just want a person to share all my feelings with. Someone that'll understand me, even though I tend to be idiotic and confusing sometimes. And if not understanding, then will just try to, and will put up with me. Someone who will go through great lengths to show me they're here for me, and that they'll never judge or give up on me, no matter what. Today, right now, this second... it seems like too much to ask.

you have to understand that, I'm so introverted here at home, that I have absolutely no one to talk to about these things. Not even my parents. I've tried councilors and only ended up getting stabbed in the back and ratted out. it sucks not having anyone to bond with. I know I have my online friends, and they're the best-est friends I could ever ask for, but sometimes, typing *hug* just doesn't cut it.

This was just another one of my pointless rants.

Gotta go finish reading at least eleven more chapters if I want to meet my book's deadline on tuesday, bye and thanks for listening.

                                                                                                                                                          -Havoc

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