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I'm back with another blog fueled by my complete boredom yet again. So while my last update was a very long time ago, a lot has happened. For starters, I've noticed drastic changes to my persona; some of it minor, some of it that raises some concern on my part. My grandfather also passed away about a month ago. We were close, and it hit the family hard; especially my mother. His birthday is on July 14th, and I have no doubt in my mind it'll still have some what of an impact towards my grandmother and mother as it did today on father's day.
So I'll start at the beginning, and as always; you don't have to read if you really don't want to. It happened exactly at 3:30am on April 14th, he had a stroke and was driven to a hospital where he passed away. I remember not knowing what to say at all, nor how to react. I was dumbfounded and to be honest, I just hugged my mom and not long after went to my room where I mindlessly used my computer, a majority of it just staring at my desktop monitor. I didn't cry, I didn't shout, I just felt empty. I just sat there and stared, realizing that the person that I loved so much in my childhood and the man who basically played big roles in my past just passed away.
At first, it didn't hurt much; but no matter what, I kept it bottled in. The pain unbearably grew, and I held it in at his service, at his burial, and at his mass. The service was terribly depressing. If it wasn't what was already inside that was tearing me apart, the sight of my grandfather in his coffin and my mother and grandmother crying was. I remember walking up the aisle to pay my respects and finally seeing him; it felt like getting hit like a truck. I felt so much pain in my chest, but I wouldn't allow myself to break in front of everyone. That was one of the major changes in me.
I refused to acknowledge my feelings, and I refused to let them out and show them. So for those four days, I did not cry, I did not vent, I did nothing. I dealt with that growing pain in my chest. It was unbearable to the point where that emotional pain started affecting me physically. I would feel the pain in my chest, I could not breathe, I would feel weak, and I would feel light headed. It kept going like that, and I refused to show emotion until it finally led to my panic attack. If that wasn't bad enough, the finals were also onto me as well.
It was after those four days that I started noticing these changes. For one thing, which was probably already here since the early stages, I have become emotionally careless, or just callous. I tried my best to hide my emotions, ignore them, hold them in, and at first it would be quite a task, but now I can do it without even thinking about it. I'm not easily affected by much anymore.
These changes won't sound like such a big deal to you guys because you weren't there to experience them, and you don't know me well enough to notice how drastic they were. My closest friends would have noticed, but it came to the point where I stopped talking about my problems with them, since I only felt like a burden, and they didn't understand or care half the time. They only noticed that I became more withdrawn and less talkative.
Another change would be my fear in general. I'm getting to the point where I naturally fear nothing. I walk in the dark without wonder or fear of what's in it, only acknowledging that I'm apart of it now. I face uncomfortable situations and I couldn't be more calm. I really don't shiver at any thoughts of having to walk down a hallway with a flickering light anymore; half the time I don't even need my phone's light to walk through my house's long dark hallways in the middle of the night.
"So you can walk down a dark spooky hall without a light, big whoop." I don't blame you since I didn't really have a chance to prove my oncoming "fearlessness". I'm simply stating my changes, since those things would indeed make me paranoid or just very uncomfortable.
Though I am not afraid of monsters or ghosts now, humans are very real. One night we forgot to turn on the alarm, and my parents were out to dinner. It's easy to always face the threat of being invaded or what not if you're home alone, and I'm sure kids my age just left alone in the house have all sorts of things to worry about. We're all guilty of grabbing a bat or something and locking ourselves in our rooms, and freezing at the sound a creak and what not.
(I'll also have another blog up to show as an example later on of an experience I had)
So the usual beep that welcomes the opening of a door went off late at night, with me and my little brother being the only people in the house. He was very frightened because he was already wondering if it could be an intruder that had gotten in. I carelessly told him to wait in his room, and walked over to the door to confront whoever entered. It was gladly my parents, but it's just one example of a change. Since normally I would be shaken and have a bat with me or some shit.
Another change would be my dreams. My dreams are always so violent now, whereas I used to not even dream at all. It's always of me hurting something, killing something, or just some story that involves me doing said actions. I've been tempted to hurt things while awake too. Of course that's died down now and I never really did anything in response to said temptations other than ignore them, but my dreams do still include violence nonetheless; only instead of mindless killing, I'm doing it in self-defense or for saving the world in some wacky story. I'm guessing this is all just a faze, cause I'm sure as hell not going to shoot up a school. I'm weird, but I'm not bat-shit crazy.
Either way, I'm shoving it off as a result of me playing too many violent video games and horror games. Most likely since I recently got into Killing Floor and Hotline Miami. But when my dreams aren't like that, they're usually of me being lost. I end up in some castle or large building with never ending rooms. The rooms and the architecture are always so interestingly put, and they give off this relaxed but weird feeling.
I've become wiser. Wise in many aspects. I've been open to trying new things, helping people out, watching documentaries on youtube when I've got nothing better to do, getting closer to family and what not. I guess it's a good turn out of the things that have happened and with the way I currently feel. I still haven't found a hobby or anything I'm truly good at, and I pass the day playing games with friends or just sleeping.
One thing I'm constantly teased of among my friends is also my uncanny lack of interest in love.
It's another change I've noticed. Normally kids my age are desperate for a girlfriend, some guys cry over it, some guys cut over it, some guys get so depressed over it, hell some guys even go so far as to threaten to commit suicide. I know because I've seen it all around me, and gladly no one has actually killed themselves.
I'm really not interested in all of that. I'm not saying I'm 10/10 against relationships and have a grudge on all women for not liking me because I'm secretly an obese waifu loving cave dweller with a level 60 wizard and work as the janitor of 4chan for free. From what I hear and see, some girls complement me and check me out, but for some reason in person they treat me like a potato. I know because I'm the quiet kid and the guy that happens to be at the right place and at the right time to hear all of that stuff, as well as see it for myself. Sometimes I'm even told since my mom is the type that gets along with their moms and share gossip. Sometimes it's girls out on the streets that I've never met before too.
I'm just not interested. I feel like I have no real need for it, nor do I want it. I am glad that girls find me attractive, at least I'm not ugly right? I have friends who complain about it all the time and get so depressed over it that it's incredible. I have friends that struggle to keep relationships together as well, and some who just want to feel that love that everyone looks for but makes mistakes.
I'm just saying, finding a girlfriend isn't at the top of my list, and I think people shouldn't make such a damn big deal over it. So you won't get in her pants, or maybe she doesn't feel the same, it isn't the end of the damn world. I mean just look at that Elliot Rodgers kid; it bothers me cause one of my friends sounds like that and I constantly have to remind him that it isn't everything, cause I sure as hell don't want him to go shoot up some place either.
I used to be so obsessed about that, but it instantly left me.
I'm more withdrawn from my friends now, and they don't talk to me either except my closest friend, but we just fuck around and have fun online. The difference between me and them is that their depression turned into advanced depression. My depression turned into morbid happiness and callousness. I seem to acknowledge that I'm blessed and I'm happy about it, but I'm still cursed to drag this feeling of dread, sadness, the feeling of being stuck, or this very very unpleasant and weird feeling I can never describe. But all those feelings in the end, pleasure me in some way.
Another change is pain. I'm telling you guys, I'm a big pussy when it comes to pain. Needles will most definitely do me in. But now, they bring me pleasure. Now, I don't want to sound like some edgy kid that says they cut and shit. I'm against that, and I have to help my friend avoid it. She goes through many terrible things and I try my best, but sometimes it's just not enough. I gladly never did subdue myself to self-harm, but whenever I do come across accidentally hurting myself, be it big or small, I can't help feeling pleasured. It tickles sometimes and if not, it doesn't really phase me.
Over all, it ended up just making me a philosophical pleb with an uncanny urge to sleep a lot. I don't feel much joy or amusement, but not much depression either. I'm like the embodiment of "meh". If I'm not feeling that weird feeling, or just wasting away on my computer, I'm really damn bored. I'm also loosing the urge to eat. Thankfully my boredom is making me try new things and help more around the house, so at least I'm doing something productive and not something I shouldn't be doing.
I do however avoid my friends due to their depression and negativity though. Not only do they themselves not talk, when they do, they only complain and bellyache. I've offered help countless times but not only do they shove my reasonable advice away, they also make the dumbest decisions even though you've told them millions of times in different ways not to. You get the urge to say "I told you so" but you don't because they're your close friends and they're butt hurt at the moment. So I get tired of telling them the same story and really, it just brings me down seeing them sink and not being able to do anything.
I also find that half of their depression is due to their will to not fix themselves and fight. They won't accept help, they won't accept advice, they won't do anything to help themselves, and one of them just starves and cuts herself and then says life sucks and I tell her the reasonable steps to take to make it suck less, but NO~. Then they complain about exactly what I said would happen, why I'm never there, or why I don't offer help and I just can't help feeling frustrated.
I myself don't really have anyone to open up to. I don't do drastic things like cut or starve myself either. I just keep it bottled in and occasionally let it out on a blog if I'm really bored enough. If it's too deep and private for me to disclose to anyone, I'll write it down in a document and keep it as a memento of my rather odd youth. I do wish I had someone here to open up to, I really do. Sadly no one is really there, and if it's my parents, they either tell me what I'm going through is normal, not real, or just attention seeking.
Truth is, I don't even understand why I feel the way I do. I'm blaming it on my hormones and puberty just like my parents are, since there really is no logical reason for me to be this way, considering that I'm blessed with a good family and what not. Although it takes me back to Pope Francis's "three types of destitution", and makes it sound a whole lot more reasonable. I wouldn't worry now, since everything's really just died down and I'm just sitting here bored with nothing to do; left to the company of my feelings and thoughts alone.
thanks for listening -Havoc