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Stupid Horror Characters

Dorkpool October 13, 2014 User blog:Dorkpool

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Ever notice how in most horror movies and stories, there's always some dumbass character? You know what I mean, the character who knows that there's a psychotic murderer/monster/thing that will kill them around, and most likely in a dark place, then hears a noise and thinks, "Gee, I know I might get brutally murdered, but I must check it out!" Then goes down, checks it out, and is a bit surprised when they're brutally murdered.

Or let's not forget the dumbasses who move into the home where they know there were murders/hauntings, and yet decide that's a good place. And when there's a ghostly little girl in a dress staring at them in their room, or the fireplace starts saying, "GET OUT", OR when there's blood dripping down the wall, they attribute it to the house settling or some bullshit like that.

And let's not forget the horny teenagers who know there's a psychotic killer around who roams the forest, but when they get to the forest they decide, fuck it, we'll fuck. And then they're surprised when they get stabbed.

My point is, these kinds of things are way too common when it comes to horror. In fact, when you think "horror movie", I'm sure one of the first thoughts in your head is "dumbasses who do stupid stuff and get brutally murdered."

This needs to change. Horror would be scarier if the characters did all the right things, and yet death was unavoidable. No matter what happens, you'll be dead.

To help differentiate between what a smart character would do and what a dumb character would do, here's a little quiz.

1. You find a closed grave, and hear bumping from it. Do you

a) Open it

b) Stay far away from that thing

c) Ask if there's anyone in there, then set it on fire

2. There's a mysterious killer about, and you hear noises coming from your basement. You know the killer is in your house. What do you do?

a) Go inside the basement, unarmed

b) Get a gun, bring a friend (who's also armed), and check it out

c) Find a handy grenade, and chuck it into the basement.

3. You and a companion of the sex you find attractive are in a forest. You both know that there's a killer around this area. What do you do?

a) Have sex

b) Get the fuck out

c) Break a tree branch to use as a weapon, and get the hell out of there.

4. You're playing a video game that appears to be haunted, and malicious. It says that if you keep playing it, it will come to life and kill you. Do you

a) Keep playing it

b) Stop playing it and destroy the fucking thing

c) Give the game to your enemy as a peace offering, and smile when you hear news of your enemy's death.

5. You and your family have moved into a new house. As it turns out, there were murders here, and it was built on Indian burial ground. The walls start bleeding, the fireplace is yelling, "GET OUT", and your animals are found dead and hanging on doorways throughout the house. Do you

a) Stay there, since it's probably just the house settling

b) Get the hell out of there

c) Burn down the house

6. You're watching an episode of your favorite childhood tv show. As it turns out, this episode is really messed up, showing things that the censors and anyone with any sense of humanity would object to. You're not compelled to watch, and you can stop whenever you want. Do you

a) Keep watching and subject yourself to unneccesary mental scarring

b) Stop watching

c) Shoot your tv multiple times

7. There's a knock at your door. You see a tall, pale man dressed in black, and has fangs. He asks to come in. Do you

a) Let him in

b) Say he can, as long as he can eat a handy piece of garlic

c) Shine a flashlight in his face, yelling, "DIE, YOU SPARKLY BASTARD!"

8. You're in the zombie apocalypse. You get bitten in the arm by a zombie. Do you

a) Tell no one, become a zombie, and eat all your friends

b) Tell someone, and get shot in the head

c) Cut off your arm, and run around smacking zombies with it

9. Jeff the Killer is in your room. What do you do?

a) Fangirl

b) Stab the bastard with a handy knife

c) Use said knife to neuter him, while yelling, "SEE IF ANY FANGIRLS WANT YOU NOW, YOU EUNUCH!"

If you answered a to most of these questions, congratulations! You're a dumbass.

If you answered b to most of these questions, you're not a dumbass.

If you answered c to most of these questions, you should immediately submit yourself to psychiatric evaluation.

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