You know, everyone’s quick to say that a story is good, or, more often, is bad. Which I understand, don’t get me wrong. But rather than call something crap, I wanted to try something else. There are various stories that, in my opinion, could be good, or at least better, but to achieve their greatness they need a once over.
I think a good example of this is “Jeff the Killer.” Killer guy who looks like the Joker. Not too bad of a concept. Original story sucks though. However, “Jeff the Killer 2015” is pretty great. Not perfect, but I like it.
Jeff isn’t the only one who could use a reboot. A lot of classic Creepypasta stories have aged like William Shatner. I’m going to go over some, why they need a reboot, and an idea or two about how such a thing can be achieved.
Normal Porn For Normal People
There’s a lot of weird shit on the Internet. I know; I masturbate to a lot of it. A story about odd porn videos or whatnot could be interesting, but this story sort of drops the ball. The story’s not awful, just sort of anticlimactic. All this story builds up to is some monkey murdering someone. Wow. How amazing.
What sucks is that there are interesting ideas in this story, mainly about the website itself and the point of it, and what is meant by the “Eradication of Abnormal Sexuality”. Honestly, focusing more on the why and what of the site might be interesting. If you don’t want to do that, then have the narrator be more affected by the videos. End with the narrator saying how they have been eradicated of their abnormal sexuality, and have them talk in their weird broken English style the email had.
Jane the Killer
Did you know there are two different versions of Jane the Killer? Seriously. The first Jane the Killer story – “Jane’s Letter” – was written by MrAngryDog, creator of the Creepypasta Land Wiki (basically, Creepypasta Wiki but less popular and with much lower standards). However, the more well known version of Jane the Killer comes from “Jane the Killer: The Real Story”, whose writer I’m not sure of. “The Real Story” mentions “Jane’s Letter”, but basically calls it bullshit. MrAngryDog, however, wrote his own version of Jane stemming off from “Jane’s Letter”, in various stories which depict her as a superpowered lesbian or something. I haven’t read much of that version, but from what I’ve seen of that and MrAngryDog’s writing, it most likely, as a whole, sucks. I have, however, read both “Jane’s Letter” and “Jane the Killer: The Real Story”, and can definitively say that both suck.
Which is a shame, because as a concept Jane the Killer isn’t the worst. “Lady who wants to kill Jeff the Killer” isn’t entirely groundbreaking or incredibly original, but it could lead to some fun stories if done right. You could make her want to kill Jeff because he murdered her family or something (but in a way completely unrelated to Jeff’s origin). You could make her a bounty hunter who just wants to kill Jeff because someone put a bounty on his head. You could make her a serial killer herself who’s annoyed that Jeff’s taking her kills or something. Or, make her a clearly unhinged serial killer who falls in love with Jeff, but is rejected by him and so she goes nuts and wants to kill him. Parody those Jeff knockoffs who love him or something. There’s a lot you can do. Just don’t tie Jane to Jeff’s origin. His origin is stupid and, on the whole, anything tied to it is incredibly stupid.
BOB
BOB as a monster is fucking ridiculous. He’s just some gray armless guy. I mean, say what you will about Slender Man, but at least he has arms. Hell, with those tentacles, he has arms to spare. Plus, he’s well dressed. BOB is not only not well dressed, but he’s naked and has a dick. Also, the original BOB story is kind of meh. Not awful, just…meh.
So, what should be done with this guy? Make him more scary, more threatening? Make him something you will see in your nightmares?
Hell no! I say, have fun with the ridiculousness of the character. Make a story where BOB tries killing someone, but can’t because he fell over and has problems getting up. Make a comedy horror with BOB, or hell, just a comedy.
These are just opinions and ideas, so make of them what you will. Tell me some you think should be rebooted. Tell me why I’m wrong about why these stories in particular should be rebooted or rewritten. Tell me how much you hate me and my sense of humor so I can laugh in your face and say, “Oh, you fool? You think you hate me? Ha! No one hates me more than I hate myself! MWHAHAHAHA!”
…wow, this took an unexpected turn. I’m going to stop writing now.