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Spider-Man 3: Ugh

Dorkpool November 7, 2014 User blog:Dorkpool

So, in continuation of my little rants about the Spider-Man movies, I'm going to everyone's least favorite Spider-Man movie, Spider-Man 3.

"But wait," you say. "What about Spider-Man 2?"

Well, I was thinking on what I can possibly criticize in Spider-Man 2, and the only thing I can pull up that's not really like the comics, and I haven't addressed before, is Doc Ock. However, I usually like to have five things in these lists, so I'm skipping Spider-Man 2. But, fear not, because today we're looking at Spider-Man 3! Oh boy, Spider-Man 3, the movie that caused a very profitable franchise to be rebooted.

Well, let's get started on this stinker of a Spider-Man movie, shall we?

1) Douchbag Eddie Brock. Ugh. Just...ugh. Let me explain a bit about my disgust: In the comics, Eddie Brock was a reporter for the Daily Globe. There was a villain called the Sin Eater, and someone contacted Eddie claiming to be him. So, naturally, Eddie wrote a series of exposes about the alleged Sin Eater. When he was told to reveal the guy's identity, he did...right before Spider-Man and Daredevil caught the real guy. Eddie was fired, and had to write stories for crappy tabloid papers. Naturally, he blamed Spider-Man for his predicament. But, you see, Eddie Brock wasn't really a bad guy at first. He just made some mistakes. But in Spider-Man 3, we get Douchebag Eddie, the guy who Photoshops Spider-Man into crime scenes to look like a bad guy after Spider-Man breaks his camera. Uh...revenge? Yeah, anyway, Peter exposes Eddie as a fraud, and Eddie gets fired. Naturally, he's pissed, even though he did something that's really wrong, especially if you want to be a professional photographer. And, of course, he has the douchiest personality ever in this movie. Ugh. It should also be noted that Eddie has the hots for Gwen Stacy in this movie, and has to be a bit stalkery about it. Meanwhile, in the comic book universe, Gwen Stacy was dead and Peter Parker had married Mary Jane when Venom came around, and Eddie Brock was married.

2) Sandman. I'll admit, I don't really hate what they did with Sandman in this movie. In the comics, Sandman was a hardened criminal who got sand-based powers after being caught in an atomic testing site (it was the 60s, go with it). He eventually reformed, and was at one point a reserve member of the Avengers! But he became a villain again thanks to some bad guy called the Wizard. In the movie, Sandman is a more sympathetic bad guy. He only turned to crime, and kind of killed Uncle Ben, to help his daughter, who was dying from Unnamed Plot Based Disease, and needed to get money to help her. I'll admit, I like this angle. And the way he was introduced as Sandman, with no words, but with quite an emotional punch, was great. This movie does have some good parts...

3) Emo Peter. ...but a lot of bad parts too. Ugh. Emo Peter. After getting the black suit, Peter Parker decides to become a giant dick, and dress like most fans of My Chemical Romance. And there's the infamous...spider-strut. I want to know who thought, "Hey, you know what would be a good way to show that Peter Parker is becoming evil? Have him start strutting and dancing. That's PURE EVIL!" Good going, guys. Ugh.

4) Kirsten Dunst's singing. A lot of people complained about this, but, to be honest, I don't think it's horrible. I mean, I've heard worse. It's not my cup of tea, but it's not terrible. But since so many people hate it, and I need to get to five on this list, I'll pay it some lip service. Actually, speaking of Kirsten Dunst, Mary Jane, and singing, Cinema Sins made a good point: Mary Jane's career path was weird. She goes from nothing in the first Spider-Man, an off-broadway show in Spider-Man 2, and then starring in a Broadway show in Spider-Man 3. I wouldn't be surprised if she blew a few guys to get there. After all, based on the original movies' interpretation of her, she's been with a lot of people, including: Harry Osborn, Flash Thompson, John Jameson, and Peter Parker. It should be noted that while she was with Harry, she kissed Spider-Man; while she was with Flash, nothing of interest happened; while she was with John Jameson, she still loved Peter; and while she was with Peter, she Twisted with and kissed Harry Osborn, then was manipulated into breaking up with Peter. So...yeah. Mary Jane, please close your legs. Thank you.

5) TOO MANY VILLAINS. The first Spider-Man had one villain. The second Spider-Man had one villain (unless you count Harry Osborn as a villain in this one. I'm not). The third Spider-Man has three freaking villains! And the sad part is, the only reason one villain is in there is because of studio interference. The studio said to Sam Raimi, "Hey, Venom's popular with the kids. Put him in your movie." Eventually, Sam Raimi had to, and the studio interference and such led to him saying, "Fuck it," and leaving Spider-Man 4. Which is why we have The Amazing Spider-Man. But that's not the point. The point is that this movie has too many villains. I mean, if we had the New Goblin and Sandman, that could have worked. Harry's arc was documented through the first two movies, and the second one ended with him finding Norman Osborn's goblin stash. (Thankfully it was his goblin stash, not his porno stash. That guy has some weird fetishes, if his subscription to "Girls Falling Off Bridges Monthly" is an indication) It was logical that Harry would become the New Goblin. And, naturally, a new villain has to be introduced. I personally think Sandman is a better choice than Venom, since, in my opinion, the black suit saga should probably have taken two movies to do right: one movie in which he has the black suit, and decides to give it up, and the next movie introducing Venom. However, this movie has three villains, which means that there's less time dedicated to developing the character of the villains. Which is partly why this movie wasn't that good.

This is the last of these for now. I might decide to come back and do one for Spider-Man 2, or do a part two for The Amazing Spider-Man, because there's a lot more I need to rant about for that movie.

Anyway, the takeaway message from these rants is this: If you see a superhero movie based on the comics, don't expect the movie to give a microbe of a damn about the comics. It'll save you disappointment.

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