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Monopoly: The Movie

Dorkpool January 23, 2015 User blog:Dorkpool

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A while ago, I posted something about a Tetris movie. In it, I railed against the idea, and asked, "Why not a Monopoly movie...?"

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Yep, there's a Monopoly movie in development. And, rather than doing something intelligent with it, like making it similar to something like Wall Street (We all want to see the Monopoly guy say, "Greed is good."), or a parody of the real estate market, it's supposed to be a family adventure movie, with The Goonies being used as a template for it. I'm not making this up, though I wish I was.

Say what you will about a Tetris movie being a sci-fi adventure, at least it's in line with it's little bit of story. Actually, Tetris has no story, which could make it make it sort of work as a sci-fi movie. Ok, not really, but it's better than a Monopoly movie being like The Goonies. I'm sorry, that doesn't work. These two things are nothing alike. Monopoly is a game about real estate that ends friendships and relationships and destroys families. The Goonies is a movie that has, among other things, the Truffle Shuffle. Now, I need to make something very, very, VERY, clear: THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE DOES NOT BELONG IN A MONOPOLY MOVIE.

This...this is stupid beyond all explanation. What has to break in your brain for you to think, "Gee, Monopoly, a game about real estate, needs to be a movie similar to The Goonies!" To quote the Godddamn Batman: "What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something?" (By the way, that quote came from All Star Batman and Robin, considered some of Frank Miller's worst works ever and a terrible comic in general. Why? Well, does Batman thinking, "I touched my mother's breast. It bled on me" seem like a good thing? Because it was in there, along with Batman kidnapping a young Dick Grayson and making remarks that, both out and in context, seem pedophilic. And you know what? Even that crappy comic is better than the idea that's being presented for the Monopoly movie!)

As you can tell, I really don't like this idea. And usaully I end these with a well, "Well, at least..." and try to put a positive and somewhat comedic spin on this (how well I do that is up for debate). However, I can think of no silver lining. This...this is so stupid that it can't possibly get worse.

And, Hollywood, this is not a challenge to you. So don't you dare try doing something even stupider.

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