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FNAF Shipping

Dorkpool February 4, 2015 User blog:Dorkpool

We all know about Five Nights At Freddy's, I'm assuming. Considering it's a horror game, and this is a Wiki dedicated to horror stories, it would make sense. So I'm operating under that assumption.

Anyway, I'm sure you all know about it. Some like it; some hate it; some are indifferent; and some wish people would stop freaking obsessing over it (I'm kind of in the last category, which makes it weird that I'm writing about the game). Now, from what I know, the FNAF fandom is divided into two sections: those who are very obsessed with it, and those who ship characters. Or both. I'm going to be focusing on the second category here (in case you couldn't tell from the title).

Some time ago, I wrote a post on shipping. I was mostly ranting about Creepypasta shipping, and how stupid a lot of it is, since these are characters who, for the most part, aren't the type to love. If I thought Creepypasta shipping was stupid, then it is logical that I would hate FNAF shipping. And that's true. I think it's stupid. Why? Because people are saying two ANIMATRONIC ROBOTS should get into a romantic and/or sexual relationship. Some might argue, "Oh, the robots are possessed by spirits." And that might be true. But even if they are, these possessed robots seem focused on murdering the night guard, not engaging in relationships of any sort. Yet people ship them.

Ok, you know what, let's accept the idea of a ship, just for the hell of it. Question: how do they have sex? These animatronics are made for a Chuck E. Cheese style restaurant. I'm pretty sure these robots don't have the necessary parts to engage in intercourse. Maybe it could be argued that the robots might be able to build themselves the necessary parts, but there's one problem: for the most part, as far as I know, if the robots are possessed, they're possessed by the spirits of children. And I don't know many children who can build robotic phalluses, among other things. Now, if there's one thing I know about fan fiction writers, it's that they enjoy writing smut. There are quite a few who don't, but smut is very prevalent in the fan fiction community.

And now let's just kill the idea of romance between the robots. As far as I know, love and emotion is caused by chemical reactions in the brain. Animatronics don't have brains, or at least the kinds that can feel emotion. Granted, they're posssessed by the spirits of beings who do feel emotion. But I feel like these spirits have only vengenance and murder on their mind, not love. Actually, I personally think that after their deaths, the spirits really lost their ability to feel love. So...yeah.

"What about the security guy?", you may ask. Well, first, these robots are trying to kill him. I'm pretty sure he won't fall in love with something that tries killing him. But let's accept that he loves a robot. In order for it to be mutual, he'd probably have to capture and reprogram the robot. And, of course, that reprograming would involve the creation of artificial emotions. If, according to Star Trek, we get emotion chips for robots around the 24th century, then the security guy would have to make several scientific advances in order to make the robot love him. And even if he was able to do that, couldn't the angry spirit destroy the emotion chip, and kill the guy? So...yeah.

So, anyone who thinks, "Gee, I like that Five Nights At Freddy's game, but I think it needs more smut," please refer to this post. And watch some porn or something, you weirdo.

So, what do you all think? Do you agree? Disagree? Think I should get mauled to death by an animatronic bear? Are you wondering what the hell happened to all the superhero movie news I talk about (for those wondering, there's really not much going on that's rant worthy. Sorry)? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

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