Dorkpool: Ever seen "The Avengers"? No, not the movie based on the British spy show, the one about the superheroes? You know how that movie was this huge crossover event of awesomeness? Well, AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (shortened to AGrim here) and I are going to try and be that awesome, but probably fail because Robert Downey Jr. isn't part of this little group. And keeping the Avengers analogy going, the Loki of this little Rifftique is Jeff the Killer. Yeah, I know, I prefer Tom Hiddleston too, but whatever. Take what you can get.
AGrim: Poor “Jeff The Killer”. Don’t get me wrong, I hate that story as much as the next guy, but I have to kind of pity how much it blew up on the internet. With every story that gets popular, there is usually some kind of spin-off or fan-fiction involved, and “Jeff The Killer” has a ridiculous amount.
Dorkpool: And most all of them suck.
AGrim: Exactly. However, only a couple of these were stories that stayed on this Wiki before all JtK pastas were moved to the JtK Wiki. One of these was “Jeff Is Back”, which is a bit of a sequel to the original story. Whether it is official or not, I have no idea.
AGrim: What I do know for sure is that this story has so many questionable moments and laughably bad sections that a Riff would suit this story perfectly.
Dorkpool: Which is pretty much why I’m here.
AGrim: Without further ado, let us begin.
Dorkpool: Or, to put it another way, let’s watch some stupid videos and Riff this bitch!
The following story was written by
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …someone who really shouldn’t write.
a detective whom, after analyzing video evidence, witness accounts, and the video claimed to have been watched, developed a story. This is that story.
Dorkpool: It’s going to suck, isn’t it?
It was late at night on a typical Tuesday evening. I was surfing the internet as I had two large coffees from my local coffee shop earlier that day and was unable to sleep. After watching pointless YouTube video after YouTube video,
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …most of them involving cats.
I came across a strange title in the related videos bar. None of the characters were of the English language;
Dorkpool: (Narrator): They were all Klingon.
however, the shapes of the characters seemed to resemble words, although I couldn't quite decipher them. Curious, I clicked on the video.
I suddenly began to hear various creaks and groans coming from my house. I whirled around and grabbed a nearby baseball bat, ready for a fatal battle.
AGrim: Does this happen every time he hears a noise? Imagine what this guy does when his alarm goes off in the morning.
To my surprise, there were no intruders in the house, nor any signs of a forced entry. All the doors were also locked.
Dorkpool: Slender Man, stop trolling people.
Figuring I was just going crazy, I shrugged my shoulders and lazily walked back to my room. I had spent a lot of money on a high bandwidth connection, so I was perplexed that the video I had clicked on had not loaded yet. I impatiently clicked the video four more times in an attempt to bring it up. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, the page finally loaded. The background was black and it completely hid all of the text, except for the username of the uploader and the description, both in crimson red. The username of the uploader was "NightmareSLUMBER"
and the description read as such:
How ignorant of you.
You are unaware of my demonic presence in your life.
I will destroy everything you stand for.
I am always watching you.
And soon you will come to live with me...
Dorkpool: Does where ever you are have wi-fi?
Figuring this was simply the idiocy of a twelve year old, I did not heed the danger I was in. The video began with a picture of an abandoned mental asylum (Later found out to be Denbigh asylum). The picture was a long, dark, and tattered corridor extending past the viewer's visual field. The left wall of the corridor had windows separated by columns. The corridor was bathed in an eerie moonlight, only broken by the shadows of the columns. The darkness of the corridor was a pure black, the likes of which I had never seen. I got the vibe that the asylum was hastily abandoned and never cleaned up.
AGrim: Well, duh. You already said it was abandoned.
For the first minute of the video, it was simply a still frame of the corridor. There was no sound nor movement.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): It was boring and I decided to stop watching it.
At approximately 1:13 of the video, I noticed a slow but definite movement at the very end of the corridor. The had
Dorkpool: The what? Explain, story!
AGrim: Would it kill this detective to proof-read?
Dorkpool: Well, considering what happens to him, yeah.
a human stance but walked very unusually, most noticeably with it's head pointed straight at the ground. The creature accelerated steadily as the video progressed, eventually breaking into a full run. The creature ran head first into the camera, knocking it over.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And hurting itself.
Simultaneously, I heard a very loud bang at the door. There was only one, and it sounded like someone had just run into the door.
AGrim: (Creature): “Ow, my head! Why did I think that would be a good idea?”
I jumped up and grabbed the bat again, when I heard my computer make an error sound. The computer then bluescreened
Dorkpool: By the Preservers’ pants, the blue screen of death! I didn’t realize that this story would be scary!
at that point, saying it shut down for safety reasons. The screen then proceeded to make note of the fact that an unknown hacker had been obtaining information about my whereabouts. My antivirus program ran a trace of the hacker's IP address, and came back with a city in Northern Wales; specifically, the hack had been made from an abandoned mental asylum.
Then the power went out. At this point, I became extremely intimidated. My eyes welled up with water
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …but I totally wasn’t crying.
as my breathing accelerated. I began to hear someone groaning in pain outside the door.
AGrim: Yeah, that whole “Let’s run into the door!” thing really wasn’t a good idea.
Dorkpool: Maybe it seemed like one at the time.
I knew it was a mistake to go look, but I decided to anyway.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …because I am a moron.
When I glanced through the peephole, there was nobody outside the door. I could still hear the groaning though. No way in hell was I opening that door.
I flew into a panic attack and immediately attempted to contact police; however, I simply got a busy tone on both the landline and my cell phone. I ran back up to my computer to see if I could hook it up to a generator to ask for help that way, when I noticed that the computer screen was still on. In giant red text upon a black screen, it read, "GO TO SLEEP".
Dorkpool: Once again, subtle.
AGrim: The main character is such an idiot, I bet he actually is going to go ahead and try to sleep.
A piercing scream then rang out. It sounded like someone was dying. I raced to the kitchen and drew two knives out of a drawer.
AGrim: You said that you weren’t going to open the door earlier. Did you just teleport down there?
This was real. This was actually happening.
Dorkpool: No it wasn’t.
The screams got louder and more desperate. Under the screams, I began to hear a faint but distinct hysterical laughter.
I ran about the house trying to figure out what was going on. I then heard a sobbing coming from a closet near my computer room. My skin ran cold as I grasped the doorknob. It was cold to the touch. I should have said something before opening the door, but I didn't have the common sense to do so. I whipped the door open to see a young girl, dead and bloody, crumpled in a heap in my closet.
Dorkpool: She died before she could come out of the closet. Shame. We would’ve accepted her the way she is.
Her stomach had been ripped open and her entrails pulled out. She was entirely naked and coated completely in blood. The wall suddenly was illuminated with a red light. I noticed that something was written in blood on the wall.
Dorkpool: “Your time is up”? Wait, no, wrong Jeff-related story.
"You should have heeded the warning. Time to go to sleep."
I whirled around and saw the figure in the video, head down and everything. I froze in fear. With one sudden movement, almost as if I was watching a video that had skipped a few frames, the figure twisted it's head and looked at me. Then everything went black.
AGrim: (Detective): “This sucks, but I don’t really want to rewrite it, so I guess this will do.”
Dorkpool: Probably the thinking behind most of the stories I Riff.
The victim's body was found in a similar state to that of the young girl in the closet. Despite numerous blood tests, we could not identify the girl. In fact, due to the lack of a missing person's report, the fact that no one came forward to claim her remains or to try to solve the case of the murder, and because no blood test matched anyone we tested, it seemed like the girl never really existed.
Dorkpool: -hums the Twilight Zone theme-
We have confirmed that the hacking came from the abandoned mental hospital; however, there is no explanation as to how this was timed so close together. We have issued an arrest warrant but no officer wants to enter the ruins in fear of his or her life.
Dorkpool: Yes, because the police are pussies. Of course.
AGrim: (Detective): All of them were immediately fired.
The only break we got was a witness sighting of an extremely unusual and frightening creature running into the hospital a few days later. From the witness' testimony, we noticed a shocking similarity between the face of the deranged mental hospital inhabitant and the following image, taken from a site filled with horror stories,
Dorkpool: I don’t think the Creepypasta Land Wiki or the Jeff the Killer Wiki are filled with horror stories.
AGrim: Yeah, because stories like “Le rose vs. the Epic Jeff the Killer” are clearly absolutely terrifying.
Dorkpool: Well, from a grammatical standpoint they are.
with the words "GO TO SLEEP" captioned above it.
Numerous murders like this have occurred since, and every single one of the victims has been noted to watch the video a few minutes before the homicide is committed. YouTube officials have tried to remove the video; however, every moderator that tries ends up getting brutally murdered. The case is still unsolved.
Detective's note 2:
After further researching the case, a few discoveries have been made.
Dorkpool: (Detective): First, I’m pregnant.
First, while I have been unable to find the source of the video, last minute accounts of the killer's victims have provided enough descriptive evidence to point to the image used as the background for the video.
Although this is a JPEG image and thus by nature is a still image, rumor has it that, if you stare into the picture long enough, the image begins to twist and contort. Continue staring, and you can see a creature beginning to run towards the camera.
Dorkpool: (Detective): If you still keep staring, then clearly you must be bored if you’re staring at a picture for that long.
AGrim: (Detective): I forgot to mention that everybody who had this result was on drugs.
No one has watched the image long enough to see the creature come close, but enough visual evidence is there to assume that it is the same person seen in the video. The image can be found below. View at your own risk, for your life may be at stake.
Dorkpool: I’d call bullshit, but he told me to leave him alone.
In addition, I have been searching for more information regarding the killer. To my horror, I have found a set of stories online regarding one "Jeff the Killer".
Dorkpool: (Detective): I should never have read it. It’s so bad that it hurts.
The stories dictate a serial killer who develops his psychopathic tendencies at the onset of his teenage years, eventually killing everybody in his immediate family.
The most shocking aspect of the story is that Jeff killed his victims in the same brutal way as seen with the Denbigh asylum killer, even going to the extent of both killers communicating "GO TO SLEEP" before murdering their victims.
Dorkpool: Far as I know, Jeff doesn’t strip his victims. Just saying.
AGrim: He is a teenager, so maybe he… yeah, let’s move on.
The most frightening aspect, however, is that the image provided for Jeff the Killer is the exact same as the image provided by witnesses for the Denbigh Asylum killer, leading investigators to believe that they are in fact the same person. For further reading, simply search "Jeff the Killer" online and read at your own risk.
Dorkpool: Risks include: anger, depression, regret, and destruction of whatever device you’re reading the story on.
The most terrifying fact of all, though, lies in my personal experience. After writing this report,
AGrim: (Detective): …that I’m currently writing.
I heard strange sounds throughout my home. Figuring it was nothing, I continued doing research on Jeff. The banging noises got louder and louder. I searched outside, thinking maybe a bird was injured. As I stepped to my door, however, I noticed movement in the window. I immediately attempted to phone police, but got a busy signal. Concerned, I put the phone down and looked toward the door, only to see Jeff staring directly at me with those cold, dead eyes and that horrific, disfigured face. His smile was the most eerie thing I have ever seen. I immediately pulled out my gun and began shooting. Jeff took off into the night.
I know I am in danger, so
Dorkpool: (Detective): …I’m going to keep writing this instead of trying to do something else.
AGrim: (Detective): Yeah, like actually doing work.
I have set up constant surveillance around my home to protect myself. I still see bright flashes of light and hear banging noises around my home, along with the rare but still horrifying laughter of which only a true psychotic serial killer can provide.
Dorkpool: Or a clown.
AGrim: Laughing Jack is technically both, so that is my guess.
I don't know how much longer it will be until we catch him, but, if he keeps making these mistakes, then we'll have a solid identity and an air-tight case. I feel we are on the brink of taking him in, for I keep hearing laughter and banging sounds that are escalating in volume, and I also am seeing an odd orb of light in the distance. I have radioed fellow police to the scene, but the radio has gone dead. The light is getting closer, and I have my gun ready. It's him. I can see his face.
Dorkpool: (Detective): Holy crap, it’s ugly.
AGrim: It is lovely to know that you are holding your gun and still writing this.
Dorkpool: (Detective): I’m just that talented.
Time tot mntoujiujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujujyhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj/
Dorkpool: That’s still better spelling and grammar than what was in “White the Killer.”
Hello everyone. My name is Jeff. I don't like that this story is being published, but oh well.
It's not like any of you could catch a demon of my caliber.
Dorkpool: Oh, shut up, you’re some whiny teenager, not a demon.
The detective is now dead. The journal is over. And it's quite hilarious, because, in viewing this document, I have logged every single one of your IP addresses and know exactly where you are. For example: One of you works at a Cousin's on Drexel boulevard, one of you lives in Burbank, one of you lives on East avenue, one of you goes to University and has a roommate named Becky, one of you is going to Iowa, one of you goes to is quite the whiz at the piano...
Dorkpool: What the hell was that last part?
AGrim: If this is how Jeff writes and talks, I think the quality of his stories is starting to make a lot more sense.
The list goes on and on.
I know where you work. I know your friends. Your family. Your loved ones. I know everything.
Dorkpool: (Jeff): I AM YOUR GOD NOW!
Soon, all of that will be taken from you. Upon reading this message from me, you should start hearing odd noises and feel a sense of fear and dysphoria wash over you. You will become anxious and frantic for no logical reason.
Dorkpool: (Jeff): Even if you’re a Vulcan.
AGrim: “No logical reason”? You just told us that you hacked all of our computers and are going to come and kill us. Is that not reason enough?
Dorkpool: But is it a logical reason?
The banging isn't the building you reside in. It's something else. Something quite sinister.
Dorkpool: The Sinister Six?
AGrim: Apparently Jeff found a way to clone himself and teleport anywhere on Earth.
Something that wants your blood. If I don't get you, I will get those you love and care about. You, the one shivering in your chair and has a girlfriend named Jessica with whom you live with... She's mine.
Dorkpool: Well, I’m safe.
You aren't safe. Heh. Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHHH!!!!
I think it's time for you to go to sleep. :)
Dorkpool: Yes, a smiley face. How scary.
AGrim: I just like the fact that he took the time to type out his laughter.
Dorkpool: It’s rather adorable.
I'll be in shortly.
Jeffrey the Killer.
P.S. Whomever is the one that's a junior at Kettle Moraine... You're cute. I'll take my time with you.
AGrim: (Jeff): P.S.S. It just occurred to me that since I’m not typing this in real time, I don’t actually have to publish this at all. Huh.
Dorkpool: (Jeff): I guess I’m a moron like that.
AGrim: Do I even have to explain why this story does not work?
Dorkpool: Probably not, but you should.
AGrim: Alright then. There are an incredible amount of plot holes and things that just make absolutely no sense. It already made no sense when the detective was describing how he thought the events played out, but once the story stopped, the holes just kept getting bigger.
Dorkpool: Also, here’s a question: Isn’t Jeff the Killer a kid? Why is he now able to find IP addresses and such? And what’s with the mental institution thing? And why is he basically able to teleport now?
AGrim: I guess it really doesn’t say how many years it has been since the original story, but that doesn’t mean that he can just teleport around.
Dorkpool: Well, he could, but it would require some explanation. A lot of explanation.
AGrim: The grammar had some errors, but I have seen much worse. I should also add that due to these plot holes and various other errors, the story just isn’t scary.
Dorkpool: It’s a story about Jeff the Killer. Of course it isn’t scary.
AGrim: True point. The mistakes distract from any tension the story tries to build. Would it have been good if the story had actually been scary? No idea.
AGrim: Since the story isn’t scary, it would need to have either very good writing or great characters to really make it pull through. This story doesn’t have either of those. I don’t care about the character in the beginning of the story, and the detective didn’t really do anything besides write about all the stupid decisions he has been making.
Dorkpool: The characters are really only there to push the plot (what little there is) forward. They aren’t really developed, and we don’t really know anything about them.
AGrim: Therefore, since we don’t know anything about them, we don’t care at all. On the other hand, I do give a little bit of credit for the story having a couple of interesting ideas (Jeff tracking the IP address of everyone who reads the story, while the story completely screws it up, is a weird idea they could have worked elsewhere). Also, this story isn’t ridiculously long, so that might be a positive (I guess).
Dorkpool: Trust me, it is a positive.
AGrim: In short, this sequel represents the original pretty well by being just another a terrible reading experience from the fans of Jeff. 2/10.
Dorkpool: Anyway, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Rifftique good? Would like to see another one some time in the future? Do you wish Jeff the Killer would kill me and/or AGrim? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
(Here's AGrim's version of this Rifftique, if you're curious: )