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Creepypasta Riffs: White the Killer

Dorkpool February 22, 2015 User blog:Dorkpool

Some people should not be allowed to write. These people should also not be allowed to read Creepypasta. But alas, some people who shouldn't write read it, and decide to write. And thus we get "White the Killer", a story that's probably takes the award for "Poorest Writing". Yeah, it has the worst writing out of any story I've Riffed. It's so bad that there are times when I have no idea what's going on. Let me prove it to you by Riffing this bitch.

Friends called me White, but I have never known why. Because you always shout, “White power!” Infact, my skin was not white and cadaverous, but it was gold and smooth. So you’re C-3PO? My eyes were dark, while my hair was brown, middle length and with a forelock. My age? More or less 14. And you’re probably going to be able to kill many people throughout this story with your bare hands through the power of bad writing. I was a sociable and solar girl, I lived quietly in one of houses of the district with my parents, my older sister and brother. Or at least...until that day... “The day the music died”.

It was a sunny Saturday and I had programmed a day to spend with my friends. How does one program days? I was stretching my body in the bed, when I saw that I was late. So I woke up and I prepared fast, wearing first clothes that I had in my hand. After few time I went out of my house wearing black shoes and collant, shorts and a grey vest. And those are probably the clothes you’re going to be wearing during and after some weird accident. I ran until get the crossing of two streets There is so much wrong with the first part of this sentence. near my house, where I met my two best friends:Emily and...Jack. Why are there so many Jacks in Creepypasta stories? Eyeless Jack, Laughing Jack, now this schmuck. The first one was a shy and friendly person, with short and black hair, while the other one...was a dark and gloomy boy, but we agreed between us, he had two wonderful eyes, these were blue and deep. –cough- Love interest turned enemy –cough- In that day he wore a pair of jeans and, to change, a black sweatshirt with a hood. A hoodie? -Sorry! I am late!-I said panting. Two things. First, use contractions. Second, use quotation marks. -I was thinking that you'd never come- admitted sarcastically Jack. Please, never write again. -Come on, let's go, I am nervous to begin our day!- Nervous? Nervous about what? Emily urged, so we started to walk. We spended The word you’re looking for is spent. the morning in the city, buying in cool shops and watching a movie at the cinema. We had lunch while we were walking;suddenly Emily exclaimed:-I have an idea! Recently a new torture museum Torture museum Seriously? I literally just laughed after reading that. Who suggests going there? has been opened, in it there are lots of machines and so on, I'd like to go there!-I felt a strange statement by its That made absolutely no sense., so I asked to her laughing:-What? Jack has influenced you with this gruesome things?- Oh, burn.-Come on, stop it!-Emily replied annoyed.-Come on follow me!-. At the last I surrendered and left her to make we go to that sad place, but exciting at the same time. Did you translate this story from some other language? Because would make a surprising amount of sense.

Just entered we saw an huge guillotine. I noticed a small creepy smile on Jack face that made me fill little uncomfortable Yes, you were filled up a little bit with uncomfortable., but I did not give him too much importance. Just like I don’t give this story much importance. We continued the route of museum for a lot of time, How much time? A lot. observing fast and effective or tortures capable to causing slow and dying deaths. “Dying deaths?” Now I’ve got "I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL YOU TO DEATH!" in my head. Jack began to agitate in fron of them and I did not like it. Damn you, Jack, with your weird agitation. Suddenly a loudpeaker issued a woman's voice that advised the closing of the museum and she said that we all had to go out from the museum in a time of ten minuts. Oh, now we have an exact measurement for time: ten minuts. How long is a minut, exactly? I urged my friends to be fast Gotta go fast! You’re too slow!, but Jack was careful to contemplate those horrible instruments while Emily was writing something about the machines. She was writing down their names so she could buy them from eBay. They said me to start to go out from that place and that in fewtime they would come out. How long is fewtime?

Almost were four minutes after closing and the sky was already dark. The museum was enormous and I was nervous, and while I was looking for someone who worked in the museum I got lost by the rooms, like it was a labyrinth. I called my friends but I did not obtain any reply. YOU MUST OBTAIN A REPLY TO COMPLETE THE MISSION! Absolute silence. Is it? Well, keep it that way and shut up. Suddenly the lights of museum turned off and I remained into the darkness, The lights will flicker on and off, and they’ll be nobody there. listening the closing of the doors of the structure. My heart started to pulse fast and luckily I had a good night view that made me did not banging against the windows. What? At the same time I saw a dark and tall shadow Dark and Tall Shadows, starring Barnabas and Slender Man. passing in front of the window, with irregular steps. I remained stationary for few time How long is a few time? Seriously, the time table of this story is weird., but suddenly I heard a scream. -Emily!!!-I exlaimed, running. I arrived in a small room, where filtrated few moonlight through the window. First I saw Jack with a long knife extracted from somewhere. He pulled it out of his ass. He had raised the hood to hide himself. Than I rotated the look Rotated the look? and what I saw was horrible...Emily's body on a torture machine, completaly demaged and dripping blood, and above all with a hole in the rib cage, where there was the heart, in that moment desappeared. Well, that’s what she gets for going to a torture museum. Also, I feel like a torture museum would have an age requirement of some sort. However, a Google search did not show any age requirements for a torture museum, so I can’t quite call shenanigans.

I retreated and fell on the ground for the fear. “I did it for the fear!” I crossed with the look of Jack, and his mouth were dirty by the blood ...he had eaten my friend's heart. Um, ew. He jumped on me with the knife, whispering:-Now tell me, my dear, who is the macabre one?-. His grip was firm, but suddenly my fear became detrstation What? and anger ...for the first time I felt strangely, the heart began to pulse irregularly and a negative energy invaded my body. With a new force I fended against him and I attacked him, observing his beautiful eyes...that had to be mine. Let me guess, he becomes Eyeless Jack. So, stealing his knife I pull him out his eyes, making him shout like a hell Which hell? You just said a hell., and them I stabbed him at one leg, but with a punch he made me leave his knife. Remaining there was useless, so I crashed a window and I fell out the museum without too much demages. I saw again that tall thing Let me guess: Slender Man put one of his arm through the crashed window and I continued to run to arrive at home. The door wan not open, so I broke an other window to go into my house. Inside was dark. I called my parents but the place was strangely deserted. By that time I was ready to everything, rather pure adrenaline and charge interminable invaded my body. What? This makes no sense. I went in the kitchen because I was hungry, but when I opened the fridge I found only some livers, a heart, kidneys and too much blood, it smeared everything. Sheesh, her parents suck at cooking. I covered my mouth with the hand to not shout, when I saw a paper fall from the fridge:"Dear White, thanks for the amazing you fill alone, right? No problem, now i'll keep company to you...signed by Eyeless Jack". On the one hand, I was right. On the other, this is stupid. Especially when one really thinks about it. So this kid got his eyes ripped out, and then is able to go to the home of some girl named White, kill her parents, and write a note that’s legible, all without having any eyes. I call shenanigans.

The paper trembled in my hands, how could he put it there if he was all the day with me? And who was phone? I noted something on the windowsill. A big white hand clinged securely. I took a big knife and I cutted it. The being to which it belonged emited something similar to a otherworldly thing...the same grimace that a monster does when it eats an human Wait, what? This story really makes little sense....I backed but I slammed against someone...when I turned I saw Jack, or better, Eyeless Jack. He wanted his eyes, but I did not want leave them. Are you serious? Your psychotic friend who killed your other friend wants his eyes back, and has clearly been able to kill people without them, and you’re not going to give them to him? I put them in front of his face, whispering:-Do you want them,uh?-. He has no eyes, so he has no idea what you’re talking about. He wore a blue mask too. Why? We bagan to stab the other one, I was liberating this negative energy...which looked without end...suddenly he blocked me against a wall and he began to incise to me the face Incise you to the face? What the fuck?...he drew a cutted smile Of course. Because it’s not a Jeff the Killer wannabe story without someone getting a smile carved onto their face. on my face and from it lots of blood was expelled and he incised to me the profile of my eyes, prolonging it. The pain was atrocious and the blood and tears mixed between them. With a nudge I dismissed him and I ran on the upper floor shouting. I entered in the bathroom and I closed well it door. Haven’t you ever heard of closing the well it door?

In few time I saw myself at the mirror to see how I was after all those battles. The clothes were tattered and blood soaker and some strands of my hair were dirty. Just some? My eyes were bloodshot and they were not dark like before, but the irises had become red Any particular reason why? face was stained with tears of blood, but the most different thing was the glance:the pupils were become smaller...I was become mad. “I was become Mad, destroyer of grammar.” I put the knife at the belt and I did something that made me be lethal. I took a rasp and I milled my teeth, which bacame all pointed. So you used a knife to make your teeth pointed? That’s stupid. I opened the door of the bathroom and I bited Jack, was a wonderful feeling Yes, cannibalism is definitely a wonderful feeling...he made me go in the lowest floor with his knife and he followed me, bumping objects for the blindness. We continued to fight in the kitchen until the moment when entered the tall being who I saw after and the being who I cutted the hand:he was Slenderman. Why is Slender Man here? We stopped the fight and Jack was covered buy a black substance The symbiote? while I observed him and then I fainted.

I woke up and it was early morning. I was on a bed made with leaves, with my knife at the belt. I was in a wood. Slenderman stole us. And no one wants you back. I watched all around me and I discovered that I was not alone. There were other guys with me, guys who had my same fate. I wore a strange mask, like other guys. Strange? Masks are awesome! I got up slowly, trying to understand the situacion. I’m still trying to understand something: your writing. I had become a proxy. Because…? For some week I worked for Slenderman with other boys, killing and murdering. I met new people too, for example a nice but strange guy named Toby, that first fell in love with me, but I did not care. That’s mean. You broke the stuttering guy’s heart. I wanted escape. Basically my thought while reading this story. One morning I took off the mask and I ran through the wood. AND I RA-AN, I RAN SO FAR AWA-AY! Suddenly, during the sprint I bumped against an other guy who had my same idea. His skin was white, his hair were black and long, his eyes were light blue and his smile was bloody. We were both killer, so we began to fight until the moment when we decided to stop to not do too much noise. That was completely stupid and useless. We spended a lot of time together so I discovered that the guy's name was Jeff. Ugggggggh. First I was not friendly with him, but I waited few Jeff and I are friends and we often kill together and look for a girl called Jane to murder her. Wait, why? Jeff does kind of like Jane. It’s Jane that hates Jeff. Now I am a famous killer No you’re not. known with the name "White The Killer". Roll credits! Eyeless Jack continues to follow and looking for me to get his eyes, which now I use like earrings I'm pretty sure those eyes would decompose or something, or at least start to smell bad, which makes being a stealthy killer harder. and Slenderman and his proxies are looking for me to made me enter again in his team........... but it is not the end.... Yes, it is.

...AND REMEMBER, JACK:I'LL FIND YOU BEFORE YOU COULD FIND ME.... Well, you have eyes, so you probably will.

What the actual fuck did I just read? Was this person high when they wrote this? This is some of the worst writing I have ever seen in my life. (And considering what I've Riffed, that's saying something.) The writer tried to interject words in the story to try and sound smart, even though the author clearly didn't really know the meaning of the words.

The story, or what I could understand of it, is a joke, with things happening for no reason (White being a proxy, Jack going murderous cannibal, Jeff the Killer being there) and things that should have a bit of attention drawn to them glanced over. The characters aren't developed, and are thrown in and out for no reason. I would call this story a joke, but that would be too nice. Jokes usually give someone some form of enjoyment. No, this story is worse than a joke. Hell, it's worse than stupid. It's idioQIpstupia. Yeah, it's so bad it forced me to make up a new word.

So, what do you all think? Could you understand the story? Was the Riff any good? Do you wish...I really can't think of anything negative one might wish for me that could be based off this story. Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

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