"Zorax is coming." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who is Zorax? Why is Slender Man warning me about him? And who was phone?
Well, I'm probably not going to find the answers today. I did find one mention of the name "Zorax", and it was in a Star Trek book called Web of the Romulans. (I have over 100 Star Trek books. I'm not joking here) That's kind of fitting, considering the pasta I'm reviewing now, "Webbed Street." Unfortunately, it doesn't give me any clues about who this "Zorax" is. But it should give you guys a few good jokes.
Spiders. Unlike most people, I find them... interesting. I prefer Spider-Man, to be honest. I live in a quiet neighborhood, filled with odd, yet also quiet people. Just call me Jeff Oh no, not another Jeff the Killer story!, the nickname everyone calls me. I don't want anyone looking me up on google and finding something embarassing to blackmail me with. Jeff the Spider Lover apparently has a sex tape. Nearby my neighborhood, there are a bunch of Condos. I used to live there when I was younger, but it certainally hasn't aged well. Kind of like William Shatner. Most of the condo's are abandoned, and only people who are broke or even homeless live there. I often walk by them to get to In'n'out every once in a while, its a long walk however. Then why do you do it? But enough about all of this crap, let me just talk about, well, my story. You mean this wasn’t your story? What was the point of that last paragraph then?
One Saturday afternoon, about a couple months ago, I was walking past these condos, next to the fence that has small spikes on the top of each one. “I was considering throwing my enemies on top of them.” After a couple minutes, I noticed that some of them were broken off. Forcefully, actually. Like, something just sliced them off with ease. They were forcefully broken off with ease? quite a few spider webs littered these non-spiked fences, and soon, there were no spikes on them at all. Yeah, Spider-Ock was kind of nuts, to be honest. Im surprised I never noticed this, but there were millons of spiders. Ranging from common ones to rather dangerous ones, such as black widows. Wait, Scarlett Johannson is there? I must go! I was amazed by this, actually. Ha! Amazed, spiders, amazing Spider-Man…am I seriously the only one who finds that funny? Most people would have grabbed a lighter and lit the bastards on fire Um, no they wouldn’t. Pyromaniacs, sure, but not normal people. They’d just run away., but I just looked in awe. The condo's around here were completely abandoned, and probabaly had a million spiders in each one. I continued walking, until I noticed a pile of spikes in some sort of white, silky bag. When I bent down to study it, a spider about the size of my damn palm skittered out of it and hissed at me like an upset cat. I had no idea spiders can hiss. I stepped back. "What the fuck..." I mumbled to myself, as I walked around it. “What the fuck” is a phrase I use often while writing these Riffs, along with, "Do you have a spell check?" and "You can not seriously have thought this was good in any way, shape, or form."
After that, I decided to call this, well, 'street' Webbed street. Roll credits! I visited it often, and I even bought crickets from the pet store every now and then to feed the spiders. “I planned to make them like me, turn them into a supreme fighting force, then take over the world with my spider army!” I stayed away from that damn huge one, though. Pfft. Pussy. After a week or two doing this, I decided to explore the condos. Hey, might as well see if I could find some cool stuff. And possibly your death. I walked in through a very rusty, unlocked door, and began to explore. And what do you know, fucking spiders everywhere. Not just any spiders, but fucking spiders. Even the pool Is it a…Deadpool? Or a Dorkpool?, like a blanket, was littered with dead plants, and spider webs. Hey, Spider-man needs a place to crash too. After going in and out of a couple of spider ridden condos, I didn't have any luck finding anything, other than broken TV's, lamps, and mirrors. The Jackal threw his Spider-Clone parties in those condos. Before I gave up, I noticed a condo that... was actually clean. The cleaning lady’s just gotten started. No dead leaves on it, repainted, but still had a million spider webs on it. Maybe this condo was taken? Letting curiousity kill the cat and you, most likely, I knocked on the door. It slowly creaked open. Clichéd much? "Hello? Anyone around?" No reply Well, that’s because Anyone isn’t here right now. He’s with Nobody. They’re both making jokes about cyclopses. I shrugged and walked in, looking around. Looked pretty dirty like the others, but it smelled horrible in there. Spider farts. Maybe this was just one of the newest ones built back then. I took out my phone to use as a flashlight and looked around. Potato chip bags littered the place.
"Jeez, some fatty must of lived here." That’s a rude thing to say. My voice echoed throughout the room, as I headed towards the bedroom, I saw a HUGE spiderweb, and a large clump of silk in it. Like, the size of a human body. Like, OMG, that spider web is, like, the size of human body. I’ve gotta, like, update my Twitter with this. #GiantSpiderWeb #BadCreepypasta. I picked up a plank on the ground and poked at it. I gave a manly scream "a manly scream?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's...that's perfect. It's like the no homo of screaming as it slowly ripped open, revealing a ripcage, Ripcage #1, new from Image Comics! (Trademark 1993) and a skull hit the ground with a sickening 'CLACK'. Another victim of the Skeleton War. When shall the War end? How many lives must be lost? I immedatey got the fuck out of there... or at least tried to. The door was covered and forced shut with silk, very strong too. I thought spiders needed at least an hour to make webs. Well, you called Spider-Man fat. That’s what you get.
The ground suddenly began to shake, and I turned around and screamed. A huge ass spider Not just any spider, but a huge ass spider, bigger than me (Im 5'9, by the way.) We call that a NOPE Spider. It towered over me, as its single, red eye stared directly into my soul. KNEEL BEFORE THE NOPE SPIDER, LET ITS EYE STARE INTO YOUR SOUL. I suddenly heard a distgusting, gurgling chuckle, as I pointed my phone to its back, my face went pale. It was... a kid. Spider-Kid! He was disgustingly fat, with pale blue skin. A fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid. I couldn't see his eyes, because his pale blonde hair was covering it. He was wearing a black tie, with a suit that had marroon and black stripes. Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid. My back pressed agaisnt the wall, as a disturbingly wide smile covered his face. Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid is actually Jeff the Killer. Or the Joker.
"Hi. Im Pokey. iM JUST A MEEK LITTLE BOY..." JUST A CITY SPIDER. BORN AND RAISED IN WEB DETROIT. HE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT NOPE TRAIN GOING ANYWHERE!
He pushed a lever, and tried to impale me with one of the Spider-mech's legs. Spider-mech? I thought it was Slender-Fat-Na’Vi-Spider-Kid. Make up your mind. I quickly moved out of the way, and took a picture of the fucker. That picture did not make it into the story, so there was no point in writing that sentence. The kid gave an inhuman snarl The kid is part spider. Of course his snarl is inhuman! and tried again, and I quickly grabbed a broken chair and threw it at him. It had no effect. I guess it’s because of your chair-able aim! Heh? Heh? Yeah…sorry… Fuck. I ran towards the silk covered door, as I was slapped to the side with one of the legs. Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid just wants a friend. A friend who will never leave. A cut formed on my stomach as it bled, as I held back tears. Manly tears, of course. I was going to die here. The boy cackled and tried to tear into me, but I held my stomach and ran out of the way. Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid has crappy reflexes. Spider-Man has the reflexes of a spider, and can dodge bullets. This giant creature is part spider, but can’t hit a wounded target. I began to head towards the door again. One of the Mech's legs smashed the door open, as I ran out. Thank god he didn't chase after me. "When will senpai return?" thought Slender-Fat-Na'vi-Spider-Kid." I called 911 imedately and fainted. Why do people in bad Creepypastas faint? Jane did, now this schmuck did. I found myself at a hospital. I was asked what happened. No fucking way was I telling them a crazy story, and my phone was broken. Broken phones/cameras don’t stop the people doing those Slender Man ARGs. So I told them some drunk hobo had a knife and attacked. “What did this drunk hobo look like?” “A giant spider creature. Fuck, I mean, a stereotypical hobo.”
Im scared. Im shaking as Im typing this. “Im unable to use apostrophes.” He's watching me. ALWAYS WATCHING, ONE EYE. I keep all of my doors locked, and I bought a guard dog. But I'll never be safe from that fat fuck. Wow, way to be rude to Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid.
So, that was "Webbed Street", and, compared to some of the other pastas I've Riffed, it isn't that bad. Is it good? Hell no. But at least I could sort of understand what was going on, unlike a few other pastas. Still, it's crap. Web crap. Also, whatever happened to Slender-Fat-Na'vi-Spider-Kid? And can we make him a meme?
Hey, I got an email. It's from firstname.lastname@example.org Huh. Subtle. It says, "You know who Zorax is. Remember him." So I know who this Zorax is supposed to be, eh? Well, maybe a trip down memory lane might help me figure out who this guy is, and where and why he's coming.
So, what do you guys think? Do you know who Zorax is? Do think my Riff was funny? Do you wish Slender-Fat-Na'vi-Spider-Kid would kill me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.