You know, I've been doing these Riffs for a tad bit of time. You'd think that I would've Riffed a "theory" pasta before now. Well, you thought wrong, because this is the first "theory" pasta I'm Riffing, and it's about "Ultimate Spider-Man" (the cartoon, not the comic).

Now, I really don't watch "Ultimate Spider-Man." I've seen some episodes, and wasn't very impressed. Why? Well, from what I know, in this show, Spider-Man leads a team of other superheroes and works for SHIELD. And it seems oriented to younger children. Which is weird, considering they had an episode with Deadpool (one of the few I've seen, and was kind of annoyed by. Whoever they hired to voice Deadpool needs to be shot because his voice was annoying as hell), who is a character that is definitely not for younger kids. Anyway, I personally don't like the show because it doesn't feel like a Spider-Man show. He's supposed to be a teenager that the audience relates to, and he usually works alone. But whatever. The point is, I'm not a big fan of that show, but someone did a "theory" pasta around it. And since I like Spider-Man, I figured I might as well Riff it. So, let's feel guilty about most everything, and Riff this bitch!

Many know of the new Ultimate Spider-man cartoon. Many have their own opinions of it.

For example, I don’t like it very much.

I personally like the show. I did notice how their Peter Parker was different from other peters in other spider-man shows and I found out why.

Because he’s leading a team of superheroes and works for/with SHIELD? I think “Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends” did something similar, but that’s about it.

I visited New York to see my cousin who was still in high school who gave me a small tour of the school. I noticed a memorial next to the door to the library.

The memorial had a picture of a boy and some flowers around it. When I asked my cousin about it, he said that they kept that memorial there to remind the students to be understanding towards eachother

(Narrator): …which the students completely ignore.

and that the boy’s name was Peter. I looked up more on the boy with my cousin and discovered the sad tale behind it.

Peter was in this school back in the 90’s. He seemed happy most of the time but in reality, he was miserable. His parents often neglected him and fought about everything.

(Mother): I need to use the bathroom.

(Father): No you don’t, you liar!

His home life was a living hell and he would often runoff to visit hs aunt who lived nearby. His aunt was a kind and decent woman but he never really told her about the fights her sister had with her husband or his sad school life.

Peter had no real friends. He was shy and socially awkward. He escaped into the comicbooks he collected though,

Wait, wait, wait. He liked comics, and he’s in the 90s? Well, now I know why he’s so miserable! He’s reading 90s comics!

along with a lot of other types of books. Peter was a very smart boy and many of the teachers liked him. A lot of his fellow students however bullied him for being a “teacher’s pet”. The bullying and harrassment at school became worse and worse as Peter’s sanity started slipping. Peter, having no real friends, created his own.

(Narrator): How, you ask? Well, Peter liked experimenting with peoples’ brains.

He would often hallucinate and talk to or about these imaginary friends who he based off of the superheroes in the comics he read. This sent chills down my back as it reminded me of how Peter Parker in the show would often break the forth wall or have a moment where he would imagine something or someone.

Seriously, the “Ultimate Spider-Man” writers seem to confuse Spider-Man and Deadpool.

One day, the bullies at the school locked Peter into the library at school and he was left there for the whole weekend. When the weekend was over, they found that he had hanged himself. He was there for so long that there were spider webs around his body.

I don’t think spider webs form around corpses in just two days.

In a note he wrote before he decided to take his own life, it explained his home life and all his pain….it also said that his imaginary friends told him that the only way to escape it all was to kill himself.

Someone who works on the show today had a relative that went to the same school at the time.

(Narrator): Who, you ask? Shut up, and don’t ask questions.

I think that when they heard of this tragic tale, they wanted to, in a way, give this boy the life he wanted. In the show, Peter has a loving aunt that he could live with and real friends that cared about him.

Yeah, but he’s Peter Parker. So that’s not a good life for him.

They wanted this poor boy’s soul to have some closure of some kind.

I think that Peter is now finally…happy.

Not if he’s Peter Parker! Should I list his various woes? Because I can.


This theory is kind of interesting, but I think it's bullshit. I don't think this kid had any impact on "Ultimate Spider-Man" (if he even existed). Also, the spelling and grammar is not very good. Granted, it could've been worse - they could've forgotten to hyphenate Spider-Man (yeah, Spider-Man is spelled with a hyphen, ok? Remember that, or I'll make you sure you do) - but they still misspell a lot of words. All in all, this isn't very good, but it's not the worst.

So, what do you guys think? Is the story good? Is the Riff good? Do you wish I'd be bullied and commit suicide? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.