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I had gotten a suggestion from BanningK1979 to do a Riff of one of his pastas, since he apparently likes the Riffs. This means that the Riffs are funny, or he has bad taste. I personally choose to believe the first one. Anyway, at his request, I went ahead and did a Riff on one of his pastas, "The Hate Us And They Want Us To Die", partly because of the description he had for it: "We love our pets, but do they love us? One man makes a fatal wish to find out just how our four-legged friends really feel about us." Upon reading that, I thought, "Yep, this is the one to Riff."
However, upon reading it, I realized that the pasta wasn't terrible. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad enough to be in the "Crappypasta" league with "Jeff the Killer" or "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?" among others. Also, this pasta is actually pretty funny, or at least, it is to me. Anyway, I wanted to say all that, and a big thank you to BanningK1979 for recommending some of his pastas and having a sense of humor about all of this, since quite a few people would have been pissed to have a pasta Riffed.
Now that I got my shout out out of the way (was my shout out shouted out of the way?), let's get on with the Riff.
Ever wonder what your pets are thinking? “I miss my genitals.” Ever wish you could talk to them, or have full on conversations? I did, then realized they probably wouldn’t shut up.
I did. That’s nice. Ever since I was a kid. I remember watching cartoons with all the cool talking animals, and I wanted to live in a world like that. A world where my animal companions could tell me about their lives, their day, every aspect of their being. Well, we have beings close to talking animals: furries.
I got what I wanted, and now I am going to kill myself, because knowing how they really feel about us, knowing what they really think of the human race, is far more terrible than anyone could ever imagine. I knew cats would one day take over the world!
It all started two weeks ago. I was just wandering around downtown late at night. “I somehow had not gotten mugged yet.” I had gotten off of work and didn't want to go right home. So I went out for a stroll. Seeing the life and people on the street always made me feel alive. “Until some mugger decides to stab me.”
Along the way I met a man. He looked homeless. He asked me for a few dollars. I opened my wallet, and the smallest bill I had was a $20. “And as it turned out, this homeless man was actually Slender Man. So, I gave him the $20 he wanted.” I was hesitant. Now, most of the street kids in my city have an act to go with their request. Some will sing, some will tell you a poem, some will tell your tarot cards. “Others do strip teases. We usually don’t give them money.” This man, apparently, would grant wishes. That's what he told me anyway. When he’s not talking about granting wished, this homeless guy is probably talking about the government being run by lizard people, satellites reading our minds, and that the moon is fake.
I thought, okay, what's the harm. The guy is clearly full of crap, but I was feeling generous, so I handed him the money. He smiled and asked me what I wanted as my wish. I thought it over, even though I knew this was all for fun, I figured I would go along with it. Thinking back to my earliest years, I conjured up the one request that I recalled the most often from my childhood. You, sir, are not very bright. I know you think this guy is full of crap (I feel the same way), but if you’re going to have a wish granted, go big or go home. Ask for an infinite amount of wishes or something. Sheesh.
"I want to be able to talk with animals. Not just talk to them, but actually talk with them. Understand their words and have them understand mine."
The homeless man simply smiled, clapped his hands once, and said, "Granted!"
He then walked away. Just like that. He was actually on his way to give the $20 to Slender Man.
I still felt good about myself though. I helped a guy eat for at least a night or two. Or he could, you know, buy drugs with that money or something. I went home. By the time I got to my front door, I had honestly forgotten about my wish.
I had two cats. That night, as I climbed into bed, I was introduced to terror on a new level, one that I will not be able to live with much longer. The terror of the litter box! Dun dun dunnnn!
I got into bed and as usual, my two cats jumped into the bed with me. I closed my eyes and started to drift, when I heard whispering. Not exactly a human whisper, but a sort of high pitched, demonic in a way, and directed towards me.
"He is still alive..."
"We can't kill him, he feeds us..."
"I hate him so much..."
"We both do... but remember, all of this is temporary..."
What’s funny is that I actually think cats talk like that. I knew I wasn’t insane! Isn’t that right, voices in my head? They say yes.
I sat bolt upright. I turned on the lights and started searching the house. Clearly I was imagining this. I lived alone, I knew I turned off the television. Those voices were right next to me... I honestly had no idea where they were coming from. The ghosts in his house are trolling him.
I looked everywhere, no radio or television was turned on. I tried to convince myself that I had started to drift off to sleep and that I imagined it all. I took a couple of sleep aids, turned on the television and slept on the couch.
The next day I went to work. As I was walking through the downtown park area, I heard a gruff, deep and purely evil voice.
"I want to bite off your fucking little face... I want to rip open your throat. I'll lick your ugly, hairless face for now, because soon enough it will be my teeth in your face." I looked in the direction of this horrible litany of threats, and saw a large German Shepard licking its owner's face. As it licked and panted, it continued to hurl fierce and angry threats at its owner. I don’t see how this is scary. This is actually funny as hell. I’d just laugh my ass off if that was what I was hearing.
I thought back to last night. I thought back to the wish. I thought about the two whispering voices in my bedroom. Could it be... could it be the animals? Considering the description of this pasta, yeah. From behind me, another whispering voice. "DIE... DIE you piece of shit! Die so I can eat you!" I had no idea cannibals were so pushy.
It was another dog, looking intently into the face of a homeless man. The homeless man had the dog on a rope leash. He was passed out, leaning against a building. His dog was standing just inches away from his face, all teeth.
I pushed through the work day. “I pulled through my break.” That night I got home. My cats were both sitting on the couch, looking at me.
Now, a couple of notes on how this all works. Animals still meow and bark, and those meows and barks do not translate to human words. Instead, when they talk, they just open their mouths, and this whisper just....breathes out of them.
My cats were staring at me, their eyes were very cold.
“Cat, I give you food and water and love. You shut the fuck up.”
I heard one of them say.
"I hate him..." You know who doesn’t hate him? That homeless guy. Actually, if this homeless guy can grant wishes, why not make himself rich or something? Can he only grant other peoples’ wishes? How does that work? I’m honestly curious. Replied the other.
"He will taste good..." “I can haz hooman noms?”
At that I locked myself in my room. Now, I know what you're thinking, Why is this a problem, since this is funny as hell? why wouldn't I go out there and talk to them, right? So not what I was thinking. Try and get to the bottom of their apparent dislike. Well, there was really no need for all that. When my wish was granted, I was certainly able to communicate with them. Their thoughts began to radiate off of them like waves of evil energy.
I listened to them as well. Part of me was afraid to let them know that I could hear them. If I did, they might make a move on me even faster, just to reduce the risk. Dude, they’re cats. Just take them to an animal shelter or something. (A note to everyone who don’t own homicidal housepets: don’t send them to the animal shelter. Get with a local foster organization. Animal shelters put down animals; fosters don’t.) What I have learned over the last couple of weeks is quite simple. The cats want cheeseburgers.
They all hate us. They see us as the selfish, destructive intruders of their domain. Well, we are. I also know that they have studied us every bit as hard as we have studied them over the years. I’m pretty sure cats don’t put pictures on the Internet of humans. Certain animals can even tell when people are going to die. These animals urge their humans to put them in their will. Almost like watching our auras dim as we get closer to death. They have allowed us to build and develop our cities over the centuries, because they also know when our species, the human race, will wipe itself out. That’s probably true. When that happens, they will claim our cities, our buildings and our homes as their own. That is a stupid plan. Even if their plan did work, and humanity did wipe itself out (theoretically, it would most likely be with nukes or global warming, which would kill everything on the planet), and even if the planet was left in a suitable condition for an animal takeover, I’m pretty sure they count on buildings and such to be left standing. If that’s the case, then that’s stupid because human buildings aren’t quite suitable for animals to use. Now, they could create their own buildings and society, but if they wiped out humanity, then animals would be back at square one, since most advances in technology are only for humans. Dogs and cats can’t use computers, or drive a car (ok, a few dogs can drive a car, but my point still stands). If that’s the plan for animal domination, that’s stupid.
Every day that we live a little longer, it is only because they have permitted us to, because they know that we aren't going to be around much longer, and in the meantime, we are leaving a nice place for them to nest for the rest of time. I feel like the animals aren’t going to let humanity wipe itself out. I think their plan is really to gain more power, then subjugate humanity and make them servants. That way, the animals will live a life of comfort while humans do all the work. Sure, it’s not the best plan, but it makes more sense than the plan that they supposedly have according to this story.
I know too much now. You must die. I know that they all hate us. Every animal I have overheard. Every dog on a leash is reciting how it wants to devour its owner. Every house cat contemplates the death of its caretaker. How is that a surprise to you? When they crawl into bed with us at night, it isn't to show us love, it is to contemplate our deaths. “Human, I will cut your throat while you sleep. Never again will I endure the indignity of a bunny suit.”
They outnumber us by millions. They can survive disease, even nuclear fallout. Not quite. I’m pretty sure cats and dogs can’t survive nuclear fallout. Unless you’re talking about cockroaches, in which case, that’s true, but you wouldn’t know that. You asked to hear the thoughts of animals, and talk a lot about cats and dogs. And as for diseases, that’s true, but there’s a whole bevy of animal diseases that can kill them. They are ruthless. Especially Grumpy Cat. Mercy is not taught in their upbringings. Eating their own poop is, however.
They hate us all... and they want us to die. Roll credits!
So that was my Riff of "They Hate Us And They Want Us To Die." And, honestly, like I said, it's not that bad. Sure, it's not scary, and at times it's kind of stupid (Seriously, the plan the animals have for world domination is just stupid.), but it's actually a fun read. And while there is a grammar error or two, (The whole "I heard one of them say." part) it's actually very well written. So, yeah. If this qualifies as a pasta I can Riff, then I recommend seeing some of BanningK1979's other pastas. Seriously. Do it or your animals will rise up and kill you.
Anyway, what do you folks think? Was the Riff funny? Was the pasta funny? Should my cats kill me? Leave your thoughts, and any recommendations for a Riff, in the comments below.