I don't like "Five Nights At Freddy's" very much. It's been beaten to death to me by some fans of the franchise who obsess over it to a rather disturbing degree. Personally, I think the game is alright, though why the guy never quits is beyond me (Seriously, if you're getting attacked by killed robots, and you survive, you should quit). But anyway, at this point, I don't like FNAF. However, since I've discovered during these Riffs that I must be a masochist, I decided to Riff a FNAF story. So, let's sit in a chair and do nothing, and Riff this bitch!

August 27, 1971

It was a clear morning on August 27th, 1971.

(Narrator): Until the Fire Nation attacked.

Robert Fazworth had just finalized the plans to the new restaurant he had envisioned:

(Narrator): FazDonalds.

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. He had been trying to think of a way he could make his restaurant appeal to the whole family, and be a place where both children and adults could have fun and spend some quality time together. He visited a museum one day, and saw an animatronic figure of Lincoln and it hit him.

(Narrator): The punch from the Lincoln animatronic got him sent to the hospital.

He would create a band of animatronic animals to appeal to the children, while adults would appreciate the classic tunes that the animatronics sang, not to mention the adult only beverages. He named the main animatronic, Freddy Fazbear, after his grandfather, Fredrick Fazworth. The names of the other animatronics were a little less creative: Chica the Chicken and Bonnie the Bunny. That didn’t matter, though. His dream of owning his own restaurant was finally coming true.

Screw creativity! He’s getting a restaurant!

October 1, 1971

Robert received a call from the technician, and was informed that the creation of the animatronics would be a lot more expensive than they first had calculated. Robert had requested very sophisticated AI for his machines; he wanted nothing less than the best. Still, he asked if there was anything they could do to lower the price at all. They informed him that they had been working on some experimental AI, and if he was willing to participate in this project, it would be a lot cheaper than the normal AI he had requested.

Really? Wouldn’t the experimental stuff cost more?

Too blinded by his grand vision, he accepted without asking any further questions.

October 6, 1971

The technicians worked day and night on the project.

(Narrator): They took off during the afternoon though, the lazy bastards.

They had already been working on seeing how the human brain works with mechanical nerves, and trying to find out a way to keep the mechanical body from rejecting the brain. Mr. Fazworth’s request just gave them a way to test out the new machines in public, and see how they react to the world around them. After months of research, they discovered a way to insert a human brain into the skull of an endoskeleton, and connect it to the nerves of the endoskeleton so that it can have complete control over the body. With this method, if the brain is preserved soon enough after death, a deceased person could be brought back to life.

And they would end up being animatronics. Yeah, I’d prefer death to having to deal with screaming children, thank you very much.

They placed a switch on the endoskeleton for safety purposes. If it’s pressed, the “free will” is switched off,

Wait, wait, wait. They can turn off free will? Um, I’m sure the military or someone would like to know how that works. I mean, the CIA had the whole MKULTRA thing in order to perfect mind control. I think they might take an interest.

and a rudimentary AI takes over the body. After all the kinks had been worked out, four models were shipped to Mr. Fazworth.

October 20, 1971

Robert was ecstatic when he received the shipment of robotic endoskeletons; the suits he had had custom made for them had actually just arrived the day before. When he unpacked them, he was a little perplexed when he saw that he had actually received one more than he had asked them for. “Well, with the cost of these things, I SHOULD get four…” He thought to himself, and quickly thought of a new animatronic to supplement the original band he had made. He brainstormed many ideas, but finally settled on one:

(Narrator): A mouse named Chuck E. Cheese.

Foxy the Pirate. When kids were done listening to the band, they could join Foxy on his wacky misadventures in Pirate Cove.

Not to be confused with Candle Cove.

He drew up the design, and placed the order for the last batch of animatronic suits.

November 9, 1971

The suit for Foxy had finally arrived, and Robert and his employees eagerly unpacked it. Mr. Fazworth had just finished setting up most of the restaurant for public opening in January, but Pirate Cove was still under construction. They took Foxy to the backstage area, and got to work into attaching the animatronic suits onto the endoskeletons. All of the costumes had openings on the back for the emergency “off” switch. After everything had been set up, Robert decided to turn them on (except Foxy) to test them out.

Because screw Foxy! (Note: Anyone who wants to screw Foxy, please don’t.)

The animatronics moved their heads around, looking at the scenery around them. They looked at each other, then at the people in front of them, then their hands. At this point, they began acting more erratically, twitching. Bonnie asked in a surprisingly human sounding voice “What has happened to me? What have you done?”

(Bonnie): Why do I look like a robotic furry?

Assuming this was a prank by the manufacturer, Robert angrily switched off all of the animatronics and made a call to the technicians who had created the endoskeletons. They told him it was the sophisticated AI they were using, and that he could use another switch on the skeleton to set them to only use pre-recorded voices. The only alternative was to send them to the manufacturer and have them remove this feature. Being nearly in debt because of the restaurant,

His dream of opening a restaurant got him into debt! Dreams do come true…and fuck up your life.

Robert just turns off the “Free talking” feature of the animatronics and calls it a day. He wasn’t going to let something like a minor defect ruin his dream.

January 6, 1972/Opening Day

Opening day had finally arrived, and Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria was packed with customers. Everyone brought their kids to see the band, while they all ate pizza as a family.

(Narrator): Well, “ate” is too strong of a word. More like “took one bite, then went to the bathroom to vomit.”

Robert had his employees tinker with the animatronics for the past few months, and he finally got them to a state that was presentable to the public. He had them loaded with pre-spoken lines and songs for them to sing, and was overjoyed at the reception his restaurant was receiving. He was a success. Pirate Cove was filled with kids playing with Foxy on his pirate ship. He had been the hardest animatronic to get working correctly, but everything was going according to plan.

June 25, 1985

Robert Fazworth dies, leaving the restaurant to his son, Jeremy Fazworth. Having no interest in it, he quickly sells it to Funtime Inc, who offers him $1,000,000 for the place. After this point, the standards in the establishment are lowered.

That sentence perfectly describes the Creepypasta Land Wiki.

The robots are set to free roam so that the management doesn’t have to deal with their servos locking up, the place generally gets cleaned less, and less reputable people are hired for lower wages.

October 2, 1985

Five children are lured backstage in the restaurant and are never seen again. Police arrested a man believed to be the suspect. In reality, the Freddy animatronic, in free will mode, lured the children backstage and brutally murdered them. He stuffed their bodies into the extra animatronic suits laying around, for revenge for making him live like this.

Yes, get revenge on the children who had no impact on your life and current situation. Logic!

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria declined in popularity after this, no one wanting to bring their children there in fear of what might happen.

May 18, 1987

The district manager of Funtime Inc. was visiting the establishment to see how everything was going, and to see if any profits were being made since the incident of ’85. As he passed Pirate Cove, Foxy lashed out and bit the man’s head, tearing out his frontal lobe.

Where will you be when lobotomies happen?

Foxy was quickly tackled and turned off, but after this event, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria would never truly recover. Funtime Inc. wanted nothing to do with the place after this incident, putting it up for auction, selling it for a measly $10,000 to a man named Jonathon Hugo. Instead of repairing Foxy, he just put up a curtain in Pirate’s Cove with an “Out of Order” sign in front. To keep such a thing from ever happening again, he made sure to set the animatronics to only free roam at night.

Why not just get rid of the animatronics?

Fearing that they may try to leave at night and hurt people, however, he began hiring security guards for minimum wage to watch the place at night to use as bait.

Really? Minimum wage? Come on, you're using them as live bait. At least pay them a bit more than minimum wage.

April 28, 1990

Chica calls into disrepair and is discontinued. Strangely enough, a few months after one of the security guards mysteriously vanished, Chica appeared to be repaired and in completely working order, joining the band once more. Foxy, however, had still been left behind the curtain, never to see the light of day again.

(Narrator): Foxy would stay there and plan his revenge.

Jonathon Hugo tries to find another buyer for the establishment, having not even been able to turn on a profit on his investment, but is unable to find one.

December 17, 1992

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria is condemned and shut down after Jonathon Hugo is sued by former security guard Mike Schmidt, who claimed he spent a week locking himself in the security office while the animatronics tried to get in to kill him.

(Narrator): Mike Schmidt hired Phoenix Wright to defend him.

These claims were at first seen as preposterous, but after the numerous complaints about the place, it did prompt a thorough police investigation. They found the decayed human corpses inside numerous suits, including one on the stage. After dismantling the endoskeletons, they found human brains in them as well.

(Narrator): However, Spock’s brain is still missing.

The children’s remains were given to their families, while the unidentified remains where given a proper rest in unmarked graves on the outside of town. Jonathon Hugo was ruined by this, and was sentenced to life in prison, while Funtime Inc. had already become defunct a year before because of the loss of reputation they had received because of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. The building is left abandoned, and some say the souls of those who were trapped in the robotic bodies still haunt the grounds.

(Narrator): Others say that Slender Man walks around the building, annoyed that Five Nights At Freddy’s stole the thunder from Slender.


This story...doesn't really suck. This person did try and explain the FNAF timeline, and did an alright job. That being said, there's still some stupid, most notably the ability to TURN OFF FREE WILL not at all catching the CIA's attention or something. Like I said, MKULTRA was a thing. But all in all, this isn't that bad.

So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I'd end up as a brain in an animatronic suit? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.