Yeah, it's Friday and I'm Riffing. Why? I don't know. But, anyway, I decided to review a Creepypasta that actually kind of scares me: "Squidward's Suicide." Now, when I say it actually kind of scares me, I'm talking about that picture of Squidward. You know the one I'm talking about, with the bleeding eyes. Creepy as hell. Anyway, the best way I find to get over fear is comedy and exposure. So, let's get the comedy out of the way, and Riff this bitch.

I just want to start off by saying if you want an answer at the end, prepare to be disappointed. Damn. Well, this pasta has already ended up disappointing me. That’s a new record. There just isn't one.

I was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios for a year in 2005 for my degree in animation. It wasn't paid of course, most internships aren't, but it did have some perks beyond education. Sexual trysts in the animator studios? To adults it might not seem like a big one, but most kids at the time would go crazy over it.

Now, since I worked directly with the editors and animators, I got to view the new episodes days before they aired. “Naturally, I posted them online and spoiled it for everyone.” I'll get right to it without giving too many unnecessary details. They had very recently made the SpongeBob movie and the entire staff was somewhat sapped of creativity so it took them longer to start up the season. But the delay lasted longer for more upsetting reasons. "The break room ran out of coffee." There was a problem with the series 4 premiere that set everyone and everything back for several months. “It had weird subliminal messages that told people to kill their families and that Nickelodeon was better than Disney.”

Me and two other interns were in the editing room along with the lead animators and sound editors for the final cut. We received the copy that was supposed to be "Fear of a Krabby Patty" and gathered around the screen to watch. Now, given that it isn't final yet animators often put up a mock title card, sort of an inside joke for us, with phony, often times lewd titles, such as "How sex doesn't work" instead of "Rock-a-bye-Bivalve" when SpongeBob and Patrick adopt a sea scallop. Do I want to know what title card you had for “The Krusty Krab Training Video”? Nothing particularly funny but work related chuckles. So when we saw the title card "Squidward's Suicide" we didn't think it more than a morbid joke. It’s not a very funny joke, to be honest.

One of the interns did a small throat laugh at it. What the hell is a throat laugh? The happy-go-lucky music plays as is normal. The story began with Squidward practicing his clarinet, hitting a few sour notes like normal. We hear SpongeBob laughing outside and Squidward stops, yelling at him to keep it down as he has a concert that night and needs to practice. So he sucks at playing clarinet, but has a concert? Ah, SpongeBob, your show is so logical. SpongeBob says okay and goes to see Sandy with Patrick. “This leads to a very weird threeway.” The bubbles splash screen comes up and we see the ending of Squidward's concert. This is when things began to seem off. “Squidward got a standing ovation, which is very new.”

While playing, a few frames repeat themselves, but the sound doesn't (at this point sound is synced up with animation, so, yes, that's not common “Ok, so don’t call bullshit on this! This is totally not a plot hole!”) but when he stops playing, the sound finishes as if the skip never happened. There is slight murmuring in the crowd before they begin to boo him. Not normal cartoon booing that is common in the show, but you could very clearly hear malice in it. “You suck!” “Bring back the hot chick!” “Your mother smells of elderberries!” Squidward's in full frame and looks visibly afraid. The shot goes to the crowd, with SpongeBob in center frame, and he too is booing, very much unlike him. It was at that point that Squidward regretted playing Justin Bieber for the crowd. That isn't the oddest thing, though. What is odd is everyone had hyper realistic eyes. Quite a few people have complained about this, saying it gives this story a “Sonic.exe” feel. As I haven’t read that, I can’t say. I will say, however, that I Googled “hyper realistic” for the hell of it, and the word “Creepypasta” was there as a related search. Good job, Creepypasta writers! Very detailed. Clearly not shots of real people's eyes, but something a bit more real than CGI. I can’t believe it’s not CGI! The pupils were red. Damn it, Satan, stop fucking up SpongeBob. Some of us looked at each other, obviously confused, but since we weren't the writers, we didn't question its appeal to children yet. Yep, hyper realistic Satan eyes totally won’t creep out children.

The shot goes to Squidward sitting on the edge of his bed, looking very forlorn. The view out of his porthole window is of a night sky so it isn't very long after the concert. Or it could be the next night. The unsettling part is at this point there is no sound. Literally no sound. Not even the feedback from the speakers in the room. It's as if the speakers were turned off, though their status showed them working perfectly. Slender Man, stop trolling the SpongeBob animators. He just sat there, blinking, in this silence for about 30 seconds, then he started to sob softly. “I should never have read 50 Shades of Grey.” Squidward said between sobs. He put his hands (tentacles Should I make the hentai joke?) over his eyes and cried quietly for a full minute more, all the while a sound in the background very slowly growing from nothing to barely audible. It sounded like a slight breeze through a forest. Huh. Guess Slender Man did have something to do with this.

The screen slowly begins to zoom in on his face. By slow I mean it's only noticeable if you look at shots 10 seconds apart side by side. “I know. I counted.” His sobbing gets louder, more full of hurt and anger. The screen then twitches a bit, as if it twists in on itself, for a split second then back to normal. The wind-through-the-trees sound gets slowly louder and more severe, as if a storm is brewing somewhere. A storm is brewing…a squid is depressed. This summer, prepare for death. Squidward’s Suicide: The Movie! (Bet it won’t be as weird as the second SpongeBob movie) The eerie part is this sound, and Squidward's sobbing, sounded real, as if the sound wasn't coming from the speakers but as if the speakers were holes the sound was coming through from the other side. As good as sound as the studio likes to have, they don't purchase the equipment to be that good to produce sound of that quality. No, they do, they’re just trolling you.

Below the sound of the wind and sobbing, very faint, something sounded like laughing. So the Joker and Slender Man are working together to fuck up this episode? It came at odd intervals and never lasted more than a second so you had a hard time pinning it (we watched this show twice, so pardon me if things sound too specific but I've had time to think about them Why did you watch this twice?). After 30 seconds of this, the screen blurred and twitched violently and something flashed over the screen, as if a single frame was replaced. The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a bikini? It was a still photo of a dead child. He couldn't have been more than 6. The face was mangled and bloodied, one eye dangling over his upturned face, popped. He was naked down to his underwear, his stomach crudely cut open and his entrails laying beside him. He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road. The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer. THAT’S the unsettling part? Not the horribly murdered child? There was no crime tape, no evidence tags or markers, and the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence. It would seem the photographer was the person responsible for the child's death. We were of course mortified, but pressed on, hoping that it was just a sick joke. As a comedian of sorts, I can tell you right now that that’s not funny.

The screen flipped back to Squidward, still sobbing, louder than before, and half body in frame. There was now what appeard to be blood running down his face from his eyes. So THAT’S where the picture that haunts my nightmares came from. Huh. The blood was also done in a hyper realistic style, looking as if you touched it you'd get blood on your fingers. The wind sounded now as if it were that of a gale blowing through the forest; there were even snapping sounds of branches. Who recorded this and why? The laughing, a deep baritone, lasting at longer intervals and coming more frequently. After about 20 seconds, the screen again twisted and showed a single frame photo. “This time it was of unicorns and rainbows, and everything ended up peachy.”

The editor was reluctant to go back, we all were, but he knew he had to. No, he doesn’t. Call the cops or something. This time the photo was that of what appeared to be a little girl, no older than the first child. She was laying on her stomach, her barrettes in a pool of blood next to her. Her left eye was too popped out and popped Popped out and popped? What?, naked except for underpants. Her entrails were piled on top of her above another crude cut along her back. Again the body was on the street and the photographer's shadow was visible, very similar in size and shape to the first. I had to choke back vomit and one intern, the only female in the room, ran out. Because women are all so dainty and quaint and can’t handle this sort of thing. The show resumed.

About 5 seconds after this second photo played, Squidward went silent, as did all sound, like it was when this scene started. He put his tentacles down and his eyes were now done in hyper realism like the others were in the beginning of this episode. They were bleeding, bloodshot, and pulsating. He just stared at the screen, as if watching the viewer. Please don’t. That’s kind of creepy. After about 10 seconds, he started sobbing, this time not covering his eyes. The sound was piercing and loud, and most fear inducing of all is his sobbing was mixed with screams. –sob- AAAAAAAHHHHH! –sob- AHHHHHHHHH!

Tears and blood were dripping down his face at a heavy rate. The wind sound came back, and so did the deep voiced laughing, and this time the still photo lasted for a good 5 frames. And you’re going to be a dumbass and look at it again.

The animator was able to stop it on the 4th and backed up. This time the photo was of a boy, about the same age, but this time the scene was different. The entrails were just being pulled out from a stomach wound by a large hand, the right eye popped and dangling, blood trickling down it. Ewwwww. The animator proceeded. It was hard to believe, but the next one was different but we couldn't tell what. He went on to the next, same thing. He want back NOPE. NO ONE WANTS THIS to the first and played them quicker and I lost it. I vomited on the floor, Ewww the animating and sound editors gasping at the screen. The 5 frames were not as if they were 5 different photos, they were played out as if they were frames from a video. We saw the hand slowly lift out the guts, we saw the kid's eyes focus on it, we even saw two frames of the kid beginning to blink. Ok, here’s a question: why does this child killer have a thing about pulling out eyes? Is this the guy who killed Eyeless Jack in that really bad Spinpasta I Riffed?

The lead sound editor told us to stop, he had to call in the creator to see this. THE CREATOR MUST SEE THIS ABOMINATION. Mr. Hillenburg arrived within about 15 minutes. Took long enough. He was confused as to why he was called down there, so the editor just continued the episode. Once the few frames were shown, all screaming, all sound again stopped. Squidward was just staring at the viewer, full frame of the face, for about 3 seconds. The shot quickly panned out and that deep voice said "DO IT" Just do it. Actually, don’t. Please, for love of all that’s good and decent, don’t. and we see in Squidward's hands a shotgun. There are shotguns in Bikini Bottom? He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Remember, kids: if you have hyper realistic eyes, don’t boo a squid at a clarinet concert. That is not a sentence I ever thought I would have to write. Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him, and his bed, and he flies back with the force. The Force was strong with this one. The last 5 seconds of this episode show his body on the bed, on his side, one eye dangling on what's left of his head above the floor, staring blankly at it. Then the episode ends. Seriously, what’s with the eye thing?

Mr. Hillenburg is obviously angry at this. I’d be disgusted or disturbed, but sure, angry works. He demanded to know what the heck was going on. Didn’t you read the first sentence? There are no answers. Most people left the room at this point, so it was just a handful of us to watch it again. And you were there because…? You were disturbed by it. Don’t fucking stay. Viewing the episode twice only served to imprint the entirety of it in my mind and cause me horrible nightmares. I'm sorry I stayed. That’s what you get for being a dumbass.

The only theory we could think of was the file was edited by someone in the chain from the drawing studio to here. The CTO was called in to analyze when it happened. The analysis of the file did show it was edited over by new material. However, the timestamp of it was a mere 24 seconds before we began viewing it. Oh, so it’s the Flash who’s screwing with these people. Barry Allen, you deserved to die. All equipment involved was examined for foreign software and hardware as well as glitches, as if the time stamp may have glitched and showed the wrong time, but everything checked out fine. We don't know what happened and to this day nobody does. I call shenanigans.

There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it. No child seen was identified and no clues were gathered from the data involved nor physical clues in the photos. Really? No parent said, “Hey, my kid went missing, what the fuck?” Or are these street kids that no one cares about? Eh, whatever, this is almost over. I never believed in unexplainable phenomena before, but now that I have something happen and can't prove anything about it beyond anecdotal evidence, I think twice about things. You should’ve thought twice about rewatching that episode.

This pasta was...surprisingly good. Yeah. Despite one or two spelling errors, it was actually a creepy story. Sure, maybe the fact that the page with the story had that creepy ass picture had something to do with it, but this story was still pretty creepy. Also, very nauseating. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go vomit.

What did you think? Was this pasta good? Bad? Do you wish I would commit suicide? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.