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Welcome back to Creepypasta Riffs, the little segment where I pretend I'm as funny as someone like Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo), Bill Corbett (Crow T. Robot), or Joel Whatshisface. Anyway, last time I riffed one of the most hated Creepypastas ever to be creepy or to pasta, "Jeff the Killer." Today, I'm riffing one that makes a ton of sense after doing "Jeff the Killer": "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?"
You may be wondering, "Dorkpool, why are you doing this story that no one has ever heard of? Is it even a Creepypasta? And why not do "Jane the Killer?"" First, save your questions for the comments after you've finished reading. And regarding "Jane the Killer", I'm not doing her because she's fictional, and I've learned not to stick my dick in crazy. Oh, wait, you meant the story. Well, I'm planning to do that one, but I felt like doing a Spider-Man-based story first because, well, as anyone who has been following my blog knows, I have an unhealthy obsession with Spider-Man.
Anyway, today's story actually, like "Jeff the Killer", isn't on the Creepypasta Wiki anymore. I actually got it on Deviantart, of all places. (By "got", I mean "copied from and pasted into Microsoft Word." Basically, I copy pastas into Microsoft Word, write my smartass comments there, paste it here, then re-italicize everything.) That being said, I originally found the story on the Creepypasta Wiki, so I consider it fair game.
Now, a bit of background on today's story for anyone who doesn't know jack shit about Spider-Man: This story is quite clearly in response to a very unpopular Spider-Man story, "One More Day", in which Peter Parker and Mary Jane sold their marriage to Marvel's version of Satan in exchange for Aunt May being allowed to live. She was shot, and apparently no one in the fucking Marvel universe knows how to fix a simple bullet wound. And people wonder why this story was unpopular. This story was actually the idea of Joe Quesada, Marvel's editor in chief, who felt that a married Peter Parker made him less relatable to the readers, and that there were certain stories that could only be told with a single Peter. Anyway, the fans were pissed at this story.
Enough background and self-depreciating comments. It's time for what you're here for: bad jokes and commentary! (Note: Quite a few jokes are references to Spider-Man stories or the Spider-Man mythos.)
I'm a bit of a spider-man fan. You’re such a Spider-Man fan that you don’t capitalize his name of the character. I enjoy the cartoons, movies and comics...well, the earlier comics. I hate what the newer comics seem to do to Peter Parker. Such as erasing his marriage, Hey, blame Satan. Or Joe Quesada. Well, same thing. killing him multiple times, Killing him multiple times? Listen, I’m a Spider-Man fan, and I know that the only time he was ‘killed’ was during the Superior Spider-Man story arc, but even then we had Ghost Peter Parker running around for a while. ruining his character and so on. I like the comics where Peter's happy and having fun while crime fighting, still having bad things happen to him but overcoming it and being positive, that's why I like the older comics. Boy, you must absolutely despise Amazing Fantasy #15.
Last week, I found a spider-man comic in the mail. It was wrapped up in brown paper and addressed to me. It didn't say who it was from but I was just happy to be getting a free comic. I can’t blame you. I quickly ran up to my room and ripped off the brown paper. The cover was white except for a red spider-man symbol and the title in red lettering: "Spider-man: Are You Happy Now?". This was a variant cover.
I opened the comic and the first page was Peter Parker in his spider-man costume but no mask. He was staring at me with a hateful look in his eyes. In his text bubble it said:
"They all seem to like watching me be ruined. They all like to watch me in pain. YOU like to watch me in pain too, don't you?” Not especially. I personally like watching you be a smartass, but that’s just me.
I couldn't help but wonder who he was talking to. Who were "they"? Who was "you"? Who was phone? I flipped the page. The picture was the same as before except Peter was raising his hand up to his face and he had a smile on his face. His smile made me uneasy for some reason, I don't know why though. Oh no, it’s Jeff the Killer in disguise! Run! He said:
"Well, I'll put on a nice show for you then." “Yeah, I’ll put on a sexy Spider-strip-tease. Maybe do a bit of a strut. Everyone loves the Spider-Strut.”
The next page was a close-up of his hand over his right eye. I turned the page and...I nearly vomited. It was an extremely detailed picture of Peter shoving his fingers into his eye socket and slowly pulling out his own eye. You could see the anguish on his face as the muscles connecting the eyeball stretched and started to snap. He was screaming in pain and tears were running down his undamaged eye. The next page showed the muscle completely snapping and the eye socket now empty. The reaction of most Spider-Man fans to the Clone Saga.
I wanted to put the book down but my hands, almost as though moving by themselves, continued and flipped to the next page. You mean the plot was moving your hands, right? Peter was staring back at me with blood dripping out his now empty eye-socket and hate in his remaining eye. He was panting and said:
"Oh? Was that not enough for you? You want more, you fucking sadist?" “Because I sure do! Yeah, I’m a masochist! At least, I am in some alternate timeline. I’m kind of a leftover from Spider-Verse.”
tears were streaming down my face. You can tell he’s sad because he didn’t capitalize anything in that last sentence. In a quiet whisper I said "no.". The next page, Peter's psychotic smile returned. He took out a knife and said:
"Okay, I'll give you what you want."
My hands flipped to the next page and the image was yet another sickening one. With the knife, he stabbed himself in the arm and began twisting the blade over and over again. He then dropped the knife and began ripping the skin off of the upper portion of his arm where he stabbed himself. The image of him pulling his skin and costume off his arm was also very detailed. You could see a painful, tear-filled expression on his face while he did it. The next page was him, still standing there, glaring at me and a large portion of skin off of his arm, revealing bloody and damaged muscle. This was the reaction of most fans to One More Day. He said:
"This seems to be what my so-called "fans" want. I can never be happy again. I can never be married...I can never have fun...I must suffer for YOUR entertainment. Are you happy now? Well!?" Um, Peter, I know you’re pissed about One More Day – trust me, we all are – but you’ve got it all wrong. No fans were asking for you to be unmarried, especially via deals with the devil. Be pissed at Joe Quesada. It was his idea. And that all being said, directly after One More Day, you were tonguing some random chick at a club. Oh, poor baby.
Was Peter talking about how the recent comics have treated him!? Did he think that his fans were the ones that wanted that to happen to him? Because that’s totally wrong. It’s Joe Quesada’s fault. Still crying I just said "Please...please stop hurting yourself, Peter." I flipped the page and Peter was now screaming at me:
"Why not!? Isn't this what you wanted!? ANSWER ME!" “No, Peter, I wanted to watch you fulfill your inner fantasies and become a stripper. Haven’t you read my fan fictions?”
My eyes widened, Peter could actually hear me!? Bitch he might. I gulped and said "No it isn't...your...your fans don't want this to happen to you. We never wanted you to suffer. We keep reading because...because we want to see how you'll overcome it." I wiped my tears and turned the page. Peter was standing there, dumbstruck as if he was amazed at what I just said. Shia surprise! In his talk bubble, he said:
"Is that true? You don't enjoy watching me hurt?"
I nodded, holding back fresh tears. The next page was Peter smiling and then walking away. His talk bubble only saying:
I closed the book and the cover was now blank. Clearly, he had lost his mind. I flipped through the pages again but all of them were blank now. It's now only a book of blank white pages. I don't know where that book came from or why it was sent to me. I sometimes wonder if it really happened or if I just lost my sanity for the moment. Nope, you’re totally nuts. You’re fucking insane. Have fun at Ravencroft, buddy.
Now, I see the kind of pain that Peter Parker truly goes through. I hope that maybe, me and all his other fans have given him the hope that he desperatly needs right now. Well, I certainly hope that you learn how to spell and capitalize.
So, what do you all think? Was it funny? Should I die? Am I subtly making a reference here? Let me know in the comments section.