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Creepypasta Riffs: Rae the Killer

Dorkpool February 14, 2015 User blog:Dorkpool

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It's that time again, the time you've all been waiting for and you all love. That's right, it's time for Creepypasta Riffs! What, did you think I was talking about Valentine's Day?

Actually, speaking of Valentine's Day, I decided to try and find bad pastas involving the shipping of Jeff the Killer, since he's the most shipped Creepypasta character I know. But the Jeff the Killer Wiki (yes, that's a thing. Trust me, I'm probably more disgusted by it than you, but it has its uses) doesn't really have those, or at least based on my first search. I'll check again, but to tide you all over, here's this gem: "Rae the Killer."

Now, this story is true, Didn’t we already go through this in “I Am Real”?I am saying it straight from my cold blooded heart. Wow, cold blooded heart. That’s dark and spooky. A young boy was out taking an evening walk down the street,when he heard me say "let's play tag". “The kid tried playing tag, but had an asthma attack.” I then jumped out of the bushes behind him and started running after him with my hands outstretched. “Swiggity swooty, I’m coming for that booty!”

One of my arms is mechanical, Lariska, is that you? and the other is normal but with really long fingernails. Girl, cut your nails. He started running as fast as he could toward his house which was only a couple houses away from where he was,I pinned to the ground You pinned what to the ground? only 2 houses away,he was able to look up just enough to find me crouching above him with my mechanical hand on his back, “and I said, ‘I’m going in dry.’”

"damn is this girl strong" he said as he looked into my eyes. If it were me, I’d probably say something like, “Holy crap, a cyborg just tackled me.” My eyes of are very strange, They is of very strange as almost as if they belong to an animal,a cat like animal! So, a cat. "That's not nice to say to a lady you know"I said to him. He commented on your enhanced strength. He didn’t call you fat or anything. "W-what do you plan to do with me"he asked, “I need to know if you’re a bad enough dude to save the president.” "I'm gonna eat you and then feed your bones to my pet"I said. I don’t think animals eat bones. Also, a cannibalistic cyborg serial killer. How does one so terribly screw up such an awesome idea? "oh,and by the way,my name is Rae,Rae the killer if you want to call me the whole thing..." Because that’s useful to know once you’re going to be killed and eaten. "oh,ok "Rae" well if you don't hurt m-me I w-will get you any-anything you want even people to kill!How dose that sound?" It sounds illiterate. He said,"trying to escape is gonna be harder than he thought!"I said in my head, That’s called thinking. I doubt it’s something you do very often though.

"Well...ok,I guess I can let you live...for now"I said with a slight grin on my face. “I’m not really hungry right now anyway.” He noticed that my mouth was split in two,my normal mouth,and then a slight carve of a smile on my cheek. Why does every Jeff OC have a smile cut into their face? That’s less scary, and more unoriginal than anything. "I'm sorry is something wrong with the way I look?"I asked in discussed You asked in discussed? That makes absolutely no sense. Unless you meant disgust. because I knew what he was going to say, “You really need to get that acne taken care of.”

"um,no,no!there isn't anything wrong, bitch,you look as creepy as you can be" So he goes from “You look totally fine” to “You look creepy, bitch”. Logical. Unless the writer forgot a quotation mark. Also, this guy is a moron. He’s insulting the cyborg serial killer with a smile craved into her face who threatened to eat you. he said with pride,"oh!how dare you!"at that moment I slapped him across the face with my robot hand leaving big gash marks across his cheek, Why not just, I don’t know, kill him and eat him? I still think about it today. “It really turns me on.” "I'm leaving asshole,keep your word about bringing me people"I said to him as I got up and dropped him from my grasp. How will he find you if he has someone? Hell, how does he contact you? And how can you trust him? He literally just insulted you."Yes I will Rae,I will",he said with fright in his voice, He’s prideful when he’s calling a cyborg cannibal serial killer a bitch, but scared when he’s telling that same being that he’ll hold up his end of the bargain? Ugh. "good,because if you don't,it will be YOUR grave I will be dancing on" CAN YOU HEAR MY LAUGHING WHILE I’M DANCING ON YOUR GRAVE? I’M GLAD YOU’RE DEAD! I replied.he then scurried away like a mouse running away from a cat. I’m tempted to call him a pussy, but he’s running away like a mouse. "I'll be watching,ALWAYS watching". You’re not Slender Man, so don't even try.

That was "Rae the Killer", and, well, this could have been awesome, to be honest. I mean, a cyborg cannibal serial killer could be an epic combination of awesome and scary. Instead, it ends up being really stupid and badly written. Screw you, writer, for messing up such a glorious idea.

i'LL BE THERE SOON.

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