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THIS...IS...CREEPYPASTA RIFFS! -Jeopardy theme plays-
Alright, now that we have the obvious reference out of the way, let's start the intro. I kind of like Jeopardy! I don't watch the show very often anymore, but sometimes it does come on, and it's fun to occassionally watch the contestants struggle with superhero based categories. Anyway, someone decided to make a lost episode Creepypasta based on the show. So, let's answer stuff in the form of questions, and Riff this bitch!
Y’know, I was always a fan of jeopardy. But there’s a secret episode of Jeopardy you’ve probably never heard of. What is made up bullshit? Many people don’t know that Alex Trebek is part of the free masons, a group that secretly controls the United States. Wait, I thought the Illuminati did. I was able to get my hands on the tape because I worked at the studio where Jeopardy aired in the 90’s. It’s a VHS that’s been sitting on my mantle for the better half of the decade. It just sits there, staring. Taunting me, in its way. You just randomly have a tape? Why? I finally found a working VHS player at a garage sale, so I dusted the old VHS off, pulled it out of its ancient slipcase and popped 'MR2 Jeopardy?', with a question mark, Yes, we can tell. into my ancient VHS player.
When I was a kid, I liked Jeopardy because Alex Trebek reminded me of my late grandfather. “My late grandfather hosted a game show.” But in this episode, Alex Trebek seemed a little bit more nervous. Part of his mustache was missing, Well, he started shaving and decided to stop. his eyes were beady and he was visibly shaking. If anything, I could say the man was disheveled. Little did I know just how disheveled he was. I heard the familiar Jeopardy theme play, but it was an octave lower than usual. There was something fuzzy in the background. It looked like a visual artifact that usually gets cut out in post production. Let’s see, disturbed main character, mildly screwed up theme. Alright, when are we getting the word “hyper-realistic”?
Anyway, it didn’t matter. I kept watching as Alex Trebek greeted everyone. As Susan, the first contestant, started to talk about herself, Alex abruptly said "That’s nice." Basically what I do when people start talking about Twilight. And immediately cut to the categories. "The categories are: 'Things that Rhyme with Watch' Botch, like this story is doing to the lost episode genre, 'A Certain Hairy Figure', Chewbacca? 'Don’t Give Me No Sass', 'Potent Potables', and 'The North American Ape.'" Strange list of categories, I thought. Eh, I’m sure there have been stranger. But I pressed on out of sheer morbid curiosity.
"Steve, you’re up first." There was nobody in the group named Steve. “Sorry, I meant Herobrine.” "Allen, sorry, I’m a little blind." The camera cut back to Alex Trebek. One of his eyes was closed and it looked like it had been squirted with lemon juice of some sort. Lemon juice…ummm, ok.
"I’ll take 'Things that Rhyme with Watch' for $200, Alex."
"You don’t have to say my name." Alex replied, in a rather terse manner. “Alex is my father, call me Mr. Trebek.” Something was off about Mr. Trebek. “It’s hairy, and It rhymes with watch.” Your crotch? There was no answer. Then, someone buzzed in late.
“What is the North American Sasquatch?”
Alex Trebek started to scream! He realized that the only thing he’ll ever be known for is Jeopardy! And those commercials. He screamed as though he was covered in spiders, though there were no visible spiders on his body. How does it sound when one screams like they’re covered in spiders? He leered behind the set. "C-correct. Sean... your turn."
"D- don’t give me no sass for $200."
Alex paused. "It lives in the forest and eats babies.” Slender Man? There was just a long pause.
"W- what is the north American Sasquatch?"
Alex jumped as though he was going to pop. "... Very good. You’re up."
"Don’t give me no sass for $400." The camera turned and there was clearly no live studio audience. ... What the hell was going on in this episode? Bad writing?
"It’s angry, hairy, and it lives in the woods." The angry spirit of Bambi’s mom?
The man buzzed in and sighed. "It’s the Sasquatch again... isn’t it, Alex?"
"Remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question." He corrected Sean. That was a question.
Sean sighed. "WHAT IS THE NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH!?", he hollered. Sean isn’t putting up with your bullshit, Alex.
Each contestant buzzed in, and the answer was always the same: "What is the North American Sasquatch?" It became disturbing after a full ten minutes of this. It seems like it would be more boring than anything.
Finally, Alex Trebek seemed to pop. Pop goes the Alex! "WHO IS THE NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH!?" ... Hmm, they phrased it with 'who' instead of 'what'. No, really? All of a sudden, Alex Trebek started to scream violently. "WHO?", he screamed. "WHO!?" Doctor?. He immediately ripped his shirt, off as a popping noise occurred. Alex Trebek’s body burst apart like bloody confetti, “and a skeleton popped out!” as a hairy creature jumped out! It was the Sasquatch! The Sasquatch chased the entire group around the studio audience, clawing at and killing them by slashing their jugulars. I’m sure there’s a skeleton reading this and thinking, “Popping out is my thing. Bastard.”
I think this story was supposed to be a joke. I mean, it does make sense. The ending is basically "And a skeleton popped out!" The story itself isn't very good, but it's not the worst. Hell, "not very good, but not the worst" best describes this story. Or at least the grammar. There's not much to say about this, except the question/answer to the category "Bad Lost Episode Stories": "What is 'Jeopardy! Lost Episode'?"
So, what do you guys think? Was this story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I would've made more Jeopardy! jokes? Do you wish a Sasquatch would've popped out of me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below