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Creepypasta Riffs: Jeff the Killer

Dorkpool January 31, 2015 User blog:Dorkpool

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We all love Mystery Science Theater 3000; who doesn't? Well, maybe those who haven't seen it. To those people, let me explain: Basically, three people watch some crappy movie, and make jokes though it. It's fun to watch, and very funny. The people who worked on MST3K also do that with newer movies in something called RiffTrax. Anyway, the point is, I'm doing something similar here, but with bad Creepypastas. Today, my first (and possibly last, depending on time, response, and whether or not it's taken down) is on both one of the worst and one of the most well-known Creepypastas. That's right, it's everyone's favorite Joker wannabe, Jeff the Killer. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? (Note: The parts in italics are my comments.)

Excerpt from a local Newspaper:

NO ONE READS NEWSPAPERS ANYMORE.

OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE.

LESS OMINOUS WELL-KNOWN KILLER IS AT SMALL.

After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story.

"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. What little kid talks like this? Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. “Which is weird, since Slender Man is presently screwing with teenagers who use video cameras too much.” I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. It’s Shia LeBouf! There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; “they were supersized!” they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. “I’m considered kind of a pussy by my friends.” That's when I saw his mouth. “His tongue was sticking out”. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. “Literally, “It.” This guys just stalks pops in my bedroom, makes me pee my pants, and says, “It.” Douche.” A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak. “In Klingon!”

"He said, 'Go To Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. Jeff wanted to throw a surprise party for the kid, but fucked it up royally. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the police.

"They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. Either this kid lives right next to a police, which makes Jeff an idiot since he’s trying to kill someone who lives near a police station, or the police get to places pretty fast. Considering how fucked up and unrealistic the justice system is in this story, I’m not sure which is more plausible. The man turned and ran down the hallway. AND JEFF RAAAA-AAAN, HE RAN SO FAR AWAAAA-AY! I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."

Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.

Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His collection of knives, however, did not come with him. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. You know, with those rich douchebags. Totally a great place to raise a kid. Jeff and his brother Liu Wait, Liu? What the fuck kind of name is Liu? And how do you even pronounce that? Lew? Lie-ew? couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? The ghost that’s haunting said house. As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by. "Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard. Billy does not like new people. Billy likes being alone. Billy also likes to cut off people’s faces and wear them as masks. But we’re not focusing on Billy. Unfortunately. "Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." “Liu?” asked Barbara. “What the fuck were you smoking when you came up with that name?" They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. Because it’s not like you need to introduce your kids beforehand before bringing them to some random birthday party. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.

"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid." Keep telling yourself that. "Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final. Besides it’s not like circumstances will cause you to become a psychotic Joker-wannabe. " Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Indigestion. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.

The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. Where will you be when constipation strikes? This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. This kid is called a douche. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"

The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears Ok, whoever is writing this needs to learn how to use tenses. a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans. Yep. Douche. All he need is a highlighter yellow hoodie, and he’s set. "Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." The douche said, snapping his fingers and being cliché. Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny Not just your average skinny, but SUPER SKINNY! and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. Keith always considered himself the main character, actually. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. Wow, the narrator likes fat shaming. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling. His main attack: sitting on his enemies.

"And I," said the first kid, "am Randy. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." The small price, as it turned out, was a short musical number. Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. “Damn,” Jeff thought. “If only my knife collection had come with me.”

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." Can this guy get any more cliché? The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. Where will you be when acid reflux strikes? He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid. Jeff would later regret this action. "Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.

"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. Pop goes the no-ose! As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. Because teenagers can do that sort of thing. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. “Well,” Jeff thought. “I can start a new knife collection.” Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. Jeff, apparently, is the Flash. He threw Randy to the ground. JEFF SMASH PUNY CLICHÉ DOUCHE! Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. Because a guy described as a tub of lard’s main weakness is getting punched in the stomach. As he fell, he puked all over. Ewwww. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff. Jeff, meanwhile, was realizing how powerful he was, and thinking about how he could use his new-found abilities to take over the world.

"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. “Because I’m your god now. Kneel before me, and my new knife collection!” Jeff responded. They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing. Because self defense isn’t an argument they could use. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. It was a poorly written Creepypasta. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. Jeff was going mad with power. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. Ok, apparently Jeff had become Pharell Williams. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." “Yeah, it was a lovely day. I beat up some cliché bullies, realized how powerful I was, and am now going mad with power.” Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. Sheldon Cooper just wouldn’t leave him alone. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.

"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" “Yes, son, stabbed! Oh, the horror! Not stabbing!” Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true. "Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu."

"Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" That you should have asked the kids more, and maybe asked the witnessed about the victims. Seriously, I’m some schmuck on the Internet who writes blog posts with multiple spelling errors, but even I know a bit more about how the legal system works. Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu. Um, yes he could. He could say he fled because he was scared, for one thing. Also, self-defense is a completely legitimate excuse for beating the crap out of people, or even killing them. Hell, you don’t even have to act in self-defense to use that excuse. Ask George Zimmerman.

"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.

"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod. "Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..."

"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. “The bastard took that from my new knife collection.” Jeff thought. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.

"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.

"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.

"No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face.

"Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." Wow, what heart-wrenching dialogue. Liu really seems emotional about his sacrifice. What emotion. The police led Liu out to the patrol car. "Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders. Ok, I’m pretty sure they also would have brought Jeff in, at least for questioning. And I’m sure they could say that they did do those things, but that they were acting in self-defense. In fact, they could say that they were being robbed at knife point. I’m pretty sure they would find out that the knife had Randy’s fingerprints on them. Also, I’m sure that if they interviewed the parents of the three bullies, they might have found out that Randy had a knife. Seriously, all this heart break and terrible writing is unnecessary.

"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop." “In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a bad mother.” Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. TENSES. LEARN TO USE THEM. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong.

"Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. Yep, they just threw him in jail. Screw courts and the legal system! Fuck the law! No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. Oh, and masturbatory fantasies involving Jane. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.

"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room. "What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake. "Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake. "Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after..." There was a long pause.

"Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." You know your mother sucks if… Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party? That’s a good question. It’s not some executive party. It’s just some little brat’s birthday party.

"Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom. "Better than wearing too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he pays for this…” His mother thought.

"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. The impression they’re making: that they’re rich snobs. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.

"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs. “Just a collection of bikinis and bras!”

"Just pick out something." called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.

"You're wearing that?" they both said. “Well, it was this or nothing. Then again, I’m sure the fangirls would love me wearing nothing…” Jeff responded.

His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed. Moral of story: rich people are weird. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.

"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara. Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. No, Toys R Us has Legos and action figures. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat. “Put these on, and no one gets hurt.” The kid said.

"Hey. Wanna pway?" he said. "Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face. "Pwease?" said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred. Yep, he and his cronies can totally skateboard, even after Randy got his wrist broken. Seriously, everyone says Jeff is OP? These kids have Deadpool-level regeneration powers.

"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to JDC." Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today." As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.

"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. “Because pistols can totally make guts fly!” Randy added. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder. Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. He walked with a strut that would make Peter Parker green with envy. Troy grabbed him. “Notice me, senpai!” Troy yelled.

"Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood. "Come on Jeff, fight me!" “Come at me, bro! I’ll totally 360-no-scope you! Also, I fucked your mom!” He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff's head.

"Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room. "Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. "I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! Um, how does Randy know how long Liu is staying in Juvy? You should be ashamed!" Jeff starts to get up.

"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. Kill, and dance! He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop. THE POWER OF JEFF IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU! As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies.

Everyone is looking at Jeff now. KNEEL BEFORE JEFF, FOR HE IS YOUR GOD NOW! HE HAS KILLED THE UNBELIEVER! The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see's the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Well, in all defense, bad guys are terrible shots. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. JEFF RIP TOWEL RACK! JEFF SMASH! Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.

Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. SERIOUSLY. DOES THIS PERSON NOT KNOW HOW TENSES WORK? I haven’t really complained about all of them, since I’d be here all day if I did, but I’m complaining now because it’s really annoying. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.

"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol." Ha ha ha! That is funny! Oh, Keith, you comedian you. Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. Because Keith randomly has a lighter on him. Of course. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. “Walking Inferno” is one of The Tramps’ lesser known songs. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out.

When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.

"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.

"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go." “And you’re in absolutely no trouble, despite the fact that you killed a guy. The legal system is very weird.” This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again." “I always thought you two were a cute couple.”

Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. It always sucked when Grandpa Karl came around, since he was always telling stories about Slender Man in German. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.

"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face.

Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face.

"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror. "Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..." Considering what happened to him, it’s a damn miracle.

"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching. "Uh... Jeff, are you okay?" "Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? The plot did. Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know. But that’s not why he was so happy. He was happy because he now was able to be the best Joker cosplayer ever!

"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?" "Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. Also, he’s batshit insane now, but whatever. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test."

"Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go." Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes. "This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. I’m pretty sure that after being on fire, these clothes wouldn’t be in such good condition. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life. Sheesh, spoiler alert!

Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.

"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother. Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, Ican smile forever. I’ll show Pharell Williams who’s happy!" Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black. "Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing. "I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face." I’m pretty sure that isn’t what happens if you burn off your eyelids. Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?

"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we..." A-plus parenting! Your son is crazy and is mutilating himself, and what do you do? Tell your husband to get a gun. She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife. "Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them. “I’m the one who makes guts fly!” Jeff yelled. His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. “Slender Man, fuck off.” Liu said. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip. "Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep."

“I’d love to, Jeff, but you kind of woke me up. Dick.” Liu responded.


And that's my riff of "Jeff the Killer." To be honest, I didn't realize it was this terrible until I started doing this riff. I mean, I didn't notice that "emotional" line of dialogue from Liu until now. But anyway, it's done. So, do you like this riff and think it's funny? Do you think it's unfunny and that I should do other things? Do you think I should drink bleach? Or do you have any future suggestions? Let me know in the comments.

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