That's right, folks, two riffs in one day! It's a new record! But that's not saying much, considering the fact that I started doing these riffs yesterday. Anyway, remember in my last riff, when I was talking about "Jane the Killer"? Well, as it turns out, there are two main text stories involving Jane the Killer (I say 'text stories' because "Jeff the Killer vs. Jane the Killer" is actually an audio story): the first one, "Jane's Letter", which introduces the character and has that picture, and the one I'm riffing today, "Jane the Killer: The Real Story". Now, I chose this one because, well, it was longer. In fact, it's longer than "Jeff the Killer"! Now, since it was longer, I felt I could cram more jokes into it, including jokes about "Jeff the Killer", since these two stories take place in the same universe.

Actually, to be honest, when I first read it, I liked it. Well, I liked it more than "Jeff the Killer", which, in some ways, I still do. But going back over it, I realize that this story is, to put it mildly, garbage. I've always wondered what a 'Mary Sue' fan fiction was like. Well, reading this, I got my answer. That being said, it's a tad more well written than "Jeff the Killer", and Jeff was a lot more menacing and scary here than in his own story. But despite those pros, there a still a lot of cons.

(Riffer's Personal Note: I once dated a girl named Janey, and a girl online who really likes Jane the Killer. This isn't dedicated to them or anything, I just want to make it clear that if a guy named Dorkpool can get a girlfriend or two, then anyone can. Except people who say, "Babe, make me a sandwich." Dude, make your own damn sandwich.)

Listen, the only reason I'm going out of my way to tell any of you this is because the story "Jane the Killer" is starting to piss me off. Well, Jane, if it makes you feel any better, the story “Jeff the Killer” pissed me off.

My real name is Jane Arkensaw, a.k.a. "Jane the Killer" and this is how I met Jeff, the reason I look the way I do, and why I want to kill him. The simple answer to all of that is the plot.

When I heard that a new family had moved in across the street, I wasn't that surprised. It was a nice neighborhood, and the house was relatively cheap considering where it was. Bullshit. This neighborhood was described in “Jeff the Killer” as a place rich people seem to live. I guess I was about 13-14 when everything went to hell.

I never really talked to Jeff when he moved in. To be frank I never talked to him until... that night. But it's too soon to talk about that now. My first impression of Jeff was that he was a good kid. Probably got nice grades, rarely got into fights, maybe even a cool guy if he opened up to someone.

His brother Liu, seemed like he put family first by the way he sat with his brother on the sidewalk. Of course I was just guessing at the time and really didn't put much thought into my analysis because I was getting ready for school when I looked out the window and I was running late, which was unusual for me at that time in my life because I was hardly ever late for anything. Especially school. “I’m kind of a nerd.”

I wasn't surprised when I saw Randy and his stooges go up to Jeff and Liu on that stupid skateboard of his. Randy was nothing but a bully, he always picked on anyone who was smaller than him. This detail seems like something the police should have found out if they were asking eyewitnesses about stuff in “Jeff the Killer.” And yes, I know, I’m talking about the original Jeff pasta a lot, but you know what? This story takes place in the same universe and world as “Jeff the Killer”, so this should all theoretically fit.

He was even the reason why my parents drove me to school instead of the letting me take the bus like everyone else. “My parents were overprotective, and really cramped my style. But soon I will kill them, and be a strong independent Mary Sue who don’t need no man. Unless that man is a poorly written Joker wannabe.” Everyone had their lunch money or some kind of cash given to Randy and his goons because of some "toll" that he demanded from everyone. We all knew Randy's group had knives and threatened to use them on us we ever told anyone about the money they took from the other kids on the block. Everyone, except the new kids they were trying the intimidate like the rest of us. Um, what? I didn’t quite understand that last sentence. See, this is why people should use proper grammar.

When I saw Randy talking to them through the window I just looked away. It was wussy thing to do Yeah, it was, you pussy. but. I had better things to do than watch another kid hand over his money to Randy. But curiosity got the better of me and I looked up a few seconds later. What I saw left me speechless. Jeff was standing now, and it looked like Randy already had what he wanted. “Randy finally had the man of his dreams. However, that man was also the man of my dreams, so Randy has to die.”

"Just sit down," I thought, "Don't be stupid". Then I saw Jeff punch Randy in the face and break his wrist. "Oh my god." I whispered. Then I yelled, "You Idiot!" Jane, he broke a guy’s wrist. He’s not the idiot here.

My parents ran down the stairs and asked what happened. Then they looked outside and saw what was going on. Jeff had already cut the skinny guy, I think his name was Keith, and he went down screaming. Troy only went down with a single puinch. Oh, puinchs are so painful. Since my house was across the street from where Jeff and his brother were sitting, with the front of the house having big windows, we saw the whole thing. Or at least I did, my parents came in after the part where Randy stole their wallet, so they didn't know the whole truth. Congratulations, Jane. Because you didn’t tell the cops what happened, we eventually got “Jeff the Killer.”

It was disturbing watching Jeff fight. He was enjoying himself too much. You should see him alone in his bedroom. He really enjoys himself then. I felt a knot in my stomach like something was happening that shouldn't be, and from the look on Liu's face, Jeff didn't do this kind of thing often. Next thing I know I hear sirens and the new kids bolted out of there. The cops came around with the bus driver to check on the "victims". It seemed they were going to be alright.

You know, considering the amount of crap kicked out of them.

Since my parent's policy was "no cops" ever since my dad got framed by a narc cop when he wanted to draw attention off of himself when police where investigating the case of the missing coke. Nancy Drew, and the Case of the Missing Coke. It ended with my dad quitting the force. Wow, the police really are fucked up in this universe. So when we heard sirens we went into the backyard got into the car and left.

When my parents drove me to school they told me very clearly that they didn't want me talking to Jeff ever. I did not disagree with them. A lot of fan fiction writers disagree.

I had art first period so I didn't see Jeff until close to the end of school. I can still see the colors in my artwork if I think hard enough. But when I try to look at anything now, it all seems gray. I guess that's the price someone pays for losing their innocence. Wow, I don’t think there’s any way that could sound more melodramatic and whiny.

I didn't see Jeff until the final period of the day. When I did he seemed... off. At first I thought he was just faking the joy so people wouldn't suspect him for the crime that he did. But he really was enjoying himself. It wasn't because he was excited to be at school I could tell that much from him. The smile he wore looked sadistic to me. It was the smile of a madman. The second that bell rang I bolted out those doors as fast as I could. Nobody but me knew what Jeff really was. A freak. Wow, I don’t think there was any way you could sound more shallow.

The next day seemed to be passing without incident at first. Then I saw the police car in front of Jeff's house. "Looks like they got you." I thought. Nobody could gotten away with something like that (You know, with the neighborhood watch and everything. I really want to make a joke about George Zimmerman here.). But I was wrong with who they arrested. Instead of coming out with Jeff like I expected they would, the police came out with Liu, his brother. They shouldn’t have arrested either of them! Jeff was acting in self-defense! He was basically being mugged at knife point, ok? Self-defense, believe it or not, is a valid excuse for kicking the crap out of someone.

I was barely forming the thought of Jeff framing his brother for the assault when he came out of the house yelling at Liu, "Liu tell them I did it!" (I was able to hear him this time because the front door was open to my house. No, you were able to hear him this time because the plot demanded it.).

I couldn't hear what Liu said in reply to Jeff's outburst, but it was definitely not what Jeff wanted to hear. “What do you mean you’re breaking up with me?” Jeff asked, tears streaming down his face. A few seconds later, the police drove off with Liu, and Jeff was left outside with his mother. A few minutes later she went inside the house and left Jeff outside. Although I couldn't hear him from across the street, I could tell that he was crying.

But who wouldn't be in that situation.

The next day rumors were spreading like wildfire about Liu. It took so long for the rumors to get started because everyone was afraid to talk about Randy getting his ass handed to him. When it was revealed that he wouldn't be coming back to school for a few days, everyone decided to take advantage of that fact and enjoy it as much as possible, and lots of random bullshit started popping up.

"I heard Liu cut off Keith's arm!"

"Oh yeah? Well I heard that Liu hit Troy so hard in the stomach that he ralphed up blood!" Ralph was very offended upon hearing that.

"That's nothing! I heard that he punched Randy so hard in nose that it came out the back of his head!"

“I heard Liu made Randy his sex slave, and dressed him in leather and everything!” (The person who said this was shunned soon after saying that) and etc, etc, etc.

Personally I didn't want anything to do with Jeff or his brother. But... he just looked so alone and upset that I had to do something. So I wrote him a note telling him that he had a friend in this place and that I was going to testify at Liu's trial about what really happened. No you aren’t, you lying bitch. I left the note at his desk signed with the letter "J" before class started, then left the room. “Why is the Joker leaving me a letter?” Jeff thought. When I came back Jeff was at his desk and the note was gone. Dun dun dunnnn!

Saturday rolled around and I was home alone while my parents were at work. The kid next door was having a birthday party. At the time I left my window open because I wanted a nice breeze in my room while I did my homework. But the kids were getting so loud that I decided to close my window. “It was either that, or I throw tear gas down there to break up the party.” I was about to close it when I saw Jeff playing with the kids. He was running around wearing one of those fake cowboy hats and carrying a toy gun. He looked so ridiculous I had to laugh. Shit like this is why people ship you two.

"Maybe he isn't the monster I think he is." I thought, ashamed of myself for suspecting he could have been one. Please refer to my last statement.

As I was closing the window, I saw Randy, Keith, and Troy jump over the fence on their skateboards to where Jeff was. “How the fuck did they heal so quickly?” I thought.

"Not again!" I said to the open window.

I saw Randy and Jeff exchange small talk but I couldn't hear what they said over the sound of the kids yelling and screaming. Then Randy rushed at Jeff and tackled him. I was about to grab the phone and dial 911 when I heard Troy and Keith shout, "No one interrupts or guts will fly!" I looked out the window again and saw that they both had matching guns in their hands. I couldn't have called for help then without endangering the lives of others. I couldn't have called 911 anyway, the batteries in my phone was dead. You know, you could have just skipped to the part where you said the batteries in your phone were dead. The whole part with Randy overstating the power of his gun really wasn’t necessary here.

Jeff was on his side getting kicked by Randy in the face when he grabbed his foot and twisted it. Randy fell over and Jeff tried to walk back to the house when Troy grabbed him by the collar and threw him towards the house. I heard glass breaking and I knew then that they were going to kill him.

"Randy you asshat!" I screamed at him. But he couldn't hear me over the sound of the kids screaming.

I couldn't wait anymore, so I ran to my parent's bedroom and searched for my dad's cellphone, hoping that he forgot it at home. My heart was pounding in my chest, knowing that the longer it took for me to get help, the higher the chance of someone getting killed was. I finally found the phone underneath the bed. I wasted no time punching in the numbers. "911 hello?" "I need help there's an emergency going on next door! Some guys jumped the fence and are beating up someone! They've got guns you need to hurry please!" "Okay miss I need you to tell me the address and I'll send help right away." I quickly told her my address and the address of the house next door. "Please hurry!" I said. "It's okay just stay on the lin-" BANG BANG BANG! I heard loud gunshots come from next door. It wasn’t anything really malicious; NRA members just decided to show that they had guns, and the gay Muslim communist dictator hippie Obama wouldn’t take their guns from them. ‘Murica. I yelped and dropped the phone, it landed on the ground and broke. As you can tell, this wasn’t a Nokia phone. Then I ran to my bedroom window to try and figure out what was going on. But no sooner had I poked my head out the window I heard the woosh of a fire and the screaming... I'm going to make Jeff scream like that again when I find him. Ummmmm…I…and you wonder why people ship you two. The only thing I can compare it to is the death cry of an animal. It was at the time for me horrifying. But now it sounds like music to me and there is nothing I want to hear more in the world than him screaming. Stop saying that, you’re giving the fan fiction writers ideas!

I saw fire spew out of the house like an angry dragon. Personally, I would’ve said “Like the farts of the Human Torch”, but sure, angry demon works. I ran downstairs immediately and got the portable fire extinguisher from the kitchen and ran outside. As I was running I popped the pin for the extinguisher for immediate use. Luckily the door was unlocked as I barged in but when I saw Jeff, I completely froze.

He was lying at the bottom of the stairs almost completely on fire with adults trying to put it out. I saw bits of his skin through all the commotion. Some parts pink, some parts charred, but it was all covered in red. At the sight of all this I screamed and then I passed out. Pussy. Last thing I remember is some of the adults running towards me. Whether it was to help me or get the fire extinguisher I don't know.

When I came to I was in a hospital bed wearing one of those gowns that a patient wears. I believe that’s called a hospital gown, Jane. A nurse came in a few moments later. She had long brown hair in a bun hidden under her hat. She looked like she didn't want to be there. I completely emphasize with this nurse. I asked her what happened.

"All I know is that you were brought in with a few other kids because you fell and hit your head on a fire extinguisher." she said, annoyed. “Damn girls, always hitting their heads on fire extinguishers. Ugh. Oh well, soon I shall resurrect Hitler, and together, we can be lovers and wipe away the filth of the earth!”

"A fire extinguisher?" I reached up my hand and touched my head. I felt bandages and a large bump the size of a orange. Then I remembered Jeff. "One of the guys that came in here with me, the one with the burns, is he going to be alright?"

She sighed, "Listen, there was two boys that were brought in with you that had burns, and no I'm not letting you see him just because he's your boyfriend."

I felt the heat rise in my face. "He isn't my boyfriend! Keep telling yourself that. I'm just worried about him! Wouldn’t you be worried about someone who you just saw burning alive in front of you?!" I tried to keep my voice steady, but my voice quivered enough to make it sound like I was lying. You’re lying about being worried, or about…oh, no…quick, run, the fan fiction writers are coming!

"Whatever. Your parents are here by the way. Wanna see them?" she asked.

“Bitch I might.” Jane responded.

"Yes, of course!" anything to get me away from that nurse.

My parents came in and the nurse finally left. They asked what happened. I told them everything. The fight, the note, all of it.

"I knew that Randy was no good!" my mom said.

"So have you heard anything about Jeff's condition?" I asked.

"No, not a thing," said my dad, "we just got here as soon as we heard about what happened to you."

"But who told you?" I asked. I didn't think I saw anyone at the party that my family knew.

"The hospital called us." mom said.

"Well I guess that makes sense." it made absolutely no sense to me of course. How would someone be able identify me without me having any form of identification. I’m pretty sure adults or whoever would know you. Hell, maybe Jeff told his family about you. Or maybe your neighbors knew you. Maybe the cops or the hospital asked people.

I looked in the doorway and saw a man and a woman standing in there. My parents followed my gaze and saw them too.

"Excuse me, but is this Jane Arkensaw's room?" the woman asked.

“Bitch, it might be.”

"Yes." my mother answered, "Who are you?"

"I'm Margret, and this is Peter, my husband." she gestured to the man beside her. "We're Jeff's parents."

I sat up in my bed.

"I'm Isabelle, this is my husband Greg, and our daughter Jane." mom gestured to me.


"So, you're the girl who ran in with the fire extinguisher." Margret said.

“Bitch, I might be.” Jane replied.

"Yes." I replied quietly, embarrassed. "Is your son alright?"

“Bitch, he-“ ok, I’ll stop now. This joke is just getting old.

"He just came out of surgery a few hours ago. The doctors said he will be fine."

I relaxed at that thought. "That's good." I said. "Listen. I know what happened to Jeff and Liu on their first day of school..." then I told Jeff's parents what really happened to Randy and his crew.

"We had no idea that Jeff was capable of something like this." Peter said.

"I am willing to testify that Liu didn't beat up anyone and that Jeff only beat up Randy and his gang in self-defense."

"No need," said Margret, "Liu is being released from jail after what happened to those boys." That is really stupid. Jeff beats up and kills a couple of kids, and this causes Liu to be released. Wow, the legal system is fucked up in these stories.

"That's good." I said. "We just came to say thank you for trying to help our son, Jane. It warms my heart to see selfless people in your generation."

I blushed, "I did anything anyone would have done in my situation." I looked down, "I'm not a hero."

"Nonsense!" Margret said, "The least we can do is invite you over to our place for dinner when Jeff gets out of the hospital!"

I looked at mom and dad. "It would be an honor." My mom said.

“We’re getting food from Cracker Barrel.” “Ok, never mind then.”

"It's settled then! We'll call you as soon as Jeff gets out of the hospital." we said our goodbyes and then they left.

About 2 days passed and I was allowed to be released from the hospital. During that time I had no contact with Jeff or his family, but I heard that Liu was released from jail and Jeff's wounds were healing.

When I got back to school, I became the center of attention, more or less because I was the only one who saw what happened at the party. But the only people I told about what happened were my friends: Dani, Marcy, and Erica. I’m sure these will be very important and likable characters that everyone remembers and loves. I didn't know what to tell them so I told them what I saw. Well, clearly you knew what to tell them then.

"Sounds like Jeff got his ass handed to him." said Dani, she had raven-black hair, with sapphire-blue eyes. She was usually the most level-headed of us. Well, considering you, Jane, that’s not saying much.

"Well at least he went down fighting. I heard he took those idiots to the hospital with him." Erica snickered. She always dressed like she was from the 80's or something. Long, thigh-high rainbow colored socks, with hair to match, and always wearing some kind of backpack with her. AND SHE’S A MANIAC, MANIAC, OH YEAH! AND SHE’S DANCING LIKE SHE’S NEVER DANCED BEFORE!

"He also took Jane to the hospital. Maybe she was trying to beat him up too." Marcy laughed. Are characters actually shipping Jane and Jeff in the story? She seemed to be the "girly-girl" of our little group. She was blond with brown eyes, and nearly every time we saw her, she had some sort of pink on her. Whether it was the color of her shirt, or the jewelry around her neck, and she was one of the biggest drama-queens I knew. Always stretching out the truth or blowing something out of proportion. “She was also always blowing something too. Marcy was kind of a whore.”

"I told you, I went over there to try and help Jeff because something was wrong." I muttered. I was the "plain-Jane", brown hair, green-eyes, completely unremarkable looks wise. I think you mean otherwise, Jane. Or do your unremarkable features look wise?

"Or maybe... You wanted to see your love one last time before he left to go get help for himself." Marcy said in her dramatic voice. Oh, lord, they actually are shipping Jeff and Jane in the story.

I just looked at her with my eyes the size of dinner plates.

"Wha... What?"

"You can't deny it Jane Arkensaw! You have a crush on Jeff!" Marcy speaks for all fan fiction writers, as it turns out.

Every blood cell in my body decided to migrate to my face at once when she said that. Because blood cells totally work like that.

"What?! No! I j-just wanted to help him that's all!"

"Liar! I saw you leave that note you left on his desk! What was it? A confession of your love for him?"

"No, it was a map to the treasure of One-Eyed Willy!"

"No! It was nothing like that at all! I was just-"

"So you admit you left him a note then!"

"What do you mean?"

"I was guessing." she gave me a cynical little smile and then just waited for my response. The other girls started laughing at me.

"Jane it's only a joke! I was just kidding!" Marcy smiled. Bullshit.

"Your face is redder than a tomato!" Erica cackled. Who the fuck says that?

"I hate all of you." I grumbled. Join the club.

"Oh, stop being so serious!" Dani put a hand on my shoulder. "Why so serious, Jane?" "Come on, let's get to class."

The weeks went by, everything seemed to be normal. I think Liu even made a few friends. Everything was normal and nothing happened. Then Liu came up to me one day and told me about Jeff.

"Excuse me, your name is Jane right?"


I turned around and looked. It was Liu. Ok, good. I was worried it was Shia LeBouf. And, wait, didn’t Liu come home the same day Jeff did? What’s he doing at school?

"Yes. You're Liu right? Jeff's brother?"

"Yeah." he looked a little uncomfortable. Then again, so was I. "Look my parents wanted me to tell you that Jeff is getting his bandages removed in a few days, so expect a phone call inviting you to dinner soon."

"Okay, well, thank-you." I said.

He was about to turn away when I said, "Hey, listen, what you did for Jeff... that was really respectable."

"Thanks. I heard you tried to help my brother with a fire extinguisher. That was cool." "Yeah? Well thanks. See you around, I guess."

"Yeah, see-ya." Oh, the ship no one ever speaks of.

I was watching him walk away when I heard a little voice beside me say, "Cheating on your boyfriend are you?" Never mind.

"The fuck?! I turned around, surprised. It was Marcy.

"And with his own brother none the less!" she fake gasped. Jane, you fucking whore.

"Shut-up!" I yelled. Then I turned my head to make sure Liu didn't hear me. He didn't. "Lets just get to class." I grumbled.

Two days passed until the phone rang. My mom answered it. A few minutes later she got off and told me this: "Jeff is getting out of the hospital today Jane."

I looked up at her and said, "That's great!"

“No, not really. Jeff totally lost his fucking mind.”

"It looks like we'll be having that free dinner in a few days!" she chuckled.

A few hours passed and I heard a car pull into a drive-way across the street. I looked out the window and saw Jeff's car in front of its house.

"Jeff's home." I thought. I decided to watch out of curiosity, to see what he would look like. Dear god how wrong I was. Wrong about what? You just decided to watch people leave a car. Was your decision wrong? I’m confused.

His dad got out. Then his mom. Then Liu. But what I expected Jeff to look like couldn't be farther from what I saw. He had long black hair down to his shoulders, white, leathery skin, and that smile... that smile was the same smile I saw when he was in class after he beat up Randy, Keith, and Troy. “The smile of a man who wears lipstick.”

But Jeff looked right at me. Into my eyes I could feel those soulless, sadistic eyes burn right into my soul. “It was actually quite a turn on.” I still shake from the memory even now as I type this. I still internally vomit thinking about the original Jeff story even now as I type this. He seemed to be looking at me for hours with that smile until he looked away. I saw him walk into the house with his parents. I didn't even breathe until that door finally closed behind them. My parents came into the living room and asked me what was wrong.

My only reply was a long, loud, scream. Then I fainted. “Damn, why does she keep becoming unconscious?” Jane’s mother said.

When I finally woke up, it was dark outside. There was no one around, and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye, you see him. Jeff the Killer. My parents weren't in their bedroom. “I’m kind of glad they weren’t. The last time I checked to see if they were in their bedroom, I saw things that scarred me for life.” The house was deathly quiet. I got up and went downstairs. I was wearing a long nightgown that I wasn't wearing before I fainted. I went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were on, which was unusual, my parents always told me to turn off the lights in a room when I left it.

There was a note on the table.

I picked it up. Scrawled on the paper was this: Aren't you coming to dinner? Your friends are here too." Apparently the Observer likes trolling other people besides Noah.

I began to shake violently. It was at the moment Taylor Swift knew what to call her new song: “Shake if off.” I dropped the paper. I went to the living room window and looked out. The lights were on in Jeff's house. I knew that I had to go there, but I was terrified out of my mind. I shook my head and looked back again. I saw Jeff leaning on the window in his house staring at me with a knife in his hand and tapping it against the window. “Hey, Jane, I have a new knife collection! Wanna see it?”

Tap. Tap. Tap.

He was still smiling. Well, considering that he cut it into his face, I’m really not surprised.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I started stepping back from the window, never taking my eyes off of him. Then I turned and ran away from the window into the kitchen. When I peaked out of the kitchen to look out the window, all I saw was a smear of red on the window.

I turned around and looked at the kitchen. Everything seemed to be in its place. Even the knives. I grabbed one of them and held on tight. “Jeff isn’t the only one with a knife collection.” Then I found the phone and tried to dial 911. “Unfortunately, I forgot the number.” But the phone line was disconnected. I had no idea where dad's cell phone was, or if it was even fixed. I didn't want to go upstairs to find it. I didn't want to get stabbed in the back while I was looking for it; and if I went to ask one of the neighbors for help, Jeff could kill or hurt whoever he have captive. He have so much people captive. So there was only one choice. To go fight Jeff alone. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to watch the battle of the century: Jeff the Killer vs. Jane the Killer! –Mortal Kombat theme plays in the background-

I clutched the knife tighter and went to the front door, put on my shoes, and went outside. My hand lingered on the doorknob as I stepped outside. But I knew what I had to do. I let go of the doorknob and marched across the street to Jeff's house.

As I got closer to front door of his house I began to slow down. My knees began to shake, my palms began to sweat, and I started to breathe faster and shallower. before I knew it I was standing completely still on the front doorstep panting like a dog. I manned up grabbed the doorknob squeezed my eyes shut and jerked it open.

I stood there in the doorway with a knife in my right hand and the doorknob in my left, too terrified to open my eyes. Until I heard a voice say, "Looks like you made it. I'm glad you did, friend." I opened my eyes. F is friends who kill stuff together, U is for you and me! N is anyone, anyone at all, here in this bad story! Then screamed. Would you stop doing that? You’re hurting my ears.

His eyes were large and unblinking, and his smile was red. “He had decided to wear lipstick. And he wears it pretty damn well.” He had carved a smile into his face! His clothes were covered in blood, and then I passed out.

When I woke up I was at a dining room table. My knife was gone, and when I looked up, I saw people sitting at the table. It was my parents, Jeff's parents, his brother Liu, and my friends. They were all dead. With smiles carved into their faces and huge red cavities in their chests. The smell was unbearable, it's indescribable... unlike anything I had ever smelled before. It was the smell of death. It’s so indescribable that you easily described it.

I tried to scream but I had a gag in my mouth and I was tied to a chair. I feel like a lot of fan fictions between these two start out this way. I looked around at the room in disbelief. Tears were welling up in my eyes from the sight and smell of the bodies.

"Look who's finally awake."

I turned and looked beside me. Jeff was there. I tried screaming but the gag was in the way. Suddenly he was beside with the knife against my throat.

"Shhhhhhh, shush, shush, shush. It's not polite to scream at friends." he began sliding the blade across my face. Constantly tracing invisible lines from the corners of my mouth up my cheeks in a large grinning smile. I shivered as he did this. When I turned away from him he grabbed the back of my head and forced me to look at the scene at the table. "Now, now, don't be rude, you're insulting everyone by not looking at their pretty faces." Wow, Jeff has pretty menacing dialogue here. Much more than in his story. Kudos.

I looked back at the table, looking at everyone with their faces carved into smiles and some with their chests still bleeding fresh blood. Hot tears began running down my face and I began to sob.

"Awww what's wrong?" Jeff purred, "Are you upset that you don't look beautiful like them?" I looked at him, trying to understand what he said. But I looked away when I saw his face again and looked back to the table.

"Don't worry, I'll make you look beautiful too. What do you say?" She can’t say anything, since she’s gagged. he then slid the knife under the gag and cut it off. Never mind. I spat out the gag and looked at him straight in his eyes, trying to hold his gaze. He tilted his head to the side as he looked back at me. Then I shut my eyes and looked away from him. Then I muttered darkly, "Go fuck yourself." then I turned to look at him again, "You Joker reject!" Ok, in case anyone was wondering where I got the whole “Joker wannabe” thing from, it was actually from here. As it turns out, I misquoted. Oh well.

He just laughed in my face. I preferred it when he just smiled. "You're even funnier than I thought." Jane the Killer: one of the greatest comedic geniuses of our generation.

He came closer to me. I looked away again, feeling his breath against my skin.

"Friends do Friends favors right? Well I'm going to do a favor for you." Jeff, keep your dick in your pants.

I felt him let go of the back of my head. When I looked back he was out of the room. No, it’s Slender Man who does the whole disappearing thing, not Jeff the Killer. I looked back at the table once more, taking it all in. Fresh tears started to come down my face again as I remembered my family and friends who were alive only a few hours ago. I was still crying when Jeff came back.

"Don't cry." he said, "It'll be all over soon." DON’T YOU CRY NO MORE! Also, Supernatural fans, not a word.

I looked down at him and saw he was holding a jug of bleach and a can of gas. “I’m going to clean your clothes and refuel your car!” Jeff said, menacingly.

My eyes widened and I looked back at him. "I didn't have any alcohol, so this will have to do." I don’t have any alcohol either, or else I would be hammered at this point.

Then he began to douse me in bleach and gasoline. "We had better hurry, Jane. I've already called the firemen." Then he held up a single match.

Lit it.

Then threw it at me.

BURN, BABY, BURN! DISCO INFERNO! Sorry, was that insensitive?

The flames erupted as soon as the match came into contact with me. I screamed as loud as possible. The pain was unbearable. I could feel the flesh melting off my body, the heat invading every pore in my body. Blood evaporating in its veins, and my bones becoming charred and brittle.

Before I blacked out, I heard Jeff laughing, "See you later my friend! I hope you become as beautiful as I am! AHAHAHAHA!" As beautiful as he is? Jeff, you aren’t that sexy, despite what your fangirls think.

Then everything went black. When I woke up I was sitting in a hospital bed, bandaged from head to toe. Everything was spinning, and it hurt to blink, and breathe.

I looked around and saw an empty room. I groaned loudly because my mouth was bandaged. Everything hurt. A nurse came in a few minutes later.

"Jane? Can you hear me?"

“What?” Jane asked.

I looked towards her. The room started spinning even more. "Jane, I'm your nurse, Jackie, I don't know how to say this but, you family died in the fire. I'm sorry."

Tears started falling down my face again. I sobbed. "No honey, don't cry. You won't be able to breathe if you do."

I couldn't stop. Jane died from suffocating soon after. The end! Wait…

"Jane I'm going to give you something to help you calm down alright?" I felt something run into my blood stream, then I fell asleep again. Why does Jane keep getting knocked out or fainting in this story? Does the writer have some sort of unconsciousness fetish? Weirdo.

When I woke up again I could move more and my body wasn't as bandaged as it was when I first woke up. I looked around and saw that my room had flowers in it. Some were fresh, some were dying. I tried to get up but a nurse came in and put me back down. "Easy Jane, you've been asleep for a while. Try to take it easy."

I tried to speak. My voice came out rough, and sand-papery. "How, how long was I asleep?"

"Almost 2 weeks. You were put in a medically induced coma in order for your body to heal. I'm the same nurse you saw the first time you woke up."

"Give me a mirror." I said.

"Jane, I don't think that's wi-"


“Remember that name you all had for me when I was at Internal Affairs? What was it, Gordon?” Harvey Dent asked. “Harvey, I...” Gordon responded. “Say it. Say it!” “Two-Face. Harvey Two-Face.”

I felt the handle of a mirror get slipped into my hand. When I looked into the mirror I dropped in onto the floor. The shattering of the mirror didn't compare to the shattering of my realization. My skin was leathery and brown, I didn't have a single hair on my head, and the skin around my eyes were saggy. I looked almost as bad as Jeff. But Jeff is so beautiful! Everything came flooding back for me. I began to cry harder than I ever had before. The nurse was hugging me but it didn't help much. At the height of my sobbing, I was surprised that nobody else came in to check up on me. By the time I was done, I could barely speak. Someone came into the doorway. "Excuse me, I have a delivery for a 'Miss Arkensaw'?" "I'll take those." Jackie stood up and went to the doorway. I didn't want the delivery guy to look at me so I stared at the wall in front of me. "Someone certainly cares about you Jane. It looks like the same person who sent you all these flowers got you a package too." I looked around at her. She was holding a pink paper package tied with brown string. I reached out and took it from her. The second I took that package from her I knew something was wrong. "Excuse me but, could I have something to eat?" I asked as sweetly as possible. "Of course, I'll get you some food right away." Jackie smiled back, then left the room. My hands shook as I grabbed the string and pulled it. The paper lightly bounced up and I saw something that turned my blood to ice. It was a white mask with black around the eyes and a black feminine smile. It also had black lace covering the eye holes of the mask, so even though someone couldn't see my eyes, I could see them. There was also a long, black dress with a turtle neck, black gloves, and a black wig with beautiful curls. Along with all these things, there was a bouquet of black roses and a sharp kitchen knife. Attached to the mask there was also a note:

'"Jane, I'm sorry I messed up with trying to make you beautiful. So I gave you a mask that will let you seem beautiful until you get better. Also you forgot your knife, I thought you would want it back."' '-Jeff ' How did Jeff get these things? And how did he know her size? What did Jeff do to Jane while she was unconscious?

By the time nurse Jackie came back, the present was hidden under my bed. I told her all that was there was the flowers. She seemed to be disgusted by them so she threw them out. I thanked her for that.

That night, when everyone was either asleep or gone home, I sneaked out. The only thing I had to wear was that dress. So I put it on and I found a pair of shoes outside in the hallway, forgotten by some careless nurse. I wore the wig to look less inconspicuous. So does that mean you were wearing the wig to seem more obvious?

I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. When I finally stopped walking, I was in front of a cemetery. I went inside and found two tombstones. Isabelle Arkensaw and Gregory Arkensaw. I feel like the funeral would have been held after Jane was able to be there. I sat down in front of their tombstones and cried once more. Jane, you cry a hell of a lot. When I finally sat up, the sun was beginning to rise, and so was a new chapter in my life. Oh no, not another chapter! Why won’t this story just end? I took the mask and put it on. Then picked up the knife and held it as tightly as I did before. Then I turned around and looked at the rising sun, on that day I swore my revenge against Jeff the Killer and donned my new name "Jane Everlasting". That’s a random name. Why not “Jane Infinite?” Or “Jane Immortal?” Or “Jane, the Girl Who Is Going To Murder Jeff?” Or even “The Girl Who Played With Fire?” For I want the only thing to be more everlasting for Jeff than his madness to be his death. Are you saying you want him to take a while to die? Or that you want his death to last forever? Considering that this story doesn’t have any superheroes, I feel like death would be permanent.

Ever since that day I have been trying to find Jeff and kill him.

Hunting him.

Hunting him like the animal he is.

I will find you Jeff, and I will kill you. “I’ll chase you ‘round the moons of Nibia, and ‘round the Antares Maelstrom, and ‘round Perdition’s flames before I give you up!”

As for the photo that has been popping up of me saying: "Don't go to Sleep, You won't wake up" that pretty much explains what I want to do with Jeff's victims, prevent them from becoming victims in the first place. Whoever said that I kill them so they don't get killed by Jeff is a gross overstatement. Hey, they thought it was more compelling.

So, this is my story. Whether you accept it as fact is not up for me to decide. It’s up for the fandom to decide, actually. Now if you excuse me, the sun is going down, and the hunt is beginning once more. “And now to send, and soon my story will be uploaded to the Creepypasta Wiki. Wait, what do you mean that stories with Jeff the Killer are no longer accepted? Do you know how long I worked on this? Ugh. My life sucks.”

And that's my riff of "Jane the Killer: The Real Story." What do you all think? Did you find it humorous? Did you find it a bit sexist (if you did, that was so not my intention, sorry)? Or do you think I should do other things, like drinking gallons of bleach?

(By the way, if anyone reading this wants me to do a riff of some of their pastas, be sure that you can take a joke. Also, I would like your email, so I can send my riff to you beforehand so that I don't unintentionally piss you off and cause you to swear vengeance on me. Because it's really annoying when that happens.)