I have a confession of sorts to make. I'm...I'm an Atheist. I know, I'm evil and corrupting the youth and blah blah blah. Why am I bringing this up? Because of the story I'm going to be Riffing: "Father Malone". Based on what's said during it, I should be scared for my life. I'm not, of course. (Well, ok, I kind of am, but I'm worried about offended Jeff the Killer fangirls than anything else) Now, why should I be scared? Well, let's let the power of Christ compel us, and Riff this bitch.
The following information was disclosed by a Bishop who remains in isolation at Devil Lake Sanitarium. You’re keeping an insane bishop at a sanitarium in a place called Devil Lake? That’s smart. The same Bishop sold out Sell out! Father Malone for setting fire to a Wicca Covenant and killing some of its members. This was not an unwarranted attack, this was because the members took the lives of his young wife and 4-month-old son in cold blood. Why? Wiccans, as far as I know, aren’t exactly evil. So his actions for committing arson was with reason. Every day, Malone could not get over the death of his infant son Isaiah. “He kept whining about it, and it started to get annoying. That’s why the Bishop sold him out.” He could only cradle his child in his arms when visitations from his departed wife Ashley happen in his sleep. He will never get over the loss of the two people he held close to him. Even after 66 exorcisms, mostly all of them being botched, the exorcised spirits have taken residence in him and turned him into an inhuman ghoul, despite the fact that he speaks and behaves normally most of the time, but anyone who crosses him, his voice, along with those he exorcised, speak all at one time, all malicious spirits. Ok, this came right the fuck out of nowhere. We went from “his family died” to “he’s possessed.” What the fuck?
Bishop Lynn commented on why he reported Father Malone for burning the Wicca Covenant down to the ground. He said, and I quote, “He knew too much.”
"I really didn't see any need in him doing what he did. When he admitted that the high priestess killed his wife and son, I really should've believed him. But I didn't, it was my Alzheimer's. “Oh, damn, it’s my Alzheimer’s again. What an annoyance.” My memory's been so deteriorated, that's why I decided to admit myself here. You admitted yourself to place located near Devil Lake. Clearly more than your memory is going. My granddaughter Jennifer Lynn was one of the victims in the burning. I do remember however that she exhumed the grave of Malone's first love and vandalized her grave site, so his motives for homicide and arson were justified. “I don’t mind the death of my granddaughter at all.” If I had listened to him and believed him, he wouldn't have been convicted. I think I am to blame for this."
As I continued to record more information with my tape recorder, the Bishop said that Father Malone never hurt children or those who are of the Christian faith. “He did hurt Jews though, the bastards.” Even for those who prefer to go as they were to church, not dress in suits and dresses. Father Malone agreed that people dressing for church was really stupid and he always enjoyed people dressing in regular street clothes. He actually preferred people dressing in very little, especially women. God only cares about the person, not what they wore. I’m sure there are many who would disagree. That's what he abided by.
I was shocked to discover that not counting the Wicca Covenant burning incident of 1996, Father Malone has killed a total of 176 people over a course of 14 years. Seriously? Not 666? People he believes that have transgressed the laws of God, punishing and slaughtering sinners, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Pagans, Wiccans, Laveyan Satanists, etc. He’s killing Atheists, but he hasn’t gotten to little ol’ me? I’m kind of disappointed. It was also rumored to believe "Rumored to believe"? I think that's in the wrong order." that Father Malone was so sadistic, brutal, and evil, that even Satan denied him access into hell. He’s so brutal and sadistic that he’ll leave Christians alone, no matter how they dress. Malone was that much of a tyrant. Tyrant? Was he a cruel ruler? Because that’s what a tyrant is.
As the near-90-year-old Bishop was about to finish up, he pulled something out of his KJV Bible. “It was a piece of paper with a pentagram on it.” It was a photo of Father Malone. Posing with a Gothic sword and looking like a bad ass. He seems like less of a badass when you say that he’s a badass. He said this was supposed to be a gift for the church youth group but never got around to give it to them. Well, of course he wouldn’t give it to them. It makes him look like such a badass. But one thing I noticed about the primate (Bishop/head priest Why not say that instead of primate?) of The Resurrection & The Life Episcopal Church. The long-forgotten Olin Mills photo of Father Malone showed his eyes going from Jade to glowing red... and on the center of his forehead was where someone tried to do away with him by exposing him to a crucifix faded into view...A crucifix? Oh no! Ahhh! It burns my non-believing self! Nooooo!
This story is not very good. I think it was trying to go for a "Smile.dog"-style report on something supernatural, but failed miserably. Rather than try crafting something that convinces you it could be real, this story makes it pretty clear it's fake. For example, that Bishop guy showed no emotion at all. He seemed fine with his granddaughter being killed, and seemed more annoyed that Father Malone got in trouble. Also, Father Malone himself is weird. He's supposed to be this scary, brutal badass guy, but he's fine with Christians who don't dress for church? That's just such a random thing, but it makes him seem less brutal. There's also the fact that we don't know how he usually kills his victims. What does he do that's so depraved and evil? The story doesn't say. This story could've been pretty good. It had quite a bit of potential for some disturbing parts. Instead, it ends up being, at best, mediocre. What a disappointment.
So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Am I going to hell for being an Atheist? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.