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You how when you were younger, you did things you weren't proud of? I feel like that's the "Historical Archive" category of this Wiki. There's a lot of...less than satisfactory stories in that category that haven't been deleted because of their historical significance. Take the story I'm going to Riff, "Cry Baby Lane." It's in that category, and it's not very good. Why? Well, let's be unnecessarily violent and gory, and Riff this bitch.
In 1999, I was twenty-two and I had just graduated from Emerson University in downtown Boston, majoring in screenwriting, specifically in cartoons and children’s programming.
(Narrator): In 2000, when I was twenty-three, I was homeless.
My debt was pretty bad, so when Nickelodeon Studios offered me an internship at the studio in California, I accepted immediately. I jumped at the chance to get away from dead end job at Benjamin Franklin tour guide.
Many of you ask to see Cry Baby Lane but if you want to see the original Cry Baby Lane, you never will, even if Nickelodeon somehow consents to releasing it to you.
(Narrator): If you want to see a story with good spelling and grammar, you never will with this one.
You won’t be seeing what was shown on TV, and you sure as fuck won’t be seeing the original that Lauer made.
I don’t even think Nickelodeon HAS the original cut of the movie anymore, and if they do it’s in only back-up copies; if the back-up copies exist they must be locked away in some vault along with all the deleted episodes of Ren and Stimpy and the never-before-mentioned episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Considering “Squidward’s Suicide” and all its subsequent rip-offs, I’m pretty sure those SpongeBob episodes have at least been mentioned.
I’m pretty sure the director, Peter Lauer, has the original copy and it’s probably on his mantle next to his snuff films, that creepy ass fuck.
Actually, it’s on his mantle next to his porn films. His very disturbing and depraved porn films.
Anyway, I was hired in 1999 and immediately I was put on a creative production team for the movie Cry Baby Lane. It would be almost a year before the movie was due to be broadcast; all in all, it was a pretty low effort kind of thing. There were only four people on the creative team and I was the only steady one; Lauer would replace them on a whim. He said it was to keep it fresh. I thought it was because he was hiding something... and I was right.
(Narrator): He was hiding his disturbing fetishes!
We had a little over a year to make a made for TV movie - not just to write it and cast it but to film it and get it edited. Lauer didn’t work fast at all; after the first three weeks we only had the ideas for the first 15 minutes of an 85 minute movie. Lauer, even at this point, was a weirdo. He was tall and lanky, and he carried himself awkwardly - he stuttered when he talked
Yes, because stuttering automatically means you’re a weirdo. Of course.
and sometimes, when you were hunched over a piece of paper during those endless ‘brainstorming sessions,’ you’d look up and you'd catch him staring at you, smiling. He’d look away when you caught his eye, and I guess that was the creepiest part; he always looked like he had something to hide.
(Lauer): I hope no one notices the fact that I wear a thong.
The brainstorm sessions, at first, were alright. We got the premise of it down pat: two brothers unleash a demon and they get into mischief trying to get everything back to normal. Not exactly daytime Emmy stuff, but you know, it was an alright start. I thought the movie should be goofy and spooky, kind of like a Courage the Cowardly dog sort of deal. However, from the very beginning, Lauer made it clear that he wanted the film to be as scary as possible. He didn’t want it to be cheap thrills, with a good wholesome ending. He wanted to push it farther than Are You Afraid of The Dark ever dreamed of... and I guess he did.
From what I know of “Are You Afraid of the Dark”, it wasn’t that scary. So going farther than that isn’t exactly saying much.
It was about 3 weeks into production when I first noticed something: Lauer had the absolute power of persuasion over everyone else in the creative production team. No one fought him and by the third week, he was already suggesting some morbid things. I remember he said he wanted the little brother to die halfway through the movie, getting hit with a dump truck.
(Narrator): How will this help the story? (Lauer): Because dump trucks!
I immediately shot it down. I was the only one who said anything, and it stayed that way until I left the studio entirely and never came back.
At first, cannibalism and other fucked up shit was kept to jokes and tasteless comments but as time went on, it became more and more overt. I’d give him an idea (which most of the time he would end up using) like “How about the movie starts with a morbid undertaker who reads them stories,” to which he’d reply, “Yeah... and then he can cut them up into little pieces and force-feed them to his dog!”
(Narrator): Maybe we should give them a love interest. (Lauer): Yes! And then she turns out to be a sweet transvestite played by Tim Curry!
He made those jokes a few times in the early stages. Then he got serious.
Why so serious?
He’d stand up like he was Jesus or something, clear his throat loudly, and proclaim his idea. I’d be the only one to shoot it down. Every-fucking-time.
One day near the end of our brainstorming sessions, Lauer cleared his voice and stood up. We all fell silent, and looked at him, like we normally would. He stood up, and said, “Gentlemen and females, I have an idea.”
(Lauer): It involves a banana peel, a shovel, a lots and lots of lube.
I remember what he did—he paused, and looked right at me as he said, “The story will revolve around the legend of a pair of Siamese twins. Have you ever heard of the Donner Party?”
Everyone nodded, except for me. I didn’t like where the conversation was going.
“They ate themselves when it got cold. They ate each other.”
Everyone nodded again. I closed my eyes.
“What would Siamese twins do if they had nothing to eat? Would one wait until the other twin dies, then consume her own sister’s flesh? Would they claw out each other's eyes until one of them died, then dine upon them like a vulture tearing at the skin of a dead deer? I do not know. It is interesting indeed.”
(Lauer): Anyway, guys, it was just a thought that popped in my head. Let’s get back to work now.
I didn’t know what the fuck I was hearing. I opened my eyes and looked around the room; no one was fucking moving. Everyone’s eyes were on Lauer except for mine, and when I looked at him, he was still staring at me.
“Children like violence, they revel in it. Children like to be scared. So we’ll scare them, won't we, Jonny?”
(Narrator): Um, Mr. Lauer, my name is Joseph- (Lauer): SILENCE! YOU ARE NOW JOHNNY!
He leaned over the table, getting pretty damn close to my face. His breath smelt like decaying shit. I stared back at him.
“I think you're fucked up, to be honest.”
He smiled, then backed away.
“Oh, I’m fucked up alright, but you have to be fucked up to survive in this cut-throat world!” His grin expanded.
“Literally. Right now, I’m going to show you some pictures that will spark some of your imaginations.”
(Worker): Um, Mr. Lauer, why are you showing us pictures of dogs humping fire hydrants? (Lauer): Because it shall spark your imaginations!
He got up, and locked the door from the inside.
I stood up, and said, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Let’s not make any... errors in judgement, Jonathan. Sit down.”
(Lauer): Sit, boy. Roll over! Good boy!
For some reason, I did; Lauer pulled out one of those shitty overhead projectors. He turned on the switch and he speak-shouted, in an unusually high and semi-frantic voice, “This is the fucking MUSE we NEED to CONTINUE with THIS PRO-FUCKING-DUCTION! THIS IS WHAT EVERY CHILD SHOULD SEE.”
His eyes bulged in his head.
You know, if there’s ever a movie adaptation of this story, I think Lauer needs to be played by Nicholas Cage.
He put the image down on the glass surface of the overhead.
It was silent.
The image was in black and white, but it was grainy. I could vaguely make out a boy lying on a brick floor, his arms cut off and his bloody little nub black dots. The only thing that was clear was his face. He was bleeding from the mouth.
Lauer almost threw the paper off the overhead, slamming down another one.
It was a zoomed-in shot of the boy's face. It was in color. The blood trickled from his open mouth onto the brick floor, his eyes shut, grimy blood underneath his eyebrows and eyelashes. Then, his eyes opened, and I screamed.
(Lauer): Ha! Got you!
No one else in the fucking room did, and it died in infancy, the shrillness ringing in the air. The pupils were completely black. The rest of the eye was normal.
The longer I stared, the more the eyes opened, widening and widening until it looked like the skin above his eyebrows and eye sockets was going to rip in half.
Then they started to bleed.
Bleeding eyes. Wow. How original.
Blood started as a trickle, and I swear to god I could hear it. More, now it was like a full blown stream. More. More, until the brick on the floor was a lake of blood. I could hear it, like I was hiking and I came across a stream, and now I could smell the kid. I could fucking smell his rot.
I leaned underneath the table and vomited. When I rose back up, the images were gone. Everyone else in the room was expressionless. Lauer turned on the lights.
“You may go,” he said, unlocking the door.
I walked through those fucking doors, and I never came back.
This happened near the end of the brainstorming process and by the time I left the casting was done and the script was almost fully written. They were desperately behind schedule; I think Lauer planned it that way, so there wouldn’t be time for proper editing. I never watched the real thing when it aired, but I heard from a friend who was working at the editing department that they had to cut a good 15–20 minutes of ‘disturbing’ footage from the film before it was fit to be released, and it was only fit to be released. They didn’t have enough time to check the footage frame by frame.
Guess that’s why they never caught the frames of footage with those pictures taken from murderer's eye view of dead children. Wait, sorry, I’m thinking of the wrong Nickelodeon lost episode story with bleeding eyes. Oops.
I guess he got his wish, unless they cut every single scene that had the pictures in them. Every child watching Cry Baby Lane has an unconscious memory of those pictures, and I weep for them, I really do; they fucked me up, and as I write this to you, it will be last thing I'll ever write before I slit my throat and before blood spatters all over this fucking computer screen.
Oh, no, the narrator might die. The horror. Whatever will we do?
There's something I should tell you first, though.
(Narrator): I’m pregnant.
Early on, Lauer posed an idea of the two brothers capturing a squirrel, putting said squirrel in a jar, and slowly drowning it before filling the jar with sand and dropping it into the bottom of a pond. Soon after this was suggested, Sandy from SpongeBob SquarePants appeared in "Tea at the Treedome".
Lauer also suggested, in one scene of the movie, for a man with a "squid-like nose"
Translation: Dick nose
to take off his pants in front of the two boys and rape them off-camera, but heavily implied. Squidward soon appeared as a major character in SpongeBob SquarePants.
I’m blaming Lauer for “Squidward’s Suicide” then.
It was suggested that the two be stepbrothers, forced to live in the same house after the first one's mom was found dead in a shallow grave, her body heavily cannibalized by her own husband, a local weatherman. A show with the vaguely premise, Drake and Josh, started in 2004, and the stepfather is indeed a weatherman.
“Drake and Josh” had cannibalism? Wow, I wish I’d watched that when I was younger.
Lauer also suggested the younger brother have a dog-house in which he keeps various animal fetuses encased in acid that he regularly uses to poison his mother to have sex with his abusive stepfather. As Told by Ginger debuted soon after.
I’ve never heard of that show, but now I wish I had.
A man who captures the souls of children in a vacuum cleaner and sends them to Hades? Danny Phantom.
A robot who goes insane on the two brothers, kills one of them wears his skin, pretending to be the dead brother at highschool? My Life as a Teenage Robot.
The list goes on and on. Nickelodeon knows, and they're continuing the legacy of Lauer, sometimes subtly, and sometimes overtly.
With the exception of SpongeBob, all of those shows have been cancelled. So good job with that legacy continuation, Nickelodeon!
And there's nothing you and I can do about it. Do you want to see it? You got it.
It? What are you talking about? Oh, you’re talking about the video at the bottom that’s over an hour long. Oh, I love how you think I’m going to watch it. By the way, didn’t you say at the beginning of the story that no one has it? You dirty liar.
This story is not very good. It's cliché, uses way too much profanity, and isn't well-written at all. Really, the only kind of good thing about this story is Lauer. Why? Because he's funny as hell. He's just so over the top that you have to laugh. Granted, that probably wasn't the purpose of the character, but he's still a lot of fun. Other than that, there's pretty much nothing good here. The story is weird and stupid, and little is explained (why was no one else asking Lauer what in the hell was wrong with him? How come only the main character heard that river of blood? Why is Lauer still working at Nickelodeon? To name a few).
And also, let's talk about the "links" Lauer had with other shows. First, why would Nickelodeon listen to any ideas this guy has? He clearly is kind of nuts. Can he control people's minds or something? Also, I think most of these "links" are made up. Actually, I know they are. They aren't very convincing, to be honest. And finally, why include that? What was the point of these "links"? They add nothing to the story, and aren't scary. Are they there to try and provide proof that the story is real? Because that didn't work. Ugh. Whatever. Point is, this story sucks.
So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I'd see something that'd cause me to kill myself? (Actually, considering what I've Riffed, the fact that I haven't is kind of surprising) Leave your thoughts in the comments below!