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I'm doing a Riff today because I'm probably going to have problems Riffing on the weekends. So, I'm going to Riff on the weekdays, or let someone else take over the weekend Riffs until I can do it again. Maybe both.
Anyway, as for what I'm Riffing...
It's a lost episode. And rather than do anything new with it, they use the phrase "hyper-realistic." Actually, on the subject of lost episodes, a thought occured to me: why are none of them about an old, unknown TV show that was created by the government or some shady organization to send subliminal messages or use mind control to control kids? Seriously, has anyone done that? If not, somebody had better.
Now, as for the show the lost episode is based off of, "AAAAAHHHH! Real Monsters", I haven't seen it, so I don't know shit. Then again, I don't know much about Sonic, and Riffed Sonic.exe, and haven't seen Demo Reel, yet Riffed those two lost episode pastas, so I'm not quite sure that matters. But if I ignore glaring character inconsistencies, now you know why. Anyway, let's...um, something, and Riff this bitch!
One day last year, I was out with a friend shopping at garage sales, trying to find furniture for his new apartment. “I could have just went to a furniture store, but fuck it.” The day was bright and sunny, ordinary for Florida. As someone who has lived in Florida, I will say that you forgot “hot as hell” and “raining like a bitch.” When we had found all of the furniture he needed and people started to end their sales, we started driving home, when he pulled over into the yard of an elderly couple, who were still sitting by their table of things to be sold.
There were mostly ceramic statues and old books, things you would expect from people of that age, but one thing really caught my eye. “A monkey’s paw.” On the table was a box of maybe twelve movies. “They had titles like “Black Prison Girls” and “I Don’t Think That Fits In There.” I started digging through them, seeing mostly uninteresting titles starring Tom Hanks, my least favorite actor. That’s the Tom you hate? Not Tom Cruise? I was about to walk back to the truck when I noticed that one tape said “AAAH!!! Real Monsters - The Final Scare.” My heart started racing with excitement, seeing as how I had never seen this episode, and the fact that I had assumed this show had completely disappeared. And you’re going to watch it and see some weird shit. I asked the price of the tape, and the old man said he’d take ten cents for it. Dude, really? Charge the fucker a lot. He had no use for it since his grandkids were all grown and never watched the tape. At the time, I didn’t notice his odd tone of voice. “It sounded husky with lust.”
When my friend and I had returned to his new apartment, I insisted that we procrastinate on unloading the new furniture so we could watch the tape. He agreed, and put the tape into the built-in VCR on his small television. Who the fuck has a VCR anymore?
The episode started with ten seconds of static, Slender Man, stop trolling these people. then cut to the dump. In place of the normal dark colors of the beloved cartoon were almost painfully vivid hues, the most prominent of which was a disturbingly realistic blood red Ugggh., splattered over the trash and soaking into the dirt, the texture of which was more carefully drawn than normal. The soft sound of static continued in the background while the camera slowly zoomed in toward the washing machine, which was now dented, scratched, and splattered with small bits of brain matter. So that’s what Guns N Rose meant in Nighttrain when they said “flying like a space brain.” I cringed at the appearance of the familiar dump that had been warped to look so horrific.
When inside the monster academy, most seats were empty, except the spots where Krumm, Ickis, and Oblina were sitting. I know nothing about this show, and have to say that those are stupid names. Zimbo, the obnoxious monster from the episode “Ickis and the Red Zimbo” was flying around in a clumsy circle around a malicious-looking, angry Gromble, looking as though someone had stabbed him in his left wing. Well now we know why he looks angry. I’d be pissed if I were stabbed in the wing. The Gromble Not just any Gromble, but THE Gromble looked up at the trio with hyper-realistic eyes I am really, really, really starting to hate those words, his red lips twisting into a horrid grin. He held up a single finger “his middle one”, as if to indicate that he wanted the monsters around him to stop talking, which was quite unnecessary considering the fact that no one was making a sound.
“Tonight”, he hissed, ” the four of you will team up, and perform ONE FINAL SCARE. “You know it’s final because it’s CAPITALIZED.” A scare so horrifying that it will be your last. “You’ll shit yourself.” You must complete it soon, like our fallen brethren have already done. And now, a moment of silence for their fallen brethren.” He looked at the ceiling, and paused for maybe thirty seconds. “Go. Now. Now. NOW! GO GO MONSTER CREATURES!” He screamed, causing Ickis to cringe, the first sign of movement from the trio of monsters. Oblina uttered something under her breath, sounding like “Iam est vicis ut had advenio.” Translation: “Do you want to build a snowman?” Krumm nodded and added “Iam est vicis ut quondam porro in abyssus.” Translation: “Oh, shut up about that.” Ickis then shakily whispered “Iam est vicis nos must intereo.” Translation: “I personally like that song…” Zimbo laughed sadistically, “Iam nos ero terminus of plures ago!” Translation: “This is why everyone hates you!”
My friend, who had taken Latin courses in high school, whispered those phrases in English, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
The scene then cut to black for about a minute, then slowly brightened to reveal the four monsters hiding in an alley, malice in their eyes “and hunger in their teeth.”. Oblina picked up Krumm, throwing him out of the alley, under a bus, a look of genuine shock on his face. Photorealistic blood For the love of…ugggggh… splattered over the front of the bus and the streets as I watched my favorite character die Sherlock, Doctor Who, and Supernatural fans know how you feel, his eyes rolling to the feet of a small child, who began to sob. Eye don’t think he likes that. Sorry. The blood on the windshield caused the bus to swerve, hitting a young family and smashing them against the side of a large building FATALITY! as the remaining three monsters remained hidden in the alley, chuckling in an unnerving, demonic manner. Oh yes, murder of a family is funny! Oh, you freakish abominations, you’re rather funny! Ha ha ha! “Ickis, you next!” Oblina screeched enthusiastically I hope that’s how the character talks, and not a typo. The camera zoomed into the face of the small red monster, who was shaking and stuttering helplessly in fear. A single tear dropped from his eye as he hesitantly nodded. Pussy. Ickis put on his normal scary face, but the context was all wrong, making the lovable monster an unnerving beast too aware of his own fate.
Ickis then walked slowly to the center of a group of people watching an obese street mime intently. Wait, obese street mime? Why aren’t we talking about this guy? He creeped up behind the man in black and white stripes, climbing up his clothes and in a flash, RAPE! RAPE! digging his small claws through the back of the man’s skull, tearing audibly through bone and brain tissue until his now even redder hands emerged from the mime’s eyes. We who lost allies in the Great Mime Wars applaud your service, Ickus. You are a true…whatever the fuck you are. The mime fell backwards onto Ickis, and the monster’s bones could be heard crunching under the weight of the mime as the photorealistic gore splattered the crowd. Photorealistic is the same as hyper-realistic in my book. So, ugh.
The camera cut back to Oblina and Zimbo, whose laughter echoed throughout the small alley. Yes, the death of your friend is funny! “Shall we do the final honors together?” Zimbo asked. Oblina nodded.
The two walked over to a young boy who was frantically attempting to help an old woman across the street, away from this terrible scene. “This was problematic for the boy as the old lady kept beating him with her cane.” Oblina grabbed on to Zimbo and the obnoxious monster flew upwards, lifting them quickly across the street and in front of their targets. Zimbo swiftly flew down the old woman’s throat, leaving a grotesquely large lump, as the sound of small wings beating against flesh could be heard from inside. The lump that was Zimbo jerked around Zimbo, stop jerking off. uncontrollably for a moment before the sound of Zimbo’s wings silenced and the lump in the old woman’s throat stopped moving. The woman, now blue in the face, fell to the ground. “Grandma? GRANDMA?! NO! NO! NO, NO, NO!!!!” “I will avenge you, Grandma, I swear it!” the boy was screaming violently. He then began to smash his head onto the pavement, the wounds getting worse and worse until the screen faded to black. Kid, you’re a moron.
The camera cut back into the Monster Academy Pixar’s going to sue., where a blood-splattered Oblina stood in front of the Gromble, who had an evil grin on his face. Not just any grin, but an evil grin. Of evil. “Oblina, how marvellous!” He said as the scare played on the screen. “You managed to kill all of these humans, AND trick the others into a sure suicide? This is the best scare I’ve seen in decades!” Good job! You murdered your friends and innocent people! The Gromble stared at Oblina for maybe a minute, his grin only growing wider and more grotesque, before saying the words “Congratulations, valedictorian.”
When the episode ended, my friend and I stared at each other in total shock. He was shaking violently, as if having a seizure, before going still. “He died because of the stupidity.” I took this tape to the Goodwill nearest to my house. Thinking back, it was a horrible idea, No, really? since I would never wish this episode on anyone. So if you’re the unfortunately nostalgic person to find this tape, burn it. Don’t you watch Marble Hornets? Telling someone to burn the tapes means that they’ll watch it. I wouldn’t want you to suffer from these horrid nightmares I’ve been having lately… “They involve a Satanic Sonic…”
This...this story sucks. Rather than try and do anything new or interesting with the lost episode, it devolves into your stereotypical lost episode pasta. Massive death? Check. Characters being cruelly out of character? Check. Hyper-realism? Unfortunately, check. Wait, I'm not quite right. They did do something new: they made the main character a dick. Yeah, he donates this evil episode that made his friend have a seizure of sorts TO A GOODWILL, the place most people who can't afford much go to to shop. Good going, dickweed. Now, some might say that maybe the character isn't always a dick, to which I'll say: "How can you tell?" The main character isn't well developed (also a staple of lost episodes), and we don't know much about him. Also, what's with the untranslated Latin? It would be creepier if we knew what it mean. Point is, this story is garbage.
What do you think? Was this story good? Bad? Was the Riff any good? Do you wish that I would be killed by Latin-speaking monsters? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.