Edit: I would like feedback even if you didn't like this one. I take constructive complaints.
A new review I worked really hard on. Part of a series of comedic reviews I call, "Critique-Pastas".
Which you can see here http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:Alstinson/My_Critiques
I am the Great Alstinsono! For a small price, I can predict your future! Welcome! Welcome! What is your name, new traveler? No, let me answer. Your name is...? Jeff! Ha Ha Ha! Dumb reference. Hey, not that I can't predict it, but what is your real name?
"I AM THE GREAT RONWE! THE REAL KNOWER OF ALL!" The great, what? Oh, Jesus! More competition! Look pal, I hardly make anything off this carnival, so if you could just-
"20:30." Huh? "YOU MAKE $20:30 WEEKLY. YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S PRETTY PATHETIC." How did you-? "THE GREAT RONWE KNOWS ALL! AND NO, I DIDN'T SPEAK TO YOUR BOSS."
That's amazing! You shouldn't waste this as some circus act! Go improve the world! "DON'T WORRY, THE GREAT RONWE PUTS THIS POWER TO GOOD USE!" Good. What do you do with it?
"I USE IT TO ANTAGONIZE PEOPLE... AND KILL THEM OFF! IMPRESSED? TERRIFIED? C'MON LET'S HEAR IT!"
Try, disappointed. "WHAT?! OH, YOU MUST NOT HAVE THE IMPACT OF MY AWESOME TERROR! LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF MY WORK!"
One drawn out story later:
"THUS PROVING YOU CAN'T OUTWIT, THE GREAT RONWE! I'LL JUST CHANGE THINGS, ANYWAY! DAMN FOOLS! HA HA HA! HEY-! HEY I PREDICT THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY STORY!" Really? You had to "predict" that? "I DON'T UNDERSTAND-! AND, YET I MUST."
You had a decent setup and idea, but it falls hard when potential is shoved aside to tell a finished story, with no real effort put in. "HOW COULD I SCREW UP A DECENT STORY?! I AM THE GREAT RONWE!" Want to find out? Let's predict where your story went wrong! "OH! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN ONE!" This, is 20 Questions! That's the problem, it's not. "(WHINES)"
The story begins nearly directionless, and focuses on the life of our main character. He's a lonely bachelor who's isolated himself as a recluse. As such, he's addicted to the internet. Heh- heh. Doesn't sound familiar.
"RONWE KNOWS, A LITTLE TOO WELL!" Shut up!
One of the things that he finds himself doing, are 20 Question themed personality quizes. Admittedly, that's subtly placed. It feels natural and not shoved in your face. Even if you can tell from the title that's where the story's going.
"THANK YOU, SUBTLETY IS MY MIDDLE NAME!" Really? What's your last? "RONWE." What?! Then, what's your first? "THE GREAT." So your name is-? "YEP, THE GREAT SUBT-" Back to the story!
Also, though I hate to boost your ego, the "life of the character" beginning is actually entertaining, and relatable. The storytelling here does get you, to want to be invested. "THANKS, I-" Wait Ronwe! Until you realize this beginning is merely a buildup mechanism!
"AAAAAAH! YOU SAW THROUGH MY RUSE!" This cliche that I'm beginning to notice time and again can be used in good stories, but frequents bad ones. It's a formula that uses the main character's life as setup. To give a fake sense of quality, they simply write that setup well. "IT'S A CLICHE? NO WAY, IT'S A SMART FAKEOUT! WHO HERE IS AS GOOD A FAKEOUT AS THE GREAT-"
Necrosleep, Just Another Night and Laughing Jack!
"THE GREAT RONWE IS FEELING LOW. (SLAMS HEAD ON DESK)"
The subtle bait, once taken shows the story is about this generic Akinator website called, "The Great Ronwe." ("I HATE YOU SO MUCH.") It's a 20 Questions website that wants to predict the right answers to all the rhetorical questions it asks. Also the character, "Ronwe" is an excited brat, about it . So yeah, AKINATOR!
"LIKE TO SEE ONE OF YOUR STORIES." I don't have a lame stor- "(SNAPS FINGER)"
Don't give them that link! Don't click that! Moving on!
The main character, who's interested in- no too generous. Who is GLUTTON for this kind of time wasting, plays along. As he does, he realizes the game knows him too well, questions seem to know him too personally.
"YES, SEE! RONWE KNOWS ALL! WHAT COULD BE SCARIER?" Let's just see how well you use it, Ronwe. "ARE YOU STILL CHALLENGING ME?" Silence, Ronwe! This is your session! "RONWE NEEDS NO SESSION!" Well you came to me! I'm the fortune teller now.
The game starts to ask him about his surroundings, and suggests things he knows aren't true. Is your apartment dark? Are you out of light bulbs? The character finds these things have changed for the Almighty game's favor.
Okay. This isn't really shaming, if the "all knowing" Ronwe had to change physics! It ruins the intimidation the website is going for. It's just cheating! Your slogan should be, "Ronwe cheats all!"
When asked about the light bulbs, our main character ALMOST proves Ronwe wrong. Though Ronwe changed the outcome, for the most part, he considerably left him one light bulb. Overjoyed by this, the character celebrates his victory by throwing away his common sense... along with the light bulb.
You've got to be kidding!
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!"
Wow. You had the chance to show this, "all knower" wrong, a perfectly sensible chance, and you throw it away so senselessly. I don't know what's worse, the laughably lazy writing, or the blatant easy writing!
"AT LEAST THE POINT THAT, THE GREAT RONWE KNOWS ALL, GETS ACROSS!" Against, this guy? A toddler would be always right!
Ronwe goes on to tell the character, seemingly out of 20 Questions format, what a loser he is. And that his shame is why he's killing him off.
"THE BRILLIANT COMMENTARY SURELY SAYS SOMETHING, RIGHT? IT DISCOURAGES PEOPLE FROM LIVING PATHETIC LIVES." Ronwe, I'm surprised you understood that. No, just because that's what you're saying, doesn't make it good.
"SENSITIVE JERK! MY MESSAGE IS BRILLIANT, AND RONWE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! WHERE IS YOUR VALID ARGUMENT HERE? WHERE-?!"
You're not subtle. "WAIT, WHAT?" You don't convey anything. This message could've been thought provoking and interesting in a story which is smart at SHOWING it! Here, you say it word for word, as if it's your personal feelings, and killing off this character is blowing steam. But really, saying that is giving you too much. You are trying to justify lazy writing, by trying to sound deep in the wrap up. Ronwe, either you don't know shit, or it's ALL you know!
The "Great in his own words", Ronwe finishes up by asking the character if he's gonna die tonight. The character describes the, "Jaws of Death" being the last thing he sees.
2 things I want to ask at once. 1. Is the Grim Reaper working for, or is he Ronwe? Both things are hard to think about. 2. I guess the main character told this story from a Ouija Board. As a ghost, he should consider writing, because he has potential.
It's not the worst Creepypasta I've read by any means, but it's just blatantly bad! I guess I'm so mad because despite having good materiel with the setup, it's just another piece of trash in the pile. I was binge reading, looking for good stories, and this just happened to be the trashpiece that broke the camel's back! There are more bad Creepypasta than good, and that sucks because Creepypasta can be amazing! I got invested by the subtle beginning, but the result is a bored regret. The story is annoying, arrogant and has dumb inconsistencies! And the climax is laughable enough to ruin any of that subtle or interesting atmosphere the story was, "going for". A lazy project that's bad, but not terrible. What really irks me, again is the disappointment! Back to the binge marathon! 5/10
Well Ronwe, I hope I've enlightened you as to why your writing isn't as "Great", as you think it is. "I GUESS I HAVE SOME CATCHING UP TO DO BEFORE I BECOME "GREAT", AGAIN! I'M GOING DRINKING! ALSTINSON, YOU COMING?" No, I have some errands to run, now that my shifts over. "I'M BUYING!" Be right there! "RONWE KNEW, SOMEHOW!" Know any designated drivers? "YEAH, THE GRIM REAPER, ACTUALLY. IRONIC, HUH?"
Original Story: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/20_Questions