I remember. I remember things. I remember concepts. I remember these little fragments of my life. I remember what they meant to me, but I fail to garner any reason beyond that. I fail to understand the true brevity of such.
And this. This is where I am. This is where I walk. This little path, overlooking a tide of darkness. But I attempt to follow it to the end. I attempt to follow it toward whatever truth I can garner. I attempt to find the truth behind the lies; I attempt to understand the ideas behind the darkness.
And rationalize such. Yes. Rationalize. That was always something that mattered to me. I had to rationalize everything; I had to understand how to rationalize things. I had to understand what it even meant to be a rationalist. For, everything what we can dissect?
Every day it was the same. Get up. Eat breakfast. Take a shower. Go to work. Just these little simple things that drive us in life, these little things that we take for granted. The little creature comforts we can garner from our everyday schedule. But they become mundane after ten years, the same papers I would file for the same crooked politician.
I would help him come up with ways to cheat the people. I would tell him what to say, I would tell him how he could identify the truth, how he could transpire fate and use such truth to his own advantage. He would manipulate the truth and lies together- intertwine them and mesh them together. And I would be his willing lapdog, willing to take commands.
I hated him. I hated him so much. I would have done anything to escape from that malevolent presence. From the deepest, the most conceited hatred within me, the most grandiose feelings of anger within me. But I did it for one person. I did it for my son. I wanted him to be able to get into the best colleges. To be able to go to wherever he wished. I wanted the world to be all about him. I wanted life to be all for him- the world to be his bastion, my arms his sanctuary. But it was never that simple.
My son died today. He had brain cancer for the last three years. Before that he was fine, perfect in fact. He always did everything I asked him to. He did perfectly in school. He did everything that was conceivable. And yet, fate had grasped him and removed what I had given him. Life and aspirations. Goals, dreams, desires. All taken away in a single swipe.
My wife abandoned me after seeing my son die. She believed that not only was there no reason to be with me, but that all hope in her had been extinguished. She gave up. She abandoned me for the lull of death. She abandoned me because it seemed so pleasant, and so that could she could be with our son again.
More lies. She was afraid of knowing that death was on the horizon. She was afraid of knowing that life was on the horizon- a life with more cascades and torrents. A life with more torment, and a life with more fear. A life that would perpetuate itself only in the depths of fear- the very worst images and ideas inserted into our identity from events.
And I am no different. I am no different than anybody. Given the chance I did the same. I was weak. And now, I walk the road above darkness. A road without light. A road without hope. A road that is so bleak. A road that in itself is unknown. Fear never leaves, does it?