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  • Hey ya'll at the writer's workshop, I promise to try harder with my pastas...starting now. It DOES look cliche. A 'haunted' doll does seem like an overused trope. But i'm going to put a little salt and pepper into it. Heck, even salsa. Enjoy the pasta...

    For as long as I can remember, when I was a younger child, I always carried a harmless little doll around with me. I loved it, I took care of it, like all children do...but, there is a time where that tresured belonging of yours no longer means anything to you. Well, now I'm 36...and that doll led me to ultimate disaster.When I was around 15 years old, I had found the doll underneath my dresser, covered in dust and underneath baby clothes. "My doll!" I exclaim out in cheer. Upon touching it's dusty surfuce, I feel a soft squish as I gently push on it. It gave me so much nostalgia.

    The doll wasn't damaged, and it didn't look much different: The hair was tattered though, and some of the dust permanently stained one of it's eyes. What a shame, but that's okay. I promise to never leave this doll alone again. Well, over time, I grew closer and closer to it. But...my family found it unsettling. How do they not remember?

    Her name is Evelyn. Of course, to me, she is a normal girl. At least...that's what I had thought. Eve is a great friend to me, and understands me through any situation or problem. One day, while going down to dinner, my Parents had looked at me like they'd had enough. "Haniyah, if you don't get rid of that doll, we're going to destroy it," my mother said.

    After this argument, after Evelyn experienced all of that, she gave me a genious idea. "W̸̯̭̅-̷̘̹̍ẘ̴̥ḧ̵̲́-̵̲̚w̸̽͜h̵̗̩͛ä̸͎́t̴̠̩͝ ̸̪̄͗î̶̦͖͝f̶̩́ ̸̢͇͐̇y̷͍̣͐͝ȏ̶̥͒ú̵̝ ̸͍͊͗ͅj̵̳̆̀ͅư̴̠̥̈s̴̡͑͊t̸̮̩͛̃-̷̨͎̃͠ ̴͓̂͋k̸͍̟͌ï̴͉l̶̼͛l̸̲̀̇ ̴̾̾͜ẏ̴̧̢́o̸̹͜͠-̸̩̂u̶̡̔̕r̷͎͌̓͜ ̵̫̉p̶̧̈a̵͔̥͠ř̴̦ȇ̸̢̼-̷̭̰̈́n̴̥͌̑t̸̗͌̋s̸̳͒͝?̷̫̀" Which is brilliant. Later in the night, with an old chainsaw that I found in my closet, I had dissembled my parents, cut off their hair, and put their eyeballs in a jar. Later, the police had arrived to my house and arrested me.

    I woke up in a white room, when they asked me a simple question: "Why did you do this?" Of course, I answered truthfully. "Evelyn told me to do it. You know, the small doll?" The police officer gives me a silent look. "...Did she run away?" With a hesitant response, they say: "I'm sorry, there was no doll. You have Schiezopherina."

    End, looks like it. I'm kinda scared after writing this, especially at 12:00am...spoopy. Also sorry if the ending is sudden, I usually don't know how to end stories.

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    • Spelling and Grammar Issues: This one has quite a few for such a short story. First off, always remember to create a new paragraph everytime someone speaks. "For as long as I can remember, when I was a younger child, I always carried a harmless little doll around with me." I would get rid of the "For as long as I can remember" part. "I loved it, I took care of it, like all children do" would work better if it were "I loved it and took care of it, like all children do." Which leads us to " I loved it, I took care of it, like all children do...but" remember, ellipsis is three periods and a space. "that doll led me to ultimate disaster.When" you forgot the space after the period. "When I was around 15 years old, I had found the doll" the word "had" is pretty pointless. "and it didn't look much different: The hair" the word "The" didn't need to be capitalized. "my Parents" "parents" does not need to be capitalized.

      Plot Issues: As you said, haunted dolls have become an over used cliche. Unfortunately at this point there is nothing anyone can add or come up with to make the concept fresh again. The irony is that in the attempt to make a non-cliche story, you added a whole bunch of cliches (see below). The story itself is pretty lacking in content. Ok so your main character had a doll, got to the age when she didn't care about it anymore, then when she found it she was super excited. Why? "my family found it unsettling. How do they not remember?" remember what, the doll? I don't think you ever elaborate on this. Then your character's mother threatens to destroy the doll which brings us to a cluster of cliches (see cliche list below). Your character nonchalantly listens to the doll's command to kill her family (thinking nothing of it) and somehow the police find out about it.

      Cliches: First off, we have the evil doll which we already established. Having distorted text is a cliche. Then we have the main character killing her family which is a big no no as it is one of the many Jeff the Killer cliches. Next we have the murder-by-chainsaw cliche. Then you end the story with your character being arrested (cliche) and finding out the whole thing was just a hallucination (also a cliche).

      The biggest problem with this story is the ending itself. The main character's family wants her to get rid of the doll, but it turns out there is no doll. So did she hallucinate the entire thing and kill her family for no reason? The final line, while trying to add horror to the story, only destroys it.

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    • Well you could just make it a story about a person with a regular doll who has Schizophrenia and ends up nearly killing someone because in their delirious mind the doll is prompting them too. You'd have to make the schizophrenia very convincing though, which will require some research on your behalf.

      You could also have a story where the person is sure that their doll is some monster and goes as far as to harm themselves for failing this doll. Think of a person throwing themselves on their back on the floor because in their mind the doll punched them. This again would require to look up how delirium works.

      You can also have a regular psychopathic killer who claims a doll forced them to kill. Like an interview with the killer when he's in prison and the interviewer is unaware he's being told false information until after the interview it's revealed that the killer enjoys lying to people.

      Something like that, the doll doesnt have to be a real character; merely a plot device. It does not need to be the focal point of the story.

      Your English, on top of it all, needs some work too, your tenses are a tad bit jumpy and it ruins the immersion.

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    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      Spelling and Grammar Issues: This one has quite a few for such a short story. First off, always remember to create a new paragraph everytime someone speaks. "For as long as I can remember, when I was a younger child, I always carried a harmless little doll around with me." I would get rid of the "For as long as I can remember" part. "I loved it, I took care of it, like all children do" would work better if it were "I loved it and took care of it, like all children do." Which leads us to " I loved it, I took care of it, like all children do...but" remember, ellipsis is three periods and a space. "that doll led me to ultimate disaster.When" you forgot the space after the period. "When I was around 15 years old, I had found the doll" the word "had" is pretty pointless. "and it didn't look much different: The hair" the word "The" didn't need to be capitalized. "my Parents" "parents" does not need to be capitalized.

      Plot Issues: As you said, haunted dolls have become an over used cliche. Unfortunately at this point there is nothing anyone can add or come up with to make the concept fresh again. The irony is that in the attempt to make a non-cliche story, you added a whole bunch of cliches (see below). The story itself is pretty lacking in content. Ok so your main character had a doll, got to the age when she didn't care about it anymore, then when she found it she was super excited. Why? "my family found it unsettling. How do they not remember?" remember what, the doll? I don't think you ever elaborate on this. Then your character's mother threatens to destroy the doll which brings us to a cluster of cliches (see cliche list below). Your character nonchalantly listens to the doll's command to kill her family (thinking nothing of it) and somehow the police find out about it.

      Cliches: First off, we have the evil doll which we already established. Having distorted text is a cliche. Then we have the main character killing her family which is a big no no as it is one of the many Jeff the Killer cliches. Next we have the murder-by-chainsaw cliche. Then you end the story with your character being arrested (cliche) and finding out the whole thing was just a hallucination (also a cliche).

      The biggest problem with this story is the ending itself. The main character's family wants her to get rid of the doll, but it turns out there is no doll. So did she hallucinate the entire thing and kill her family for no reason? The final line, while trying to add horror to the story, only destroys it.

      I didn't know about these cliches, so thank you.

      Honestly, I stayed up for 48 hours and was at the peak of exhaustion while making this, so i'll make it better if i ever continue...

      Essentially, what I wanted to do was her becoming so insane that she HEARD her parents talk about the doll, but in reality they never saw it at all.

      Was probably SUPER onto caffiene with the whole "doll" thing. It's very stupid now that I wake up, but not like I had other ideas. The final line is less scary, but in the mist of the moment I had thought it was great, as a plot twist, and to scare myself less...i'm jumpy as hell. (wait then why are you on thi-) but essentially, I came here to get praise, however that's not what I had gotten, and instead I got people to help me, so thanks for that.

      Overall, you are right in almost every way, my fault.

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    • A FANDOM user
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