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  • Three little girls, Sat on a wall, One fell off, And had a great fall, Her eyes got stabbed out, On some old rusty pipes, This dead little girl, Has lost her sight.

    Two little girls, Sat on a wall, One girl was shot, And fell off the wall, The gunshot was loud, And had broken her ears, This dead little girl, Can no longer hear.

    One little girl, Jumped off the wall, A branch slit her throat, Down on the fall, The dead little girl, Drowned in her blood, Can no longer speak, And made nothing but a thud.

    No little girls, Sat on the wall, And no longer live, All of them gone, Their body's not found, They were not put to rest, They wander the town, They wander the town, At night when it's best.

    "oh dear, oh dear, where is my sight" Said the dead little girl, the pipes still in her eyes.

    Do not make a sound, Run away if you can, Or else she will hunt you, Till the day you are dead.

    "Oh dear, oh dear, Why can't I hear?" Said the dead little girl, Who was one you should fear. Stay out of her sight, Hide if you must, Or she will hunt you, And make you, "One of us"

    The third dead little girl, Can not make a sound, She is very tricky, Stay out of her surround, Make sure you are quite, Please don't be seen, For she is not nice, she is oh so mean.

    Three little girls, Covered in red, They are no longer alive, But surely not dead.

    Stay inside at night, Or you will die, They are not at rest, And they will lie, To make sure they take, back what they lost, For the little girls do know, What senses they've all lost.

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    • Spelling and Grammar Issues: First off, when you're doing poetry paragraphs should be seperated at rhymes. For example "Three little girls, Sat on a wall, One fell off, And had a great fall" should be

      "Three little girls, Sat on a wall,
      One fell off, And had a great fall"

      Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: There is quite a few grammar issues. There are quite a few capitalization issues: some words are unnecessarily capitalizaed, and some words (i.e. the first O in "oh dear, oh dear, where is my sight") need to be capitalized.

      Plot Issues: Violence does not necessarily mean "creepy", especially when the violence is pointless. Having the main characters sit on a wall is reminiscent of Humpty Dumpty which makes it even less creepy (at least in my opinion). The little girls die, yet you say they lost their sight, hearing, and voice. Being dead, they've lost those anyway.

      Plot Issues Continued: The deaths are unrealistic and unbelievable. First of all, where were they that there were sharp, rusty pipes within inches of them? A gunshot cannot "break" someone's ears, and unlikely to defean someone with average hearing. As for the final death, it would take a lot for a tree branch to slash someone's throat.

      Plot Issues Continued: You say that the girl who has lost her sight will hunt you if you make a sound. It's pretty hard to be scared of someone who cannot even see you. On the second to last paragraph you say "But surely not dead." Then why did you say they died? If they are zombies or ghosts or whatever then they are undead. Then at the Very end you said "For the little girls do know, What senses they've all lost." when apparently they do know.

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    • Ned Wolfkin,

      Well stated and precisely on.

      CreepyCatGirl,

      It comes of as a creepypasta parody of Humpty Dumpty. People don't even try to have suspension of disbelief in a parody of a nursery rhyme. They wonder what joke will pop out of nowhere next. We just wait for the King's horses to get their chance to put the girls back together again.

      Dr. Bob

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    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Ned Wolfkin,

      Well stated and precisely on.

      CreepyCatGirl,

      It comes of as a creepypasta parody of Humpty Dumpty. People don't even try to have suspension of disbelief in a parody of a nursery rhyme. They just wonder what joke will pop out of nowhere next. We just wait for the King's horses to get their chance to put the girls back together again.

      Dr. Bob

      Thank you.

      Also that bit about the King's horses made me laugh.

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    • Its definitely a creepypasta parody of Humpty Dumpty, I don't see this flying with the QS even if it had impecable grammar.

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    • Bloody Spaghetti,

      That's an interesting question you bring up. Could a parody creepypasta make QS? I'm thinking of Alice in Wonderland as a hypothetical example. It's been public domain for like a century yet everyone knows of it and probably read it at least once. Much of that story could easily turn very creepy and horribly dark. Even nursery rhymes often have a very dark core. Being a blind mouse and getting your tail cut off is pretty nasty. When you explore the real meaning of the story, they get even darker.

      https://www.education.com/magazine/article/hidden_history_of_nursery_rhymes/

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    • well, taking the meaning of the story or poem and making it your own... that works, and is allowed, I speak from experience. This however, it feels like she made a "creepy" version of Humpty Dumpty, it's not exactly creepy, it's just odd and not exactly original (since people make up a humpty dumpty sort of nursery all the time). 

      If anything, just write a creepy poem, can't think of a deep meaning? go for a fictional story in the form of a poem. There are songs like this that gained a lot of following. 

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    • Bloody Spaghetti,

      You are right. This piece is not close to making QS. My question was a general one for my own edification. What about taking the style, form and some of the phrasing of a famous work, so we start off in something familiar and hang a left to the dark side?

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    • I think that is possible for as long as you add your own content to it. Both me and Helel did it more than once, Banned recently posted something on the workshop with a German poem. So as long as you give a majority of original content around the "quotes" you are going to be fine

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    • A FANDOM user
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