Spelling and Grammar Issues: First off, when you're doing poetry paragraphs should be seperated at rhymes. For example "Three little girls, Sat on a wall, One fell off, And had a great fall" should be
"Three little girls, Sat on a wall, One fell off, And had a great fall"
Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: There is quite a few grammar issues. There are quite a few capitalization issues: some words are unnecessarily capitalizaed, and some words (i.e. the first O in "oh dear, oh dear, where is my sight") need to be capitalized.
Plot Issues: Violence does not necessarily mean "creepy", especially when the violence is pointless. Having the main characters sit on a wall is reminiscent of Humpty Dumpty which makes it even less creepy (at least in my opinion). The little girls die, yet you say they lost their sight, hearing, and voice. Being dead, they've lost those anyway.
Plot Issues Continued: The deaths are unrealistic and unbelievable. First of all, where were they that there were sharp, rusty pipes within inches of them? A gunshot cannot "break" someone's ears, and unlikely to defean someone with average hearing. As for the final death, it would take a lot for a tree branch to slash someone's throat.
Plot Issues Continued: You say that the girl who has lost her sight will hunt you if you make a sound. It's pretty hard to be scared of someone who cannot even see you. On the second to last paragraph you say "But surely not dead." Then why did you say they died? If they are zombies or ghosts or whatever then they are undead. Then at the Very end you said "For the little girls do know, What senses they've all lost." when apparently they do know.
It comes of as a creepypasta parody of Humpty Dumpty. People don't even try to have suspension of disbelief in a parody of a nursery rhyme. They wonder what joke will pop out of nowhere next. We just wait for the King's horses to get their chance to put the girls back together again.
It comes of as a creepypasta parody of Humpty Dumpty. People don't even try to have suspension of disbelief in a parody of a nursery rhyme. They just wonder what joke will pop out of nowhere next. We just wait for the King's horses to get their chance to put the girls back together again.
Also that bit about the King's horses made me laugh.
That's an interesting question you bring up. Could a parody creepypasta make QS? I'm thinking of Alice in Wonderland as a hypothetical example. It's been public domain for like a century yet everyone knows of it and probably read it at least once. Much of that story could easily turn very creepy and horribly dark. Even nursery rhymes often have a very dark core. Being a blind mouse and getting your tail cut off is pretty nasty. When you explore the real meaning of the story, they get even darker.
well, taking the meaning of the story or poem and making it your own... that works, and is allowed, I speak from experience. This however, it feels like she made a "creepy" version of Humpty Dumpty, it's not exactly creepy, it's just odd and not exactly original (since people make up a humpty dumpty sort of nursery all the time).
If anything, just write a creepy poem, can't think of a deep meaning? go for a fictional story in the form of a poem. There are songs like this that gained a lot of following.
You are right. This piece is not close to making QS. My question was a general one for my own edification. What about taking the style, form and some of the phrasing of a famous work, so we start off in something familiar and hang a left to the dark side?
I think that is possible for as long as you add your own content to it. Both me and Helel did it more than once, Banned recently posted something on the workshop with a German poem.
So as long as you give a majority of original content around the "quotes" you are going to be fine