The way this story is written is a little weird because of how I first had most of it written on paper while the rest was written digitally. So, if the story starts to feel a little unfinished down the line, it's because of how I wrote the rest of it from scratch unlike the beginning parts of it and I'm looking for feedback on how to improve it as a whole. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The joyous, jolly, chattering of my now drunken mates (from the rum we’d taken from our former encounter) raged on through the wooden walls of the ship while I pondered alone within the captain’s quarters. Stuck wondering what my next entry in my diary should be with only a candle to light up the formerly dark room. Oh how brave you’d think a man like me was, leading a band of pirates on a conquest for riches. A chance for another go at life. But, all good must come to an eventual end. I am but a perfect man. Especially on these seas, I am nothing but a man wondering what to write within his diary. Ideas came and left, but none stuck, like guests at a party within my mind.
What about our fierce, raging, ambush upon the former ship we’d come to purloin? No no, too similar to yesterday. Repetition would be dull and is but the duty of a writer. In case anything were to happen to me or my crew, I wanted a legacy to be left behind, even if it would go undiscovered for years to come. My name, Joseph Andrew Bernon, would be known as the name of the fierce pirate whom threw away his title of nobility for another gamble at life; a free one, one where he would decide whom he wanted to become. Sadly I was blank on what to write, eventually distracted by my own thoughts. The room had been oh so dark, a darkness that dared to rival even the night skies. I looked out my window, seeing nothing but a dark cloud from above. These seas are so strange. The dark, looming, cloud that had hovered over us since what I assume was the dawn of yesterday. It felt as if we hadn’t gone anywhere. The thing in particular that had shocked me was the fact that there’d been no signs of a storm beforehand or even now, it was just there.
A cloudy day? Possibly, but clouds this dark and endless? Nothing like I’ve ever seen. These seas just feel so… lonely. It’s like you could scream for help and no man for miles could hear you. No signs of marine life, abandoned from civilization, and a feeling of being stranded in the Atlantic. All at the same time, the sea felt very unwelcoming, as if the sea itself have been watching, if not, threatening us! I fear imminent doom may be upon us.
All of it would become obstructed by the dark cloud as it became darker than before, hidden by the dark shadows of the night with it followed by a sudden, thick, misty fog. Then I saw it.
Visions. Oh so horrible visions.
My fellow crew mates, who’d formerly been jolly drunkards, had now either been on watch or asleep. What struck me as odd was the fear in the faces of the ones who’d been keeping watch. I didn’t understand his fear until I saw it myself. One-by-one my men had been dragged by… something, off to the depths below. Each screaming in horror, when the sudden realization hit them, but it was too late by the time it had. All of them, helpless to fight back, struck with fear, and the inability to make a single sound, as if the mist had completely blocked us out from the outside world and even one another.
My men who’d been dragged knew full well they’d be taken to a place with no return. Somewhere far below us. They tried to scream, but couldn’t. They tried to shout for help, they couldn’t. Only their captain could hear their horrific, agonizing screams that felt like nails on a chalkboard. The others remained clueless, but I knew. There had been but one sound that we all could hear, a simple sound that echoed throughout our entire ship.
A knock. One that had echoed throughout my entire ship. A sound we could all hear which was followed by a disturbing silence after each heavy, wooden, tap.
My entire body turned cold, because I knew it would be me next.
My heart was racing so incredibly fast, it felt at any moment it would completely give halt. It was waiting. Right outside my door, causing me to spring up from my seat and back into reality.
All but a nightmare. My mind calmed, yet my body had still felt as if it were in danger. I looked down towards my messy desk, flintlock on the left and ink on the right, in which I had seen where I’d stopped writing, but it hadn’t concerned me. How could such a nightmare feel so real? Was it even real at all? The candle I had once lit up, was now put out. My anxieties brimmed within me in the cold darkness, the lullaby of the rocking ship being the only sound. Until it was followed by yet another sound. The same heavy, wooden knock. Who knew such a common sound could send such shivers up my spine? It was a feeling I hadn’t felt since childhood, looking out into the endless blue as my imagination explored what horrors lurked below. Now here I was, knowing it was a horror I couldn’t have imagined. Another thought occurred to me, my men had still been out there, suffering while I was stricken with fear much like theirs. The men who followed and fought for me, as I vowed to protect regardless of whatever danger it was. It was my duty as captain to take such a risk for them and for myself. I’d never forgive myself if I couldn’t at least be by their side when they’d die. My hand shook as I reached for the flintlock, sitting peacefully on my desk. Even if it wasn’t enough to stop such a creature, I needed some way to defend myself. Except, I wasn’t going out there planning to kill it with just a mere flintlock, no no. I’ll need to maneuver my way to the lower decks where the canons are with whatever crew I had left, and put an end to this madness, if we even could.
Shooting up from my desk, gun in hand, I approached the door only to stop in front of it, fearing what could’ve been on the opposing side. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Bursting out the door, I made my way to the upper deck spotting my fear stricken crew mates that had yet to be taken.
“Aye, men! Man the cannons! We’re not going down without a fight!” I shouted.
No response. They looked over towards me, clueless as to what I’d been saying. It seems it wasn’t only within the dream, we couldn’t make a sound in reality either. Instead with my crew mates attention, I gestured towards the lower deck in which they immediately understood. One by one, the men raced to the lower deck while the creatures head rose out of the water partially obstructed by the mist but still visible. It was hideous. Oh so hideous, Eyes scaled its body from top to bottom with its jaw completely dislocated. If it hadn’t been for its ugly face, it could’ve been uncannily similar to a human being. It’s arms had been like a human’s but it’s hands had double the amount of fingers a human had, alongside multiple arms across its body with perhaps even more below.
I’d been frozen, completely shocked as to what I was seeing.
A tremendous bang sound had gone off, only for the creature to follow up with a horrific shriek. It was that of a woman’s, yet at the same time nothing like it. It was inhumane and gut-wrenching to say the least. Snapping me out of my trance with the horrific sound, I scurried below-deck out of fear. The crew of five that had been left behind had already blasted the creature once, which is likely what caused such a sound. I had planned to signal for them to shoot again, until something had yanked me down to the ground and started to pull me towards my impending doom. I tried to release myself from its grasp, pulling and tugging but it was much too strong. I’d even tried shouting for help, but nothing came to form. It had been one of the fingers of the creature pulling me up, with its teeth grasping at my ankle as it spewed a red liquid.
My eyes widened at such a disgusting sight, why would god create such an abomination? With that, I raised the flintlock to the creature in front of me and pulled the trigger, causing its hand to fully retract and leave me toppling back down to the bottom. With my now injured leg, I grunted but stood while leaning against the wall as my crew fired once more. Making the creature make yet another horrific shriek that grew more and more distant as it echoed until it had become completely silent.
My fellow men had gone quiet and all had faces of uncertainty when they were met with the silence. One of them had come to help tend to my injury, while the others stared out through the windows of the ship.
One questioned another as to what to do next, while the one next to him responded with a shrug.
“Take me above-deck.” I asked the man who’d been tending to my wound. He nodded with hesitation, before we both stood with my arm wrapped around his neck as support and his hand grasping it. We both made our way up the stairs at a slow pace, step-by-step. Until the daylight hit both our faces. In that moment we both walked up those steps, I knew our victory was temporary and should be savored as the seas have decided to spare the rest of us just this once as it watched from below.
After all that, I finally understood what it took to be captain and that this was only a true taste of it.
Spelling and Grammar Issues: For the most part, the spelling and grammar are actually good. However there are a few problems. Some paragraphs are stuck to the bottom of their predecessors. "Oh so hideous, Eyes scaled" either that comma should be a period, or "Eyes" should not be capitalized. You left a double space before "We’re not going down without a fight!".
Plot Issues: Before addressing any plot issues, I do have to say that I find the idea for a pirate-themed Creepypasta to be refreshing. It certainly isn't something we see everyday, very unique. Now on to the plot problems. I feel that a lot of this is just filler, especially the dream sequence. Although it is a good story, I'm not really sure if it works as a Creepypasta.
This story has issues, but I'm not going to go into all of them. Suffice it to say that it needs work, but it has a great deal of potential.
The number one change that will improve the overall quality is the consideration of parallel structure. In this context, that mostly means tense. You mix and match past, present, and even occasionally future tense, which makes the story difficult to follow.
Badonkadonkus wrote: How do you think I could make it more of a Creepypasta?
That's a pretty hard question to answer as there is no right way to write a Creepypasta. (Note that I originally said "no right way or wrong way" but, yeah, there are wrong ways to write Creepypastas.)
In my opinion, it needs to have less filler and more horror.
What I would do (and please note that I'm not really smart enough for this to be a mostly-agreeable statement) is
1) make a small biographical paragraph about the main character.
2) Add some kind of build up.
3) Possibly let the main character hear about the monster a little bit before it comes.
4) Make us fear the monster before it comes so that when it finally does arrive we are just as afraid of it as the main character and his crew.
So your character is basically the manly man hero who does not have any actual fear or emotion for that matter? It's highly unrelatable and rather flat. You need to make me feel for this guy, I can't care about someone's suffering if they don't really suffer. Make the characters come of as real.
Imagine yourself in the captain's boots - how would you feel? that's what you write.
You also have to make the monster scarier, something about this just screams a giant humanoid human eating puffer fish and that's not really scary the way you've portrayed it. Make me feel like Im face to face with the creature.
Back to the topic, when writing it I did try to make it so that he's portrayed as this brave man who experiences fear and loses his cool but ultimately has to stir up some courage in order to protect his leftover crewmates. Maybe I could've portrayed that better.
As for the monster, it was a bit of a decision made on the spot to give it an actual appearance because I didn't want to make the story too much like the monster from The Mist (No it wasn't inspired by it in case you're wondering) nor did I try to make it unknown sincec I wanted to try and make a monster for once that had a full description as a sort of challenge. So maybe around the second or third rewrite of this, I'll be able to get the monster right.
Well it comes off a little too literary, as if the Captain is telling a story rather than sharing his own emotions... it needs to be more down to earth. More how would you feel? thats what I do. I kind of method act my bigger characters for that part. See how I'd react, exaggerate that and here's my character development.
As for the story, look up weird animals, better off aquatic and use that as a base for your monster.