FANDOM


  • The following is my second draft:

    Would you call your day normal?

    Take a peek outside. The sunlight blasts your face. Your eyes start to water. After you adjust to the light, take a look around your street. What do you see? Neighbors walking dogs, boys playing basketball, workers returning to home. The same thing you see everyday.

    It's almost painful, isn't it? The perpetual gnawing of the mundane on your psyche, the lack of escape from the everyday. You'd prefer horror to anything that bores you. I can tell. I have a certain sense for such matters.

    You can retreat if you like, return to your little world of ignorance. Fine, fill your ears with the noise from your earphones, burying your head in another book. You hope the music will drown out my incessant blabbering, don't you? I'm afraid it will not.

    I know you're wondering who I am, aren't you? To your kind, I would be considered a spirit; something intangible and invisible. However, I am just as corporeal as you are. I simply reside somewhere beyond the limits of your perception.

    Now, you must be wondering why a being such as myself would be speaking to a lowly human. You see, living a life where an entire species of creatures is oblivious to your existence can often become boring. This life, when increased to the thousands of millennia of my existence, can be very tiresome indeed.

    Let me explain. Consider a line. A space of one dimension. If we add one, you get squares and circles. Add yet one more, and you get cubes and spheres. This is the extent of both your world and your imagination. But what happens if you add another dimension? Two more? Ten more?

    Let me make you an offer. If you unplug your ears for just a short moment, I will free you from the mundane. That's what you wanted all along, wasn't it? That's why you seclude yourself in this little corner, with no asset other than a labyrinth of books and your computer. You want some freedom from the normal world. From the mundane.

    Don't be so stubborn. I realize that you wouldn't normally head the words of a little voice in your head that, as far as you know, came from nowhere. But for just this once, let fantasy and wonder have their way. For you to resist them would be a paradox.

    Finally. Thank you for complying. Now, I want you to take a look around your room. Appears the same, does it not? Let me remove one of the walls. Do you see it? A mirror image of the room, and then another, progressing on for infinity, right where the wall used to be. You're in there, too. Moving about in a countless number of rooms. Step into one, if you wish. They may all look similar, but I assure you that there is a difference.

    Each one of these is one second in the future, all coexisting in the same instance. Lift up your hand in one, and you will see yourself putting it down in another. It functions likewise for the past.

    I wouldn't recommend you go very far, though. Not all beings in this space are as friendly as me. If these beings see that you are aware of there existence, and you can travel as freely as them, they will not take very kindly to it.

    For now, return to your original location. I'll seal up that wall for you. Keep in mind that that was merely a glimpse of my world. I had to remove some part of the space, just to insert a section of some higher dimension. If I didn't, you would indeed have a very confusing time calculating both your world and a whole new reality.

    Now, why don't you take a little trip outside. All those people you saw have company now, don't they? I wouldn't recommend you look very long. The black figures, the non-Euclidean geometry, and the sprawling limbs typically don't have a very pleasant effect on viewers. I would recommend you keep a straight face, as well. They don't like being noticed.

    See that one man, with the macabre mass hanging off his shoulders? I would recommend you stay away from him. These things don't have a very good influence on people.

    Did you notice that one approaching you? I recommend staying nonchalant. Even if it touches you, make sure you do not fret. Speaking of staying casual, why don't you slowly take a stroll down the sidewalk? I said slowly. Such routine actions tend to ward off these creatures.

    You see, the mundane is a little more useful than you first thought. It acts as a barrier between our world and theirs. Take the everyday away, and you will not have a very enjoyable experience.

      Loading editor
    • Spidergeneral,

      I caught about half a dozen mistakes in your basic English. You would need to fix them before posting but all in all that's not too bad for a first draft.

      I don't get the connections to go from counting 1 2 3 because of a voice in your head is paying you a visit to the apocalypse. I understand where you are going with higher dimensions. I'm just not feeling any sort of creepiness or horror out of it.

      You can say in a story "All Hell is now unleashed" and I just nod and say OK and go to the next story unless you have built up suspension of disbelief. I don't feel suspension of disbelief here.

        Loading editor
    • Spelling and Grammar Issues: "The same you see everyday." you forgot the word "thing". "mundane on you psyche" you forgot the r in "your". "Let me give you an offer." you "make" a person an offer.

      Plot Issues: Second person stories are generally hard to pull off, especially when the reader knows that none of this is really happening to them. On top of that, you assume you know your reader and, in the attempt to draw them in by guessing what their personalities and lives are like, all you are really doing is drawing them away. The story itself is weird, but not creepy and the apocalypse ending doesn't make it any scarier.

        Loading editor
    • Thank you both for the advice, NedWolfkin and DrBobSmith.

      So, do you think I should remove the 2nd person POV altogether or try to improve on it? I also think I could make my story longer, therefore giving more exposition and build-up, hopefully enhancing the ending. I'd be happy to hear what you think about these decisions.

        Loading editor
    • SpiderGeneral,

      I suggest that you improve the second person POV. It works here.

      You need to explain who the speaker is and who they are speaking to. Once you set the frame for that, things improve. You may want to have them speak as if they are answering questions in places. Look at around the third paragraph. That's where you would need to establish things.

      Why is that outside voice talking to this meatsack in particular? Consider explaining that better.

      You do need to explain and improve the end but you need to also improve the experience the meatsack has right in the middle when they do comply.

      I suggest deleting the circle from your higher dimension talk. How many lines is a circle? Is it one or is it an infinite number? Stick with right angle geometry. Point, line, square, then to a tesseract and then a penteract or decateron.

      Dr. Bob

        Loading editor
    • Alright, so let's establish something clear here - time is a dimension... we live in a 4D universe.

      Other than that, I kind of don't see why should I take this story seriously, "there are things that could eat you out there", Okay cool... what's next.

      How about showing us a bit of whats there in detail? Just a little "trip" 

      Also, Bob is right, why this specific person and who's talking to him, obviously the reason can be "randomly..." "just caught my eye..." stuff like that, mundane... makes humanity seems a little irrelevant in the grand scheme of things like you intend the story to do. 

      Also, from a point to a line... and again from a point to a circle... an infinite number of dots in all directions.

        Loading editor
    • Thanks, BloodySpaghetti.

      I am currently working on showing those monstrous things in detail through a "trip" in my second draft.

      About the time thing. While it is true that we live in a 4-dimensional universe, us humans are limited by the 3rd dimension. We can only see a specific instance of time. We can assume that a true 4th dimensional being would be able to travel backwards and forwards in time and perceive multiple moments at a once.

        Loading editor
    • I've just released my second draft. Hopefully, I didn't let any mistakes in grammar pass me by. I would like to hear your thoughts on the changes.

        Loading editor
    • Spidergeneral wrote:
      Thanks, BloodySpaghetti.

      I am currently working on showing those monstrous things in detail through a "trip" in my second draft.

      About the time thing. While it is true that we live in a 4-dimensional universe, us humans are limited by the 3rd dimension. We can only see a specific instance of time. We can assume that a true 4th dimensional being would be able to travel backwards and forwards in time and perceive multiple moments at a once.

      We can percieve time as it's possible... you could travel in time forward once you manage to get a steady enough craft with enough feul to reach lightspeed. You cannot travel back in time because it's impossible, unless you are light, in which case we see the past of our sun all the time. 

        Loading editor
    • While the fourth dimension is commonly expressed as time, string theory does hold that there are many additional dimensions, from 10 to 26 in fact.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/String_theory

      There, that should provide you with the blah blah for higher dimensions with full scientific justification.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Spidergeneral wrote:
      Thanks, BloodySpaghetti.

      I am currently working on showing those monstrous things in detail through a "trip" in my second draft.

      About the time thing. While it is true that we live in a 4-dimensional universe, us humans are limited by the 3rd dimension. We can only see a specific instance of time. We can assume that a true 4th dimensional being would be able to travel backwards and forwards in time and perceive multiple moments at a once.

      We can percieve time as it's possible... you could travel in time forward once you manage to get a steady enough craft with enough feul to reach lightspeed. You cannot travel back in time because it's impossible, unless you are light, in which case we see the past of our sun all the time. 

      We can't travel backwards in time because we are three dimensional. A fourth dimensional creature would be able to go to the past as easily as we can step sideways. It's a direction for them as much as the horizontal is for us.

        Loading editor
    • Spidergeneral wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Spidergeneral wrote:
      Thanks, BloodySpaghetti.

      I am currently working on showing those monstrous things in detail through a "trip" in my second draft.

      About the time thing. While it is true that we live in a 4-dimensional universe, us humans are limited by the 3rd dimension. We can only see a specific instance of time. We can assume that a true 4th dimensional being would be able to travel backwards and forwards in time and perceive multiple moments at a once.

      We can percieve time as it's possible... you could travel in time forward once you manage to get a steady enough craft with enough feul to reach lightspeed. You cannot travel back in time because it's impossible, unless you are light, in which case we see the past of our sun all the time. 

      We can't travel backwards in time because we are three dimensional. A fourth dimensional creature would be able to go to the past as easily as we can step sideways. It's a direction for them as much as the horizontal is for us.

      You travel in time by basically going as fast or faster than light. You can't go back because you can't have a negative velocity that bends time-space backwards like super fast velocity does in light or something that potentially could go faster. 

      I'm not going to argue physics here though 

        Loading editor
    • Anyway, besides all this physics talk, what do you think I should change about the second draft, if anything?

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
Give Kudos to this message
You've given this message Kudos!
See who gave Kudos to this message