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  • This is my story it might not be perfect like some I tried to send, but if someone help me correct some errors or tell me what I should really do I will appreciate it.

    A little girl called Samantha was born on the nineteenth day of the month of June 1920, she was really beautiful.She lived with her parents in a big house of course they often went to visit a friend named Markus he was a doll maker but no one knew his dark secret.

    "So Markus, how’s the job," says Samantha’s father, "It’s okay I suppose," says Markus, and they all go to the yard to drink tea.Samantha was getting bored and asked her mother, "I can go and play in the sand "Of course," her mother said.Samantha started playing with a few dolls in the sand when she heard knocking on the store window, so she approached to see who was knocking and saw no one thinking it was just her imagination.

    Samantha went back to play in the sand, while her parents were talking to Markus, "What toys do you make?" asks Samantha’s mother,"Just dolls of course," replied Markus, Samantha’s parents look at each other, they thought it strange, but don’t ask any other questions.


    Samantha heard her mother call her to go home, "Samantha we have to go," said her mother, "I'm coming," says Samantha, she went to see her parents and left.

    Samantha and her parents arrived at home during the night, Samantha’s mother looked at her husband and said, "It was really strange how he said he made dolls," "How strange it might be just his work," said the father of Samantha, everybody went to bed just after this day.

    While asleep Samantha heard her window knocked, she woke up in a burst, looked around her room, and saw like a shadow in the corner.Samantha then heard someone open the window, she saw a girl enter her room and walk in a strange way.

    "Who's there?" said Samantha, who was waking up, looking at the girl who was watching her.

    When the morning came, Samantha was awake, but she didn't sleep well since she sees that girl, of course, her parents are thinking that she was just her imagination, but she did know what she saw that night it was really for her. She didn't sleep well after it, the next day the family go again visit their friend.

    Samantha wasn't feeling well, "It's okay, honey don't be scared," says her mother to her, "I know, but something doesn't feel right in there," says Samantha to her parents who begin to worried about her, they then talk to Markus about Samantha's problem, "Well, I can give her a peek in my shop!"said Markus to them with Samantha's parents agree to let Markus with Samantha and  she followed Markus to his shop, thinking that she will  take some normal dolls when they finally enter the shop Markus take Sarah's by the end and lead her in the back.


    "Where are we going?" Says Samantha, "I am bringing you  inside the dollhouse," reply Markus to her, they walk in a dark alley Samantha begin to be afraid because her parents still outside and doesn't know what's really going on, she would have run, but it was dark she doesn't see nothing. She heard a door open in front of her then the light went on, that's where she sees it and wanted to scream because Markus brought her in the workshop where it was full of children's corpses dress as dolls their eyes are replaced by buttons and the mouth was sewed and shut.

    "Welcome to my workshop!" say Markus, of course, it was the words Samantha did hear just before being killed by him, her parents then called the cops after Sarah's was missing at their friend's house, but officers found nothing and no one know what really happen to her.

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    • I can't read this. Is English your first language? You need to fix your grammar bad.

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    • Solonor1987
      Solonor1987 removed this reply because:
      not really
      15:40, November 21, 2018
      This reply has been removed
    • NoTimeCreepy wrote:
      I can't read this. Is English your first language? You need to fix your grammar bad.

      Okay  I think I fix it 

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    • Solonor1987,

      You need a lot of work with your basic English. Your biggest problem is your use of paragraphs. Read the blog entry below and see if it helps. Then correct your problems here in the Writer's Workshop. Don't post it on the main site until you have fixed all your problems here first. As is, this story would be marked for deletion within minutes.

      User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

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    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Solonor1987,

      You need a lot of work with your basic English. Your biggest problem is your use of paragraphs. Read the blog entry below and see if it helps. Then correct your problems here in the Writer's Workshop. Don't post it on the main site until you have fixed all your problems here first. As is, this story would be marked for deletion within minutes. User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

      I  already  tried some does not work all corrector said the same things  they things its no errors. and some corrector did pose virgule after word or paragraph.

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    • Solonor1987,

      The fact that all of the on line tools say you have the same problems means you really do have those problems. I'm sorry but it's the truth. As is, this story would be marked for deletion within minutes of posting it on the main Wiki.

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    • Solonor1987
      Solonor1987 removed this reply because:
      nothing
      18:27, November 21, 2018
      This reply has been removed
    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Solonor1987,

      The fact that all of the on line tools say you have the same problems means you really do have those problems. I'm sorry but it's the truth. As is, this story would be marked for deletion within minutes of posting it on the main Wiki.

      Okay I tried an other corrector it help a bit, but not sure.

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    • This story is riddled with spelling and grammar issues, so much so that I am only going to list a few to give you an idea what you did wrong. Honestly, this story has so many issues that I am going to go out of my usual way of reviewing for it, as it would be an endless string of continuations.

      The first sentance has a lot wrong with it "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920" You forgot the word "born" and the words "the month of" are pretty pointless. "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920, They named her Sarah" that comma would work better as a period. "they a loved her the same when she was a little girl, they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl." What's with the first part, and why did you change tenses ("they always take care of her") at the end? Not only is that very last half ("they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl.") excessive and pointless, it also makes this a run-on sentence.

      Throughout the story you change tenses. Since it takes place in the past it should be in past tense only.

      There is a huge collection of misspelled, missing, and misused words throughout the story.

      You often spell "say" when you mean "says" (i.e. "say Sarah to her mother") which in itself is wrong since this story should be in past tense.

      Dialogue should be broken into seperate paragraphs when you change speakers.

      There are a lot of points you should have used a period instead of a comma.

      You add more exclamation points and question marks than necessary. Seriously, just one helps get the point across.

      Now for the plot issues.

      The title is misleading as this story has nothing to do with voodoo dolls.

      Honestly, the spelling was so bad it mostly blinded me from the plot, which is incomprehensible to begin with. Usually when I review stories it takes only two or three reads, this one took five.

      There is just something about the whole concept of someone turning a little girl into a doll that feels as if it has been done before already.



      Sarah seeing a little girl doesn't go anywhere.

      Nothing really creepy happens throughout the story, and even the (supposed to be) shocking ending isn't even scary.

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    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      This story is riddled with spelling and grammar issues, so much so that I am only going to list a few to give you an idea what you did wrong. Honestly, this story has so many issues that I am going to go out of my usual way of reviewing for it, as it would be an endless string of continuations.

      The first sentance has a lot wrong with it "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920" You forgot the word "born" and the words "the month of" are pretty pointless. "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920, They named her Sarah" that comma would work better as a period. "they a loved her the same when she was a little girl, they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl." What's with the first part, and why did you change tenses ("they always take care of her") at the end? Not only is that very last half ("they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl.") excessive and pointless, it also makes this a run-on sentence.

      Throughout the story you change tenses. Since it takes place in the past it should be in past tense only.

      There is a huge collection of misspelled, missing, and misused words throughout the story.

      You often spell "say" when you mean "says" (i.e. "say Sarah to her mother") which in itself is wrong since this story should be in past tense.

      Dialogue should be broken into seperate paragraphs when you change speakers.

      There are a lot of points you should have used a period instead of a comma.

      You add more exclamation points and question marks than necessary. Seriously, just one helps get the point across.

      Now for the plot issues.

      The title is misleading as this story has nothing to do with voodoo dolls.

      Honestly, the spelling was so bad it mostly blinded me from the plot, which is incomprehensible to begin with. Usually when I review stories it takes only two or three reads, this one took five.

      There is just something about the whole concept of someone turning a little girl into a doll that feels as if it has been done before already.



      Sarah seeing a little girl doesn't go anywhere.

      Nothing really creepy happens throughout the story, and even the (supposed to be) shocking ending isn't even scary.

      Actually when she discover the bodies of children that's already scary discover something like a body in a basement and some story are suppose to be shocking too. I change the sentence in the first line what  should I change next .

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    • What is your native language?

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    • I am French-Scottish-Amerindian, but I tried to learn english I talk a bit well english, but its for written I need help, but maybe with help I will reach something and finally get threw it.

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    • Solonor1987,

      You can't write stories in English without knowing English. Please check these out to learn English for free online. This isn't a complete list of 'FREE' online courses, but it is a good start.

      https://www.fluentu.com/blog/english/online-english-courses/

      https://perfectlyspoken.com/

      https://www.esolcourses.com/

      https://www.edx.org/learn/english

      http://www.englishlink.com/en-US/home/index.aspx

      Dr. Bob

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    • I don't know if it will work or not but try writing the story in your language then translate it to English. There's some sites where you can do that.

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    • Yeah I think it will help thanks I will ,, I think I forgot the name of my girl , but I just remember her name was Samantha not Sarah I change her name because it was her real name, her name its actually Samantha Hawkins name of  one my OC.

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    • First, please fix your english mate, we'll continue from there 

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    • I am already doing it ,  phrases by phrases  I tried to translated by writting to be sure that will not bullshit, I am working on it  but slowly I don't want to be fast and messing up again that can take weeks before  its finally completely change.

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    • Solonor1987 wrote: I am already doing it ,  phrases by phrases  I tried to translated by writting to be sure that will not bullshit, I am worhing on it  but slowly I don't want to be fast and messing up again that can take weeks before  its finally completely change.

      Take your time.

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    • Thanks I will.

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    • "says her mother to her" OK. i am not joking of her/him but, damn, English isn't my first language, but...

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    • yeah I tried to find what to write next   I need time to find the words to complete the story, maybe tomorrow I will finally find it it can take weeks like I said.

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    • A FANDOM user
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