FANDOM


  • Years ago, when I was in Japan, around 1994 or so, there was an urban legend called 赤い男(Akai Okoto) or translated in English, The Red Man. The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was skinned alive by a man named Osaka Fukui. It is said that he skins his victims by taking the form of a human and sometimes mistaking them as the person who killed him. His resting place was in the forest that he died in and now it is said that his spirit haunts Mito, Ibaraki. 

    It is said that if you hear the man, he will emit a loud screeching sound that you can only hear. If you see the man as a hallucination, he will run towards you and he will either possess you or in certain cases, will let you free. Most of the time he posseses people and drives them to insanity. Very few people were set free. I am here today to tell you what I've experienced. By the way, I forgot to mention, my name is Byron.

    I was walking home with my friend. My friend's name by the way was Miki. We were talking about what we were going to do over the weekend. She gave me something that I wasn't expecting to get. She gave me a necklace. A very weird necklace. She told me to keep it for being a true friend to her for so long. I also found out that the necklace was actually able to protect me from the man. Then we said goodbye and she went home. Then, it got very cold all of a sudden and I felt a feeling that someone was watching me. A deep voice told me: "DEATH APPROACHES YOU". I ran away. He was chasing me. He was demanding me to leave his resting place. I finally got the hell out of there with all of my stuff surprisingly. 

    I went home to see if the man was real. Of course at the time, I didn't know who The Red Man was. Since internet was in its early days, I had to ask many people. Many said they never heard of him. I asked my friend Miki does she know about him. She said yes. She told me he is known to cause extreme depression and drives people to insanity. She told me that her mother encountered him and was skinned alive. In my home, I heard a screeching sound. Supposedly, it was a car crash but had an unknown occurence. Walked outside, necklace on, walking towards the destroyed cars. Only one person survived the crash, but had major injuries. Then I heard a faint laughing sound behind me. It was him. My necklace fell off of my neck and I lost my protection. I tried to run again, but he caught up to me and tried to skin me alive. But I was able to get out of his grasp and since I was unable to run, I crawled to a nearby bush to hide from him.

    When he left, I saw many dead bodies lying on the side of the road. The legend was true. I now know who The Red Man is, and will never forget who he is, and I know that I WILL see him again.

      Loading editor
    • Spelling and Grammar Issues: Try making your paragraphs just a little bit shorter. "The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was killed" should be "The Red Man is a so-called murderer who was killed" "His resting place was in the forest that he died in and was buried in leaves and straw when two men witnessed the attack." I would try to word that better. "what i've experienced" "I've" should be capitalized. "I was walking down the street going back home with my friend" I would reword it something like "I was walking home with my friend". "Then, we said goodbye" the comma is unnecessary.

      Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: A deep voice told me: DEATH APPROACHES YOU. When you are quoting something, be it dialogue, a voice, a sign, text, or anything else, put it in quotation marks.

      Plot Issues: "The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was killed by vicious coyotes and was skinned alive." how can he be skinned alive if coyotes already killed him? "His resting place was in the forest that he died in and was buried in leaves and straw when two men witnessed the attack." And why didn't they stop the attack or at least get the police? It kind of seems pointless for the narrator to tells us his name when it doesn't serve any purpose, nor is he called by name at any point in the story. "I ran away, and guess who it was? That's right. The Red Man." that kind of breaks any seriousness.

      Plot Issues Continued: So the main character doesn't know who the Red Man is, yet knows his name well enough to research him. How did he do research on him? Internet was in its infancy in 1994, and I doubt anyone would have written a book about him. The rest of the story feels like Barbie.AVI: main character explores a house, the new furniture in an old house, exploring the bathroom and finding something unusual in the bathtub, hearing a sound (though your character didn't jump out the window over it). And how did he know where the Red Man lived? "I saw the Red Man as a hallucination on the street, and ran as fast as I could to avoid him." what was he doing on the street? Why didn't he go after you?

      Plot Issues Continued: "The best thing to do to avoid the man is to ignore him, to make him think you're not interested. DO NOT run away. If you run away, that's a very easy way to get killed or possesed by him, unless you're very lucky like I was. Don't provoke him, or you will die." This makes the villain sound non threatening. And you said you ran away from him earlier, and then you tell us not to run away from him. Try to be more consistant.

      Not only is the last half of this story similar to Barbie.avi, but The Red Man himself is kind of reminiscent of Slender Man: a forest being of importance, he stalks his victims, he brings on hallucinations, etc.

        Loading editor
    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      Spelling and Grammar Issues: Try making your paragraphs just a little bit shorter. "The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was killed" should be "The Red Man is a so-called murderer who was killed" "His resting place was in the forest that he died in and was buried in leaves and straw when two men witnessed the attack." I would try to word that better. "what i've experienced" "I've" should be capitalized. "I was walking down the street going back home with my friend" I would reword it something like "I was walking home with my friend". "Then, we said goodbye" the comma is unnecessary.

      Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: A deep voice told me: DEATH APPROACHES YOU. When you are quoting something, be it dialogue, a voice, a sign, text, or anything else, put it in quotation marks.

      Plot Issues: "The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was killed by vicious coyotes and was skinned alive." how can he be skinned alive if coyotes already killed him? "His resting place was in the forest that he died in and was buried in leaves and straw when two men witnessed the attack." And why didn't they stop the attack or at least get the police? It kind of seems pointless for the narrator to tells us his name when it doesn't serve any purpose, nor is he called by name at any point in the story. "I ran away, and guess who it was? That's right. The Red Man." that kind of breaks any seriousness.

      Plot Issues Continued: So the main character doesn't know who the Red Man is, yet knows his name well enough to research him. How did he do research on him? Internet was in its infancy in 1994, and I doubt anyone would have written a book about him. The rest of the story feels like Barbie.AVI: main character explores a house, the new furniture in an old house, exploring the bathroom and finding something unusual in the bathtub, hearing a sound (though your character didn't jump out the window over it). And how did he know where the Red Man lived? "I saw the Red Man as a hallucination on the street, and ran as fast as I could to avoid him." what was he doing on the street? Why didn't he go after you?

      Plot Issues Continued: "The best thing to do to avoid the man is to ignore him, to make him think you're not interested. DO NOT run away. If you run away, that's a very easy way to get killed or possesed by him, unless you're very lucky like I was. Don't provoke him, or you will die." This makes the villain sound non threatening. And you said you ran away from him earlier, and then you tell us not to run away from him. Try to be more consistant.

      Not only is the last half of this story similar to Barbie.avi, but The Red Man himself is kind of reminiscent of Slender Man: a forest being of importance, he stalks his victims, he brings on hallucinations, etc.

      Thanks bro. I was trying not to go on trying to basically recreate a pasta, but thanks.

        Loading editor
    • Just so you know, he goes after random people if he feels like it. 

        Loading editor
    • I wish you good luck on your next story.

        Loading editor
    • "I saw the Red Man as a hallucination on the street, and ran as fast as I could to avoid him." what was he doing on the street? Why didn't he go after you?" The reason why he was on the street is because he was trying to find some more people to possess.

        Loading editor
    • ShadowFlash83 wrote:
      "I saw the Red Man as a hallucination on the street, and ran as fast as I could to avoid him." what was he doing on the street? Why didn't he go after you?" The reason why he was on the street is because he was trying to find some more people to possess.

      Did anyone notice him?

        Loading editor
    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      ShadowFlash83 wrote:
      "I saw the Red Man as a hallucination on the street, and ran as fast as I could to avoid him." what was he doing on the street? Why didn't he go after you?" The reason why he was on the street is because he was trying to find some more people to possess.
      Did anyone notice him?

      Yes. Many people noticed him. But if they made a sound, they would be his next victim.

        Loading editor
    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      I wish you good luck on your next story.
      Thanks. The current story has been edited.
        Loading editor
    • The story presently still has a few issues.

      I still suggest trying to make the paragraphs a bit smaller.

      "The Red Man is a so-called murderer that was skinned alive." technically spirits aren't considered murderers, and it should be "who was sknned alive".

      You should probably explain why the two men who witnessed the attack did nothing about it.

      "If you see the man as a hallucination, he will run towards you and he will either possess you or in certain cases, will let you free." If he is just a hallucination he cannot actually possess you since he isn't actually there.

      I think that telling us the main character's name and the part where his friend gives him a necklace is pointless filler.

      "If you run away, that's a very easy way to get killed or possesed by him" is awkwardly worded.

      I think that it is kind of unlevel that the main character easily escaped the Red Man when anyone else would have died.

      The story could be longer. I'm glad you decided to get rid of the Barbie.avi plagiarism, but now the story feels flat. At least tell us why he was skinned alive and who did it.

      In my opinion, this story still needs a lot of work.

        Loading editor
    • In reality, the necklace was to protect him from the man and it was basically unknown who skinned him, but I could kinda edit it in there. And btw, the two men who witnessed the attack. If they intervened, they could have been killed by the murderer.

        Loading editor
    • You flay humans, not skin them. 

      Also, the whole idea of CPs being based off Urban legends is kind of bad because you cannot come up with a solid urban legend as a single person. It has to have bits and pieces from various people over a period of time to be an urban legend that actually has something to it. Give it mystique, make it a tad absurd, like legends tend to be. Especially Japanese where the culture is kind of not kid friendly with their spooky crap unlike in the west. 

      Also, being the sole survivor for the sake of plot is kind of silly, especially if survival is rare with the flayed man ghost thing. 

      You also don't really give much detail, how does he try to flay people... why does he see his murderer in humans? usually ghosts are pissed at everyone indiscriminatorally as a result of their unfortunate passing. He just takes everyone in vengence... it sounds like an actual legend, because it makes less sense. 

      This whole thing needs tons-o-work. 

        Loading editor
    • ShadowFlash83 wrote:
      In reality, the necklace was to protect him from the man and it was basically unknown who skinned him, but I could kinda edit it in there. And btw, the two men who witnessed the attack. If they intervened, they could have been killed by the murderer.

      I have a few more questions.

      First off, that is a pretty loose usage of the word "reality" since reality would refer to the real world. On top of that how did she know the ghost was going to come after him?

      Why does it have to be unknown who killed him? And I still think it is pretty horrible that those witnesses just stood there and watched. They didn't necessarily have to intervene, they could have went to the police.

      On top of all that the skinning alive scene feels like it needs to be fleshed out. Why was he being "skinned alive"? Who was he in life? Who did it (I know already asked)? What was going on moments before this happened? Where did this happen? Was it just some sensless attack or was it someone who hated him? What of the witnesses? Who were they? What were they doing there? Why didn't they at least get the police if they were afraid of being killed?

      This story has a slight chance of making it, but it would need a lot of improvements.

      BloodySpghetti wrote:
      You flay humans, not skin them. 

      Also, the whole idea of CPs being based off Urban legends is kind of bad because you cannot come up with a solid urban legend as a single person. It has to have bits and pieces from various people over a period of time to be an urban legend that actually has something to it. Give it mystique, make it a tad absurd, like legends tend to be. Especially Japanese where the culture is kind of not kid friendly with their spooky crap unlike in the west. 

      Also, being the sole survivor for the sake of plot is kind of silly, especially if survival is rare with the flayed man ghost thing. 

      You also don't really give much detail, how does he try to flay people... why does he see his murderer in humans? usually ghosts are pissed at everyone indiscriminatorally as a result of their unfortunate passing. He just takes everyone in vengence... it sounds like an actual legend, because it makes less sense. 

      This whole thing needs tons-o-work. 

      I agree with all of this.

        Loading editor
    • Not sure what I can add here that hasn't already been said. This story suffers from erratic pace, contrived plot devices, lacks atmosphere and build-up, lacks conflict or character development and switches between reading like a Wikipedia article to a story very quickly.

      I'll give you a few quick examples:

      PACE/TEMPO/CONTINUITY: The story struggles to maintain its own logic. The character knows its the Red Man during the encounter but then has to go and research to find out that it's the Red Man. I understand that he's telling a story from the past and at the time of telling would know from the research he did, but you have to remember that the reader is moving at the same speed as the words appear. In order to bring the reader into the story and create that fear factor, they have to see things as the character sees them at the time.

      CONTRIVED WRITING: If this were written in 3rd person it would seem a bit less forced. But for a 1st person story, everything shouldn't be falling so neatly where it needs to be in order to advance the plot. Real life doesn't happen that way and with 1st person stories you're kind of doing things in real time because you can't rely on prose to fill in the blanks. The guy gets a necklace that somehow ties in, guy just happens to be walking in the right place for this thing to appear, guy happens to find all the information. Now, obviously all of these things have to happen in order to make the story go, but for something this short there are simply too many moving pieces for it to seem natural at all.

      ATMOSPHERE: Once again a result of the story being rushed. There needs to be some degree of descriptive writing here so the reader can develop some immersion into what's going on. Plus the character identifies the Red Man immediately which takes all the elements of "who is the creepy man standing on the corner watching me," out of the story.

      NO CONFLICT: The Red Man shows up and the guy runs to safety. Where was the hiding, where was the stalking, where was the ominous sensation of being watched? The character reacts to the Red Man the same way someone would react to a mountain lion. Sure, the idea of a mountain lion chasing you is terrifying, but it's not really horrifying. There is no mental or emotional turmoil, just a fight or flight reaction.

      REVERSE WRITING: Reading this I get the idea that it is designed to be a vessel for the Red Man instead of a story about a guy encountering some sort of unexplainable entity. If you want to write a story about the Red Man, write it from his point of view. Maybe write a story about a police officer trying to track down what they think is a killer masquerading as an urban legend, only to learn at the end that it isn't a masquerade at all. This is far too short though to properly introduce a protagonist that the reader will care about and an antagonist that the reader will fear.

      CONCLUSION: First off, and I say this with any negative critiques that I have to give, you get kudos from me for wanting to write. Keep going with it and develop your skills. I'm sure that if I could go back in time to the early 90's when I was writing Mortal Kombat fanficiton in a spiral notebook at school, those stories would probably make me laugh or cry, but either way I know they weren't good. (I literally wrote a story where Liu Kang went to outer space to fight evil. He punches an astronaut, steals his helmet and somehow boards a rocket without the other astronauts realizing he's not the guy that's supposed to be there.) But I'm glad I wrote those and I am glad that I grew and improved.

      With that said, this story, in my opinion at least, is not going to work out no matter what you do with it. Can you still make a story about the Red Man? Sure I guess. But based on this draft that you've posted here, it would be easier to start from scratch than try and edit around this. Almost every aspect needs to be edited to some extent, and I think you'd find it a lot easier to just start over with a fresh canvas.

      I'd suggest, based on the level of experience displayed in this story, that you go and hone your craft a bit more on sites with looser quality standards. Deviantart or Wattpad are two suggestions. Write and get feedback. Write and Google some basic rules of story composition. Write and read. Keep writing, keep sharing and keep growing. There is no secret sauce to getting great at writing, but there are a few steps to get better.

      First, take your time. Writing is an art just like painting, sculpture, music, etc. If you rush through it because you want to see it posted on a horror site, you're missing the point of writing. There is no immediate gratification. There is only a brutal learning curve and lots of readers out there that are a whole hell of a lot harsher than anyone here has been. I've had my work roasted to hell and back, it sucks, but it happens.

      Read the advice. Everything that I've posted here and those above me are opinions based off of reading this story as I'd read any other story already posted. Don't debate what we point out as flaws, because if you have to explain something to the reader from the author's point of view, that means that you didn't accomplish the goal of storytelling, because the characters should be explaining things, not the writer. You're certainly not required to follow any of the advice, hence why I started this by saying "read the advice" instead of "take the advice." My opinions and suggestions are based largely on how I would do things and may not match your style. Either way, if you desire to become a better writer and not have to worry about quality standards getting in your way, you'll need to sharpen your methods up.

      Finally, go and discover your writer voice. This story is cliche. It's essentially an OC Creepypasta. There are about a million out there that follow this exact formula. I fully understand that all writing is formulaic to an extent. It has to be in order to convey a plot line. But I feel like if you replaced the Red Man with any other generic OC, you'd get the exact same story but with a different title.

      I hope this advice helps you and I encourage you to remain motivated and keep creating. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say. Adjust your horizons and stop writing to reach the end. Write to tell the story and only let the natural creative process determine the end. Best of luck to you. Feel free to reach out if I can be of any further assistance.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      You flay humans, not skin them. 

      Also, the whole idea of CPs being based off Urban legends is kind of bad because you cannot come up with a solid urban legend as a single person. It has to have bits and pieces from various people over a period of time to be an urban legend that actually has something to it. Give it mystique, make it a tad absurd, like legends tend to be. Especially Japanese where the culture is kind of not kid friendly with their spooky crap unlike in the west. 

      Also, being the sole survivor for the sake of plot is kind of silly, especially if survival is rare with the flayed man ghost thing. 

      You also don't really give much detail, how does he try to flay people... why does he see his murderer in humans? usually ghosts are pissed at everyone indiscriminatorally as a result of their unfortunate passing. He just takes everyone in vengence... it sounds like an actual legend, because it makes less sense. 

      This whole thing needs tons-o-work. 

      Thanks for the criticism bro. Oh and by the way, yes. Japanese urban legends are next level creepiness.

        Loading editor
    • ShadowFlash83 wrote:

      Japanese urban legends are next level creepiness.

      In my opinion no. When I see a story that takes place in Japan I assume the writer is a weeaboo who hates every culture except Japanese culture, and therefore their story has to take place in Japan.

        Loading editor
    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      ShadowFlash83 wrote:

      Japanese urban legends are next level creepiness.

      In my opinion no. When I see a story that takes place in Japan I assume the writer is a weeaboo who hates every culture except Japanese culture, and therefore their story has to take place in Japan.

      I meant their actual folklore and local mythology, their death spirits are still death spirits while us europeans (or european inspired folk) no longer have those, we have "nature spirits who are kind and lovely" 

        Loading editor
    • NedWolfkin wrote:
      ShadowFlash83 wrote:

      Japanese urban legends are next level creepiness.

      In my opinion no. When I see a story that takes place in Japan I assume the writer is a weeaboo who hates every culture except Japanese culture, and therefore their story has to take place in Japan.

      lol

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
Give Kudos to this message
You've given this message Kudos!
See who gave Kudos to this message