FANDOM


  • this took me 5 hours to write! Hope you enjoy the draft! I’d love to hear your feedback as well!

    A woman was being chased and running for her life in the woods. She was holding her sleeping newborn son in her arms. She and her son both had blonde hair, and the woman was wearing a pink tank top and a white skirt with her own blood at the bottom. She was exhausted, and she felt searing pain all throughout her body from the sticks and branches that left cuts into her skin. She kept running anyway until she saw a clearing in the woods. She then went into the clearing and placed her newborn son on the stump of an old tree. She turned to look at her son and started to cry. "My sweet Daneal...I'm so sorry we must part so soon..." She said softly as she began to get dragged back into the woods by the people chasing her... It had been early the next morning, and a married couple had been on their daily morning jog. They talked as they ran, until the wife noticed the sound of a baby crying. "Nate...Nate do you hear that?" The wife listened closely. "Yeah...You want to see where it's coming from, don't you Susan?" The husband asked as he followed his wife. When he caught up to her, he saw her holding a crying baby in her arms. "It says his name is "Daneal" on his blanket..." Susan told Nate as she began to calm Daneal down. "Nate...Have you ever wanted a child?" Susan asked him. The reason why she asked this was because Susan was infertile, and she had wanted a child of her own. "Of course I do!" Nate responded. "I think that maybe we-" Nate stopped Susan in the middle of her sentence. "Yes...We could raise the child as our own. It'll be like we actually had one ourselves!" Nate explained as he hugged his wife.... 6 years later.... "Daneal! It's time to go to the carnival! We don't have all day!" Susan called out. They were in their house, getting ready to leave for the big carnival that came into their town, Creepy city, every year. It had been Daneal's first year going, and he was very excited. "Coming, mommy!" Daneal shouted as he ran down the stairs and got into the car. The three of them got into the bustling carnival in the afternoon. Susan gave Daneal some tickets for some rides. "Here you go, sweetie! Use these to have fun here! We'll be right back in a few hours, ok? Don't go talking to strangers, alright?" Susan told him as she gave Daneal his tickets. "Ok, mommy!" Daneal smiled and waved as Susan and Nate walked off. Daneal had gone on some rides for a while and ate lots of food, but all the exploring was making him tired, and soon he only had one ticket left. I wonder which ride I should go on? Daneal thought to himself. Suddenly, the wind kicked in and blew the ticket out of his hands. "My ticket! Stop!" Daneal called out as he chased after it. The ticket blew out of the carnival and into the woods, where something picked it up. Daneal stopped in front of this thing and smiled. "Hi mister! May I have my ticket back, please?" He asked the creature. "Hey wait a minute... You look familiar..." Daneal recalled. Hey! You're Slender!" Daneal said as he hugged the creature's leg. Slender looked confused as Daneal looked up at him and laughed. "You're not...Scared of me? Why aren't you scared of me like most?" Daneal heard what Slender asked in his head. "Of course I'm not scared of you, silly! My mommy reads a story about you every night to me, it helps me fall asleep!" Daneal told him. "Are you a pasta? Only pasta's can hear me speak to them!" Slender asked Daneal. "I...Now that I think about it, I don't know..." Daneal looked down as Slender gave him back his ticket. "Good luck on finding your true identity, kid!" Slender said as he disappeared. "Wait! Don't go!" Daneal called out. He figured that his parents had to be looking for him, so he ran back to the carnival with his ticket. "Daneal! There you are! You ready to go?" Nate asked him. "Yeah..." Daneal yawned. The encounter made him even more tired, and once he got home, he took a long nap... ..... "Daneal....Daaaaneaaall?" A deep voice growled. "Wake up!" The voice shouted. Daneal yelped a bit and saw a black hand on his bed. The thing got up from his hiding place. It was all black, with his mouth and nose outlined in white. He looked like a person. Daneal covered his face with his covers. "Who...Who are you?" Daneal asked him in a curious tone. "Allow me to explain. Daneal, I'm your father...Your REAL father!" The thing said to him. "The person down there who claims he is your father, he really isn't. Your mother left you in a clearing in the woods. She told me everything." Daneal listened carefully to his father. He trusted this man, because Susan had told him about the woods he was found in. Everything was starting to piece together slowly to him... "Now Daneal, you are half-pasta, half-human. That would explain why you were hearing and seeing Slender at the carnival earlier. And you have a job to do. You need to help repopulate the town that I live in when you're older." Daneal nodded his head. "...You see son, you're just like me. You just don't know it yet." Daneal looked at his father with pleasure. He didn't know him for long, but he knew he should please his father, as it was the right thing to do. "People will say that what you're seeing isn't real. How will that make you feel, Daneal?" His father asked him. Daneal frowned at the thought of that. "Angry! Very angry and hurt!" Daneal growled. "Yes, now all you'll have to do is channel that rage and that hurt feeling into one! That will start at dinner time..." About an hour later, Daneal had been eating dinner with Nate and Susan. They began to talk to Daneal about his time at the carnival. "So Daneal, what did you do while we were gone?" Susan asked him as they ate. "It was fun! I saw Slender!" Daneal said excitedly. Nate and Susan both started to laugh. "Oh Daneal! You have such a vibrant imagination, don't you?" Susan asked. "No! I saw him! He talked to me!" Daneal shouted as he picked up a knife from the table and held it tightly. He had never been this angry before... "It sounds like you've been reading him too much of those stories, Susan!" Nate chuckled. "THAT'S IT! I've had it with you people!" Daneal got up out of his chair, still holding the knife, walked over to Nate, and held up the knife to his chest. "Admit it! Admit Slender is real!" Daneal growled. "Alright alright," Nate said in a scared tone. "Slender is real! He does exist-" Susan had began to cry in fear as the knife crept closer to Nate's chest. "D-Daneal...Please don't do this!" Daneal thought about Nate's words for a moment, and then he spoke. "Liar..." He whispered. "You're a LIAR!" Daneal shouted as he began to stab Nate in the chest. Susan began to scream as Daneal stabbed Nate in the forehead, making him dead. Susan watched in horror as her husband's body fell out of the chair it was in and onto the floor. Daneal turned all black, with his body and face outlined in white. He took the knife out of Nate's forehead and turned his head slowly towards Susan. "You're next, mommy...." Dark Daneal whispered in an eerie voice as he lunged toward Susan and stabbed her in the chest as well. Both of the corpses lay on the floor, dead in a couple of seconds. Dark Daneal smiled as he looked at himself. "I look...Fantastic!" He said as he admired the new shade of black on his body. He went over to Susan's corpse and pulled her small intestine out of the chest region. He wrapped her intestine around his neck and began to mock Susan: "Oh, look at me! I'm mommy! I look so pretty today, for I am going on a lovely date!" Dark Daneal laughed. He felt a cold hand on his shoulder. "See? I told you so! You look just like me!" Daneal's real father said to him. "Daddy!" Daneal said excitedly as turned back to his original self. "Come on, we have a place to go to...." Daneal's father said as he took him to the town in which him and Daneal's real mother lived... ..... It had been 18 years later, and Daneal had been running for his life. He had been living with his real father for the past 18 years and had just returned to Creepy city a few days ago. He had been doing research to prove to the other townspeople that Slender was real, but everyone thought he was crazy. He had killed a manager at a restaurant prior to what was happening now because of this, Which was why he was running. He ran right to where the carnival once stood when he was little. Then suddenly, he got an idea! "The Slender forest!" (which was what he calls the woods that he saw Slender in all those years ago.) "Nobody will ever go in there!" Daneal laughed. The townspeople were scared of those woods due to the rumors of Slender inhabiting it. Even though it was a myth to the townspeople, they were always scared of what was inside those deep, dark woods. So Daneal, knowing that people wouldn't go in there, went into those woods and disappeared into the night....

      Loading editor
    • This is a fanfiction, isn't it?

      Yeah... um... I don't recommend actually posting this to the site. It's one big wall of text, filled to the brim with cliches, and... half-pasta? Okay.

      Also, Slenderman is a blacklisted subject. Read some of the site rules.

        Loading editor
    • Thenutcrackerus
      Thenutcrackerus removed this reply because:
      It’s irrelevant
      11:59, May 26, 2018
      This reply has been removed
    • If you want me to do a rewrite,  I can. After all, this is just a draft. What would you like me to change?



      (He’s half pasta because his mother is a human and his father is a pasta. He has MANY siblings and they were all made one after the other...Crazy stuff.)

        Loading editor
    • Thenutcrackerus wrote:
      If you want me to do a rewrite,  I can. After all, this is just a draft. What would you like me to change?


      (He’s half pasta because his mother is a human and his father is a pasta. He has MANY siblings and they were all made one after the other...Crazy stuff.)

      If I were you, I'd ditch going off older creepypastas in favor of writing your own original story. This is one big spinpasta, and reads like a fanfic, as I stated before. Maybe try creating a new race of aliens or entities to replace the "pasta" portions, and giving the main character more time to Superman and learn his past. Maybe the villains could be aliens who think of themselves as the master race, a sort of intergalactic Nazi party.

      Hold off on the "must stab my parents because they don't understand" ending, too. That's overly done.

      Also, there were quite a few grammatical errors. Check your work thoroughly: I know it's a draft, but you want to make the draft posting-quality as much as the final product. Mistakes here and there are okay, but work them out if you actually decide to post.

      "Susan began to scream as Daneal stabbed Nate in the forehead, making him dead," is a good example of what needs to be fixed. "Making him dead?" It's like saying, "Simon fell face-first into a running woodchipper, and he died." Of course he died! He fell in a woodchipper! Say something more complex, like: "He stopped struggling," or, "his body went limp."

      It's good that you decided to post the draft here for some reading and reviewing. These are just my thoughts. You don't have to go off them, I just thought I could interject my own opinion.

        Loading editor
    • Is this some Jeff the Killer and Slenderman conjoined spinoff? First of, get rid of all the Jeff the Killer and Slenderman similarities and references. Make it into an actual story, rather than just a very long paragraph. 


      You could come up with something completely different considering the fact that his adoptive parents basically took him on a very emotional, borderline whack whim when they found him. You could make it about over protecting the kid going horribly wrong. Depending on how you do that, it could be original and fun.

      Also, bad reasons produce bad villains, and in your case it's basically "the plot needed me to become a murderer, so I did" which is bad. 

      Also, if you do want to give out a nod to Slenderman, sure, do it, but take an example out of the original bit itself (or one of the original ones) He is supposedly named in different places by different names "The Long Man", "The Tall Man" etc etc. 

        Loading editor
    • His father is half Italian cuisine? 

        Loading editor
    • I have to agree.  It needs a whole lot of work.  It hit me like a brick wall of text.  My eyes literally couldn't focus on it.

        Loading editor
    • ok, I’m gonna go with the alien race thing. As well as the overprotective parents. But how should I write it? The ending is gonna be the hardest to write because I have no idea of how I should write it. I guess I should talk about the main character, Daneal.

      Daneal is a 26 year old male mutant from another planet. He can turn into a darker, more evil version of himself at will. Which is what he does whenever he kills people or feeling sexual. His method of killing is usually having a intimate relationship with his victim, having a child with them (as his victims are usually women), and butally killing them afterwards, or being like his father and having children nonstop with that one girl. He would normally stab his victims in the chest and head (or if he’s in the mood, get a razorblade and use that to kill his victims.)  After he’s done, he’d take one part from the 

        Loading editor
    • Thenutcrackerus wrote:
      ok, I’m gonna go with the alien race thing. As well as the overprotective parents. But how should I write it? The ending is gonna be the hardest to write because I have no idea of how I should write it. I guess I should talk about the main character, Daneal.

      Daneal is a 26 year old male mutant from another planet. He can turn into a darker, more evil version of himself at will. Which is what he does whenever he kills people or feeling sexual. His method of killing is usually having a intimate relationship with his victim, having a child with them (as his victims are usually women), and butally killing them afterwards, or being like his father and having children nonstop with that one girl. He would normally stab his victims in the chest and head (or if he’s in the mood, get a razorblade and use that to kill his victims.)  After he’s done, he’d take one part from the 

      corpse and use it as jewery (such as his adoptive mother’s intestine and him using it as a necklace.) That was actually from his first kill, so he wears it all the time as a symbol of pride.  He lives in a cabin in the woods and will  try to get his hands on any girl he sees. Such as the girlfriend he has right now, whose name is Afnan. She’s a 12 year old girl, but Daneal thinks she’s 19. 

        Loading editor
    • you'll have to think long and hard before finally writing this revision.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      you'll have to think long and hard before finally writing this revision.

      Yeah.

        Loading editor
    • That’s the thing. I’m still working on how the plot should go.

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
Give Kudos to this message
You've given this message Kudos!
See who gave Kudos to this message