I love Daniel.
We are but work partners, but nonetheless, my mind is similar to a movie, where he is the main character. Ever since we started working together, I cannot stop thinking about him, his face, his name, his everything.
I have a desire, no, a need to be around him. Sometimes I think about how everything I care resumes to him. Since the beginning of this year, I have forgotten friends, family, everything. Even my work is shit. The reason I do it, as every other thing, is to spend time with Daniel.
It was a bleak Sunday, while I watched a film, thinking about him, that someone called. Thank God it was him, and the moment he said we were arranging a work-meeting on February 14th, to discuss something I didn't care about, I cannot describe the sensation.
Elation, ecstasy, euphoria, all these definitions are laughable when compared to feelings. My heart felt like blowing up all of New-York, the whole Universe seemed to pay attention at this moment.
Every word he said, about the perfect evening that was about to come, flowed from the telephone like maternal milk for a starving baby.
All the other days were of restless tasks. I missed work a lot, for the majority of my time was used trying to make myself perfect for him. I learned every bit of information he liked. I spent hundreds on cosmetics, clothing and other beauty acessories. I memorized thousands of jokes that would make him laugh.
I corrected myself, shaped myself, so that I would fit every criteria he could have to love me.
Finally, Valentine's Day, our day, arrived.
We were dining on a nearby restaurant, as it was an emergency meeting. The company had some serious economic issues. I didn't really care, as long as Daniel showed up.
If someone saw me at that moment, with ridiculously expensive clothing and jewelry, perfectly applied make-up, he would've recognized the uninteresting woman that I was. I don't care what they think, as long as Daniel notices.
My heart was pumping hard, butterflies fluttered in my stomach and sweat trickled down my foreheard, anxiety burning my soul from inside.
Everything stopped when Daniel, in his casual, work-worn suit came in, ever so handsome, so perfect.
With a woman.
I was to stand up, and ask who was she. Daniel told me it was his Caroline, his girlfriend.
How can I describe the moment where everything falls apart, your whole mind and soul wither away in an instant, leaving a hollow, silent void within. The others rose up, with stupid smiles on their faces, to greet Caroline. I couldn't see exactly anything in her that Daniel would want that wasn't in me. He did say I looked pretty. That might've set me aflame in the past, but now I knew. There was someone more perfect, better, that Daniel prefered over me.
I still loved him as I ever did, and so my being became divided in my ardent passion, my worship of his perfection, to ice-cold jealousy, envy and hate, of this woman. I doubt anyone ever felt hate like I did. I consumed me. It was bigger then my love for him, because this Caroline was an obstacle, a barrier that isolated him from me. And so, I decided that the only way to have him for me was to be Caroline.
I am discardable, unimportant. My identity is worthless to him. A grey streak in a grey canvas. Caroline outshines the rest. Caroline matters. Caroline can conquer his heart, make him love her. Caroline is perfect to him.
And so, during this meeting, I approach her, with a mask of sympathy, and slowly befriended her. In a single encounter, I happen to know details of her life. Where she lives, where she works, her family, friends. This manipulation, this influence stems from my determination to be her. I cannot let any detail of who she is escape. My resolve is iron, and so I steadily get her phone number.
Over the next week, I invited her to go to the movies. I know she likes this one, because she comment ever so much during out first encounter.
On following days, I carefully prepared my life to mimic hers. Quitting my job, getting a new degree, turning my whole life in to something else. I would be reborn anew.
I didn't have money, nor courage to get a plastic surgery as extensive as the one I needed so quickly.
But still my worthless, stupid self, I didn't think about making the original, unwanted Caroline go away.
So I took a sedative, amongst other items on my bag, and went on to our meeting.
During the movie, which I don't even know the name, I stared non-stop at her. Look at that auburn hair of hers, so different from my black locks. Look at those greenish-blue eyes, so sweeter then my average hazel ones. Look at that flushed, life-filled flesh, in contrast to my pale skin. She was better in ways I could not dare attempt to describe. I stared at her so much my eyes watered, but that didn't matter. I need to become Caroline.
After the movie, I got us a two cups o' coffee, one with carefully mixed sedative. It took effect while I was driving her home. Her eyes fluttered and she barely said anything when the fell over is the deep, death-like slumber.
I stopped at my house, and quickly carried Caroline to my small apartment, which was already being decorated in accordance to hers, no, my new taste.
My mind was twisted. I hated her, this still-living obstacle to my perfect love. This seductress, this succubus. She deserved so much for her actions, to corrupt and wound a love so pure, so sweet as Daniel's and I. I loved him so much, and she was perhaps the most evil thing in existence. She hurt me and Daniel , and who knows anyone else so much. Someone needed to teacher her a lesson, to hurt her, just as she had hurt so many. Beneath this perfect face of hers, I was so sure that a monster laughed at us all. She had charmed and fooled Daniel. I needed to protect him and the rest from her. Someone needed to make justice.
So I cut her a little bit. I got a knife and began to maim her.
I flawed and maculated her skin. I laughed like a child. I seemed to funny the way this witch's blood flowed from her.
I was amazing how I felt. Not elation, nor ecstasy, all these definitions are laughable when compared to the sensation. I loved it, maybe just as much as I loved Daniel.
I then got an idea. I took the knife and slowly, so precisely, began to take out her face, her mask of manipulation.
When I removed, I laughed in triumph. She was ugly, underneath, all bloody, withveins and bones. Joy and pride filled me. I had unmasked this horrible monster, and I showed the world the wretch, how ugly she was. Her demonic eyes were dislodged, and she couldn't stare at me anymore, mocking my imperfection, for she was absolutely imperfect. She always were, she just pretended to be perfect.
I am sure Daniel wouldn't like her like this. I screamed at her her, how her villanious manipulation was over. My love with Daniel, ever so perfect Daniel, would finally bloom. I hadn't bloomed in Valentine's Day, for this whore had fooled him with her false perfection.
My perfection was true. I went to the mirror, still filled with that same amazing feeling of triumph, that I put her torn face upon my own.
Caroline was a monster, that used this perfect face to hurt Daniel. But I would use it to please him, to fit in his definition of loved one.
I smiled beneath her mask of a face. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I am finally, the perfect one for Daniel.
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