'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The traps were all set by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would step there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While nightmares of body parts danced in their heads;
And mamma with her hatchet, and I in with my axe,
Had just settled down for a little night cap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what made the splatter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and ripped through the sash.
The moon on the breast of the blood-stained snow
Gave a hideous glow to objects below,
When, what to my wandering eye should appear:
the watchman was dead with a knife in his ear,
There, on the lawn, knelt a man rather thick,
the blood on his coat told me he was St. Nick.
More rapid than vultures he sprang to his feet,
This zombified Santa was hungry for meat.
"Where are the children, I want them now!
Bring them down to me you ugly fat cow.
On time and impatient I’ve come to your home,
I hunger for brains… and I’m not alone."
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
a legion of demons flew down from the sky,
and up to the house-top this evil took roost,
With red beady eyes and long pointy tooth.
And then, in a heart beat, I heard on the roof
The digging and pawing of each demon hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came down with a growl.
He was dressed all the hair of the dead he had skinned
And his clothes were blood stained from both women and men.
With a bundle of cutlery hung on his back,
he grabbed for a knife and began his attack.
His eyes – they stared through me! His smile, freaking scary!
His nose was all wrinkled like an old, rotten cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
He slashed at my leg and I fell to the floor;
The stump of my limb he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood seeped from it to white tile beneath.
He had a cruel face and some blood in his beard.
His expression was empty. For my life I now feared!
He was ugly and evil, a sick little elf,
And I knew things must change, for my kids and myself;
with my leg now missing, my wife surely dead,
I pushed from the floor and kicked Nick in the head.
He spoke not a word, but went fell straight on his back
And all the traps sprung just thunderous snap.
Laying there – writhing - right where he fell
this bastard passed right through the doorway of Hell.
The demons then vanished. My children were safe!
I sat there, crying, beginning to faint.
But before I passed out, I screamed with all might,
"SCARY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FRIGHT!"