Loneliness is a crippling dilemma. Especially for an insomniac. Many years ago, when my brother was getting married, he told me how, during a long period of insomnia, he learned from a man a technique to find out the one being with whom he was meant to be with. We had some drinks with a few of our friends, and when everyone else had passed out in the middle of the night, he told me exactly what to do.

He said it should be done on the darkest night of the year, in the darkest, quietest room of a house. So maybe blacking out windows, and muffling noises might be in order. In order to prepare for the event, you have to have been awake for at least 4 or more days in a row, no sleep, no rest, almost no food. Rest yourself on a bed or a couch when you're ready, and turn on a very soft, very weak source of light. Then stare at the ceiling. He said the ceiling was best because it was "the way all things look", as he was taught.

As you stare at the ceiling, the light will slowly start to ripple, like a strobe. First, a vague outline takes shape, humanoid in appearance, but clearly present. Don't blink or turn away, he said, for that prevents you from making things take shape. As the rippling effect picks up speed, the figure will become more detailed. By this point, your eyes should be starting to ache, but you have to resist the sensation until you complete filling in the details. Certain details like eyes, nose, mouth and ears should begin to take shape and color, as well as the type of build they would have. By this point, your eyes should be in serious pain, for you are breaking a semblance of time and space for this knowledge. DO NOT turn your eyes away or blink. Or it will be for naught.

Then, he said, the figure of the person before you will be able to see you. It's not uncommon for it to reach out to you, to try and touch you. DO NOT DO THIS. If you do, you're bridging your time and space with theirs, and by that point, you will vanish from reality altogether. Continue staring at the figure, until it looks exactly like a person is in the room with you. By this point, your eyes will be beyond the normal threshold, and will try to close themselves on you. RESIST DOING THIS, for you have one more thing to do. If you can resist, you will then be able to ask this form 3 questions.

Who are you?

Where will we meet?

When will we be together for all eternity?

Ask any other questions than these, and there will be a flash so bright, your sight will be taken, and a clap so loud, you shall no longer be able to hear a thing. And worst of all, this one chance at connection will be lost for all eternity. But if you are successful, the bridge shall be completed, and the figure shall slowly fade from above you. And you will be able to go on with your life, with the comfort of knowing your destined meeting.

But he also warned me about something else. The process only really works because of what lies in your heart. Lust, anger, greed, hatred, jealousy, or any other form of wickedness, and the effect will prove disastrous. "Love can only be truly attained with a pure heart," he pleaded, "and any other desire outside of the pure will call something other than what you intended. If this does happen, then look away before it fully takes shape. If it takes form, then you will belong to it, and it can claim you. It's for THAT REASON ALONE that I ask you to not do what I did."

"I was lucky", he said. "Very, VERY few are."

Like I said, it's been many years since he said that. My last girlfriend dumped me a year and a half ago, and the loneliness has been gnawing at me since then. So I'm going through with it. It took me a week or two to prepare, but I'm ready now. As I'm writing this, the bottle of Scotch to get me ready for this is almost empty, and if I fail, then I'm going to kill myself immediately afterwards. If I'm going to be alone, then I'm going OUT alone as well. No point in wasting time, huh?

Pray that I succeed. I'm... I'm just so SCARED of being alone.