This is an arcane instruction manual found in a happy meal that teaches you how to carry out the Ritual of the Arschloch. Very few have completed it, and even fewer have claimed that it works. The Ritual is difficult, but the rewards that come on completion are greater than the human mind can comprehend. Here is the manual.
Step 1: Find the most expensive item in your house and destroy it. If you hear church bells in the distance, then continue to the next step. If you didn’t, destroy the next expensive thing. Continue until you hear the bells.
Step 2: At 6:41 PM exactly, go to any mirror and chant the words “Ice bank mice elf” repeatedly until you see the smiling horse in the hallway. Go to your kitchen.
Step 3: In the kitchen, you will greet the Elf of All Knowing Wisdom. Ask him how last nights episode of CSI Miami was, if he replies “Fine, fine” then you’re in the clear. If he says anything else, go back to Step 1.Step 4: The Elf will ask for the Object of Anguish. The Object is in your house somewhere, but if you look at it you die. So walk around your house with your eyes shut until you think you’ve found it, but try not to run into the Rhino of Disappointment. If you think you’ve found it, return to the Elf. It’s now safe to open your eyes. If he looks happy, then you got the right object. If he does otherwise, go back to Step 1.
Step 5: The Elf will direct you to your bathroom. Inside you will find the Goblin of Success. The Goblin will ask that you create a life size replica of Johnny Depp out of salt. Don’t worry about rushing, the Goblin will be patient.
Step 6: Once you are finished, you will be given a piece of paper with a phone number on it. The phone number should have two eights in it. If it does not, go back to Step 1. If it does, burn the note and the Goblin should vanish. You will now be teleported to the Sahara Desert.
Step 7: Search for a large grayish-brown rock with 7 sides. It could take forever, but keep looking. Once you find the rock, lift it with seven fingers. If you lift it with more or less, you will be destined to rot in the desert. If you lift it with exactly seven, you should find the Mouse of Anguish. Ask him where the money is and he'll turn into Jesus. Jesus will then tell you that you haven’t been following the instruction manual, you are the instruction manual.