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My life used to be so great.
Sure, I may not have had the most friends, or the best home life, but I always came through with a smile on my face. I wish that had never changed, but you can't always get what you want. I made one mistake. One fatal mistake, that has haunted me ever since.
I fell in love.
She was amazing. Beautiful, talented, and a personality akin to mine. Best of all, she was my best friend. I waited months to make a move, but I know that even if she wanted to, there was a factor holding us back. My ex was her best friend, and after out break-up over a year and a half ago, still harbored a grudge against me.
Eventually I couldn't take the wait. If there was an obstacle, we could overcome it together. I asked her one day, as we were heading to the buses. I slipped over my words, but I managed to ask her out, blushing like mad. To my extreme joy, she said she'd love too! It was the happiest day of my life. I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day. The next day, which was a Saturday, she called me, saying she had something important to tell me on Monday.
I met her on Monday, at last period, which was regrettably the only class we shared. She said we couldn't date, due to the situation with my ex. She didn't want to choose between me and her. I didn't blame her. But, she did say, that if the situation changed, she'd love to go out with me. Though I saw this choice coming, I was crushed nonetheless. We spend last period together every other school day, and even though I craved more, I was happy.
This continued for what I think was about two months, then she started being a bit more distant. She was always moving around in the mornings, the only time I ever saw her. In the afternoons, she kept more to herself, and left me to my own devices. She was getting behind in her grades, so I could understand this. I always offered to help, but she turned me down every time. Although disappointed, I took comfort in the fact that she loved me back.
Every time I thought of her, I couldn't help but smile. I would often daydream about us, whether it was just us out on a picnic, or going far enough to imagine marrying each other. I would do my best to be the perfect husband, and father. I imagined having one girl and one boy, the boy born first. The boy would be named Toby, and the girl, Sarah. Of course that was just an idea. If she wanted to name them differently, that was fine. And if she didn't want kids, that was okay too. As long as I had her.
Well, it seems nothing good lasts, so things started getting worse. The brief time I saw in the mornings, I always wanted to be there with her, but she distances herself from me. She said this was in case my ex's bus came, and she saw me with my love. I believed her, I couldn't accept the fact there was even a small chance she didn't like me anymore.
The bad news came soon after. She told me she had gotten a different class for a while, so we wouldn't see much of each other in a few weeks. This brought my spirits down considerably. After that, she stood there awkwardly for a few moments, and left. She didn't even say “sorry”, or even “bye”.
I could survive two weeks without her, right? I tried my best, but little things always triggered the feeling of depression. I saw a couple, sitting with their heads down, as if they were moping. Why the hell were they sad? They had each other! If anybody had a reason to be sad it was me! I was denied the sweet feeling of being near my love. This brought feelings of mixed anger and sadness. But so what if they were a stupid couple? It's their fault for moping around when they could be enjoying each other's presence! I tried to ignore it, and continued with my day.
The rest of day went normally, a few sad thoughts, but I tried to brush them off. Days passed, and one day, I saw my love in the halls. I gave her a cheery “Hello!” She completely ignored me. I knew she had heard me, so why didn't she respond? This happened several different times, always the same result. Did she not love me anymore?
On one of these days, I was getting off the bus with two other kids that lived on the same street as me. A boy and a girl, both about ten or eleven. The girl and boy were walking closely, and laughing happily. It seemed obvious that they were in love. I tried to hold back the tears.
The next day the same thing happened. I met my love, she ignored me. I spent the rest of my day moping. After I got off the bus, the girl from yesterday was walking with her friend. She said how she gave the boy a nickname, “Conny”. It was painfully obvious the puppy love between them. I bit my lip and tried to hold back the tears again. I failed.
The days were repeats of themselves. Ignored, then onto the feeling of jealously and rage when I saw the puppy love between the two kids. I was wrecked inside. The carefree smile that usually appeared on my face so often was forced, a front holding back the massive ocean of depression I felt as if I was drowning in. To try to distract myself from the sadness swamping me, I had resorted to cutting. I wore a sweatshirt every day, so it wasn't like anybody would notice. Even if, who would give a fuck? I had two friends left, one moved, and one was a mindless drone that laughed at everything I said and never had anything to talk about. Then there was... her. She had turned me from a happy, innocent kid, to angst incarnate, getting emotional over the smallest things.
One day, I came home, and cut myself so much I started feeling dizzy from the blood loss. It was then I decided I needed to do something. Now you might be asking “Why tell us your sob story?” I feel like getting all this down might lessen the burden I feel.
I wondered why I didn't think of this earlier, it would solve all my problems.
The thick rope slides through my hands, my eyes staring out blankly at a wall, and my mind clouded by confusing emotions. I slipped the rough rope over my neck. It caused me to itch badly, but I took the sensation numbly, barely perceptive. Who would miss me anyways?
As I hit publish on this story, I would wish only one thing of you all. Take a step in somebody else's shoes, before you do permanent damage to them. The feeling of rough rope, a room barely lit, and the dusty smell of the attic will be the last things I ever experience. I thank you all for reading this. But now it's time for relief from all this pain.