A New Friendship
Words are not satisfactory for the stories I tell. As I lay waiting, I realize that the life we know is only a purely woven sheet, carefully sewn together with the delicate, yet strong fabrics of experience. I can feel my energy leaving me, as if my soul is a lost cause to me. Lifeless. I feel above the sheet of life, but then what is this? Death? Or some sort of limbo? Whatever that may mean. I never believed in a god. Or a hell. But, I knew that someone in my position would be praying to any god they may find in what small, borrowed time they may have left to grasp. The question remains, though, will a god save me? I didn't think so. I didn't feel worthy of salvation from it. I didn't ask to be saved anyway.
Between life and death, you question everything there is to question. Everything around you, everything you've known, even yourself. I don't much know about anyone else but for myself, all I did was think. Searching myself for answers to any question I could think of, save for one.
Am I alive?
The thought rang in my head as if those hallowed words were knocking against my skull. But then, every single part of me felt like a shadow limb, as if I were only a thought floating in an endless vacuum of black. I investigated my last thought. I remembered a white room, partial curtains almost fully drawn and a woman standing over me. I made the assumption that this woman was a nurse and this bright, white room was a hospital ward. I remembered turning over and just as the white began to fade to black, a needle was being slowly dipped into my skin and then the lights were off. Now, it's just darkness, a deep void that never seems to end, like closing your eyes and seeing the dark of your eyelids. The feeling as if someone has placed a lid on my existence, and so I was between reality and nothing. I saw nothing, felt nothing. Perhaps I was nothing.
They say when you stare into the Abyss it stares back into you. Not really. When I faced the dark, empty Abyss I felt a battle cry whisper calling out. But I didn't hear it, I felt it. The Abyss is just nothing. The more I stared the more I saw my own thoughts become animate before me. This "Abyss" is just us. Our own fearful, maddening thoughts and terrors given shape and size to match their fury against ours. Sentient as the watchman over the gateway to hell, yet oblivious to our presence as angels are on our way to heaven. What I was to bear witness to was what I believed to be my own fears. I always thought the thing I fear the most was fear itself. The restriction we place on ourselves we name Fear which prevents us from achieving what we know to be our true selves. The one we were born to be.
My fear took form. A small cockroach appeared before me, without a single care in the world. It tried to move but couldn't, it tried to breathe but it couldn't. It then morphed into a large wolf. It was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. A glowing, silver fur coat that seemed as soft and serene as snow. Luminous, pearlescent blue eyes that provided for me the only light in this empty darkness. However, it began to change, it was deforming into what was about to be the most unearthly creature I had ever seen. Its strong back bent and contorted in a most grotesque manner as if it had been repeatedly trampled by a herd of elephants. Its bright blue eyes dampened to a depressed, slated grey. Finally, the once silver pelt had decayed and tore into a dark grey, almost black color. It began to bleed everywhere, gouges and gashes slicing through its delicate skin. Its paws revolved around as if every single bone had snapped. It made the most vile sound like a small puppy crying for help and a terrified creature screeching in agony. I tried to help it, but could not move or even feel. I screamed for help, but no sound was made. I made a feeble attempt to close my eyes, but had none to close. All I could do was watch as it suffered and died.
I must be in hell, there is no other explanation for what is happening. It turned, rolled over and suddenly burst into flames. The sight was terrifying, I could feel the burning flesh and charred remains as if I were the one being set aflame. The worst part of this ordeal was that I was glad. I was happy that it was over, as if it died for me, sparing me from witnessing such a massacre of such an innocent animal.
I felt fear no longer after being subjected to murder most foul. I was prepared, willing and ready to face whatever fresh hell the darkness could bring forth. I knew that it was time to leave, but I didn't. I didn't want to go. I felt attached to this darkness, like a child clinging to their new pet dog. But I had to leave. A small light shone in the black emptiness and the darkness, my dear companion, had no choice. It had to leave me. I knew we would be together again someday soon. I had left it alone too many times, this was my last goodbye to the darkness. It would claim a new companion once more.