This is my entry for Derpyspaghetti and Diexilius's Dark Humour Contest. My theme was Lost.

Where am I..... w-what the fuck? Okay like honestly what the hell is going on? I could've sworn I was just in my room right now. This is crazy. No, this is ridiculous. I need to calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

All better now. Okay, I know my name is Jeynnifer Tamlin... I know I'm an 18 year-old Caucasian girl who happens to be diagnosed with AD/HD... I know I live in Idaho. I know I have two sisters and my father left my mother after he walked in on her smoking meth with three other men. I know my life is (or was) a complete wreck... I know it all started after that one ranch party during sophomore year where I got too intoxicated to function.... I know many of my teachers referred to me as, "a genius who makes too many bad decisions." I know Priscilla doesn't talk to me anymore because of what Ronny told her... I know we are close to getting evicted from the landlord who looks like an elf but smells like coconut oil... I know my 1995 Volkswagen will never come out of the impound since I can't afford to get it out and my mom likes to waste the little money she has for her fixes... I know that DUI was just the beginning of my downward spiral... I know I still owe Eppy $60 from that outfit of heroin he fronted me... I know we are almost out of food stamps..... I know I was on the last episode of Lost when the man appeared outside my window. I know I ended up here right after that happened... I know my life is (or was) in shambles and I wanted to just get lost in some sort of fantasy world where everything is chocolates and daisies and happiness, but this is nothing like how I pictured it. I want to go home.

Like how, in all the rationality of this planet and modern times, did I end up in a forest from my bedroom in less than a fraction of a second? Why is the atmosphere here gloomier than usual, blotched with a grayish tinge that make everything look depressing? And why is the man from my window hiding behind that tree? His furtive attempt was not successful, and even though he is very far away I can clearly make out the shape of his head peeping out the wooden pillar. Maybe I should walk up to him and demand answers, this has either got to be an intensely vivid lucid dream which was pried out of the sinister vicinity of my subconscious that desires to be lost somewhere to avoid all the tribulations of my life, or the man who started walking away from me as I attempted to approached him just now is doing something to my head. Why is he giggling? Why can't I make out any facial features from him, or body features for that matter? Better yet, why do I know it's him when I can't even make out his appearance? Maybe because he's the last person I saw before ending up here? He resembled a rugged, dirty homeless man with a long beard who wore a trench coat so immaculate and mint that it looked like it just came out of a Burberry outlet. When he stood stiffly outside my bedroom window staring straight at me with a grin that can only be possible in an animated piece of entertainment, his grim gaze both stunned my nerves and bewildered me. I shrugged it off since it's not surprising to find a homeless man trying to break in a home or ask for money in my side of town. But now his human features are devoid and all I can make out from him are his physique and that exquisite trench coat. And why did he just turn around to tell me, "I know where we are," before giggling like a toddler and skipping off into the distance? Wait, why does it look like his structure lacks any bones? Why do his arms and legs move and sway as if they were composed of nothing but mere rubber? And why do I keep staring at such a disturbing spectacle? I keep watching in awe as the rubber man skips farther and farther away from me, when I should be trying to find a way out of this place. I want to go home.

Okay I'm looking at the ground I'm standing on, and I noticed that there seems to be an unusually eerie pattern with the twigs, fallen leaves, shrubbery, and rocks. They are arranged in perfect equilibrium, each rock I see is exactly the same amount in length away from the next one. The same goes for the rest of the jubilee of greenery on which I step on. I gaze upon the trees, their orthodox evergreen and dark-brown hues have been replaced by black and grey tints which pervades a sense of hopelessness throughout the whole place. The would-be lush leaves filled to the brim with chlorophyll and water are now frigid corpses which look like they would crumble with the slightest touch. I focus closer at pieces of rotting wood suspended from the lowest branch of every single tree, and notice there is a phrase carved on every one. "This way", followed by an arrow pointing to a random direction, on every damn tree. I can probably make out about five-hundred enormous oxygen releasers from right where I stand which possess these signs, and I'm positive the rest have them as well. I don't like the thought of getting lost now. I want to go home.

Okay, I'm going to walk north, where the man skipped off to find him so I can ask him where I am. Wait, no, I'm going to force him to give me my location. I'm going to keep walking north, not altering my direction for any reason. I'm going to do this in order to keep myself from getting any more lost than I already am. And if my luck happens to visit, the man will appear himself to me and I will have another chance to obtain answers. However, walking up to him seems terrifying enough. That maniacally childish demeanor is usually only portrayed in mental patients. Just thinking about it sends chills dashing up and down my spinal column like if they were competing for a gold medal. But if I'm ever to get back to Idaho, he is the person to talk to. I'm going to have to toughen up and demand for a way back. Still contemplating whether this can be just a fucked up dream though, but my doubtfulness grows by the second. This sucks. I want to go home.

I have been walking nonstop for what seems to be hours, yet my surroundings look exactly the same. It feels like I haven't even started moving. This treadmill of a forest is deteriorating any hope I have for this to be just a game my mind is playing. My sanity is slowly being atrophied by the never-ending cornucopia of black and grey redwoods and piercing silence piles the anxiety of a schizophrenic on my shoulders. I know the trees are redwoods because of their size. It's difficult to make out anything in the sky. But, to my fortune, the figure of the man is now in my field of vision. However I don't even think he is a human anymore, therefore I will dub him the gatekeeper, since I'm sure he is the only thing in the way of me and my home. Whenever it is in my range of sight I yell, "hey where am I?," at the top of my lungs only to get the same answer of, "I know where we are," followed by that giggle and skip. I don't know why I've ever contemplated getting lost for attention, now that I think about it, the outcomes could have been devastating. I want to go home.

I'm exhausted. I'm famished. I'm thirsty. Yet, I feel fine. I have this feeling that I don't need food nor drink to survive here. This forest literally has no end. I Haven't encountered a living creature in my whole time scouring this place, save for the gatekeeper, who keeps evading me and repeating the same haunting sentence every time I try to get near. The silence is unbearable. Not even the leaves or twigs crunch or crackle or even snap here. The only sounds which succeed in their trek to my eardrums are my voice and the keeper's voice as well. Now that I think back to the times where I wanted to be left alone, somewhere far away where I was surrounded by no people, I realize how incredibly naive I was. Oh how much I regret ever thinking that. Oh how I want to be surrounded by people. Oh how I want to go home.

I miss my family. I miss my friends, well the tiny amount that I have anyways. I miss my cat Purrshia. I miss lasagna. I miss my hair dryer. I miss that old lady outside my apartment complex who always brooms early in the morning. I miss the mailman dropping off what few letters and envelopes my family receives. I miss watching Bleach. I miss that red stain on my carpet from the time I got my period but didn't have the money to buy tampons. I miss chocolate chip ice cream. I miss the sun. I miss water. I miss Dr. Pepper. I miss my blankets. I miss the warmth of being with people, both physical and emotional. I want to go home, and I'm going to find the gatekeeper and think of a way that will deny it the luxury of skipping away from my grasp. I need answers. I will get home.

"I know where we are."


There it is. You won't get away from me this time you son of a bitch.

Fuck. I tried everything. I simply can't get close enough to it. It's impossible. I think it's been days, or weeks that I've chased this thing around the forever-expanding redwood sanctuary, but no sign of it emerged. I give up. I don't think I'm ever going home. I'm just going to cry while laying on this tree until I forget about my own existence and I fade into this new reality that I've been placed in. Possibly no one has even noticed that I'm gone. Perhaps it is better this way. Perhaps it was always supposed to be like this.

I see something.

Movement. For the first time in days. I can only make out a shape, it looks like a person....

The gatekeeper.

It is walking towards the area I'm currently inhabiting. I don't know whether it knows if I'm here or not, so I'm not going to shout or say anything until he's within a few feet from me at least. He's getting closer and closer, I should make a plan of attack already. Wait-

It knows where I am. It has no countenance whatsoever, yet I know deep down inside that he is fully aware of my location. Its head is faced towards the wooden pillar that I dubbed "My Sobbing Tree", and is walking in the direction of my tears and I. Its footsteps are majestically graceful. It still seems to possess no limbs inside his humanoid structure. Its wobbly paces are still horrifyingly intriguing. I don't know whether to be in terror or splendor. Its trench coat smoothly hovering from the bottom due to the gusts of wind that come every now and then. I realize there is no piece of clothing that can even come close to its pristine style. It is the physical representation of grace. The amber luminescence his body is radiating assures me that it is more than human. I now know it is coming directly towards me. It is wisdom incarnated. Like if it saw and experienced everything the cosmos has to offer, and maybe even more. Then I realized it when it was about twenty feet away from me. It is the creator of our universe. Our alpha and omega. It is our creator, and it will also be our destroyer. Our light and our darkness. The cosmos pushes out of its boundaries of what it once was because he gets bored. I am left speechless at its extravagant sight.

It is about to speak, and I am sure what he says next is going to be knowledge no human has ever known, heard of, or even fathomed knowing. Maybe it has chosen me as one of its disciples. Perhaps the gatekeeper took note of the shitty life that it was giving me, so it is now redeeming himself. Maybe I will rule a galaxy which it specifically chose for me. I am truly blessed. I don't want to go home anymore. I am ready for my destiny.

"Uhhh hey, do you know how to get out of here? I'm a bit lost....hehe."

Written by Reary77
Content is available under CC BY-SA