August/22
I was never alone as a child. I was always surrounded by friends who cared for me and loved me. My family was always there for me and would make my life incredibly joyous. But as the years have passed, it’s all spiralled out of control…
I started to get involved with drugs at a shockingly young age. I was probably about 12 years old. Back then it was considered ‘cool’ to smoke weed day in and day out, but in actual fact it does nothing but fuck your brain cells inside out... then later on I ended up injecting substances…
Even though my parents would tell me horror stories about how disgusting and life-ruining those kind of things are… boy, were they right.
I’ve always been a laidback person, fun to get along with and just an all-round happy-go-lucky type guy. It’s how I met my girlfriend, I’ve never been one to own good looks, so she must’ve fallen for my personality.
Being laidback is probably the best and worst thing a person can be. It’s great because you hardly find yourself meeting with troubles in daily life. But also, that individual will struggle with meeting deadlines and overcoming tasks...That’s why she left me… she said I was ‘too lazy’… “Why don’t you get a real job” she said… But who’s gonna employ an injecting, laidback fuck up with no hope in hell at succeeding in life?!
Being alone is so… destructive… it fucks your brain up just like weed does, believe me.
I can’t stand it anymore… the silence… the antisocialism… the psychological torment.
I need help.
August/23
Writing my thoughts about my life have really helped me, it clears the mind. But it doesn’t clear the problems.
Recently I’ve been having these dreams… well… nightmares.
They are from my past.
I had one a few days ago about my childhood; I remember playing on the swings with my friends, the cool summer breeze ruffling my hair and the sounds of ice cream vans pulling up at the nearest road. Life was so simple back then, no girl problems, no drug problems… no life problems.
But during the dream, I get the sense that someone… or something… is watching me. I never recall having that feeling as a child. But then again, dreams are never 100% linked with true life experiences.
It felt so real. That’s why I consider it a nightmare.
Even when I write this entry, I get that feeling. It’s probably just a bad trip from that strange stuff I injected earlier. It’ll wear off eventu-….. *sigh*
…I still need help.
August/24
I had another nightmare last night. I was older than the last one.
It was during my early teen years. Back when I was a straight A student and my parents were proud of me.
It feels strange to say that my parents were proud of me… I can never remember that moment in my life.
During the nightmare, a shadowed figure is standing in front of me, but I don’t react.
I try to get a look at its face, but it’s completely dark.
He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a bag… the bag contains weed, needles… and every other substance I have taken in my life. As my teenage self goes out to accept the bag, the shadowed figure shouts “NO!” and I felt a large blow to my chest… and that’s when I wake up.
It felt so real, as if the figure jumped into me.
I did some research on the internet and the closest I could get to was that I experienced a ‘Hypnic Jerk’ type feeling.
Maybe I should try to stop taking so many drugs… If only I had the willpower to give up!
God… I need help.
August/25
I should be happy today, it’s my birthday… but considering everything that’s happened, it’s hard to.
My Mother would wake me up and tell me how many presents I have downstairs.
How I would run into the living room and hug my dad and mum for everything they had gotten me.
Every one of my friends would come round and give me a present.
Remembering these memories still gives me the feeling of joy in my life.
Every day I still try to hold on to the memories that time will soon forget.
They’re the only thing I have that keep me from going insane.
Over the other side of my room are some needles… they’ll keep me happy for this occasion.
Happy Birthday to me… I guess.
Even though I know they’re bad for me… oh God… I need them… the inner pain is too much to bear.
Let me just have one taste… one shot of that precious liquid... Oh God
Please… Someone… Anyone… Help me.
August/26
I had the worst nightmare of all last night… on my fucking birthday as well. I would’ve thought at least they would’ve stopped for my birthday.
The nightmare was about me at my current age, the thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing now and my emotions towards my loved ones.
I was in a very long tunnel of blackness. Even though I felt like I was alone, at the same time, I felt like I had company.
At the end of the tunnel a bright light appeared. It was blinding at first, but it soon settled and I could see… my family… my friends… my beautiful ex-girlfriend.
… And I could see myself.
I looked like I hadn’t touched a single pill, needle or joint. I looked… Alive, healthy… Happy.
I tried to walk towards everyone, but in every step I took, a force was starting to pull me back. I briefly looked over my shoulder to see the shadowed figure slowly walking towards me.
In a desperate attempt, I tried sprinting towards the light. But that only resulted in the force becoming stronger.
It felt like my chest was about to cave in on itself, my legs began to grow weaker and weaker. But still I persisted in reaching the light.
A static noise began to grow louder as the shadowed figure began to get closer and closer every second.
I briefly looked back to see how far away it was, but it wasn’t long before he was in arms reach.
He reached out and grabbed my shoulder. The static noise was ear shattering at this point. Then the shadowed figure shouted “I’M HERE TO HELP”
… and it all went dark.
The static noise stopped abruptly, my friends and family disappeared… and I was alone again.
I can’t stop thinking about what the shadowed figure said when he spoke to me. Was he really trying to help me? I have gone beyond believing it’s all just a bad drug trip. It feels too real.
If this thing is really out to help me… then I call out to it.
Please… I’ve been begging for too long now… stop the pain… please… help me.
******/**
I ̧have been Watc͞h̴ing͡.̡ Wa͠i̸tin͜g̕.͢ ̀L̢i͠s͘t̡e͝ning͟.̷ H͡elpin͟g̢.͘ ̕T̨ơ whoev͝ér̛ ŕeąds ̸t̢h̀i͞s,̧ ̛k̷n̶ow tha͘t͟ I͠ am ͜wit̕h ̷y̶o͘u͞ t͏o͝o. I ̛h͠ąv̡ȩ be̛e͜n̢ w̕it̀h ̶yo͟u ̢şi̸n͡ce͟ yo̸u ͟w̸er͠e ̸b̨o͏r͏n̢.̵ I ̢ha͠v͢e̶ fo̶l͏l͢o̕w͞ęd͟ ̷yoú ̀wh͝e͟r͘e͘ ev̛er̵ ̀y̛o̡u͞ go.͡ ̨Y̨ou ͝see me,̨ b̷ut ͢t̸hink͡ no̵thing̵ o̵f m̀e̵.
I ha̡v͞e ͞alw̧a͜y͜s b̨een h͢ere͡. But͜ he ̷n̨ev̴er̴ ̀k̨ńew I͜ answ͜e͡red hi͢s͜ c͢ry ͡of̵ he͟l̸p.
I̷f o̴n̕ly h͡e list̸ęn͠ed. ̨Th͠e dr͞ugs s̷oo̶n͞ got ̧t͏he be̴tteŕ ǫf̕ ͟hi͝m.̷.͜ I t̵rįe͘d ̴t͜o tel̛l h̀įm. ͢But he̕ nèv͜e̵r̀ ̢fel̀t͞ m̧è ͜t͘ryiņg̨ ̛to co̶m͠munica̕ţe̶ ͟t͟hr̸o̡u͝gh̡ hįm.̴ ͡Re͞a͟d̶ the͢ ̀fìr̢s̶t le͢tter̛ o̶f eac͜h ͡s̕en̕t͠e̵n͝c̷e o̕n ̶Augus̷t/̷25͘…
I a͡m̢, T̴h̀e S͠ha͡d͞o̵ẃ.͡