So dear diary, I guess, today I received a letter in the mail informing me that, due to my exhibiting signs of mental instability I was denied remittance to school for the fall semester. Needless to say I was very upset about the news and informed my classmates imminently; they were all just as taken aback by the letter as I was. It is my hope that I will be able to convince the school officials to allow me to return in the spring. Fingers crossed!
I know I don’t use the whole journal thing very much but it does help to ease my mind when I am upset. Today I seemed to have made quite the mistake, I told someone about my feelings toward the suspension. I told them how alone and lost I have been feeling lately, of course as usual I did it in the wrong fashion. Almost instantly my friend was offended and began to lay into me about my behavior. I tried in vain to defend myself, but I know it was useless. All in all I know she is right about it, I really am pathetic and I do complain a lot, I guess I shouldn't talk to people about how I've been feeling. I know it is for the best to keep my mouth shut and pretend, that always seems to please those around me.
I can't say anything, I can't, I can't, I can’t. I need to keep my mouth shut; there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfectly fine and things aren't as bad as I think. I’m blowing things out of proportion again. I am not alone, people really care about me and they are all there for me if I need them. I do not hate anyone and I feel great, right I just have to tell myself that I am fine. If I say anything or act like something is wrong people will get mad again and I don't want to upset those that care about me. I have to be a good girl and keep smiling. I am not a failure and I am perfectly fine and happy. I am over the soul crushing disappointment and lonely feelings. I am fine.
I wish I could go missing. I wish someone would come and take me away into the woods and kill me. I deserve it. My existence only causes pain. Someone, come take me away to my fate. You will be doing those around me a favor.
Today I felt like I hated everyone around me, I felt like I wanted them to feel pain and die from it. I wanted to see them fail and hurt just as much as me. I told someone about it in an attempt to make the feeling go away, but it didn't help much. They just told me that everything was going to be ok and that I had no reason to feel that way. People miss me, they really do and I know that. No need to feel this way. I just need to calm down and focus on finding a job and once I do everything will improve.
So far I have been unable to locate a job and I am starting to feel a little more hopeless. Nope can’t feel sadness, there is no pain and plenty of hope. Just got to keep looking forward, things will look up soon, I just know it.
Was rejected for waitressing job and job selling cell phone, I am a little bummed but I have to keep trying.
I enjoy hearing from people it really makes my day. I miss my friends a lot but I know I will get to see them soon! I have something to look forward to for once, feels good.
Friend decided to pick today to be the day that they reminded me of owing them money. I know I do and I plan to pay her back but at the moment I am strapped for cash. My luck in finding a job hasn't gone to well so I don't really have an income, but I am sure I will figure out a way to pay her back what I owe her. I just hope she realizes it will take me some time to do so and that she has to have some patience.
Otherwise things are good I guess, I still feel like a loser but I've gotten better at putting on a happy face. It is like putting on a latex mask every day, takes some effort but looks good once you get it on. I’m sure I can pull things together soon.
I broke again today, but I didn't let anyone know it. My thoughts were filled with anger and homicidal rage. I have noticed these feelings sneaking up on me more and more lately and it frightens me. I just want to make people feel what I have been feeling, but that is wrong of me.
Wanting something like that is self-centered and cruel after all the things people have done for me. Actually no, the more I think about it no one has done very much for me, but I understand that they are in university and have better things to do than to listen to me whine. I should just leave them alone, they seem quite happy without having to hear from me. I'm glad things are going so well for everyone, I really am. I should see a shrink or something about my feelings though, might be some repressed thing trying to say hi.
Constant reminders of my failures and shortcomings keep flooding in. I can't tell anyone though; if I do it will upset them. Just have to stay quiet like a good girl. Stay quiet self, your stupid feelings are bad, you shouldn't feel them at all. Stop having feelings. You aren't allowed to feel remember that, your feelings only upset those you care about so stop it. Just keep telling yourself that if you continue to feel alone and upset you are only making others feel worse, compared to them and their issues you are nothing! Get over it.
I want to tell someone, but I know better. If I say anything at all it will only make things worse. My heart is not broken and I am happy, so very happy and upbeat. Being home all the time by myself isn't so bad anyway, I can eat whenever I want, sleep in, mess around on the Internet, and write to my heart’s content. I have it made, not a thing wrong here. I still love everyone around me; no one has hurt me because I am the hurtful one.
I am the one who says mean things just to make people feel bad and I should be ashamed of myself. I am a bad rotten person for what I have said and done. Bad, naughty, and cruel little monster who just wants to cut others down and be rude, yes that is me alright. I am a super villain and I need to stop it, my feelings are what make me bad and I can't be bad so I shouldn't have feelings. No feeling means I am good and I want to be good.
I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. I am a bad person because I feel and if I do not feel I am good. My despair and anger are self-indulgent and pathetic; I need to get over myself and think about how these feelings affect others.
I am driving up to the school to attend a dance with my boyfriend tomorrow. I really can't wait; it will be a chance to see people again. It will be nice to longboard and play video games with some of my friends again though I don't think I will get to see many of them.
There are some I think it would be best to avoid though because my presence will only aggravate and offend them further. I find I am not fond of these people anymore but I have to pretend I am. They have hurt me deeply but I have to remember that they are in the right and I am in the wrong, I hurt them by being hurt. Can’t have emotions that do that.
Good day today. I got to be with people and do things that make me truly happy, though I feel the things that make me happy only upset others. I only saw the person who makes me hurt the most once but I know that somehow this will backfire on me. I tried to avoid them as much as possible so I couldn't offend them, but knowing me I will mess up somehow. No can’t feel that way, it is too wonderful of a weekend for my silly thoughts to spoil.
I knew I would mess up again. My mother showed me a message the hurtful one sent her and it only further proves my monstrosity. Even though I tried to give her the space she deserves and I only saw her once I still was able to gravely insult her. I am a horrible person. Not to mention another reminder of the money I owe, not just a horrible person a debtor. I am worthless, worthless, worthless, worthless, worthless little monster.
I did it, I did it, I did it! I figured out a way to make everything go away. Yes I did I cracked the code. I will simply kill the monster, the monster that is living in my head. I will kill it dead, kill it, make it go away forever and ever and everyone will be happy again. Yes, yes everyone will be happy. No one will miss the dirty little monster; they will be so happy and proud of me for getting rid of it. So happy.
The monster in my head is crafty and very sneaky. It finds ways to get out and scamper about. I think I will have to kill it while it sleeps. I have a knife ready, a knife to cut the monster out of me and kill it. It likes to move to my chest and cause this strange pain, but I will fix that as well. I figured out what the monster is playing with and I will cut it out too.
I tried to cut the monster out while it was sleeping but some people came and took my knife away. I will find another way.
A friend from a long time ago is with me now as well as my boyfriend. We went to a Halloween festival yesterday. The monster was quiet while we were there. I can't tell my friend or my boyfriend about the monster or they will get angry with me. The monster is the problem, it and that stupid toy it leaves in my chest. Once my friend leaves and my boyfriend returns to university I will remove them.
I am alone again; the monster will have to go now. I can’t wait any longer, I need to remove it before anyone gets mad at me again. I am tired of all the hurtful things that are being said to me because of the monster. It is the monster that is upsetting everyone and making them hurt me. I found a drill in the tool shed that should do nicely for the monster and a jigsaw for the toy.
Don’t worry everyone I’m going to fix myself. I am going to get better and we can all go back to the way things were. No, no I am wrong, I am fixing everything, but things won’t be the same because I don't think I will be around anymore after I fix myself. I will be gone. Everyone will be happy because I am gone. Gone away forever.