… found at craigslist, she might help out with the table if I nag enough. Goodnight.
09:00 It's me.
-ASSIGNMENT FOR TODAY'S MEETING-
I don't believe in ghosts.
There's no proof that they exist, there's no proof of real paranormal activity out there.
You can't prove it with today's science, nor can you prove what you call a “clear evidence of strange phenomenon”; a real deal. We as people, real human beings cannot even prove that one exists. You need an ID to be real. You need to be one in the database. Your existence is a piece of paper. A document and no more.
With all my faults... There’s got to be a reason to why we have to suffer.
There is a lot of questions in this world that hasn't been solved. Science has not yet been able to prove if God has an existence, but they say ghosts haven't.
This leaves me to the conclusion to delude myself into thinking, there are no ghosts. I don't believe in them because science has told me so. (And so has Mr-someonesomeone)
The only higher power we can think of similar to God is science. We obey and listen. We offer donations and even spread the news to the entire planet whenever something has been discovered. We seek higher knowledge all the time. Perhaps God really is here in our minds right now. But not being the God we have been brainwashed to believe. Perhaps “he “is the desire to seek more knowledge.
Either way, I am wasting too much time in writing this. I had just to write that I didn't believe in ghosts but my hands couldn't stop moving and it turned into a philosophical post, haha. Well I guess it means I am progressing… I think?
It's almost breakfast gotta dash and claim my spot!
11.00 it's meeeeeeeeee
This is stupid.
Doc keeps bugging me, even when I'm in the middle of eating!! Yes I know you will read my “diary” anyway so I'm just going to write this down in case I choke and nearly die from being startled ever again.
A. I was completely a goner. I was trying to figure out why the Americans always eat peanut butter and jelly. I mean, that's such a weird combination. I never really liked the idea of combining two extremely different flavors together. Oh and B. My toast had just the perfect burnt mark. If you would have focused solely on what I was doing instead of assuming!!! That I had a “seizure” again then you could have seen the perfect shape of a banana on my toast. But noooo... you just had to make things worse... Well thanks… Not. Just so you know when dad is coming to visit I am gonna tell on you.
And why do I have to keep writing down dates on everything I write? It's annoying and surely there’s already a timestamp on this app.
Okay I'm sorry for yesterday. I couldn't sleep and stayed awake all night. I was trying to find a way to apologize for yesterday's... Well you know...
I know I have a problem and I'm trying to deal with it, it's just that things are making me stressed from always trying to keep being myself and yeah, sometimes it just happens. I know you will tell me tomorrow on the meeting the exact same thing I said and how “normal” it is to get a little steamy at this point in my treatment. But I just want to say I get mad and it's not good. I'm a bad person and I promise I won't yell at you again. I will keep my promise and continue getting help from you. I suppose you're a little hurt inside even tho you're supposed to be a professional and handle stressful situations. But you're still a person to me. I love you.
14.00 Yo it’s definitely me
Jesus. I guess I fell asleep after all. It’s way too late for breakfast, I’m sure Evie isn’t even in the kitchen anymore. I guess I’ll just head to the store. Guess who’s starving for burritos!
By the way I think I had a strange dream last night… I’m not sure what it was about though.
Either way, today is a good day. I woke up with 0 headaches. The only problem is the hunger. I definitely am going to get better. Just you watch me. There’s nothing that can stop me now, haha!
14.25 I wonder?
Evie says I can’t go out. Why?
I’m sure Stephen is keeping you busy again. I haven’t seen him around though. Is he worse? Well come back here as soon as possible. She won’t tell me anything more and keeps creeping me out. The door’s locked. I’m going to have to ask her again. Sometimes her eyes scare me. They are too shiny.
COME BACK HERE NOW. I NEED TO GO OUT, I NEED TO GO I NEED TO KNOW WHY I CAN’T!! I’M NOT A FUCKING PRISONER YOU CUNT
Am I AM I AM I AM I AM
Going to kill you
16.39 I don’t know who I am anymore
No worries. I’m calmed down. My bed is comfortable but I keep thinking I’m done.
I'm really done, Doc.
I had a seizure again. You can even tell from the last fucking post I even sent. THAT. WAS NOT. ME. OKAY?
I think I’m going to kill myself if this goes on. We both had an agreement. You would make me better. Why? I can’t get better. I don’t think there’s a chance in hell that I’ll ever get a normal life.
Crap, now I’m crying. Damnit…
I just want to live. I want to work, I want children, I want a house near a beach and a dog and a family. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. If I don’t get well I’ll never come to heaven, my other self is certainly making me live in hell even now. I think it’ll be even worse when I die.
Just kill me already. That’s it. That’s all I want..
I woke up with a terrible nosebleed. Evie told me that was the reason I couldn’t go out. Thank god. Imagine the embarrassment of getting it while ordering burritos. He…
No seriously that would had been bad.
Poor Evie. I think she hit her head when I wasn’t myself.
Maybe she needs to see you, you’re a doctor after all aren’t you?
21.45 I’m not feeling like myself
I don’t think I can sleep.
I was thinking about the time when we were at the meeting just before Christmas. You never mentioned what these pills contain. I’m pretty sure a doctor is supposed to tell side effects before the “patient” consumes it. I am a patient aren’t I? Feels more like an obstacle to you though. Well since my mind keeps bugging me about it. I’m going to have to google it.
Too lazy to type. Just gonna copy it.
Common side effects of SSRIs can include:
feeling agitated, shaky or anxious
feeling or being sick
diarrhoea or constipation
loss of appetite and weight loss
sleeping problems (insomnia) or drowsiness
I feel like I have at least half the list on checkmark.
Couldn’t you at least had warned about this?
And where are you?
Note to self:
We need to talk.
Thanks for the meeting. I really needed it. I can’t believe we spent nearly 3 hours talking. I’m sure you’re pretty tired from hearing my voice.
Still can’t believe Evie is there for me after all of this.
Well I guess that’s a professional housemaid for you.
I was about to check in for my daily routine but as I opened the app, there’s already a comment there. Is this a bug?
I showed the tablet to Evie but she says there’s nothing there but a dot. What?
I think she needs glasses.
12.00 Me and dad
Doc I’m afraid of what you told me today. It can’t be a coincidence about the comment.
The part about seconds counting down seems silly though. You seriously can’t believe I’ll get another seizure again like that can you?
I’m not a doctor but believing such shit is an embarrassment towards all other doctors you’ve met. Superstition belongs in fiction. This is reality dude.
Can’t wait for dad to come home. Evie seemed jealous when I talked about him today. Perhaps she’s lonely. Well she turned talkative again when I started a conversation about the shopping mall I want to visit in April. But for some reason she always has that sad look on her. Maybe that’s just how she looks tough. I shouldn’t judge.
15.00 this stupid idiot
OH MY GOD. STEPHEN WHY.
We sat outside in the garden today. It was quite cold so we brought hot cocoa and blankets. It was such a long time since I ever had such a girly talk before! Evie and Charlotte. I think we bonded today. Had such a good time discussing fashion and shoes. We even ordered a pair of bracelets together... It was all fun and laughs until stupid Stephen came and did the biggest shriek in history. What the fuck? Seriously that man needs waaay more sedatives than you prescribed to him.
The dolls has an eye for you. Little Charlie.. We know you are…
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I kept hiding in my room.
Tried getting a hold of the phone. Everything is blocked but this fucking app. Evie is gone. Oh my god. She ran towards me. I was so close to grab her. I think Stephen grabbed her legs. There was so much blood. She cried Charles! The screaming oh God Is this some sick joke? If it is I don't know what I'll do. Jesus. No! I'm going to kill you Charles. I'm going to kill you and your family, I'm going to enjoy killing you. Haha. Oh man, this word sounds so nice to speak out loud. Kill, kill. Kill. Haha. I am going to
I am going to kill you
I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU CHARLES, I HOPE YOU’LL SCREAM.
I want dad here…
Man, I don’t want to die.
I want to live. This stress is unbearable.
I’m changing. I can feel them. They won't leave me alone.
Dad is dead.
Didn't you know?
I killed him.
He wasn't even alive the last time you spoke.
You're sick Mary.
And I will continue to worsen your condition.
Because I exist.