23 June 2044 7:56
Hundreds of spectators gathered around in anticipation of this historical launch. Those who did not attend eagerly watched on their television screens at home. Cameras dotted the grassy field and collected the dew of the foggy morning. The clock showed two minutes till launch. Taking her cue, a young girl stepped up to her microphone and began to sing.
“Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
"What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?”
Three flags fluttered in the gentle breeze. The first, the flag of the United States of America. The second flag was a flag displaying the NASA insignia. The third flag sported a more recently adopted design; the flag of Earth. The crowd remained hushed as the girl continued her song. The lyrics echoed through the field and the excitement could be seen in the face of every man, woman and child. Of course, it would be years before this mission would yield any results at all, but today was an important milestone towards saving mankind.
“And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
"Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.”
For a moment, the song was interrupted by the announcement; “One minute to launch.” Destiny, the first spacecraft intended to explore planets outside our home solar system, sat vertically on the launchpad. The silence was almost eerie, but was shattered by her voice.
“O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
"O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?”
The crowd erupted in cheers as the final few seconds ticked off the clock. “T minus Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.”
The cheering of the crowd was overshadowed by the explosive roar of the engines of Destiny and white clouds billowed from the bottom of the spacecraft.
Log Journal of Destiny Astronaut Jason Falcon
24 June 2044 13:12
So today is my last day on Earth. Well, technically, I’m not “on” Earth at all anymore, I’m actually in a low Earth orbit, but I’m closer to earth than I’ll be for the next thirty-three years, roughly. The plan is to head straight for Kapteyn’s Star at around 85% the speed of light or 250,000 km/sec. That means we’ll spend just over sixteen years headed there, about six months on Kapteyn-b to study it, and another sixteen years headed home. Luckily for us, it will only feel like seventeen years total due to the special theory of relativity. More specifically, it will feel like seven months to us because were going to be in cryosleep for almost the entire trip.
The other six members of my crew and I, (if you can even count John as a “Crew member”) go to sleep tomorrow and won’t wake up until we reach Kapteyn’s Star. This is a good thing because I think I rather jump out of the airlock than spend seventeen years with these guys. In all seriousness, we’ve been selected specifically to compliment each others personalities so we don’t rip each other to shreds in the few months that we will be awake in the aggressively tiny, accessible portion of this spacecraft. My other crew members are an amazing bunch of guys (And girl) and I would trust them with my life. Which is good because it’s more than likely that I will have to before this trip is over.
We’ve all been saying our goodbyes even though the next thing we remember we’ll be waking up thirteen light years away with nothing much to look at but each others faces. So, yeah, I’m willing to give up seventeen years of my precious youth for this opportunity; I really love space. But hey, who else can say that they’ve visited another star? It will all be worth it when we’re regarded as world heroes for discovering a new home for when Earth is no longer habitable. This will be my only log prior to the cryosleep. See you in sixteen years!
13 April 2051 6:09
I woke up to alarms and a cramp in my stomach. It’s nine years early, so I assumed it must be some important maintenance. Oddly though, the ship decided to do an emergency thaw; a very dangerous quick version of the thawing process. I quickly discovered why, the ship was losing oxygen and fast. I extended my cryogenic storage tank, basically a glorified, frozen coffin, and crawled out. Oxygen alarms sounded all throughout the cabin and I rushed to the main control area. I realized what had happened; there had been a major leak in the oxygen so the ship had prioritized the cryogenic storage tanks, pumped oxygen from the main cabin into the tanks, and performed an emergency thaw. Oddly, though, the ship had only thawed me, I assumed that I was the only one needed to fix the problem.
I continued to assess the situation, but the controls were becoming increasingly confusing and daunting. I started to realize that I was getting oxygen deprived and I began to panic. Blackness clouded the edges of my vision. Just before passing out I realized what had really happened. With the last of my strength I redirected the oxygen to the main cabin and sealed off the oxygen to the tanks. My only hope was that the leak existed somewhere in the tanks and sealing them off would stop it.
The next thing I remember I was waking up, slouched uncomfortably in the control chair, still loosely belted in. Oxygen levels in the cabin were stable. I was alive. Unfortunately, as I had learned just prior to blacking out, the same could not be said about the rest of my crew. I was the only one left. All the alarms were off and I had some more time to figure out what was going on. I learned that the leak was located somewhere in the tanks and I was able to isolate it by cutting off the oxygen supply to them. The computer had, in fact, attempted to thaw all of the crew, but it prioritized my oxygen during the quick thaw. The computer had to insure that at least one of us got through the thaw alive and was able to fix the problem, but why me? Why did the computer prioritize my oxygen supply out of the whole crew, who the hell designed that and didn’t tell me about it?
It wasn’t until writing this that I realized the gravity of this situation. All of my crew members are dead and I’m alone in space traveling away from Earth at 250,000 kilometers a second. This is really bad. I can’t stand to think about how they must look right now, half thawed in those refrigerators. I can’t help but think about my family, I’m not married, which is the only reason I was actually able to go on a thirty-three year trip, but my parents are going to have no idea what’s going on until I get back to our home system. Destiny has no long range communication systems for a variety of reasons but most importantly, the ship is already traveling close to light speed so messages would take forever to reach the ship and the distance back to earth is simply way too far away for current technologies to reach. So I’m alone and no one is coming to save me. All this adrenaline paired with the fact that I’ve been asleep for eight years has left me incredibly drained. I’m going to take one last check on all the computer systems and then get some sleep.
13 April 2051 12:13
They told us that waking up from cryogenic storage wasn’t going to feel good, but they didn’t say that I was going to feel like this. I awoke more sore than I’ve ever been. I guess earlier I had too much adrenaline to feel much of anything but that’s worn off and I feel terrible. The lining of my stomach feels like it’s on fire, my mouth is dry and I can barely walk. The very first thing I did when I woke up was bolt to the water reclaimer and chugged until I thought I might puke. When frozen, all your biological processes are temporarily suspended. This means that you don’t need oxygen, water, food, or anything else really, so long as you say frozen.
This also means that you wake up extremely thirsty and with a killer headache. It will be a few days before I’m fully recovered from the storage. I’ve learned some very troubling facts. I can’t put oxygen back into the tanks until I fix the leak and the only way I’ll be able to fix the leak is by doing an EVA. I don’t know how I’ll fix the leak exactly but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now I have to face the reality that going outside the ship right now is a really bad idea. This means that I’ll have to wait until I reach Kapteyn-b to do the EVA necessary to fix it. More importantly, no oxygen means no cryogenic storage. The computer won’t let me freeze myself unless I have an oxygen flow to the tanks. All this to say, I’m going to have to spend the next nine years (It will feel like four-and-a-half years) alone on this ship, awake, by myself.
This led to another troubling discovery. As I said before, you don’t need any food when your frozen, which means NASA was kind enough to only leave us will seven months worth of food each. Seven months times seven crew members makes three-and-a-half years worth of food. I may be able to stretch that to four years since I won’t be burning many calories but not the full four-and-a-half years (Assuming I turned around as soon as I got to Kapteyn’s Star). I can figure out a solution later, I have plenty of time. I’m going to spend the rest of the day searching the cabin for anything useful and running check on all the system’s to make sure there are no more major problems.
15 April 2051 16:56
I kept thinking about how time was going so quickly yesterday. I expected to sleep in some today since I went to sleep around 23:00 but I woke up at 19:45. I slept for almost twenty-four hours. “Duh,” I realized aloud, relativity. Einstein does it again. Every minute I spend on this ship is two minutes on my clocks, which are adjusted to display Earth time. We were never supposed to be awake while traveling this speed so it’s not something NASA ever thought about. I’ll readjust my sleep schedule so that I sleep during even days and I’m awake during odd days. It doesn’t help that the ship is lit with the world's most oppressive fluorescent lights that I can’t figure out how to turn off. I was never actually meant to control the ship like this, that was Matthew's job, but I had been briefed on all the controls just in case something happened and sure enough…
In my searches I found... No more food, limited supplies that I already knew about (some tubing, repair supplies, gum, etc), and some books and music brought by my crewmates. One book in particular, Pale Blue Dot by Carl Sagan stuck out to me, a book that, as an Astronaut, I really should have read by now, but had somehow managed to avoid. The pale blue dot refers to earth and its tiny size in comparison with the vast cosmos. It’s very fitting for this trip and I can see why Daniel brought it along, I’ll enjoy reading that one. John also brought along a bible. Most of my crew is religious (if you couldn’t tell by their names). Personally, I’ve never really thought much about it. I’ve always been into space and I guess that keeps me covered on my “spiritual” quota, but I’ve got a lot of time so maybe I’ll become a little bit more religious. It probably could help my outlook because things aren’t looking very good. I think I thought of a potential way to survive with enough food until I reach Kapteyn-b. I wonder how long partially-frozen meat lasts...
Oh shit! I finally found the light switch! Thank God. I can finally get some real sleep. Never mind; as soon as I turn the lights out some dim orange emergency lights come on. I suppose that’s better than nothing.
17 April 2051 17:22
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. Whether to survive or die. I’ve concluded, after much thought, that the only way I’m getting out of this situation alive is to eat my dead crew members for nourishment. I can’t believe I’m actually considering this. I decided that I’d rather die than live the rest of my life with that on my conscience. I could never defile the corpses of my friends, I just don’t have it in me. I have to come up with another way to survive or I’m going to die out here.
I decided to consult the my handy bible to see what it had to say about…. about cannibalism. I found two verses.
Leviticus 26:29—“You shall eat the flesh of your sons, and you shall eat the flesh of your daughters.”
Jeremiah 19:9—“And I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and their daughters, and everyone shall eat the flesh of his neighbor in the siege and in the distress, with which their enemies and those who seek their life afflict them.”
It doesn’t seem like "God" really likes cannibalism. Reading this made me wonder whether or not this “God” was testing me with this ordeal. Had I sinned so badly that the only proper punishment was forcing me to eat the flesh of my friends to survive. Was I deserving of such a punishment that I would be reverted to a primal, beast-like state of kill or be killed? (Or rather, eat or be killed) I’m pretty sure animals eat their own species and don’t mind, but my crewmates aren’t just livestock. They had hopes and dreams and aspirations, many of which I knew and shared with them. How could I ever degrade their bodies like that. I continue to tell myself that I will never do this, but I fear that my instinct to survive will overcome the illusion of honor that I still hold dear.
For now I’m eating the food that NASA sent with us. It’s pretty good for space food, especially considering I haven’t had a good meal in nine years. Speaking of which, my symptoms seem to be lessening. My headache has subsided and I’m able to move more freely, though my soreness and aching still persist.
19 April 2051 14:24
Dammit! If I’m going to die why don’t I just do it now. All I’d have to do is cut off the oxygen supply and blackout and it would be over. If I’ve exhausted all my options I don’t understand why I haven’t just ended it yet. If I know I’m going to starve I don’t see much of a reason to sit here for years and wait on my death; I should go out with dignity and honor and die with my crew. But I’m a coward. I stare at the controls, knowing exactly how to turn off the oxygen supply, but I can’t do it. I just sit there and cry and my tears well up on my face because of the surface tension and because there’s no gravity to pull them down my cheek.
I continued to read through John’s bible and found, fittingly, the verse I was looking for.
John 3:16—“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
And so I finally accepted what I had to do. I decided to survive. Not for me, but for mankind. And dammit, if God is going to damn me to hell because I ate some already-dead people so that I could get to Kapteyn-b and potentially save all of mankind then so be it. If “God so loved the world” then certainly he’d want me to save it.
21 April 2051 5:51
I have a lot of time on my hands, I spend most of my days looking out the windows of the cabin at the vastness of space. I feel like I’m adrift in the most massive ocean mankind has ever set sail upon. Albeit, I’m aboard what is likely the most expensive ship ever made. I figure the price of the ship is irrelevant if it’s unable to safely deliver its passengers.
The time that I don’t spend looking out the glass, I spend somersaulting through the air. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a little bit of death and misery ruin my fun in zero gravity. As unprofessional as it may sound, (I think these logs have become much more unprofessional than they were originally intended anyway) one of the things I was most looking forward to about this trip was the limited amount of time I got to spend bouncing off the walls in zero G. Looking on the bright side, I have all this room to myself now; I just hope I don’t break anything.
As fun as Zero G is, I’ve found myself getting increasingly bored and I know that the next few years are going to be very, very long. I’m almost already through the whole bible and it’s only been a few days. I know it’s unusual to read the bible like a novel, but it’s one of the only books I have and I’m saving Pale Blue Dot until I really need it.
23 April 2051 12:12
I finished the whole bible! I know that doesn't sound all that exciting but for me it’s a big deal. You’d think the experience would’ve left me feeling all spiritual and at peace but mostly I feel anxious. One popular story that stuck out to me and was relevant was the story of Noah’s Ark. I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not the situation back home on Earth had anything to do with that. I made the connection of my ship, Destiny, to the ark, but I don’t really remember Noah eating his family. That being said, after the flood God did tell Noah:
"Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.”
And that was unsettling to say the least. It’s probably just a coincidence but my mind keeps playing games with me and, being alone all day in this tiny cabin with only a few books, I’m destined to make some connections.
I’ve been putting off what I have to do but if I keep putting it off the meat will go bad and it will all be for nothing. As much as I don’t want to, I’m going to go prepare some of the meat to be eaten.
25 April 2051 7:31
Last night (In my new adjusted schedule) was easily the worst night of my life. First decision, who to eat first. I decided Carlos; He is the largest of us and we weren’t all that close. I won’t get into the details but I had some tools in my toolbox and I salvaged the edible meat and left what was remaining in the tank and pushed it back into the wall. The look on his face was a look of betrayal and I couldn’t help but think I had made a horrible mistake, but I pressed on.
I had my first… meal… last night. I don’t have anything that can start a fire, since NASA was sure to make everything on this ship 100% fireproof. Even if I was able to make a fire, I wouldn’t be able to make one every day so I decided to just eat the meat raw. It wasn’t good, but it was edible and I tried not to think about what I was doing. It definitely took an emotional toll though, I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done and I feel sick to my stomach. All my symptoms from the cryosleep are gone but they've been replaced with worse symptoms from this experience, most notably nausea and headaches.
I’m about to have my second meal followed by a day of staring into space and thinking about what I’ve done.
27 April 2051 17:12
More system checks today. I’m going to start Pale Blue Dot. I know I said I should wait until I really need it, but I really need it.
2 May 2051 12:43
I found a passage in the book that was circled in black pen, presumably by Matthew. It follows a picture of the Earth taken by Voyager one, a space probe launched almost seventy years ago. The picture shows Earth, an infinitesimally small dot in the middle of a vast blackness.
“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every 'superstar,' every 'supreme leader,' every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.
"Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
"The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.
"It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”
And then there’s me. I’m sitting aboard the equivalent of Voyager one, Destiny. The Earth is way too far away to be seen from here but I can imagine just how small it would be. It dawned on me that I am further away from Earth than any human has ever been in the history of Mankind. I think it’s interesting how dangerous the universe is. All that’s keeping me from boiling alive is a thin sheet of metal or glass. This ship, Destiny, is like a pocket of life in the vast death that is the Cosmos, and even it is filled with death. I used to have an amazing fascination with the cosmos and all its beauty and wonder, but what kind of God would make a universe where 99.9% of it will kill you instantly?
Two of the lines of that quote are highlighted in orange sharpie. The first:
“In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.”
I’m not sure why Matthew highlighted this line, or if it was him at all, but if he only knew how relevant this quote would be, not only for Earth itself, but for me and Destiny. No one is coming to save me and no one is going to save Earth if we don’t do it ourselves. This quote gives me newfound hope and purpose and I am reminded that I’m doing what I have to in order to ensure that mankind will live on. At Least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
The next highlighted line is:
“Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.”
This one makes a little bit more sense. It’s just like Matthew and it directly relates to our mission. Back in 1990 humanity had no place to settle other than Earth. That was our mission, to change that. We were supposed to give mankind a new home, but Matthew never made it.
6 May 2051 13:05
My sleep schedule is messed up. It’s hard to keep it straight when you’re in complete control of how light it is in the cabin. Space is always dark, daytime just means I have the lights on. Everybody knows who Carl Sagan is, but I don’t think anyone knows Carl Sagan as well as I do. Sure, some people have read his full biography or knew him personally, but no one has known him the way I know him by studying his text so religiously. I may not know where the man was born, but I understand who he was by studying his writing. Ok, that may be an exaggeration, but when you’re all by yourself for years with a handful of books, you want those books to be yours.
9 May 2051 7:16
I spent some time re-reading the bible and I found something worth sharing. Revelations 8:12.
“The fourth angel blew his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of their light might be darkened, and a third of the day might be kept from shining, and likewise a third of the night.”
I don’t know exactly how this relates to my situation but I know there’s something in there.
11 May 2051 14:14
The boredom is getting much worse and I’m running out of things to do. I’m having anxiety of being stuck in this tiny cabin and I’ve been having nightmares of my crewmates coming back to life and crawling out of their storage tanks, their flesh rotting off their faces. In the dream, I had the audacity to worry about how, if the meat was rotting, I couldn’t eat it. I decided to have a quick look this morning. All the bodies are in good condition and definitely not alive. Up to this point, I’d been too paranoid to even open the other storage tanks but I needed to check on the meat.
I’ve started the nasty habit of watching the clock, as if expecting a day or two to just disappear. This just makes time go slower and I get even more miserable. I reanalysed the verse from earlier.
“The fourth angel blew his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of their light might be darkened, and a third of the day might be kept from shining, and likewise a third of the night.”
What’s interesting about this is that both a third of the day and a third of the night are missing. “That’s not less sun shining,” I realized, “That’s less time!” Relativity. And then I had a horrible thought. I rejected the idea, disgusted at its ludicrousness. But a lump rose in my throat as I looked at the numbers finely painted on the cryosleep tanks. One, two, three, four, five, six and seven. And on mine, the number four. The seven angels of Revelation, the seven crew members of Destiny, the fourth angel. I decided to re-read the surrounding verses to get some more clues.
The other angels sound trumpets that call for horrible plagues and death to happen on Earth. The more I think about it the more ludicrous I think that the connection is. I just can’t help but feel like this has something to do with us, like were triggering key events in the Revelation.
The main lights just went out and the emergency lights came on. I can’t seem to get them back on. This whole time I’ve been complaining about the oppressive lights and now, as soon as their gone, I yearn for them. I fear I will be in near darkness for the rest of this trip.
15 May 2051 16:09
To be clear, I don’t need my other crew members to complete the mission. The main reason seven crew members came along is to keep everyone sane for the time we were intended to be stuffed in Destiny’s Cabin or on the lander module on the surface of Kapteyn-b. Destiny does most of the work automatically. The crew is only here to do repairs and to land on the surface of Kapteyn-b. I won’t be able to land on the surface with just one man but I can still get plenty of data and make the mission worthwhile. Once I get to Kapteyn-b I can do an EVA and get the oxygen breach filled and I can cryosleep all the way back home.
Today I did some more systems checks and planned out every step of the mission from now until I reach home on some scrap paper NASA conveniently provided. I’m starting to get more hopeful that I can complete the whole mission and still return a hero, only to be overshadowed by the sacrifice of my crew members for the success of the mission. Doubt has inevitably set in and I’m starting to wonder whether or not I will actually be regarded as a hero or a monster.
19 May 2051 13:52
I’ve read all the books now. Listened to all the music. Multiple times. I can’t find anything else worthy of doing with my time. I don’t think I’m going to read the bible anymore, it just makes me feel worse than before and I’m more uncertain after putting it down that when I picked it up in the first place. I’ve found more understanding in Pale Blue Dot and some of the other science related reads (yeah, us astronauts like science books, big surprise there). I’ve found peace in the humility demonstrated by the astronomy books and beauty in the chemistry books. In hard times people, including myself, like to turn to spirituality, but the natural world seems to be the best opiate for me. It’s ironic really, I love the cosmos so much yet it’s constantly, patiently waiting to kill me. Speaking of which, the carbon dioxide alarms are going off and I’m not sure why (maybe it’s carbon dioxide).
21 May 2051 3:62
Yeah, it’s carbon dioxide. Something’s wrong with my air regulator. Ideally, the regulator keeps carbon dioxide at normal levels, but for some reason the levels are steadily increasing. I guess my perfect little oasis isn’t so perfect anymore. Thanks NASA. In reality, NASA’s genius engineers are the only reason I’m still alive and are probably going to be responsible for saving the human race. Only because they were able to come up with an ingenious way to travel at 85% the speed of light are we even able to make this trip. I’ll just have to fix this regulator before the carbon dioxide levels reach lethal levels. I’ll get to it tomorrow, I’m re-reading Pale Blue Dot... Yes... Again.
23 May 2051 6:12
Carbon dioxide levels have reach 4% and climbing. Symptoms will start at around 5% and I’ll be unconscious at 10% so I need to fix it by then. I messed with the reclaimer for an hour or so and I can’t find the problem. Not to mention it’s dark because the main lights aren’t working and I’m trying to see using only the emergency lights. I fished a flashlight out of the supply cabinet but that didn’t help much. I’m starting to get worried about this. Luckily, NASA’s engineers made everything really easy to repair and I have schematics for everything on the ship. I’m running low on my meat and I haven’t been eating as much so I got faint after staring at the schematics for too long. Tomorrow I’ll fix the reclaimer and prepare some new meat.
25 May 2051 8:13
Shit. I can feel the effects of the carbon dioxide already. It’s sitting at 7% and I’m wondering why I took so long to fix this and let it get so bad. I should have repaired the regulator earlier because the CO2 is making me so dizzy that it’s almost impossible. If I can’t manage to fix the reclaimer, this may have all been for nothing.
No. No. No. No. I lost the schematics. I don’t know how to fix this damn thing without the schematics. I know I left them in the supply cabinet yesterday. I’ve searched everywhere in this tiny cabin and they’re nowhere to be found. How could I misplace something in this small of an area. I need to keep searching, only 8% CO2 levels.
27 May 2051 16:12
I found the schematics and fixed the regulator. Carbon dioxide levels are back down to normal, thank God. Oddly enough, I found the schematics in a locked cabinet under the control panels. I don’t remember ever using those cabinets let alone storing something in them. I assume I was just so dizzy from the carbon dioxide that I mistook the locked cabinet for the supply cabinet, but I would think I’d remember using the key.
All that matters is that I’m no longer in any immediate danger. All system’s seem normal. Also, the lights flickered back on today which was a big help in repairing the regulator. It’s refreshing to have lights and the cabin is a lot messier than I remember it being. I’ll spend the rest of the day cleaning up the cabin.
29 May 2051 9:16
I lost my science books. Admittedly, this is getting a bit weird. How could I lose the only possession that I really care about. I CANNOT lose these books though, I have to find them.
You’re going to laugh at me when you hear where I found the books. I found them in the locked cabinet. But when I found them I didn’t laugh, I began to cry. I didn’t cry because I was sad, I cried for every other reason. I cried because I was happy to find my books but most I cried because I didn’t put my books in the locked cabinet. I’m still crying and I don’t know why but it’s getting hard to write.
31 May 2051 16:14
I decided to check the cameras to see how my books ended up in the locked cabinet. Immediately after checking the recorded footage the first thing I noticed was how horrible I looked. Somehow, despite having nothing else better to do, I hadn’t kept up with even the most basic hygiene. To be fair, there’s not enough water for us to shower, but we have soapy water and towels to simulate a shower and we definitely have enough toothpaste and deodorant. I guess when there’s no one else there to smell you, you don’t take care of yourself as well. Even so, I looked worse than that. I had a longer than expected beard, matted hair, and bloody, stained clothes.
Then I saw what I was really looking for. I watched myself grab the science books from the supply cabinet, unlock the cabinet, place the books inside, lock it, and resume staring out the window. I can’t, for the life of me, remember doing that.
I took the rest of the day to very thoroughly clean myself and the rest of the cabin. I also shaved my face and clipped my nails. I feel significantly better than before and I wasted a whole day!
2 June 2051 19:24
I cleaned most of the day away again. Not much to say here except the cabin is as neat and organized as the day I arrived!
4 June 2051 6:31
I’ve been putting it off again but today’s the day. Who’s next? I chose John. I don’t even know why but I just chose him like a lottery. Then began the cutting, tearing, and the face of betrayal. I decided to go about it differently though. I prayed for him before the “Procedure” and placed a sheet over his face. Looking back at some of my old journal entries I feel pretty barbaric about how I did it last time. I think I was so overwhelmed by the process that I didn’t have time for anything else. This procedure was so painless that I've decided I’ll go ahead and cut up Matthew and Jennifer today too.
No more meat cutting for a few months. I had a nice meal once I was done and I didn’t feel as guilty as before, I felt like I had given them the respect they needed.
6 June 2051 12:34
One of the things that I’ve been neglecting is working out. If you’re not careful the lack of gravity in space can make your muscles weak. I’ve been more careful about this recently and I’ve been doing all the exercises that I was told to do. I’ve been keeping busy and I feel as good as someone all alone in the middle of space, eating his friends could feel.
8 June 2051 0:00
Happy Birthday to me! Today I turn twenty-nine. I know my parents are celebrating even though I’m not there. This reminded me that Carter’s birthday was a few days ago. To be fair, we slept through about eight of his previous birthdays. But since I’m awake I figured I’d celebrate his alongside with mine. I went back to the rations that NASA provided and ate the most glamorous meal I could find, for the both of us.
10 June 2051 9:12
I started to read the bible again. Maybe out of boredom, maybe out of interest, I’m not really sure but I did and I’m glad I did because I found this verse.
Matthew 6:26—“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”
This made me think that maybe God wants me to get fed. Despite how horrible it is, maybe this is all necessary for some reason. I’m going to eat. I’m going to eat so that I can survive. Not for me but for mankind.
12 June 2051 2:35
I went to turn on the lights this morning and they didn’t turn on. My heart dropped; No more lights. I have an odd feeling that they’re gone for good this time, but I’m not a man of superstition without cause so I’m going to keep trying.
14 June 2051 6:15
My sleep schedules off again, I need to get that back on track. I keep reading the bible in search of another verse that will cheer me up. I’ve already read every verse but sometimes when I read the same thing at a different time it can mean something completely different, so I keep reading. I spent a lot of the day looking out into space, something I’ve avoided doing recently. I have to remember to keep doing my exercises but it’s hard in the dull orange light of the cabin.
16 June 2051 12:13
Something horrible happened today. I think I saw a cockroach. I am deathly afraid of roaches. I’m not generally afraid of things, let alone insects, but cockroaches hold a special place in my own personal hell. I know; I know. A cockroach could never live for eight years on a spaceship but I know I saw it and I’m paranoid that he’ll crawl into my bunk at night and down my throat or something. It’s an illogical fear, I know, but the brain rarely functions on logic alone.
18 June 2051 19:19
I spent all day searching for the cockroach. Finally, my worries have subsided. There is no cockroach on Destiny. Thank God.
20 June 2051 16:42
Spent today doing system checks and reading books. I had to do a little maintenance on the water reclaimer but nothing serious. Destiny is working fine.
12 July 2051 14:35
I haven't been doing my log lately. I was supposed to log every day that I was awake, but obviously that was supposed to be for seven months not for four years. Also the time difference means that I’ve only been doing a log every other day. Nothing interesting has happened and I didn’t see much of a reason to log anything. It’s not like there’s much NASA can learn from what I do on a day to day basis while stuffed in this giant metal deathtrap.
I logged today just to update. I’ve been doing plenty of reading, some exercising, and keeping up with my hygiene as much as possible. The cabin isn’t that clean but it’s been worse and I’ll have fun cleaning it all up in a day later. I’m 100% sick of all the music that my crew brought with them and I’m only about three months in. This is going to be such a long trip.
24 July 2051 0:31
I saw the cockroach again today. I knew at that moment that my mind was deceiving me but as hard as I tried I could not make it disappear. There it was as clear as day. I grabbed a book and went after it but it quickly scurried behind some wiring and was gone. I looked through the bible on anything about roaches. I found a lot on locust but nothing on roaches. Then again, I’m not really sure I’d know what I was looking at if I did see a locust so maybe that’s close enough.
Exodus 10:4—“If you refuse to let them go, I will bring locusts into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields.”
26 July 2051 19:12
I saw the locust, I mean cockroach today. It was on the ceiling of the cabin next to one of the emergency lights. I swung my book frantically at it and in the process I managed to destroy the light but not the roach. Damn.
28 July 2051 0:35
I swear I felt roaches crawling on me in the night. I’m terrified.
13 August 2051 2:13
I haven’t been sleeping much, every time I sleep I dream that roaches are crawling on me and I wake up to myself scratching the skin off my legs. Instead I just stay awake and snack on my meat and look out the window. I realize that before too long I’ll be able to eat NASA's food again and this nightmare will be that much closer to being over.
24 August 2051 6:09
Still haven’t been sleeping much. The Zero Gravity is starting to get old and I miss being able to walk around normally. I miss the trees and the grass and the blue sky and I miss being on Earth with my friends and family and I miss having something to do other than stare out a window.
6 September 2051 9:19
I hadn't seen the cockroach for at least a week and I thought it was finally gone but boy was I wrong. Now there’s more, at least three. I see them constantly, they won’t stop taunting me and I can’t kill any of them. They sit there, on the wall opposite to me, taunting me to kill one of them to verify my sanity but they escape my grasp.
8 September 2051 16:12
Today I ran out of meat and had to cut up my fifth crew member, Carter. I didn’t do the bible regiment with Carter. I thought about it but his face looked angry and it made me angry and I didn’t think Carter deserved it. Carter had a lot more blood than the others which was odd and annoying and I got mad at him for a moment before realizing how stupid that was.
24 September 2051 6:02
Carter was a small guy and I need to cut up my final crew member today. Thank God that I’m almost done eating these guys. I’ll be glad to go back to eating something better soon. I thought there was cockroaches in his body. I knew there couldn’t be but I could see them with my eyes and feel them on my arms and I vomited on the floor. The smell from the body was horrible. I finished cutting up the flesh that I could salvage and piled the remains back in the tank. I never have to cut up another human being for the rest of my life.
26 September 2051 12:13
My final crew member’s flesh tastes putrid and horrible but I have no choice. The cabin is starting to smell like death and body odor but I can’t be bothered to clean it.
3 October 2051 23:53
I hate these stupid lights. All I want is some real darkness so I can get one night of real sleep in this damn cabin. I hate this small cabin, it’s cramped and it smells and it’s lonely. I hate NASA.
23 October 2051 0:10
I haven’t slept in a week. I’ve found a verse in the bible that I like.
Matthew 27:52—“The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised.”
I cry whenever I read it. If this happened to my friends I would be more happy than you can possibly imagine. Even though I’ve been reading the bible I haven’t once prayed, but I prayed that God would bring my friends back to life.
14 November 2051 21:42
I ran out of human meat. I ran out of human meat. I ran out of human meat. I ran out of human meat. I get to eat NASA's food for the next three-and-a-half years and I never have to eat anyone ever again!
16 November 2051 6:13
NASA’s food isn’t as good as I remember. I miss my meat.
17 November 2051 12:23
Thanks a lot NASA. Thank you so much NASA for this nasty freeze-dried meat. This is not meat. This isn’t food. A man needs real meat to survive. Maybe I could eat some of the cockroaches.
18 November 2051 13:16
Some of my NASA food went missing. I figure I’ll have to eat some of the human remains I left over in order to survive. I went for the freshest remains and harvested what was still good to eat.
24 November 2051 6:19
The cockroaches are reproducing. Maybe they stole my missing food, they have to be eating something. Now there’s hundreds. I think they’re attracted to the lights because they crowd around them.
25 November 2051 9:09
I woke up this morning to almost pitch blackness. The roaches must have destroyed the rest of my lights in the night. The only light I had crept in from the windows from distant stars. I grabbed my flashlight from the cabinet to look around. The roaches scurry away from the oppressive light of my flashlight and I can only see them scurry away. Happy thanksgiving. I celebrated by eating the last of the remains that I gathered.
30 November 2051 0:13
I used to spend most of my time reading by flashlight but today my flashlight batteries died. I was so angry that I threw it across the cabin and the flashlight broke something. I don’t know what it was nor do I care. I’m still eating NASA's shitty food by starlight.
3 December 2051 23:14
I think the roaches are coming from outside the spacecraft so I have to seal it off. I saw one come right through the window earlier today, It crawled right through the glass. I used everything I could to plug holes in the cabin and I used pages of my bible to cover the windows. Maybe the roaches are demons and the pages will keep them out. That gave me a great idea, I spread the pages of the bible everywhere throughout the cabin to protect me from the demons. I’m finally safe.
6 December 2051 18:16
I finally understand how I connect to the angels of Revelation. I can’t tell you. I’m going to keep it to myself. It’s between me and God now and NASA can never know.
8 December 2051 12:19
The roaches weren’t stopped by the pages. They crawl on them and leave their retched feces on my pages. The bastards.
Every time I close my eyes they crawl all over me. I can feel them under my skin. I scratch until my skin comes off but I can never make it stop. My arm’s and legs barely have any skin left on them at all. If I don’t have skin, no bugs can crawl under it.
14 December 2051 0:31
I finally understand why I had to eat my friends. God will never let us interfere with his plans. He was punishing me for my actions. He sent the roaches like he sent the locust. My personal hell on Earth... In space.
25 December 2051 12:00
Merry Christmas. I celebrated with the rest of the crew today. John didn’t come and I don’t know why.
26 December 2051 13:19
Today I realized I’m not going to make it to the star. I was never meant to. If I made it home I would be the scum of the Earth. The only proper thing to do is ensure that no one ever finds out what happened on Destiny.
27 December 2051 06:66
Today I changed the navigation to steer directly into Kapteyn’s Star. Destroying all evidence of my heresy. I will burn my sins.
1 January 2052 0:00
I didn’t turn off the oxygen, it was the cockroaches. I just watched them do it then I watched the oxygen meter slowly lower. I didn’t know if this was what I wanted but it was my destiny. I watched the meter tick down until I started to get tired, then I sat down to write this log. And the lights went out and I
End of Log journal of Destiny Astronaut Jason Falcon.