The following was taken from the personal diary of Rober Filson, who is currently serving a life sentence in Ohio State Penitentiary for the murder of Mary Ullman...
Sat. 29, Oct. '08
Well... my crush on Mary was a lie I've discovered.
I've posted all my insecurities and feelings on my blog.
For my other friends, they responded in seconds. It's been half an hour and only one person I don't even consider much of a friend has responded. Mary's online on IRC... she isn't saying anything.
She really doesn't care for me as a friend, does she?
Sun. 30, Oct. '08
She always ignores me when I try to talk to her. She said to talk to other people about my "angst".
And then she plans entire fucking events without me being even a blip on her mind's radar.
Mon. 31, Oct. '08
I talked to her about it and she said she cared for me and she'd like to help.
Ha ha ha That's a lie. Like my entire fucking life
So I vented on my blog and they all came to comfort and help me... which is nice.
Mary even told me to call her and we just ... talked ... like friends.
Tues. 01, Nov. '08
I hope the prom is awesome this year 'cause I want to bring Mary along.
Thur. 03, Nov. '08
I don't think I can wait that long. I mean, she's a beautiful, sweet, talented girl... Somebody's going to ask her out... and what if she says yes?
But she's the one I love
She's everything I have ever wanted in a woman..
Fri. 04, Nov. '08
Why does she always refuse my help whenever I try to help her with her homework?
I just want to help
She says she's having problems and she'd like help
I offer to help and I get a "Nah thanks for the offer though" EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Sat. 05, Nov. '08
Need ideas for Mary
Fri. 11, Nov. '08
It's been a couple hours and can't think of an excuse and she's not on IRC so....
I know she's probably at home but it's 10 P.M. And I don't know her weekend schedule.
She's updated her Facebook with a picture of her friends at a pizza restaurant.
And she didn't invite me.
Sat. 12, Nov. '08
So I was online, being all mopey as usual, when Mary suddenly messages me asking if we can talk on Wednesday which is the first open day for her and saying she really needs to talk to me about things she's noticed recently. She didn't say anything about it other than that we need to talk and how she'll do it in anyway that lets me say what's on my mind better.
So we agreed. Wednesday at lunch.
Is it good or bad?
Thur. 17, Nov. '08
Basically, Mary said she wanted to talk to me and a counselor last week. She couldn't get it to work because of scheduling problems so we planned for Monday. She randomly defriended me on Facebook and I'm worried I might do or say the wrong thing.
I mean, I was going to ask her what the deal is.
The other deal is how they always do things every weekend and I'm never invited. Makes me sad.
Makes me mad.
Fri. 18, Nov. '08
Well. I was waiting for her to come online but she never did. She didn't update her Facebooks either. I really wanted to speak to her.
I wasn't planning to ask her out.
I know I can't go anywhere in our possible relationship until Monday gets sorted out.
I just don't know what it is.
I'm perfectly fine if the spark doesn't exist. At this point, I'm happy if it doesn't cause any damage to our friendship or make her friends deal with the fallout.
I can deal with just being friends.
She hasn't been online today.
Tues. 21, Nov. '08
I apologized to her in case I've been weird or offensive to her... twice....
I also told her that I cared about her and that she means a lot to me, and that if she ever needs someone to talk to I'm always there for her..
I also gave her a hug.
She smiled and accepted the apology and she was fine with the hug.
She wasn't fine with me rubbing her shoulder when I overheard her venting to a friend, though.
I know I love her but I don't know her thoughts on me. If I just knew I could make my decision and be at peace for once.
It's just that she means a lot to me, I love to see her happy and I wonder if we could do something together
Wed. 22, Nov. '08
When I talked to the counselor yesterday, I was asked questions like "Do you think you've acted differently" "Do you think she's acted differently" "Maybe you should think about your interactions."
I'm thinking about her again.
I just want to be happy with her.
I've been trying to ask her online but she's not answering.
Thur. 23, Nov. '08
Today she said she would pray for me.
And then me, her and some friends snuggled in a blanket and watched movies. We're friends, I know that.
I want to know more. I want to know everything about her personality.
Now I remember the fact she said we aren't close friends.
One of these days I'm going to tell her
"Mary, I have feelings for you that are more than just friends. Much more."
I ran that by Austin and he said the last part was a bit creepy. Oh well.
Fri. 24, Nov. '08
We set up another chat with the counselor
Okay, so first I'll say hi and talk to her and the counselor like she wants and discover why. If that goes well I'll ask her why I'm not invited to things and how it hurts.
If THAT goes well, then I'll ask if she wants to do something with me one weekend and possibly say "Mary, I have feelings for you that are more than just friends"
Mon. 27, Nov. '08
I just said I had feelings for her.
The meeting went as bad as expected.
First, she was saying things like I had other friends I can talk to and be with and that she was "worried for me" And that's all she wanted to say on that. Then I asked why I'm never invited to anything like her other friends and she just said "I've known them longer" despite us being friends for about the same amount of time and how we're "not close friends" Ouch.
And then she said she doesn't have the same feelings for me and that she already knew.
I broke down. I couldn't help it. Nothing hurts like having other people see you cry.
She's still a great person... she still cares for me... just as a friend. I know there'll be others, but damn if it doesn't hurt. Tomorrow I could be with friends at lunch, but she and her friends are right there...
It will either go well or make things worse.
Either be alone at lunch or be with her and her friends. I don't want to be alone
I don't want to be alone.
I'll be civil with her but she may not with me or it might hurt me to be with her. I'll just tell that I will do anything for us to be closer friends.
If things don't go well, I'll back off of her for a bit.. I only want a friendly relationship.
So does she... She just doesn't love me.I'm fine with that. We just need some time apart, I'm fine with being friends. The problem is that it's hard... truly hard to tell your heart that it's wrong.
How can you learn how to do it?
Tues. 28, Nov. '08
She never thought we were close friends... I talked with her other friends. I stayed far, far away from her.
I sent her an email.
" I'm sorry if I've done you any harm or did anything awkward or if I was a jerk today. But... you've been a great friend to me. I know we can get back to the friendship we had or even watch it grow. I'm still your friend and I'm still here for you. let's not give up the friendship we had."
I'm going to stay away from her outside that message. I just needed to say that to her.
Wed. 29, Nov. '08
I thought she at least wanted my friendship.
No, she wants me gone for good. Fine. I'll make her happy. I'll be alone if it means she's happy.
But all the people that share interests in me lead back to her... hang out with her... it all goes back to her.
Damn that bitches social butterfly status.
I thought she was a nice, sweet girl. She helped me when I was down and said she cared and would pray for me.
All a lie, I see.
I'm respecting her wishes. I won't ever speak to her again. But I don't know how to move forward. I can't go back to my friends who still care because it all leads back to her. There's no way to just cut her out of my life.
There's a lot of ways she could have handled it better. Saying face to face that she was worried for me and cared for me and then saying sorry she doesn't share my feelings? Fine. Okay. When the next day the same guy asks very politely that he wants to keep the friendship they've shared, she says "Sorry, but let me be blunt. You're making me uncomfortable and I don't want you as a friend anymore. Please respect my decision."
NOT PULLING IT OFF WELL
Fri. 01, Dec. '08
Oh god I'm talking to Mary in an hour.
I'll say something creepy or dumb or hurt our relationship or be too accusatory or she'll just plain reject me if it goes well I'll tell her how I feel.
It went worse than expected.
Sat. 02, Dec. '08
I really do want her to live a long happy life as a history teacher or an actress as she wants. But it hurts so much to hear someone you love say that she wants you gone. That your friendship means nothing now. I saw her with her friends yesterday.
They're awful. They're all awful people. Every last one of them.
Sun. 03, Dec. '08
All my effort, all my care, all I said to them about what good people they are and how I'm always there... wasted on awful people who don't deserve it.
I can't believe what she just said to me in that email.
And she followed up with "I'm sorry but I don't know how to make it any clearer but you are making me uncomfortable and our friendship isn't working out. There's nothing you can do. Please respect my decision."
Two faced snake. She never deserved my trust.
There's no way I can talk to my other friends because Mary is always there. Right fucking there.
Tues. 05, Dec. '08
WHORE THAT WHORE WITH DAVID SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM
Sat. 09, Dec. '08
Mary, why did you have to make me do that to you?
All I wanted was to love you.
Now you're gone.